Chapter 39

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

As another train rattled into town, Michaela finished sending a few telegrams to Boston. She had been too eager to wait a few days to tell her mother about the clinic. So, she'd sent a telegram to anyone in her family that she'd thought would have cared.

"Thank you, Horace," she beamed, as she gathered her money pouch and went on her way. She was about to leave the depot when she heard a loud cry from behind.

"Help! I need a doctor!" Michaela turned quickly and rushed toward the voice. A gentleman with sandy blonde hair came off of the platform with a woman lying limply in his arms. "Help!" Michaela immediately went to his side. "Ma'am, I need…"

"I am a doctor," she insisted, showing him her medical bag.

"You?"

"Bring her to my clinic." Without a question, he hurried after her, explaining himself along the way.

"She just collapsed when the train pulled in. I…she just got outta the hospital."

"What was wrong with her?" Michaela asked immediately, as she threw open the door to the clinic.

"I…she…" He swallowed hard.

"Sir, I'm going to need to know exactly what happened if I'm going to be able to treat her." He took a deep breath and nodded his head.

"She had a miscarriage, and the…the doctors tried to keep her locked up. They thought she was gonna hurt herself. But I know her. She'd never do it." Michaela's brows creased, as the man laid the young woman out on a table.

"Alright," Michaela said with a nod. "I need you to wait outside."

"I can't leave her, Doctor." Just as Michaela was about to say something else, another voice flooded the room.

"Daniel?" It was Sully. He was standing in the doorway with a look of absolute shock on his face.

"Sully!" Daniel exclaimed, bewildered by the fact that his best friend was in a town he'd promised himself he'd never go back to. At the sound of that name, Carrie's eyes fluttered open for a minute. She smiled, when her eyes met Sully's.

"Hey Cowboy," she whispered. Her eyes slowly closed, and Sully stepped toward the table.

"Carrie…" Michaela's eyes shot up to stare into his.

"Carrie? This is…this is her?" Sully nodded, swallowing hard. Michaela tried to ease her own worries, but she didn't have time to think about anything but helping this woman. "Sully. Please escort…" Names escaped her at that moment.

"Daniel," Daniel said quickly.

"Please escort…Daniel outside." Sully grabbed hold of Daniel's shirt and tugged him toward the door.

"I can't leave her," Daniel insisted. "She's…"

"She's in good hands. Michaela's gonna take good care of her."

Michaela gently smoothed back the girl's hair. Carrie was on the brink of asleep and awake. She'd given her a thorough examination, and she was afraid that the news was grim.

"Carrie?" Michaela asked softly, gently wiping the hair out of the girl's eyes. Carrie slowly opened her eyes, and Michaela was amazed. Her eyes were like her own. They were green and brown. It was startling against the girl's complexion.

"Who are you?" Carrie demanded, trying to get up.

"I'm…I'm Dr. Michaela Quinn," she said softly.

"Where's Sully? Where's Daniel? I saw Sully," Carrie spouted. Caught off guard, Michaela responded.

"They're just outside."

"I…I need to go!" Carrie insisted.

"Carrie, you need to relax."

"How do you…"

"I'm a friend of Sully's. I'm his…I'm his fiancée." Carrie froze, and she eyed Michaela up and down.

"You're the Michaela?" Michaela couldn't help but feel a little relief that the woman knew who she was.

"I'm…" Michaela was speechless.

"I don't need your help, Doc. No offense. I can take care of myself." She started to get up again, but Michaela firmly pressed on her shoulders.

"You need surgery, Carrie," Michaela insisted. Carrie's eyes flew open, and she stared into the doctor's eyes.

"Surgery? What the hell are you talkin' about? I was just in the hospital."

"I'm afraid…I'm afraid I found a cause for your miscarriage." Carrie gathered the blankets up, and she shook her head.

"How do you know about that?"

"Your friend…Daniel."

"He had no right!" she screamed. She looked toward the door, hoping to God he was out there listening. "NO RIGHT!" She wanted to hurt him at that moment. She wanted him to hurt for betraying her trust. How could he? How could he?

"Please, Carrie!" Michaela insisted. "Calm down, please!"

"Don't tell me what to do. I wanna see…I wanna see Sully. He's the only one. He's the only one that understands!" Tears were in her eyes, and Michaela felt a lump forming in her throat. "The only one…he…" She started to swoon again, and her head began to spin. "Doctor…"

"Carrie, I need you to listen to me." Carrie shook her head, but she looked right into Michaela's eyes. "I need…I examined you, Carrie. I found the cause of your miscarriage. You…you have a growth inside of…of your uterus. Your womb."

"What're you sayin'?" Carrie demanded.

"I need to try to remove the growth."

"No. You ain't…you ain't touchin' me."

"I need your permission, Carrie! You're getting weaker, and the tumor…"

"No. No. Don't. Please," she cried, thrashing her fists into the table.

"You're risking your own health without this operation. If you were to become pregnant again…"

"No! Not another one. No more. No!" She began to cry, as the past and the memories flooded back. Michaela took a step back, unsure of what to make of her. In the five minutes she had known her, the girl had gone on a continuously downward spiral.

"Carrie," Michaela soothed, "if I don't operate, you could…"

"Don't say it. Please, don't say it," Carrie begged.

"If the tumor is too large, I'll have to…to remove…your uterus." Carrie shook her head, tears falling violently. "You won't be able to have children." Carrie swallowed hard. She had wanted that baby. She had wanted to be a mother for the first time in years. She had wanted to give that child everything. She'd lost it. She knew why. She knew she wasn't supposed to have children.

"Do it," she breathed. "I can't…just…do what ya have to do."

"She called for you," Daniel said quietly, as they sat on the bench outside of the clinic. Sully shifted uncomfortably.

"She trusts me," Sully answered. "We understood each other in some ways." He didn't know how else to explain it, but he couldn't help but believe that he was going to have a similar discussion with Michaela later on.

"All this time…I thought we somethin' was happenin' between the two of us. She was startin' to open up to me. Then the baby…I just…I saw everything completely change on the outside, but when I looked into her eyes, I felt like she needed me. Maybe I was wrong. I think…I think she still cares for you. I think she's in love with ya, Sully," Daniel said quietly, folding his hands in his lap. "You're all she talked about for days after ya left." He hunched over, not sure of what to look at or what to see for that matter.

"No she ain't. She don't know how to love me," Sully breathed. "I could never love her. We ain't meant for…"

"Ya saw the way she looked at ya."

"She knows she's safe with me." He wasn't even sure he was helping anymore. "But, she knows my heart belongs to Michaela. I care for Carrie, but not the way…not the way she needs somebody to care about her." Sully glanced at Daniel. He could hear it in Daniel's voice. He had what Carrie needed, but she was pushing him away.

"She don't trust me."

"Sure she does. She just don't trust herself."

"How do ya know that?" Sully cleared his throat, and he listened to the silence that now emerged from the clinic.

"She's been hurt."

"I know that," Daniel said softly. "I just don't know how to help her."

"Bein' there helps."

"She pushes me away."

"That's Carrie."

"She never pushed you away."

"'Cause she said I looked at her like I knew her."

"I don't understand." Sully shook his head.

"That's just Carrie. Give her time, Daniel."

"I don't know how much time I got left, Sully. I love her. I…" He didn't know what else to say. He didn't know how else to put it into words. He loved her. That was it. Plain and simple, yet nothing was simple about it at all.

"Have ya told her that?"

"I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of what she'll say." Sully cleared his throat and stood up.

"C'mon."

"What?"

"Let's go get somethin' to eat. We'll talk 'bout it there." Daniel looked up to see several pairs of curious eyes staring at them. "Somethin' to realize in this town…private things ain't always private for long."

July 1863

"Where you been?" Tommy asked, as Carrie walked into the tent, her hair and clothes disheveled. "What happened to you, girl?" He moved over to her, kneeling in front of her and taking her face in his hands. "What on earth?"

"Papa," she whimpered. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm…I'm sorry." She broke down into tears and clutched her arms around his neck. "I'm sorry, Papa. I didn't know. I didn't think. He was so sad. I wanted to cheer him up. We were talkin', and he kissed me. I just… I just…he said I was beautiful, Papa. I believed him."

"Who?" he insisted.

"I can't…I can't say. I don't…"

"Did he threaten you?

"No, Papa! He just…he didn't know how to stop," she said, shame filling her face. "I couldn't tell him to stop. I couldn't. I'm sorry, Papa. I'm so…" She swallowed hard. "It'll never happen again. I just…I didn't think." Realizing what had happened to his daughter, Tommy James sucked in a sharp breath and held her close, trying his hardest not to yell; not to scream. She was young…too young. She had her entire life ahead of her, and he'd let her out of his site for an hour…and now…but no. He couldn't be angry with her. Not when she was like this.

"Carrie…I don't blame ya," he whispered. "But ya gotta tell me who did this."

"I can't," she cried. "He didn't mean it. He just…he got angry when I left."

"Did he…did he force you?" She hung her head in shame.

"No, Papa," she whispered. "It was my fault. It was my fault." Tommy stood, his blood boiling in rage. All those cowboys out there were a good ten years older than his little girl. How could they do such a thing? She was just a child. Barely a woman. He had promised to protect her. He'd promised her mother to never let her get hurt. He'd failed. He had failed her mother. He had failed her.

"I'll kill whoever did this." He grabbed his rifle and headed toward the camp. Carrie screamed and grabbed his arm, clawing at him.

"No, Papa! No! Don't! Don't do it! I just wanna forget! Please, Papa. Please let me forget!"

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

Michaela walked out into the porch of the clinic, and she looked around for Sully and Daniel. When she saw them coming up the street, her eyes met Daniel's, and he rushed over toward her.

"Is she ok?"

"She's resting just inside," Michaela promised.

"What happened?"

"I'll explain it to you later, but you should go in and sit with her. She'll need a familiar face when she wakes."

"Maybe…maybe Sully should go in. She trusts him," Daniel said quietly. Sully put his hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Go sit with her," he said quietly. "Let her know you're there." Finally, Daniel nodded and moved inside to sit with Carrie. Michaela sighed softly, and without words, Sully enveloped her into his arms.

"You ok?" She sighed softly, not knowing how she was going to tell this young woman that she'd never be able to have children.

"I will be," she said softly, gently inhaling the scent of him. She relaxed against his chest, and she felt him caress the back of her head.

"Let's go inside and talk." She merely nodded, and he took her hand, leading her in through the other door and up the stairs to Michaela's room. When they were inside, Sully slowly shut the door, as Michaela sat on the foot of her bed.

"You didn't know they were coming?"

"I didn't even know they were together," Sully replied. "I figured Daniel'd be on his way to Nevada, and Carrie'd still be on the drive." He shook his head and sat down beside Michaela.

"She called for you," Michaela said softly. "You're who she wanted."

"She trusts me," Sully pointed out, gently taking Michaela's hand in his and running his thumb across her palm. "You trust me."

"I do," she said softly, "with my heart." She took a deep breath. "I suppose I'm just a bit frightened. She's…she's beautiful, Sully." Sully gently caressed her cheek.

"You're beautiful. You're the woman I love, Michaela. You know that. The things we've said…what we've done together…" He leaned in and kissed her lovingly. When he pulled back, her teary eyes met his. "You should know you're the only woman in my life. You're the only one I want." She felt like a fool for being a little jealous of a woman she'd just met. But knowing Sully's past with her and how forward Carrie had been, she couldn't help but be wary, despite her unbreakable trust in her future husband.

"I trust you, Sully. I believe you, but she's…she's so…so…"

"Different?" Sully smiled at her. "Michaela, she ain't like most women, but neither are you. She's never fit in except for on them cattle drives, and they only let her fit in for one reason." He cleared his throat. "She's been through a lot. She trusted me, 'cause I didn't judge her."

"That's why she loves you," Michaela breathed. Sully shook his head and chose his words carefully.

"I don't think she knows what love is." He brought her hand to his lips. "But I do." Michaela sucked in a breath, as he brought her lips to his. "My heart's yours now. You're the only one." She pulled back a little, her eyes wet with tears.

"And mine is yours." A moment later, they were being drawn together in a sweet kiss, and Michaela could feel his love for her pouring forth from him and seeping into her veins. His heart beat with hers; for hers, and hers for him. A sigh escaped her lips, as they renewed their promises with sweet words and whispers.

January 1871 – On a Train to Colorado Springs

"Look!" Mary said proudly, as she held up her first piece of knitting.

"That's lovely, sweetheart!" Rebecca beamed, taking her daughter into her lap.

"See, Grandma!" Little Mary exuded poise and sophistication for a little girl her age, but she also knew when to be a child; when to be happy and over-excited about things. Rebecca had raised her to be exactly who she was: a fun-loving, sweet, beautiful child with dreams as big as the entire world.

"That's beautiful, Mary," Elizabeth said with a smile that shined with motion sickness. Her head was hurting, and her stomach didn't feel much better.

"Don't worry, Mother," Rebecca said gently. "We'll be there tomorrow, and you can rest." Mary continued with her speech.

"I'm making it for Aunt Michaela's baby," she said matter-of-factly. Elizabeth's heart stopped beating for a millisecond, wondering if she was in the middle of her nightmare. Rebecca merely chuckled and looked out the window, watching the prairie land pass by before her eyes. "I bet she has a little girl. That way I can play with her and…"

"Sweetheart, Michaela isn't having a baby," Elizabeth said with more hope in her voice than anything, as her nightmares were realized from the words of her little granddaughter; her only granddaughter.

"She will someday. I know it!" Mary insisted. "I just know it!"

"I wouldn't count on that for a long while, dear. Michaela hasn't even married yet, and it may be a long, long time before she does."

"But she's emgaged," Mary pouted.

"You mean engaged, sweetheart," Rebecca chortled.

"That's what I said," Mary replied with a laugh. "She's getting married, Grandma."

"We'll see," Elizabeth replied, clearing her throat.

"Don't you like him, Grandma?"

"Of course I do, sweetheart. I merely want what's best for her." She took a deep breath. "My this conversation is entirely too adult for your ears."

"I'm fine, Grandma. I'm not a baby," Mary replied. She shrugged and looked up at her mother. "You could have another baby. I want a little sister. Please, Mother?" Rebecca's cheeks flushed, and she squeezed her daughter's hands.

"Mother has her hands full with you alone, Mary Quinn Buchanan," she laughed. "Don't you like being Mother's favorite person in the world?"

"Sure!" Mary giggled. "I just want a sister. I can still be your favorite." Mary scooted out of her mother's lap and sat back down in her seat. Every night, she wished upon a star and prayed for a little sister to keep her company. She loved her mother dearly, but she wished she had a playmate. She wished she had somebody to teach things to. As far as she was concerned, even a little brother would do.

They sat in silence for a while, and as the train chugged closer and closer to Colorado Springs, Elizabeth couldn't help but fear that her nightmares were about to come true. For one, she almost felt powerless to stop it.

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

His fingers laced through hers, as they stepped back out onto the porch. Michaela shivered in the cold, and he drew his arms around her, as they sat on the porch. They spotted Johnny hurrying up the road with Brian right at his side.

"Hi Dr. Mike! Hi Pa!" Johnny exclaimed. "Can I take Brian up to see the wolf pups?" Sully laughed.

"Go on up, but be quiet. Dr. Mike's got a patient downstairs. She's restin'."

"We'll be real quiet," Brian promised. They hurried into the clinic and went upstairs. Sully turned to Michaela.

"We gotta talk."

"What about?" she wondered.

"Our livin' situation," he replied.

"Oh," she said softly. "What about it?"

"Well, since this is your clinic now, Johnny and I are gonna find another place…" Michaela interrupted by putting her hand on his.

"I told you that isn't necessary, Sully."

"Well, we had an offer."

"You did?" Sully nodded, and they sat down upon the bench again.

"Olive's gonna let us stay above the mercantile 'til we get the house built. She's gonna be stayin' out at the ranch, and she needs somebody to keep an eye on the store at night." Michaela nodded her head. He almost saw disappointment in her eyes. "I still gotta talk to Johnny about it. I ain't so sure how he's gonna feel 'bout livin' above the mercantile again." Michaela nodded.

"It'll take some adjusting," she replied quietly. "For everyone." Sully smiled knowingly at his future bride and leaned in to kiss her. But before their lips could meet, the door to the clinic opened up, and Daniel stood there looking as if he'd seen a ghost.

"I think she's wakin' up."

Carrie's eyes fluttered open, and she found herself in an unfamiliar room. The bed she was lying in was uncomfortable, and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep. She felt no pain, and her head was groggy, and that told her that she'd been given something.

The first pair of eyes she saw were almost identical to her own.

"Doctor," she whispered.

"How are you feeling?"

"I don't feel nothin'," she said quietly.

"Good. I've given you morphine for the pain."

"It's over?" she asked. Michaela nodded.

"Yes." Carrie saw the uncertainty in Michaela's eyes. She didn't need to ask, but she decided to anyway.

"I…I can't have children…can I?" Michaela took a deep breath.

"I'm afraid not," she whispered. "The growth…it was too…"

"Ya don't gotta explain," Carrie replied, placing her hand over her belly. "I didn't want no kids anyhow." She held back the tears that threatened to flow, and Michaela wondered how she could let herself be strong at a time like this.

"Do you…do you have any children, Carrie?" Carrie's mind was slipping back into unconsciousness, and she couldn't remember the answer she gave people when they asked. She couldn't remember what the right thing to say was. She couldn't…"Carrie?"

"No. No," she breathed. Michaela nodded and whispered something about going to find Daniel, and Carrie only nodded. As soon as the doctor was out of earshot, she let out a slow, shaky breath. "Not anymore."