Chapter 15

May 1858 – Colorado Springs

Hanna giggled, as Sully tickled her on the floor of the homestead. It was mid-afternoon, and Abagail had left earlier that morning to go into town. He didn't want to stop her from being alone, but these frequent trips into town happened increasingly each week. Just last week, she'd gone three times, coming home happier than she'd been when she'd left, though that happiness never lasted long. Sully didn't know what to do. He'd tried everything, and he had even suggested her seeing someone for her chronic sadness after she'd assured him that it wasn't him that was causing this depression. She often admitted that she wasn't sure what it was, but Sully knew that whatever was happening, everything seemed to be much better after her trips in town—for a little while anyway—and he knew she was still having those meetings with Jake Slicker.

Sully was home most of the time, and he only worked when he had to. They were making ends meet, and Loren and Maude were helping with the girls. But, the only problem was that Abby seemed to be distancing herself from all of them. They had been intimate, but things were different. He'd hear her crying at night, and he was afraid he had hurt her. But, she always assured him that everything was fine. Nothing was fine. Everything was far from fine.

He picked Hanna and Lily both up and carried them out onto the porch. He sat down on the edge and held them both in his arms. They were equally content to watch the leaves blow in the breeze, and this constant attention to the rhythmic motion of the leaves in the wind soon made their eyes droop. They fell asleep without much coaxing from their papa, and Sully didn't dare to move until he was absolutely sure they were completely asleep. He was being pulled two ways lately. In one direction, he was trying to keep his attention on his wife and make her feel like she could talk to him, and he was trying to show her how much he loved her. He didn't know why she couldn't confide in him anymore but could still talk to Jake. There was no denying it. He could smell the aftershave and hair tonic stench in her clothes when she would come home. What was it about their friendship that allowed her to open up to him more than she could her own husband?

In the other direction, Sully had his girls. He had been trying desperately to lessen the impact of their mother's absence, but they'd noticed. It was as if they had known all along that something was wrong. Why couldn't he do anything? He felt as if his arms and legs were chained together and a gun was pointed at his head. What could he do but sit by and watch the world go on around him and pray the finger would slip and pull the trigger, putting him out of his misery? Of course he didn't want to die. He still had so much to live for, but little did Abagail know that she was putting him through hell with her silence.

The sound of an approaching horse caused Sully to perk up. He carried the girls inside, and he returned a few moments later to see Abagail riding up on her horse. She rode right into the corral and dismounted, leading the mare into the barn. Sully waited out by the corral, hearing her tossing her saddle onto the fence and taking off the bridle.

He couldn't help it anymore. He wasn't jealous of Jake. No. He was frustrated. He was frustrated, because he and Abby had made vows. They were still young, but that didn't discount the fact that they were husband and wife and parents together.

"Have a nice chat with Jake?" It came out more bitter than he had intended to sound, as she walked out of the barn, wiping her hands on the sides of her skirt. She froze in place for a moment, letting his words sting her.

"I didn't see Jake today," she said quietly. "I was helping ma mend some clothes for the girls." Sully noticed the bag she had draped over her shoulder. He nodded.

"Did ya have a good time?" he wondered. She nodded, moving past him and walking up toward the house.

"Sure," she replied. "The girls sleepin'?"

"They always are when ya get home." Abagail sensed his tone, and she turned on the porch steps.

"What's that s'posed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," he replied, moving toward her. "Ya ain't been here, Abby."

"Just like you weren't here," she challenged. Sully sighed heavily.

"I couldn't help that, Abby. I was workin', and I was helpin' the Cheyenne." Abagail nodded. "I shoulda been here more. I told ya that a hundred times. I don't know what ya want, Abby. I can't go back and change the past." Abagail slowly sunk down onto the porch steps, and he moved to sit beside her. "I gotta know if there's somethin' goin' on besides talkin'." Abagail's shoulders grew rigid.

"How could ya ask me somethin' like that? Don't ya trust me?" Sully clenched his fist at his side.

"'Course I trust ya, but I gotta wonder what's goin' on. Ya won't talk to me. Ya spend all your time talkin' with Jake, and I'm here takin' care of our girls. What am I supposed to think?"

"I talk to Jake, 'cause he don't expect nothin' of me. He listens, and he don't talk back much. 'Sides, I…I ain't goin' there only for talks." Sully eyed her. "I promised him I wouldn't say nothin', but since you're so worried 'bout it, I'll tell ya. But, ya gotta swear ya won't say nothin'." Sully shook his head in confusion.

"What?"

"I'm teachin' him how to read." Sully tried to wrap his mind around what she'd just said. He had been expecting worse, honestly.

"Well…that don't explain why ya won't talk to me." Abagail sighed and started to stand up, but Sully took her hand. "I miss ya, Abby. I miss talkin' to ya. I wish ya could tell me what's wrong." She shook her head and took in a shaky breath.

"That's just it," she said, tears in her eyes. "I don't know what's wrong. One minute, I'm happy as can be. The next, I'm cryin' 'cause I got so much to do and not enough time to do it." Sully placed his hand on her shoulder, gently squeezing it. She wiped away her own tears. "I don't say things to you, 'cause you're already worried enough. I know I ain't makin' it easy. I wanna be happy again, Sully. I try to be." He felt her begin to tremble, and he drew her into his arms. She didn't pull away, and it felt so good to hold her again. "I'll try harder, Sully. I'll work at it. I can be a good wife again." Guilt balled up in the pit of Sully's stomach.

"Ya already are. You're a good wife and a good mother. Everything's gonna be fine, ok?" She nodded in his arms, and he gently kissed the top of her head. He felt a little better now, though he knew they had a long road ahead of them.

December 1870 – San Francisco

He had never felt so entirely alone in all of his life. Not even after Abby and the kids died had he felt like this. He was standing in the middle of a street, one he didn't recognize at all. The only thing he could feel was the breeze and hear the storm coming from the West. He looked up, noticing how fast the clouds were rolling in. It would pass them over in no time without so much as a few light raindrops. San Francisco wasn't the same without her. The magical feeling about it was gone, because she wasn't sharing the experience with him.

A part of him had let go of the past somewhere along the line. Perhaps it was his need to start over and to find a way to bring Michaela back into his life. Would she even take him back? Whatever it was, the weight on his shoulders felt a little lighter, though he carried his family in his heart.

Lightning flashed, as the storm clouds continued to roll in, yet there was a small break in the stormy sky, and one could almost see the heavens. Sully looked up, seeing their star. His heart swelled with memories of years past, which brought back the feel of her lips, the scent of her perfume and the feel of her hair. She was beautiful in every way, and those feelings made his heart pump faster and his palms sweat. His eyes flooded with tears, and he remembered. She'd always been there. She had made him a stronger man. He knew where he needed to be. He had to start over now. It was time. He put on his coat and started off, letting the star be his guide.

December 1870 – Denver

Daniel patted the dust off his coat and settled into his room at the hotel. The cattle drive was over, and Carrie and her father were taking a train to St. Louis in the morning to hire more help for a drive in March. They had asked him to come along, since he had already agreed to help out the next year. It had taken a few moments of persuasion, but he had finally agreed. So, they were staying at the nicest hotel in Denver after having a nice chunk of money paid out to them for taking such good care of those cattle.

Daniel had washed up and changed clothes by the time a knock came to his door. He straightened his shirt and opened it up. He was surprised to see Carrie, washed up, in a light blue dress with her hair pulled back with a silky white ribbon. He hadn't seen her without the dust and grime of the cattle trail before, and he had to admit, she cleaned up well!

"Carrie? What're you doin' here?"

"I knocked on Pa's door, but he must be tuckered out. I could hear him snorin' all the way out here." Daniel chuckled.

"Is somethin' wrong?"

"No. I'm just hungry, and since Pa's sleepin', do you wanna join me for dinner?" Daniel paused for a minute, searching her eyes. He hadn't expected the woman he'd assumed to be a tomboy to be all dressed up like this. She was dressed simply but beautifully. Her dark hair and those eyes shimmered, and he couldn't say no.

"Sure," he nodded. She furrowed her brows.

"Why you lookin' at me like that?" Daniel pulled on his coat, as Carrie slipped her own on.

"Nothin'. I was just tryin' to figure out if that was really you. I didn't recognize ya without them dirty clothes and a whiskey bottle in your hand." Carrie slugged him in the shoulder. "Ah, there she is." She laughed instead.

"Well, I don't drink nothin' unless I'm on the trail, and I try to hold out as long as I can. But, them cowboys certainly can get to a girl after a while." She swallowed hard and looked away. "Ya ready?"

"I'm ready," he responded, placing a hat on top of his head. He held his arm out, and she slowly linked hers with his, and they headed out for a night on the town.

December 1870 – San Francisco

She held her head high, as she walked into her hotel room, despite the fact that her heart felt like it had been shredded into a million little pieces. She had never in her entire life felt so humiliated. She'd traveled thousands of miles for this opportunity, but as soon as they'd seen her…her…a woman doctor, their eyes had widened in the horror of their mistake.

"We wanted a male. There must have been some mistake." Some mistake. She wondered if that was the same thing her parents said when she was born. She felt absolutely defeated. How could this have happened? Something was finally going right in her life, and then that brick wall was put up around her. She just couldn't claw her way up to the top, no matter how strong those nails were. It was frustrating, and she now no longer had a place to practice, having sold her clinic in Boston, and she had no patients. They were gone. She was at the end of her rope. She could practically hear her mother saying I told you so already.

Flooded with devastation, Michaela opened the balcony doors to her room and stepped out, letting the salty air caress her skin and fill her lungs. The breeze was chilly, rolling in from the ocean, but Michaela didn't mind, especially when the thunder started rumbling. But, those clouds didn't seem to be willing to release their precious raindrops yet.

Her room was almost stifling, suffocating her. She took another deep breath, inhaling the scent of salt and seagulls. She coughed, as the air froze her lungs and lips, and she put her hands to her mouth. She had thought she was realizing one of the greatest opportunities she'd ever been presented with. How could one little letter mean so much? A. They had thought to be expecting a man. Michael A. Quinn. When they'd realized their mistake, they had immediately decided to choose someone else and pay her fare back to Boston.

The pain of that rejection was mind-boggling. She hated feeling like this. She'd once sworn to herself never to feel like this. She felt powerless. She was a stranger in this city with no job, no privileges, and no…no love.

She needed to breathe. She needed air. She needed him, and the realization broke her heart even more. She looked up at the cloudy night sky. She couldn't even see the moon. But there, up far above the sleeping city was the North Star, shining down at her from a break in the clouds. A sense of calm washed over her, and she felt safe and like everything was going to turn out right.

"Sully," she whispered, as the breeze began to settle down.

"Remember. The North Star will guide ya home." Her heart filled with renewed hope. Michaela Quinn wouldn't give up…couldn't. This was merely a bump in the road, but she needed to start over fresh. She knew exactly what she needed to do...where she needed to go.

She pulled on her coat and buttoned it up snugly. She left her hotel room without shutting the balcony doors. She felt as if she was in a trance, being guided home by their star. Where was home? Boston? San Francisco? Where? She felt completely lost and out of place. She felt that she was on her own with absolutely no place to go. She was trapped.

Outside, the ground beneath her seemed to open up, swallowing her and carrying her at the same time. Her stomach jumped, and her head began to swim. Tears were there, but she could no longer feel them when she looked up and gazed at the star that welcomed her and smiled down. She was going in the right direction, but she wasn't sure where that was.

She was getting closer, and her heart was pounding. Getting closer to what? She felt blind, as she worked her way through the empty San Francisco streets, her heart telling her where to go...the star leading her. Where was she? Where was she going? When her feet sunk into the sand, she knew. The clouds temporarily covered up their star, and she looked toward the waves, watching them crash inward, as the distant sea churned and groaned as it had for millions of years. She realized where she was, and the memories of that night came back to her.

His own feet hit the sand, and he looked out, watching the ocean. He began to walk, and he could see a figure in the distance. As he moved closer, he could see her skirt floating in the breeze, as her hair whipped at her face, causing her to shiver and turn away from the wind. He watched her for a moment, wondering if his heart was playing games with his eyes. Was she an angel fallen from the heavens and wandering the coast…searching for him?

He watched her wrap her arms around herself, shielding herself from the cold. That was his job. Those were supposed to be his arms around her. He had never seen her look so lonely. When he looked up to see the starlight break through the clouds again, he knew exactly where he was. He was home.

He wanted to reach out and pull her in. He didn't want to frighten her, but he couldn't keep his feet still. He moved toward her, watching her shiver and search for some much-needed warmth. He needed that warmth too. This was it. There was no turning back. He hoped that when he looked into her eyes, he wouldn't see pain or anger. He wanted to see her soul; every beautiful part of her that he loved so much.

Did he dare to speak? Would she run or fade away? Would she make him chase her down the beach again like he had the night they first met? Would she be happy to see him? Would she ask him why he dared to show his face in front of her again? There was only one way to find out. So, he glanced back up at that star, and he stepped toward her another inch.

"It worked." Michaela's eyes went wide. She didn't startle, but inside, her heart recognized his cracking voice. She wanted to see him; turn to him, but she was afraid that he might disappear like Orpheus' Eurydice or that she was just imagining things. She was afraid it would be just like her dream. If he was there, would he stay? Would he tell her things she didn't want to hear? "It brought us here...the North Star." He moved toward her, unflinching and afraid that she was a figment of his imagination.

He was so close now. Why couldn't she turn around? She had spent months missing him and anticipating this moment. Why was she so afraid now? Why was she being a coward? Why was she feeling so afraid of loving him and risking everything for love? She loved him more than anything or anyone. She knew he felt the same. She couldn't be afraid of that…not anymore.

"Michaela?" She let out a foggy, choked gasp and turned around, breaking the fear that had frozen her in place, but it was replaced by a new one.

It was him. Those same crystal blue eyes, that same beautiful mouth…that same beautiful soul.

It was her. Those true, honest, soulful eyes, that gorgeous mouth…that lily-white skin.

"You're really here," she whispered, letting a teardrop escape and pave a trail for future tears to travel. "I know it isn't a dream this time. I can feel it." Sully shook his head, daring to move toward her a little more.

"This ain't a dream. Least I hope not." Michaela's eyes blinked back the tears. "I didn't know you'd be here."

"And you… I was starting to think I'd never see you again, Sully." Her eyes searched his.

"I needed to come back to the place that changed my life…this place. It's where I met you." He swallowed hard, staring into her eyes across the distance. "It's where I first started fallin' in love with you." Her heart swelled, and she wanted to burst into a million tears of joy, but first, she needed to bridge the distance.

"Sully…I…" There were so many things she needed to say to him, but she wasn't sure where to start or how. But, she stepped toward him, and they were close enough to reach out to each other. His hand gently grasped hers, lacing his fingers through hers and holding their hands between their hearts. The look in his eyes made her grow weak in the knees. She had dreamed of this, yet it still felt so new. It was so new.

"Why are ya here?" He scolded himself internally. Did it matter why she was there? All that mattered was that she was there.

"It's a long story," she said softly. She shook her head. "You're actually here. I…I can't believe it. You have no…no idea how long I've waited for this." Her cheeks flushed, and her arm wrapped around him, hugging herself to him. His free arm wrapped around her, holding her trembling body against his own. Her eyes shut tightly, feeling the warmth of his body against her own. She couldn't believe he was there, and she was in his arms. When she felt his chin rest on top of her head, she inhaled slowly, taking in the scent of him. It all came back. He was still the same Sully she had fallen in love with. But, he felt free now. When she looked up, he looked down, and she saw that he was free.

"I was gonna come back to Boston after I found my way," he said softly. "I looked up at that sky, and the North Star was all I saw. It helped bring me here to you. Seein' ya…it's…I know my way now." He gently ran his fingers through her wind-tangled hair. He saw the worry in her eyes, and all he wanted to do was kiss her and feel her there with him.

"Sully, when you left…there was so much…" She took a deep breath. "This is difficult."

"I know. Ya don't have to say anything, Michaela." His heart hoped she would.

"Yes I do," she insisted. "I want to. I held off saying it last time, and I lost you for three months. I'm not going through that again." Sully smiled, watching her cheeks flush with girlish innocence.

"Take your time."

"Time…we've lost so much time," she breathed, as he wiped away her tear with his thumb. "I've thought about this in a hundred different ways. I've even dreamed about it; about meeting you right here…this very spot." She breathed deeply, and he waited; waited to hear the words he'd been longing to hear for a very, very long time.

"Dreamed about it?" She smiled sadly.

"Those dreams didn't always end the way I wanted them to." Her hands gently framed his face, and she smiled. "I'm sorry. I just can't believe it…you're here."

"I'm here," he said with a barely stoic nod.

"You are," she grinned. She bit her trembling lip. "I don't know why it's so difficult. I know what I want to say." He smiled a little, trying to make her comfortable.

"We been best friends for so long," he replied, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "We know each other better than we know ourselves sometimes. Maybe that's the scary part." Michaela nodded. He was exactly right. Her heart felt the same way.

"It felt scary at first," she said gently, "but over the past few months, this is all I've wanted, Sully. I…I never told you, because I was afraid. I knew you needed to go, and I thought for sure…I…I didn't think we'd ever find each other again."

"But we did." His smile made her heart melt a little, and she stood on her tiptoes, wrapping her arms around his neck. They hugged again, and he inhaled the scent of her perfume and the soaps she used in her hair. It was taking all of his strength not to kiss her all over and whisk her away into the night.

When she finally pulled back, it was time. She took his hands in hers, and he leaned in closely, resting his forehead against hers. She smiled, closing her eyes for a moment.

"Michaela…I…"

"No," she whispered, placing her fingers against his lips. They were greeted by a tender kiss, and shivers flew up and down her spine. "I need to say it first. I didn't say it last time…I need to say it now." Sully nodded. When the wind picked up, Sully pulled her closer, and she tilted her head back. Her hair began to fly into her face again, and Sully smoothed it back with his hands, gently cupping the sides of her face. She smiled a little, her face flushing. "Sully…I love you too." Finally hearing it, Sully breathed a sigh of relief.

"I love you," he murmured, kissing the corner of her mouth, kissing her cheek, her forehead and her nose. She grinned, feeling his stubble tickling her flesh. It wasn't enough. Maybe it never would be. She needed more of him. She leaned into him, feeling him chuckle against her. She smiled, letting him draw it out a little longer; torturing her. She breathed a soft sigh, and finally…

"Sully," she whispered, bracing herself against him, as the cold air grew colder. "I love you so much." His heart jumped and burst at that moment, as he pulled her in, claiming her lips with his own, kissing her passionately for the first time in too long. She gasped into his mouth, pulling him closer, needing to feel this just as badly as he did. He was taking her breath, and she took his, as her hands clenched into his hair, feeling his mouth opening against hers. She opened up too, letting their hearts connect. Too long…it had been too long…

His hands were still cupping her face, drawing her closer, and she moaned softly, having needed this for far too long. The tide began to roll in, and their feet became soaked. Sully scooped her up into his arms, carrying her up a little to stay dry. She smiled, when he placed her feet down in dry sand, and they deepened the kiss, exploring one another with sweet kisses and soft caresses.

Before too long, as if they were in quick sand, they were being pulled down, down, down onto the sandy earth. She gasped, when she began to fall back, but his arms cradled her, and he took the first hit, letting her land gently on top of him. Michaela realized where she was, but she needed it to last a little while longer. Just a little longer…

He couldn't believe he was holding her, kissing her; feeling her in his arms. He'd waited ten years for this, he realized. He'd fallen in love with her that first night, and he'd kept on falling ever since. He knew now that she was what he needed. He only hoped she needed him too.

His hands moved to rest on her hips, gently encasing her slender waist. Her skin ignited under the fabric of her dress and coat, and she realized how fast things were moving. Her lips lingered on his for a moment longer, before she reluctantly pulled back, her eyes full of pure joy and relief. Without a word, she rolled off of him, and rested in the crook of his arm, brushing her hair out of her face. Sully smiled, pulling her against him, holding her there and listening to the waves crash in their endless dance.

"You warm enough?" he asked, pulling her close again. She nodded, stifling a yawn.

"I'm fine," she whispered. He gently squeezed her shoulder, and she sighed softly.

"If this is too uncomfortable for ya…"

"No. It's not. It's just…it's new."

"It is new," Sully agreed.

"It's still so hard to believe you're really here," she said quietly. "When did you get here?"

"Just a couple days ago," he pointed out. "I rode in on Bandit from the cattle drive." He made a mental note that his poor horse wouldn't make it all the way back to Boston.

"You rode all the way here?"

"Yeah," he replied.

"Why?"

"Well, like I said before…I needed to come back here…back to where my life changed after Abagail died. This is where it changed. I never counted on findin' you here, though." Michaela smiled sadly, as Sully's arm pulled tightly around her.

"I was offered a job here."

"Oh…" Sully said quietly, realizing that if he was going to be in Michaela's life, he might have to live with staying in San Francisco.

"Before I came here…to this beach…I was told that they were mistaken. They thought my name was Michael." Sully groaned quietly.

"They were expectin' a man." She nodded.

"They've already paid my fare back to Boston."

"Boston…" Sully said quietly.

"Sully, I don't know how I can go back there. I have no patients…no building to practice in. I sold the clinic, and…" Sully could feel her tensing up again, and he took her hand in his, lacing their fingers together once more.

"I think ya should do what ya feel like doin'." She shook her head.

"I don't feel like doing anything but lying right here…being with you. I've missed you so much." Sully brought her hand to his and kissed it softly. "You are coming back to Boston, aren't you Sully?"

"Are ya kiddin'? I ain't lettin' ya outta my sights now. Not after we just found each other again." Michaela smiled, filled with reassurance. "What about Landon?" She didn't sense anything other than curiosity there now, and she smiled.

"He's happily married."

"Married?"

"Uh huh," she said with a giggle. "Needless to say, I was a little more than relieved when he told me the news." She sighed softly and was also relieved when the wind started to change direction. Sully was quiet now. "Before coming here, I spent most of my time with my patients and with my family. They're so busy with their own families and nagging me to start my own." She chuckled nervously, and she started to tremble when he didn't respond right away. "I'm not staying here, but going back would feel just as humiliating." She raised her head and looked into his eyes, feeling that familiar blush creep into her cheeks. Sully smiled, seeing her reaction to him even in the darkness of the night.

"I wish there was somethin' I could do. Nobody deserves to be treated like that…'specially you." Michaela swallowed hard.

"Sully…there's something I do need to tell you," Michaela said softly, lying back into his arms, trying to get comfortable.

"What's that?" he asked, gently holding her hand and rubbing his thumb over the back of it. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"Two days before I left Boston…I received another advertisement. Colorado Springs is in desperate need of a doctor." Surprisingly, she didn't feel him tense up at her words. Her head lay against his chest, listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart.

"Ya wanna take it?" Michaela nodded her head.

"I never counted on seeing you here. I…I sent a telegram telling them that I had taken a position in San Francisco, but if something came up, I'd give it some thought. Sully…if you're uncomfortable with this, I'll go back home. I'll start from scratch and…"

"Michaela…there's somethin' I need to tell you too." He cleared his throat. "Before headin' back to Boston, I was gonna stop by Colorado Springs and visit my friend Cloud Dancin'. I figured it was time to see that place again…really make it real; maybe visit their graves."

"You…"

"I want you to go with me." Her eyes lit up, and she felt him pull her closer. "I wanna share that part of my life with you. I can't keep runnin' away." She shook her head.

"You can't. Sully…are you absolutely certain about this?" He nodded.

"I gotta go. I need to prove to 'em that I ain't forgot about 'em. I need to tell Abby and the kids that they're still in my heart."

"They know," Michaela whispered, placing her hand over his steadily beating heart.

"'Sides," he continued, "this is your chance to really get involved. Don't know how they'll react to a lady doctor at first, but you could do a lot of good for 'em." Michaela was silent for a moment, before a grin spread across her lips.

"Sully, I think this is wonderful! I'd love to share this with you…only as much as you want to share."

"I wanna share it all. I've had ten years…ten years to figure out how I feel about you, Michaela, and I knew from the first night we met…I loved you. I didn't know how to deal with it after just losin' Abagail. But…I did. I loved you, and after all this time, it made me realize somethin'."

"What's that?"

"I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." Michaela slowly realized what was happening. "Michaela? I gotta ask you a question." She sat up slowly, her eyes brimming with tears at the tone of his voice.

"Are you really sure you want to ask it?"