Chapter 41

Author's Note: The conversation I mention Michaela and Sully having had has not been written yet, so if you wonder if you've missed something, you haven't. That conversation is coming up in a future chapter…it'll be a scene where Michaela is reminiscing. Enjoy!

Warning: This chapter contains pre-marital sex between two yummy people. Please don't read it if it's going to offend you.

August 1850

Pain shot through her body and straight to her heart, as she realized what she'd done. How could she ever live with herself? How could she ever forget? How could she ever look him in the eye again? How could she ever explain what she had done to herself, let alone to God in her prayers?

She felt her stomach turn, and she bent over, vomiting into the dirt, chocking on her sobs all the while. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe she'd chosen him over her. What kind of a…

A howl in the distance caused her to jump, and she stood up, taking her horse by the reins. She had to keep moving farther away before she lost her courage and went back. Perhaps that would be more courageous than going away. Perhaps…perhaps…

A squall in the night caused her heart to shatter, and she slowly mounted her horse and rode off in the moonlight.

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

"Pa! Pa?" Johnny came rushing up the street to find his father and Michaela standing on the porch of the clinic.

"What is it, Johnny?"

"Well, I was wonderin' if…if I could stay all night with Brian tonight. Matthew and Ingrid and Widow Cooper said…said it's ok." Michaela and Sully exchanged a glance.

"Well, are ya sure they don't mind? A hundred percent?" Sully asked.

"Yeah, Pa! And don't worry 'bout the pups. I can take 'em with me…" Sully held out a hand to stop the boy.

"That's alright. You had a long night last night. You go on to Brian's, and I'll see ya tomorrow afternoon. The pups'll be taken care of."

"I'd be happy to help too," Michaela said with a smile. Johnny's eyes brightened.

"Thanks Dr. Mike! Thanks Pa!" Johnny hurried off to get his things gathered. Sully turned to Michaela and smiled.

"What?" she asked awkwardly, leading him inside of the clinic and away from prying ears.

"Nothin'."

"That look means something, Mr. Sully, and I intend to find out exactly wh…" He cut her off by pulling her into a passionate kiss that she didn't care to pull away from. His hands gently buried themselves in her hair, and she craned her neck, making him work a little harder. She giggled against his lips, as he pulled an arm around her waist. "Sully!"

"I miss ya," he whispered, nuzzling her neck.

"Sully!" she laughed again, almost breathless. "We…I…I…it's not even…dark yet!" She couldn't help but wrap her arms around his neck and let him kiss her again, feeling her knees growing weak for a moment. But, he finally released her, and they backed away from one another, sheepish smiles upon both of their mouths.

"Sorry," he said quietly, as Michaela cleared her throat and moved toward one of her packed crates.

"It's alright," she said gently. "I suppose I'm just a bit preoccupied." Sully watched her curiously and smiled, moving toward her.

"That's alright. Ya got a right to be." He gently kissed her cheek and moved toward the door. "I'm gonna go talk to Miss Olive, and I'll be back later to say goodnight." Michaela smiled and nodded, waving him off. She laughed, as he gave her a grin, and when he was gone, she sighed heavily and rolled her eyes with a silly grin on her face. Being with him was so new but so familiar at the same time. She enjoyed his company, but they both knew the risks they had taken. They had quietly discussed it before, but they knew in their hearts what was right for them. In many ways, they'd fallen too hard and too deep to ever pull themselves up again. They had stars in their eyes, but they were firmly grounded in reality at the same time. They knew their future. They knew what life they had to look forward to and felt or saw nothing wrong with that.

She cleared her throat at the sound of a noise upstairs, and she quickly gathered her things and hurried out to get food for her patient and guest.

Daniel slipped into Carrie's room, and this time, she didn't yell at him or tell him to leave. She gave him a half-smile and motioned for him to come sit next to her bed. He moved slowly.

"Oh hurry up. I ain't gonna bite ya," she swore. Daniel smiled a little and sat down in the chair, uncertain of how to move or talk or act. "We do gotta talk."

"Yeah," he said quietly, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Actually, I gotta talk. Can ya stay quiet for a few minutes?" He gave her a strange look. "Well, try, please?" She smiled at him, and he was glad to see her in better spirits.

"Alright," he said with a nod. "Go on."

"First," she breathed, "I wanna apologize for the way I acted toward ya." She situated herself, feeling a little less pain because of the shot of morphine she'd had a little while ago. "We were friends, Daniel, and when things started changin'…I got scared. I got scared, 'cause I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, and I didn't know how to react to the way I was feelin'." She let out a shaky breath. "And I was wonderin' how anybody like you could even be a little interested in me. All my life…well…well, I've put things behind me that…that are comin' back to me now." She looked away, and Daniel studied her carefully.

"What kinda things?"

"I…a lot of bad memories, Daniel. And, I feel like I'm bein' pulled in two different directions. I wanna be your friend, Daniel. Maybe I want more. I just need to…to figure out things about myself 'fore I can even begin thinkin' about another person. I need to focus on…on me right now. I know it sounds really selfish." Daniel shook his head. "There are still…so many things I need to deal with. I need a friend, Daniel. I don't need…anything more than that right now." She finally dared to look into his eyes.

"I see," he said quietly.

"I don't mean to hurt you. I care for you, Daniel. I…" She wanted to tell him she loved him, but she was scared.

"I care for you too. I should've told you a long time ago," he whispered. She held up her hand.

"No. No, it's good that you didn't."

"No, it ain't. I been tellin' everybody but you," he said with a laugh. Carrie smiled, and she shook her head.

"If ya say it now…if we say it now, it's only gonna make this harder," she said softly. It was then that his heart realized what hers was saying. She loved him. She'd just told him without saying the words. "Give me time, Daniel. Just a little time. That's all I'm asking for. Be my friend. Just…just don't expect too much too fast." A moment later, she spoke again. "I do trust…I do trust you. It's just…" He nodded. "I just need to trust myself not…not to hurt myself…or to hurt you." She reached for his hand, finally reaching out for the first time. He took her hand in his and gently squeezed it.

"Just so ya know," he said softly, "there's nothin' wrong with you. You wondered how I could ever care about you. There's plenty of reasons why, Carrie. I do. I…I do." Carrie felt the tears burning her eyes. There was so much to tell him, but it wasn't time yet.

"Thank you for bein' here. Thanks for not leavin' when I told ya to." He chuckled. "That was the pain talkin'." Daniel nodded and winked at her.

"I'll keep that in mind next time ya tell me to hit the road." Carrie laughed, but she groaned in pain. "I'm sorry. I'm…"

"It's alright. Just stop makin' me laugh," she teased. Daniel nodded and stood up, feeling so much better knowing that she felt the same way as he did, even though she needed a little more time. He loved her. She loved him. It was that easy, but at the same time, Carrie still had a lot to deal with before she could fully let herself trust in that love.

"Alright. Well, I'm gonna let you rest. It's getting late, so I'll go…"

"Wait," she said, stopping him before he could walk away. He settled back into the chair.

"What is it?"

"Stay here. Stay with me tonight." He saw the fear of a child in her eyes, and he knew she didn't want to sleep alone in a new place. He nodded and gently smoothed back her hair.

"I'll talk to the doc about getting a cot in here." Carrie nodded her appreciation.

"Thank you, Daniel. Thank you."

September 1863 - Texas

"I don't know what to say," Tommy said softly, running his hand over his coarse chin, as he stared at his young daughter. "She's too young. Too young."

"I'm sorry," the doctor said with a grim nod. "I wish there was something I could say to help you, Mr. James. If you could send her to…"

"I'm right here!" Carrie shouted! "Why don't ya talk about me like I'm here?"

"Carrie, why don't ya wait outside?"

"No!" she screamed, eyeing her father angrily. "No. I'm stayin'."

"Which of 'em did this, Carrie? Which one!" Tommy asked. "I'll kill him! I'll kill him with my bare hands if I get a hold on him!" Carrie put her hands on her father's shoulders.

"He ain't here no more, Papa! He said he was goin' home." Tommy growled in frustration and took a swig of water from his canteen.

"Hell, Carrie, ten fellas left the trail in the past ten months." Carrie looked away and crossed her arms.

"I can't tell ya. I just want it to be over." Tommy shook his head, and he put his hands on his daughter's face.

"Look at yourself, girl. Look." He spun her around to look in the mirror. "This ain't gonna be over 'til the day you die. It's gonna be right here." He pounded on his own chest with his clenched fist.

"I didn't mean to let ya down," she whispered, as tears streamed down her face.

"I ain't angry with ya, Carrie. You're my little girl. I just wanna know…"

"I can't tell ya. I can't. I'm sorry, Papa. I just…I just wanna forget him."

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

Well after nightfall, Michaela was settling into her room above the clinic. She had gotten dinner for both Carrie and Daniel, examined Carrie, and after administering more morphine, she set up a cot in the room for Daniel to sleep on. After Carrie and Daniel retired for the night, she had checked on the pups and fed them all a decent amount of milk. Now that they were sleeping, she figured that she had waited up long enough for Sully to come by. She figured that he had probably lost track of time or had fallen asleep.

She yawned and turned down her lamp. She slipped into her gown and was about to step out of her shoes when she saw a light coming from the mercantile. She hurried over to the balcony doors and looked out, seeing a light coming from one of the bedroom windows. She furrowed her brows and wrapped her arms around herself, shivering in the cold.

She saw him walk to the window, and she gasped. Perhaps he thought she was asleep. Maybe that's why he'd waited to come over. She quickly hurried over to her bedside table and re-lit the lamp. When she returned to the window, he was gone, and the mercantile was dark. With a sad sigh, she retreated to bed, finally stepping out of her shoes. He had probably given up and gone to bed. But that was fine. She'd see him in the morning.

But, a moment later, she heard something downstairs and sat up quickly. She gasped and jumped out of bed, rushing out of her room, as her bare feet padded against the floor. She made it down the back stairs, and before she stepped off of the final step, she ran into something hard, warm and incredibly familiar. Sully's chest.

"Oh!" she gasped, a little loudly, as Sully's hands reached out to make sure she didn't fall.

"Michaela? Are ya hurt?" he asked quickly.

"No," she laughed. "You startled me!"

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I came to say goodnight. Wasn't sure if you was up, but I saw your light again."

"I thought you'd gone to bed," Michaela replied, as Sully's arms pulled themselves around her waist, and she stood on the step, now at eye level with him. She wrapped her own arms around his neck.

Sully lifted her up from the step and spun around to place her feet on the floor. She glanced up into his eyes, barely seeing him through the moonlit room.

"Goodnight," she whispered, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him, as a visible blush spread over her soft face. Sully grinned, as their lips met, and he felt her relax a little, as she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

She pulled back, and their eyes met, but they couldn't resist one more kiss. She opened up to him this time, letting his tongue gently tease hers, before they began exploring each other's mouths, kissing deeper by the moment. She was about to pull away again, but she ignored the part of her head that screamed at her that they had two people sleeping upstairs…that it wasn't proper to do such things like this when….and she lost her train of thought.

His hands traveled up to frame her face, as their kiss deepened, and Michaela shuddered, gasping for breath, when he scooped her up into his arms. Not struggling for a moment, Michaela melted in his embrace, and her heart pounded, as she kissed him hungrily, toying with the buttons in his shirt. She gasped when she realized how out of control she was becoming, and Sully put her down, wondering if he'd hurt her.

"Michaela?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered, shaking her head and running her fingers through her hair.

"What for?" Michaela blushed and covered her face with her hands. She'd never felt so foolish before.

"I…the way I kissed you…I…"

"What was wrong with it?" Confused, Sully searched his brain for a reason. He'd thought it was good, anyway.

"I've never…well, oh, Sully!" Sully's hands found hers. "If I got a little carried away…"

"Carried away?" Sully asked with a laugh. "Michaela, I think it's a little late to be thinkin' that." Michaela's eyes peered up into his, and she realized what he was talking about. He stepped closer, pulling her in again. "'Sides, I don't want ya to hold back with me. I like it when ya do what feels right." She looked up into his eyes, seeing the truth.

"Truly?"

"Truly," he chuckled, gently brushing his lips across hers. "Michaela, anytime ya want me…anytime ya need me here, ya don't have to ask. Just come find me. Just kiss me, and I'll know." Michaela flushed.

"I don't think…I'm not sure I can do that."

"I know. But anytime…well, you just do what comes natural," he said with a grin. Michaela's cheeks grew rosy again. If she were to follow that advice, she might frighten him off with her constant need for his touch, his kiss. Again, she remembered the conversation they'd had just a few nights ago in the darkness of the night. Shivers ran down her spine, and she felt completely safe with him.

Without words, she stood on her tiptoes and gently kissed his lips, feeling the warmth of his against hers. She pulled back just a little, before he scooped her up into his arms and carried her up the creaky staircase, hoping not to wake the sleeping guests at the other end of the hall.

Her lips brushed against his ear, as her fingers curled in his hair. He shuddered deeply, as her mouth kissed against the pulse of his neck.

"Michaela," he whispered, trying not to drop her as he carried her into her room, closed the door with his foot and promptly locked it.

They stumbled through the darkness, and Sully finally placed her feet down on the floor. She turned from him and quickly lit a match to light the wick of the lamp. When she turned back around, she smiled at Sully, and she moved across the room, as he slipped out of his own clothes and moccasins. She sat down on the edge of her bed and took out her brush, gently running it through her soft mane. Sully watched her, and she could feel the heat of his gaze trespassing the barrier of her flesh and scorching her heart with passion.

She felt his weight on the bed, and he crawled up behind her, gently sitting back, moving his legs out to straddle her body, locking their ankles together. She moaned softly, as he pressed into her, and he took the brush from her hands. She leaned her head back, as he began brushing out her long, soft hair, and she smiled, when his free hand moved around to touch her stomach and slipped down to her thigh.

Just as his fingertips began scorching a trail up her clothed skin, he moved his hand back up to run his fingers through her hair, as he brushed it out. She leaned her back against his chest, as the brush clattered to the floor. Michaela gasped for a moment, and they waited in silence, wondering if they'd woken anyone. But, after several moments, no sounds filled the air, and Sully brushed her hair back to expose her lily-white, silky smooth neck. His mouth pressed hotly against it, and she trembled, finding his hand and bringing it to her lips, gently kissing the tips of his fingers, sending sparks from her lips to his heart.

She let go of his hand, and he moved it down the neck of her gown, gently caressing the soft V of flesh. She smiled a little, leaning back against him. His hand slipped under the neck of the gown, teasing her breast with his hand before moving to the other, and a moment later, she was turning slowly in his lap, feeling him rising against her. She gently placed her hand against his chest, and his eyes dared her to kiss him.

Her pale cheeks flushed again, and their lips met in a feverish kiss. He pulled her around to straddle his waist, and she gasped, as his hands began slipping her gown off of her body. He was pleased to see her bare body beneath the gown, and she instinctively tried to cover herself. But, his arms wrapped around her tiny waist and pulled her against him.

Her eyes stared into his, and their lips met, as his hands gently massaged the tense flesh on her thighs. She leaned her head back, when his lips began to kiss a trail along her collarbone, and her hands, softly moved down his chest, and her fingers caressed his nipples, before she swallowed her nerves and slowly bent down to kiss his chest, uncertain of his reaction. When their eyes met again, a smile curled over his lips, and he gave her a slow nod, urging her on. Taking a deep breath, she kissed him again, as his hands rubbed her back, and he moved her hair away, kissing her shoulders and starting a raging fire inside of her.

Her legs wrapped around him, as they sat on the edge of the bed. Being this way with him was still so foreign in some ways, yet when she kissed him, and he held her like this, it felt like the most natural, right thing in the world.

Again, her lips met the soft skin of his chest, and before either of them knew it, her teeth gently bit at his nipple, causing him to such in a deep breath. She looked back up at him, a heavy crimson settling into her cheeks.

Slowly, he turned in the bed and lay her back against the pillows. She smiled up at him, and she took a deep breath, waiting for his kiss. She situated herself underneath him, already remembering every inch of him and every touch of his skin against hers.

"Sully," she whispered, tracing her finger over the outline of his lower lip.

"Hmm?"

"I love you." He responded with a soft whisper in her ear, before he began kissing his way down her neck and between her breasts. She arched her back, as his lips enclosed over her inflamed nipple, while his hand kneaded the other breast in his palm. Her hands ran against his chest and up his broad shoulders.

Every breath that filled the air was shorter and quicker by the moment, as the centers of their beings pounded for release. As he moved lower, she tried to keep herself composed, but she nearly shot up out of bed, as his hot mouth kissed the sensitive flesh of her belly, and he moved lower. She shut her eyes tightly at the feeling of him loving her like this, and she arched her back, trying not to move too quickly but writhing in absolute pleasure at the same time.

Finally, he moved back up her body, kissing his way and caressing her, as he prepared to join with her.

Their eyes met. She slowly spread herself to him, hooking her legs over his hips, as he began to enter her, feeling her desire for him, as he filled her completely. She gasped into his shoulder but adjusted quickly, as their bodies began to move together, slowly at first, dancing on the edges of forever.

His hands gripped her hips, pulling her up a little and bringing himself further inside. Michaela groaned into his mouth, gasping for breath at the sensation. She clenched the sheets in her hands, closing her eyes tightly.

"Michaela," he whispered, kissing her eyelids softly. "Open your eyes, Michaela." She swallowed hard and did as he asked, looking into his loving gaze, seeing nothing but their future together.

Slowly, his hands scorched her neglected flesh, and she bit her lip to suppress a moan. He could feel her tightening around him already, and the feeling was indescribable. As their eyes stared into each other's, so much love reflected in both sets of their deep, endless orbs.

Her heart cried out for him, and when their lips met once again, she cried out her need into his mouth, as he suppressed his own passion with her cries.

"Sully," she whispered, as their bodies rocked together in that ageless motion. She curled her toes, as his hot breath hit the nape of her neck. Her mind was screening. She couldn't think straight. All she could feel was him loving her, and all she could taste was his sweet, clumsy kisses, as their breaths grew more ragged, and time slowed to a standstill.

His hands smoothed back her hair and framed her face, and when he looked into her eyes, he saw and felt all of the love in the world. In her arms, he felt as if he could do or say anything and still be loved. He could feel her soul feeding his. They were meant to be one. They were destined to walk the same path despite their differences. They were mean to love one another unconditionally and despite all opposing forces.

Soul mates. That's what they were, and as they broke the barriers of their highest peaks, they came falling together, flying in each other's arms, as they cried out desperately for one another. And in the end, they were left breathless, striving for the air to fuel their lungs, as they held one another tight, neither ready to let the other go.

"Michaela," he whispered, as he held her close against his chest. She could hear his heart threatening to shatter the prison of his chest. She looked up into his eyes and their lips met in a tender kiss. She wanted him to stay, but they both knew he had to leave soon. But, they had this moment; this very moment to hold one another and feel safe in each other's arms.

Before they parted for the evening, only a few short words were whispered in the stillness of the night. His hand caressed her cheek, and she smiled at him, as his lips parted, and he whispered, "Nemehotâtse." She smiled, understanding by the look in his eyes, and she gently kissed his cheek, whispering into his ear.

"I love you too."