A/N- Getting closer to the end now! There's only one more chapter after this. Sad, really, isn't it? I know I think it is. So I'm giving many of the thanks to LunaEvanna Longbottom, Im Kind Of Important, Ansolo, bitchinh0es and Firework's Feelings for reviewing!
Chapter Twelve- She Couldn't Survive Her 15 Minutes
"So, er, who are you?" Zack asked the stunning brunette in front of him, trying not to openly stare at her boobs.
She smiled. "My name is Lolabelle Waters."
"Hi Lolabelle," said Miri, rolling her eyes at Zack. "What do you do?"
"Oh, I'm a porn actress," she replied, smiling again.
"Oh, you're an actual porn star?" Zack sounded like he could barely believe his luck.
"Yeah, I started out when I was nineteen," she said. "I couldn't pay any of my utilities bills, and they were gonna evict me so I needed an easy way to make cash."
"Huh," said Miri. She looked at Zack. "Now where have we heard that one before?"
They called Lolabelle offering her a role in their movie four days later. Despite the freezing cold outside, she turned up at the scripting (half an hour late) in a cropped top, micro miniskirt and, as a concession to the cold, knee-high boots and a cardigan.
"Hey Miri!" she said enthusiastically, bounding through the doors, not actually apologising for her lateness. "Hi Zack!"
"Hey, Lola," Zack said, grinning at her.
"Lolabelle," she corrected, taking a seat next to Delaney. "Not Lola."
"Oh, right," he said. "Fuck, my bad."
"So, as I was saying before Lolabelle got here," Miri said loudly, looking at Lolabelle in a vaguely irritated fashion. "Here are the scripts, so everybody take one."
"'Star Whores'?" said Lester, reading the title off his.
"Yeah!" said Zack eagerly. "Funny, right?"
"What does it mean?" asked Lolabelle, frowning at Zack and Miri.
"Star Whores?" Miri prompted. "Like Star Wars but sexy? No? Seriously?"
"What's Star Wars?" Lolabelle looked so confused.
"You know what? Never mind," Miri said quickly. "See, we figured this opens us up to an even bigger sales market beyond the people we went to school with. People who like comics and sci-fi."
"So horny nerds?" piped up Lolabelle.
"Yeah, horny nerds," replied Zack. "Stuff like Spider-Man and shit, you know? There's always a shitload of Star Wars nerds at those comic-book shows. So we sell them a Princess Leia they can really fucking jerk off to."
"That'd be me," said Miri. "Princess Lay-Her."
Lester raised his hand. "Who am I playing?"
"You, my friend," said Zack. "Are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller."
"Aw, man, he's gonna be balling dudes?" Delaney groaned. "I thought you said this shit was boys on girls."
"If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl," said Lester.
"What's wrong with you, boy?" Delaney asked him.
"Uh, we'll change the name to Sky-Baller," suggested Zack. "I will be Hung So-Low. Delaney, my friend, you are On-Your-Knees Bend-Over."
"Man, I can't be in no porno!" protested Delaney. "My wife will kill me!"
"Hump me, On-Your-Knees Bend-Over," Miri said seductively. "You're my only hump."
"On the other hand," he said. "Fuck my wife."
"Unfortunately, On-Your-Knees Bend-Over does not have any sex in the movie," said Zack. "But!" He handed Bubbles and Barry their scripts. "The droids do, I-C-U-P and R2-T-Bag." He moved over to Stacey. "And Stacey over here is gonna play Darth Vibrator."
"I'm the bad guy?" she frowned.
"She's not a guy, Zack," pointed out Lester.
"I know that," Zack replied. "Because I'm not a fucking idiot!"
"Who am I? Who am I?!" asked Lolabelle, practically bouncing in her seat.
"You, Lolabelle, are going to be playing," Zack answered, giving her a script. "Darth Sexy-Puss, the girl working with Darth Vibrator, completing their quest to fuck the galaxy."
"Oh my God! That's so clever!" she laughed, clapping. "Wait…I don't get it."
-Zack and Miri Make a Porno, 2008
*cue dramatic, if slightly cliché, organ music*
THE EXORCISM OF JONAH HILL
Me being the horror nerd I was, I knew the entire exorcism chant from The Exorcist. Jay…well, he mostly knew the whole 'power of Christ compels you' shit. But, hey, y'know, it was a start. We meant business with this shit, so Jay put his hoodie on and drew the hood up over his head, and I stepped back into my high heels. Well have you ever seen anyone perform an exorcism bare-footed? Didn't think so.
Jay grabbed the Bible that he'd been reading non-stop since the apocalypse hit, and I bound together a spatula and some salad tongs with bandages to form a crude cross. The five of us headed upstairs to the bedroom, and James gently slid the door open.
"Urgh, the fucking stench," he groaned. We all stepped into the room, leaving the door behind us open in case a getaway was required. God, James was right; it fucking reeked in here, like death and soiled boiled eggs.
Demon Jonah was still tied to the bed, writing around and roaring. Jay and I approached it/him, whilst the other stood to the side, holding candles.
"Jonah Hill?" Jay addressed. The demon continued to writhe and roar. "Jonah?" The demon laughed. "Jonah Hill?"
"Jonah Hill is no more," the demon sneered. Shit. It had anchored itself in there good.
"Demon?" Jay now tried.
"Yes?" the demon replied.
"Fuck!" whispered Seth. "That's not good. That's not good."
"Jay, you fool," the demon hissed, and I clutched my cross tighter, holding it closer to the demon as Jay launched into the exorcism.
"I say unto thee, the power of Christ compels you!"
"Oh does it?" jeered the demon. "Does it compel me?"
"The power of Christ compels you!" Jay repeated.
"Does it, Jay?"
"The power of Christ compels you!"
"Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?" Jesus Christ. I didn't care if it was Jonah's body; right now, I was thirty seconds away from decapitating this fucker.
"The power of Christ compels you!" Jay said yet again.
"Guess what?" the demon said, sounding bored. "It's not that compelling."
"Oh for fuck sake, move!" I snapped, pushing Jay behind me.
"Be silent!" I shouted at Demon Jonah, and he just smirked at me. I stepped up on to the trunk at the end of James' bed, held the makeshift cross out in front of me and declared, "See the cross of the Lord! Be gone, you hostile power! Oh Lord, hear my prayer, and let my cry come unto thee! The Lord be with you!"
"Let your cry come?" the demon inside Jonah jeered. "You mean just like Jay made you cry when you came?"
I faltered for a moment. How could- how could it know that? I almost whacked my forehead in realisation. Of course. The demon was picking into me, clawing through my memories. I couldn't let it hurt me…I couldn't…that gave it power…
"Jay, Mack, are you serious right now?!" Seth suddenly interjected. "This is your fucking plan? You're gonna repeat lines from The Exorcist?!"
"I would assume they did their fucking research!" Jay retorted.
"It's a movie!" Seth shot back.
"It's a pretty fucking accurate movie!" I snapped. "It's like a fucking demon-exorcising manual!"
"Well, it isn't fucking working!" Seth exclaimed.
"It will! It is! Just ignore the fucking thing!" I took a deep breath. "I CAST YOU OUT, UNCLEAN SPIRIT!" I screamed, thrusting the cross at the demon. "IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD-"
"Jeez, it hurts a little bit!" Demon Jonah said uncomfortably. "It's like, this little sting!" Yes! Yes, I was doing it! I could hear the demon burning!
"-JESUS CHRIST! IT IS HE WHO COMMANDS YOU! HE WHO FLUNG YOU FROM THE HEIGHTS OF HEAVEN TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL! BE GONE FROM THIS CREATURE OF GOD!" I cried.
"Seriously, fuck off!" the demon barked at me.
"BE GONE!" I cleared my throat; exorcising really took it out of your voice. "In the name of the Father," I continued, not as loudly. "and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit! By this sign of the Holy Cross, of our Lord Jesus Christ! Jonah Hill! I speak for you, and I free you from this demon of Lucifer!"
Jay stepped up to stand next to me. "The power of Christ compels you!" he proclaimed again. "The power of Christ compels you!" I stepped down now; I'd done my part.
The demon let out another uncomfortable squawk, and the bed suddenly began to rise up and shake, just like Regan's in the movie.
"Jay?" James called nervously, but Jay just started exorcising more vehemently.
"The power of Christ compels you!" The bed began to shake even more violently, creaking under the force of it.
"Holy shit!" shouted Seth.
"Jay, stop it!" I exclaimed fearfully. "We're not helping, we've just royally pissed it off!"
"Just stop it!" yelled Seth.
"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" Jay continued. The flames of the candles were flickering, the bed was thrashing around, the demon was screaming, we were screaming, Jay was screaming that the power of Christ was compelling the demon. It was pandemonium.
"Get the fuck down!" Seth abruptly shouted, seizing hold of Jay mid-exorcism and forcefully yanked him down from the bed.
"What the fuck!?" exclaimed Jay, pushing Seth, who then pushed him back. "Don't fucking push me, asshole!"
"Fuck you!" Seth spat at him.
"Boys, stop it!" I cried, forcing my way between them and placing a hand on both their chests. "Easy, easy!"
"Fuck you!" Jay retorted at Seth.
"You're the fucking asshole, you liar!" Seth said heatedly.
"Still?!" Jay said exasperatedly.
"Yes, still!" replied Seth angrily.
"Guys, I don't know if you've noticed, but we have a very possessed Jonah here!" I exclaimed, trying to drag them back to the reason we'd all gathered in this stinky room in the first place. "Do we have to argue about this right now?!"
"Let 'em fight," the demon suddenly piped up, sounding awfully relaxed for something that had nearly been killed.
"We have got an exorcism to finish!" Craig put in. "Hello?"
"Do you wanna know why I didn't stay with you?" Jay said in a low voice.
"Because you were too busy fucking my brother's girlfriend?" muttered James, and I turned and scowled at him. He just stared back at me, a hard expression on his face.
Jay ignored him, looking dead at Seth. "You fucking changed. You're a fucking…sell-out."
"Jay, stop it!" I warned him, still not taking my hands off either of their chests.
"You did fucking sell out," the demon chipped in, sounding like it was thoroughly enjoying this. "Everyone says."
"At least I did change!" Seth retorted. "You act like you're fucking eighteen years old still, Jay!"
"Grow up, Jay!" the demon mockingly said. "That's why he's yelling at you!"
"Seth, back the fuck up!" I shouted.
"Oh sure, you would stick up from Jay, wouldn't you?" James said scathingly. "Honestly, Mackenzie, did you ever actually love my brother?"
"You know what, Franco?" I suddenly screeched, finally letting go of Seth and Jay as I stepped forward to face James. "I am so fucking fed up of you treating me like shit! I made a fucking mistake, okay? Do you know how it felt to live with myself afterwards, seeing Dave every day and knowing what I'd done to him?! No, you fucking don't! I am in love with him! Okay? I love him more than anything and everything in this world! I fucked up! And being honest, it is none of your fucking business!"
"You've been holding me back this whole time!" Seth suddenly shouted at Jay in the background, and he reached out and pushed him again. This time, because I wasn't there to stop them, Jay retaliated, and a fight broke out between the two of them.
"You fucking made it my business when you cheated on my little brother, you little slut!" James was meanwhile shouting at me.
"You motherfucker!" I screamed, and I threw myself at James, grabbing hold of his shirt and slamming his back into the wall. James pushed me back to get me off him, and I shoved him back, slamming my hands into his chest.
So Seth and Jay were busy throwing punches, James and I were wrestling with each other as I attempted to knock Franco's teeth out, and somewhere in the middle we ended up in one massive whirlwind of fists, the four of us falling back into the walk-in wardrobe. Jay and Seth both fell into a stack of cupboards and collapsed, knocking the door clean off one, just as James extracted my viper-like grip on his throat and knocked me down to the ground next to Seth and Jay.
"Everyone, fucking break apart!" James yelled as Seth and Jay continued to have it out, and I was about to try to kick James in the ankle when Craig suddenly let out a disbelieving exclamation.
"Yo! What the fuck is all this, Franco?!" He was looking at the broken cupboard, and Jay and Seth even stopped fighting. We all followed his stare. There, nestled in the cupboard, were cans of beans, foil-wrapped crackers, some chocolate bars…what in the fuck?!
"It looks like food!" James cried in a falsely surprised tone. "How'd that get there?!"
"How the fuck long have you been hoarding this shit, Franco?!" I demanded furiously, gesturing at the cupboard with my hand.
"What?!" said Seth, sounding scandalized. "You have more food?!"
"You knew he had extra food?!" Craig exploded.
"Er…he gave me one cracker!" Seth rapidly backtracked.
"But you still fucking knew!" I shouted, incensed.
"I would have sucked a dick for half a cracker!" Craig exclaimed hysterically.
"Alright, well maybe I didn't want you to suck my dick, alright?!" James shouted back. Suddenly, a roaring sound came from the room Demon Jonah was in, but it wasn't demon roaring. It was the same kind of sound that came when something went up in flames. The sound was followed by a burst of yellowish-orange light, and that was when I realised: it fucking was fire! SHIT!
Craig and James were still arguing about crackers and sucking dicks, completely oblivious to what had broken out behind them.
"Er, guys?" I began, probably much more tentatively than was needed for the situation.
"Guys!" Seth tried to get their attention, pointing. "Guys, guys! Fire!"
Thank God, Craig shut up and turned around. "SHIT!"
James did the same, before shouting at the three of us still on the floor, "Jonah's on fire!" Seth, Jay and I scrambled to our feet as Craig and James ran into the bedroom, James frantically blowing on the flames to little avail. The rest of the guys- somewhat moronically- followed suit, but it didn't make any difference; the fire spread across the width of the bed, the entire duvet engulfed in flames.
"Put it out!" the demon cried as we all screamed at the fire. "Use your mouth! Put it out!"
"Smother the fire!" I yelled, so Craig picked up a fake-fur blanket from the floor and threw it over the demon. However, the blanket must have actually been polyester or some other flammable material, because in seconds that was completely on fire too, and as a result, Jonah went up in flames with it.
"Real fucking smart idea, Mackenzie!" shouted James.
"Don't buy cheap fucking flammable knockoffs then!" I shouted back, just as the demon pulled out of his restraints and rolled out of bed, knocking into the wall. The room was now steadily catching fire with every step Demon Jonah took towards us, so needless to say we all very rapidly vacated the room, stumbling over each other in our haste.
We were running as fast as we possible could, but the demon was hot on our heels (no pun intended), setting fire to everything in its path. Why, oh why did I decided that now was a good time to wear my heeled boots? Because just as we passed the gap in the railings that the demon had thrown Seth through earlier, I tripped, and went catapulting through the gap, landing with an extremely painful thunk. I attempted to get back up, but a sudden hot, shooting pain travelled up my leg as soon as I put weight on my ankle, and I immediately fell back down again.
Fan-fucking-tastic, I'd sprained my ankle.
I could see the carnage continuing above me as I tried to get my ankle to support me, each attempt bringing tears of pain to my eyes. The entire top level of James' house was on fire, and as the guys came sprinting down the stairs, the demon jumped straight down from the upper level, landing literally three feet away from me. The rug we were both on caught fire now, and Jay quickly grabbed hold of my arm and yanked me to my feet.
"FUCK!" I screamed as all my weight went to my injured ankle. "Jay! Stop! I've sprained my ankle, I can't walk! I'll only weigh you down! Just leave me here! It's okay!"
"No, it fucking isn't!" he insisted almost angrily, taking hold of me and lifting me into his arms the way someone would carry a baby. Burning debris was falling all around us, setting fire to the sofa, the other rugs, just…everything, and we rejoined the group in heading for the front doors.
The fall had slowed the demon down, as it was army-crawling towards us as James, Craig and Seth tried to tear down the remaining boards blocking up the door. It was snarling and growling, clearly in pain, but that didn't stop it trying to reach us. But finally, the guys got the doors open, and we stumbled out of them, Jay almost dropping me in the process. But we looked back into the house just in time to see the demon get fatally crushed by a flaming ceiling beam, blood spurting out around it.
"Jonah," I whispered, my voice breaking as tears slid down my soot-coated face.
There was screaming, just so much screaming as the remaining five of us made it outside, watching James' house completely collapse.
"No! My fortress!" he wretchedly cried.
"Guys, I just want to point out," Jay gulped, setting me down to my feet but keeping one of his arms around my waist to support my weight. "Um…we're out in the open now!"
"Oh fuck!" I shouted as we all looked around at the burning wasteland surrounding us.
"Shit, shit, shit!" hissed Craig.
"Hey, hey, hey!" James suddenly exclaimed, scrabbling around in his pants pocket. He triumphantly held up a set of car keys! "My Prius!" He pressed a button, and the familiar click-click of a car unlocking echoed out. I almost collapsed with relief- we had a way out of here.
Or not.
Because as we all turned to look where the car was parked, a huge, scaly winged demon landed on top of the shelter the car was under. It let out a huge squealing roar, looking right at us.
"What is that?!" exclaimed James.
"Demon!" I squawked. "Demon! Demon! Demon!"
"No fucking way!" breathed out Seth.
"Well, that's it," I sighed, defeat dripping from every syllable. "We're screwed. Goodbye, you assholes. It's been nice knowing you all."
The demon let out another roar. Then Craig spoke. "I got this." All of our heads whipped round in disbelief.
"What?" said Jay.
"I'll distract the thing," Craig replied. "I'll run over there, screaming and shit, and that should give you enough time to get to the garage."
"Well yeah, but that thing can kill you!" Seth said quietly.
"Maybe I deserve it," said Craig. "I've been shitty my whole life, being selfish, only doing shit for me. Maybe it's only right that the last thing I do, on this planet, isn't for me." He looked at us all. "It's for you guys."
"Craig, you don't have to do that-" Jay began, but Seth cut across him with, "Thank you very much, Craig. I appreciate that."
"Seth!" I shouted angrily at the same time Jay muttered, "You spineless…"
"I love you guys," Craig told us, looking close to tears. "You're my best friends."
"You're a real mensch, Craig," James said in a low voice.
"See you on the other side," Craig said, and his tone had an air of finality to it. He really was going to do this. Tears were falling thickly and freely down my face now, and Jay placed his other arm around me and gave me a comforting squeeze. It didn't really help all that much.
Suddenly, Craig began to run off, screaming obscenities at the demon as he did so. He was waving his arms and his towel around frantically, trying to get the demon's attention. As much as I really didn't want it to, Craig's plan worked, as the demon very quickly turned its attention to the easy prey.
In the time the demon had its eyes locked on Craig and away from us, James, Seth, Jay and I managed to sprint our way over to the car, Jay having to give me a piggyback due to my ankle. He dropped me down gently and we both climbed into the backseat, James driving and Seth taking shotgun.
"What's he gonna do?!" whispered Seth as we watched fearfully out the window. Craig was yelling something we couldn't hear, and he sudden began to run towards the demon, spinning his towel around his head like it was a pair of fucking nunchucks or something.
"No, no, no, no!" I whimpered as the demon lunched. "Craig!" But suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, as the demon went to bite Craig's head off, a blindingly bright beam of blue light spurted down around Craig, sealing him in a cylinder of light. The demon jerked back as if scalded, flying off into the night.
"It worked!" gasped Jay.
"What's happening?!" asked James.
"The Rapture," I whispered, hardly believing my eyes.
"Craig!" shouted Seth. "Craig!" The man in question was slowly being lifted up above the ground, high enough for James to drive the car right under him. Jay and I looked out the back window to see Craig go shooting up into the sky, disappearing in another burst of light.
"Holy shit!" spluttered Seth. "Do you guys realise what this means?!"
"That Craig was an angel this whole time?" replied James, and I kicked the back of his chair with my non-injured foot. Moron.
"No, it means we can still be save!" said Jay.
"I don't fucking get it. Why does Craig get saved?" demanded James. "I mean-"
"Craig sacrificed himself for us!" interrupted Jay. "Which means there's still hope! That means we can be redeemed!"
"It means that if we're actually nice to each other, we can get sucked up into Heaven, too!" concluded Seth. "That's the deal!"
"Alright, I got it," said James. "Let's just head out to my place in Malibu, just survive long enough until we do enough good things and they accumulate, or do enough sacrifices, and we'll all to Heaven together."
"That's a great idea, James!" said Seth, his voice overly chipper. "Seriously! Really, really good idea! Really, you're such a smart guy!"
"Thanks Seth!" James replied with a false laugh. "You're such a nice guy! You've got a great smile."
"Thanks man!"
"And an awesome laugh!"
"I've heard it's annoying!"
"How about that Jay back there, man?" Okay, now I knew that they were just doing this in an attempt to get Raptured.
"Come on," Jay said bashfully, and I looked at him disbelievingly. Surely he wasn't falling for this horse shit?
"You got a cool body," James told him. "You can walk around with your shirt off anytime."
"And then there's Mackenzie," said Seth, looking at me in the inside mirror. "You know, you're beautiful, you're hilarious. You're a great actress." I folded my arms, not even replying.
"All the guys want her," James put in, smiling at me in the same mirror in the most sarcastic way possible. Nice. Even now, I was still getting sniped at.
"It's not working," Seth suddenly said. "This isn't working."
"What, you thought we would be Raptured already?!" asked Jay incredulously.
"I thought it would happen already," Seth answered.
"You bunch of twats," I said scornfully. "We've been talking nice! How the fuck does that get you into Heaven?"
"Doesn't hurt to smile," said James, and that was when a huge RV smashed into the passenger side of the Prius. The speed the RV was driving at sent the car screeching back into a load of abandoned cars, totalling the Prius. When the car settled, James had smacked his head on the window, Seth had headbutted the dashboard and Jay and I had cracked our heads together with such a force I thought I was concussed for a moment.
"What the fuck?" mumbled Jay as we all struggled to sit back up.
"Urgh, you guys okay?" groaned Seth.
"Yeah, we fi-" I began, when suddenly an entire troop of people stormed the car, smashing on the windows, yelling at us, ripping open the doors and dragging us out of the vehicle.
"Oh my God! Get the fuck off me, you ugly bitch!" I snarled at the blonde chick who had me in a headlock, so she grabbed hold of the hair on my scalp and hauled me into a standing position, forcing all my weight down onto my injured ankle. I howled in agony, so the blonde punched me in the jaw.
The four of us were forced over into the middle of a patch of abandoned cars, the psychopaths around us continuously punching us, kicking us, scratching us. Blood was dribbling into my eyes from where the blonde had torn out a handful of my hair from the roots, and from a cut where some other random had cracked me in the forehead with a rock.
"Yo, cut his fucking head off!" one of the psychopaths yelled, and I heard the chilling sound of a chainsaw revving up. We began to scream more then, struggling even harder, when another voice penetrated the night.
"Stop!"
I was nearly sick when I realised I recognized the voice.
The RV door opened, and a chunky figure stepped out. He was wearing a torn up, filthy tuxedo, Nikes, a necklace of keys and sunglasses, and he had a crown made of half a skull on his head. In his hand he held a dog leash. Danny McBride.
"Danny?!" said Jay, looking and sounding disgusted.
"What the fuck?!" Danny exclaimed delightedly. "You guys are still alive?"
"Er, yeah!" I shouted.
"Holy shit, I didn't expect that!" He tugged on the dog leash and grunted, "Get the fuck out here!" Now I really was sick, spitting a mouthful of it on Jay's leg by mistake, because on the end of the lead was a half-naked man wearing a Mexican wrestler man.
"Shit, I can't believe you guys are here," Danny continued as the man started to hump his leg. "That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect."
"What the fuck are you on about, McBride?" I said angrily, glaring at him. "If you think we're joining your fucked up cult then you so have another thing coming."
"No, no, little Mackenzie," he chuckled. "You clearly misunderstand me. See, it's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you four look…delicious."
"What does that have to do with us?" demanded Jay.
"The fuck are you talking about?" spat James.
Danny laughed again, and the sound turned my stomach. "I'm a cannibal, hombre! We're gonna fucking eat your ass!"
"Fuck you, you can't eat us!" Seth exclaimed furiously. "Fuck that, man!"
"I do whatever the fuck I want, when I want!" Danny informed him. He pointed at Wrestler Mask. "I butt-fucked this dude!" He jerked the leash again, and…oh God…I don't really want to go into detail about what the man did, but rest assured, it was not pretty. "See that? I fucking slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want! This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself!"
My eyes widened in revulsion. Surely he couldn't mean…no…that wasn't…it couldn't be.
The man removed his mask. It was. Danny's bitch was Channing Tatum.
"Hey, what's up, guys? Y'all cool?" he said nonchalantly, like it was perfectly natural for us to all be meeting up in this situation.
"That's Channing Tatum!" said James.
"That's Channing Tatum, dude!" added Seth. "What the fuck!?"
"Congratulations, Franco. Rogen," I said mordantly. "Way to point out the goddamn obvious!"
"Channing fucking Tatum!" Danny said with sadistic glee. "I found wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch! Get off my dick," he added, brushing Channing off. "I call him Channing Tate-yum!"
"Hardcore, man," said James, grimacing.
"I got him trained good," said Danny. "Watch, he does tricks!"
As Danny demonstrated his new pet to us, James whispered, "Alright. I'm gonna create a diversion."
"Yeah?" Seth whispered back.
"You, Jay and Mackenzie make a run for it," he hissed.
"Wait, what?!" I whisper-cried.
"Danny's gonna eat you!" Seth reminded him.
"Listen," James whispered. "Full-on sacrifice for you, dawg. Like the ending to Pineapple 2."
"James, you can't!" I said tearfully. "Please! I'm sorry for everything I've done, I am! I love you, man, you're my brother! You can't just die! I need you!"
"Hey," he said gently, squeezing my hand. "It's gonna be okay. I'm sorry too. I was just so fucking angry, Kenzie. You're right, it wasn't any of my business. I shouldn't have got involved. I love you too, little sis."
"James, please-" I started, but Danny's voice cut through me.
"That's Channing fucking Tatum, dawg!"
We looked back as Channing removed his mask again. "I love him," he said, sounding completely mentally broken.
"Fucking GI Joe, dudes," Danny said smugly. "Fucking loves me."
"Danny!" yelled Seth. "We're friends! You can't eat us!"
"I'd love to catch up," Danny said sarcastically, "But we're fucking starving, so…LET'S EAT!"
The cannibals swarmed on us, revving chainsaws and brandishing hammers. James suddenly yelled, "Fuck you!" and seized hold of a brick on the floor, smacking the nearest psycho in the face with it. "Run!" he shouted at us, taking on the rest of them.
So that was what we did. Jay, Seth and I ran as fast as we could as James stayed behind taking on every single cannibal in Danny's cult. My ankle was giving me hell, but I pushed myself as hard as I could, breathing through the pain that was making tears leak from my eyes like a faucet was on.
"Man, we should go back!" Seth was saying as we slowed to a stop. "We should go back and help him!" But suddenly, the blue beam of the Rapture engulfed James, the light illuminating everything around it.
"Holy shit!" cried Jay.
"It worked!" gasped Seth.
James was lifted up about a metre from the ground. We could hear him shouting something, but at this distance it was incoherent. Then we saw him raise both his hands, which were set to flipping Danny off. Then he made an ejaculating gesture.
The light suddenly vanished as abruptly as it had appeared, dropping James straight back into the middle of the cannibals. No!
"Oh, shit!" hissed Seth.
Danny started to advance on James, crouching down next to him as the cannibals around him began to get restless. He suddenly lunged, and even from here I could see that he had sunk his teeth into James' face.
"James!" I screamed, my heart shattering apart. "James!" The rest of the cannibals mobbed him, and James began screaming in sheer agony.
A full-out sacrifice…like the ending of Pineapple 2…
I think Mandy should have like a total change of heart… she sees Saul going to sacrifice himself and like steps in at the last minute to try to save him…
James was right. This was the ending of Pineapple Express 2. I didn't even have time to reconsider this.
"James!" I screamed again, and I started sprinting towards the cannibals, seizing a ragged strip of metal that was lying on the ground by my feet before I did so. My sprint was more of a rapid hobble, sending pain shooting up my leg so often I thought I was going to explode.
I could hear Jay and Seth yelling behind me to get me to go back to them, but I ignored them completely, clutching my crude weapon even tighter. I could hear the sickening squelchy noises as the cannibals bit into James again and again, and I was finally there, battering away the cannibals as much as I could, feeling a sick sort of pleasure as I felt the ragged end of the metal tear through their skin.
"Have it, you motherfuckers!" I screeched, feeling blood splattering against my face with every blow I delivered. A pair of hands suddenly seized me, and I felt myself being lifted up, then thrown violently to the ground. I landed right next to what was left of James.
I couldn't even recognize him. He was missing his nose, an eye. Bits of his cheeks had been torn clean away, and part of one of his eyelids was gone too. This isn't even mentioning the state of the rest of him. I didn't look for long enough, because my stomach was churning so violently I was about to puke again, but I think one of his legs was gone, as was most of his abdominal area.
I looked at his…um, I guess I could call it his face, and he looked at me with the eye he had left.
"Kenzie," he wheezed, and his eye glazed over. He was gone. James Franco was dead. I'd been too late.
"NO!" I howled, just as Danny came into my eyeshot, grinning down at me.
"So you decided to join the party after all, Kenzie!" he exclaimed with childish amusement. He looked around, taking in the sight of his followers. Most were up, very much alive and moving despite the deep cuts to their chests and faces, but I'd managed to straight up kill two of them, slicing one's throat and full-out decapitating the other.
Danny frowned at me, tutting. "Look at that, Kenzie, you've killed two of my best men."
"You motherfucker!" I hissed at him. "You killed James, Danny! You fucking ate him! How could you?"
"Very easily," he replied mockingly. "Just like it will be easy to eat Jay and Seth when my people catch up to them. Maybe I'll make you watch."
"Please," I scoffed. "Like you'll keep me around long enough for that. You're just gonna eat me now, aren't you?"
Danny laughed darkly. "No, Kenzie, I'm not. See, Channing over there is getting a bit boring now, a but same-old, same-old. I need to get myself a new little plaything." He crouched down, kneeling over me, his face barely five inches from mine.
I gagged. "You keep the fuck away from me, McBride, or I swear to God-"
Danny laughed again. "Yeah, because God's been sooo helpful to you. Come on, Kenz." He pressed himself down on me, his weight keeping me pinned down. "You know I've always had a thing for you, and I know you secretly always have for me." I spat upwards, hitting him straight in the eye.
His face contorted in anger. "You shouldn't have done that, babydoll!" His hands dropped to my shorts, and I could feel his stubby fingers grappling with the zip.
"No, no!" I cried, thrashing about underneath him. "Stop it! Get the fuck off me! Stop!"
"Don't be selfish, Kenz," he chided me. "You gave it up for Jay, now it's my turn!"
I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt Danny tear my zip open. "I'm sorry James," I whispered. "I'm sorry Jay, I'm sorry Seth! I'm sorry I couldn't save you!" Danny's hands were at the waistband of my shorts, beginning to pull them down, and my eyes snapped open when that great beam of blue light shot down from the sky, knocking him twenty feet away from me.
Oh my God! Yes! YES! I'd done it! I was being Raptured! I didn't know if it was for my attempted saving of James, or my heartfelt apology, or what! But I'd done it! I was going to Heaven! As I felt myself being lifted up from the ground, I looked at Danny, who was gaping at me and screaming in fury.
The urge to scream abuse at him and flip him off was so, so high, but I had a feeling that was exactly why James had been left behind, so I kept my mouth firmly shut. I hovered about five feet above the ground for a few moments, and suddenly I shooting upwards, towards a big, white hole in the clouds. A burst of white light overwhelmed me for a moment, and then…then there was darkness.
A/N- Yay! She got Raptured! Finally, something good has actually happened to poor old Mack! This chapter turned out way longer than intended. So, what did you think? I'm especially curious about what you though about my take on the exorcism, with Mack's added knowledge, and also what you thought about how she was actually Raptured. If you were ever gonna leave a detailed review, I'd love it to be now! Much love, and I'll be cranking out the final- yes, final- chapter as soon as I can! Xx Gee xX