Chapter 46

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

A couple of weeks had passed, and both of Michaela's patients were doing much better. Charlotte had gone home, but Carrie was still resting at the clinic, though she was able to get around with much more ease and much less morphine. She was getting stronger by the day, and the uncomfortable feeling she had when Michaela was around was slowly beginning to dissipate. They were nowhere near being close friends, but they had an understanding, and Carrie couldn't exactly shy away from communicating with her when the pain grew too intense to bear. Sometimes, however, she was comfortable with the lady doctor, and she couldn't understand why. They had absolutely nothing in common, but strangely enough, they were able to cooperate with one another quite well.

Not only were Michaela's patients thriving, but the wolf pups were as well. They were growing larger and beginning to resemble their future selves. Little Snowball was a ferocious eater already, though when Michaela held her, she was sweet and calm and would fall right to sleep. Michaela enjoyed caring for her and held a secret favor of her above the other pups. But, she also saw Sully favoring Wolf and Johnny favoring Pup, so she didn't feel so bad.

Rebecca and Mary were thriving in Colorado Springs. Rebecca seemed content with the slow-paced society that was so much different than that of Boston. Mary was enjoying making friends around town, and she seemed to be growing more and more attached to Johnny by the day. Elizabeth, however, was busy keeping an eye on her daughter and Sully, making sure they were acting properly. She was determined that her bad dreams would not come true. And, she refused to let her daughter make a mistake that could affect the rest of her life, much like her own decisions as a young woman.

Sully and Michaela had kept their distance at night, because Elizabeth, Rebecca, and Mary were now staying above the boarding house. Michaela had insisted that they stay with her for free rather than pay to stay in a stranger's home. So, everyone was coping in the best way they knew how, though Elizabeth had been much quieter than usual. Michaela knew she still highly disapproved of her relationship with Sully, but she also knew there was nothing her mother could say to change her mind. She was marrying Sully in May, and that was final.

Michaela couldn't help but feel a little guilty that she was relieved of her and Sully's refrain from being intimate. She hadn't been feeling like herself at all. But, her nights were no better sleeping alone than they were sleeping in his arms. In fact, lately, sleeping alone seemed so much worse.

The nightmares hadn't gone away, and they were growing more frightening, and Michaela's recent bout of illness was quickly wearing her down. She had never felt this way before, but she let all possibilities out of her head, and she decided not to think about it. Instead, she drank teas to calm her stomach and made sure that she didn't eat too little or too much. She was doing well so far, though she knew in the bottom of her heart that…no. She stopped thinking before she could let the thought enter her mind. She was just tired, and the severe stress of Cloud Dancing's warning and her mother's visit was weighting heavily on her like a burden. Besides, she had gotten her monthly, and as irregular as it was, she was certain she couldn't be…pregnant. But that caused her heart to worry further. What if something was truly wrong? What if this illness was part of Cloud Dancing's warning? She was a doctor. She would know if something was terribly wrong, wouldn't she? She would know if she needed to find a doctor for herself, wouldn't she?

A knock came to the door of the clinic, and Michaela looked up from the medical textbook she was staring at. She'd been staring at it for twenty minutes, not even bringing herself to read one line. She couldn't focus. Everything on her mind was blinding her from her studies.

Sully stepped in cautiously; hoping she wasn't busy with a patient, and when he saw her staring there, nonchalantly pouring over a medical textbook, he smiled and figured it was safe to come in.

Sully immediately noticed the change in Michaela's appearance. Her face was tired and pale, and he noticed her wearing a little more rouge on her face to try to cover up how pale she was. Unfortunately, he saw it in her eyes, and he knew that something was wrong.

"Sully," she said with a smile. "Come in."

"Ya busy?" She shook her head.

"I was just reading." She stood up and moved over to greet him with a hug, as he shut the door with his foot.

"Just saw your ma and Rebecca at the church with the Reverend. They were tellin' him 'bout how much they liked his sermon this mornin'." Michaela smiled, pulling out of the embrace for a moment.

"I think Rebecca truly loves Colorado Springs," Michaela said thoughtfully. "Mary has truly blossomed, Sully. She and Johnny have become inseparable. I'm only thankful that she's been allowed into the school until she goes back to Boston. She's certainly a bright child, even if I am a little biased." Sully chuckled.

"Nah. You're right about that. But, I think we're gonna have a problem when Johnny loses her to Boston. But, Brian'll probably be glad to get his friend back." Michaela chuckled, as Sully kissed her cheek. "Feelin' better today?" Michaela merely nodded. He wasn't certain of the answer considering the look in her eyes.

"Much better than yesterday." With a worried frown, he gently caressed her cheek.

"If this keeps up, I want ya to wire for a doctor."

"Sully, I think everything's fine. I haven't felt ill all morning. I am feeling better."

"Ya still look awful tired."

"Well, thank you," she said sarcastically, as he pulled her in for another hug.

"Ya know what I mean." She grinned, as his lips found her neck, and it was all she could do to push him back. "Sorry." He smiled sheepishly, and she gently traced her thumb over his lips, feeling his breath hit the pad.

"I know," she replied. "What are you doing today?"

"Well, I just got back from helpin' Mr. Forrester fix his barn. Before I go find Johnny and Mary, I'm gonna see if Carrie and Daniel need anything. Maybe I can try to pry him away from her long enough for him to see the sun. He ain't hardly left her side."

"He truly loves her," Michaela said with a shake of her head. "I barely know them and it's as plain as day."

"They both need each other." Sully let Michaela wriggle free of his arms and go back to her desk.

"Where's Johnny?"

"He's at Grace's havin' pie with Mary. Mary likes it at Grace's, 'cause she can play with baby Olivia." Michaela grinned. "I heard her hintin' to Rebecca for a little sister again." Michaela laughed.

"Oh dear! Poor Rebecca!" Ever since Mary had arrived in Colorado Springs, her want of a sibling had soared, and Rebecca couldn't go one day without hearing her daughter's plight.

"She's certainly persistent. She knows what she wants."

"Who's that remind ya of?" Sully asked with a wink. He reached out and took her hands, feeling how cold they were. "Michaela…you're freezin'."

"I'm a little chilly," she admitted. Sully nodded and moved over to the stove to add a few logs. Michaela watched him, and the smile upon her face slowly began to fade, as her nightmares of him walking away came flashing before her eyes.

She began to tremble, and when Sully turned around, he saw her eyes glassing over, and he rushed to her side.

"Michaela? What is it? Michaela?" She swallowed hard and folded her hands in her lap before looking at him.

"Sully," she whispered, the exhaustion in her voice shining through, "I'm still having…those…those dreams." Sully sighed heavily and shook his head.

"That's it. I'm takin' ya to Cloud Dancin'. Maybe he can tell us somethin' new." Michaela shook her head.

"I'm fine, Sully. I am. I just need a little time to rest. That's all."

"Yeah, but ya never do rest when ya say ya will," Sully pointed out. Michaela sighed.

"I will, Sully. I promise." Sully stared at her for a moment, before his eyes glazed over with mischief. "What?"

"I'm gonna make sure you get your nap." Sully scooped her up into his arms, and he proceeded to carry her up the stairs.

"Sully! Sully! Put me down, Sully!" She couldn't help herself, and she burst into laughter, as he held her close and carried her up to her room. Once inside the room, he placed her down into the bed and pulled the blankets over her. She looked up at him, her cheeks rosy from laughter.

"You rest now, and if ya ain't feelin' better when ya get up, I'm takin' ya to Cloud Dancin'."

"Alright," she said with a nod. "I suppose it's a deal." He grinned and kissed her forehead. When he began to walk away, she suddenly wondered if she should tell him… "Sully?"

"Yeah?"

"I…" She wanted to tell him she was afraid something was wrong. She wanted to tell him that she wanted him to hold her. But, she knew she was probably just being foolish. She had worn herself out and made herself sick. Rest was what she needed.

"Wake me if I sleep too long," she said with a sincere smile. Sully smiled, and he moved back toward the bed. He leaned down to gently press his lips to hers, and they lingered there momentarily. After two weeks of not being this close, Michaela and Sully both fell into the moment, and Michaela sat up, wrapping her arms around his neck, moaning into his kiss.

Sully's hands gently removed the pins from Michaela's hair, and it began to cascade down her shoulders. Just as he was about to lower himself onto the bed, footsteps echoed down the hallway, and Michaela and Sully jumped apart quickly, and Sully stood from the bed to straighten himself up. Mary and Johnny immediately came into sight, just catching both the doctor and Sully breaking apart from one another.

Mary giggled a little and covered her blushing face.

"Um," Johnny said quietly, putting his hand on the doorframe casually. "Pa, you uh…you promised to um…to take us to get candy at the mercantile." He shifted uncomfortably. Michaela flushed red, and Sully cleared his throat.

"Right. I did. I…uh, ok. Let's go." Johnny and Mary hurried off, and Sully turned to flash a sheepish smile at Michaela. She shook her head and thought about throwing her pillow at him, but she ultimately decided against it. He shut the door on his way out, leaving her to her thoughts.

Jake stumbled out of the saloon with an almost sober look upon his face. But the townspeople couldn't be fooled. He saw the people look away and whisper to one another. He knew what they were thinking. The elections were coming up soon, and he was certain that if he didn't get his act together, a new mayor would soon be running the town.

He heard the laughter of a little girl, and his eyes diverted to the center of town, where Sully was walking with Johnny and that little Mary Buchanan. Seeing Sully laugh and talk with the boy made his blood boil. In his heart, Johnny should have been his. He should have been the father of that boy.

"Pa! Can we get a whole bag of candy?" Johnny asked, the boy in him coming out more and more each day. With less responsibility on him with his grandfather gone, he was adjusting to the joys of being a child.

"I told ya," Sully said with a laugh, "just a few pieces. Don't want ya spoilin' your dinner."

"But that's hours away."

Jake fumed, as he made his way back to the barbershop. How was it fair that Sully neglected his family for a bunch of Indians and wasn't there to save them when the house burnt down? He was too late. He was always too late. He was too late to love them and too late to save them. Now he had his son. How was that fair? He was gone for ten years and just got to come back and pick up where he left off…with a new woman to boot.

He turned on his heels again, the voices of his past coming back to haunt him.

"What's goin' on?"

"I just needed…to…to talk to ya. That's all. Needed to see ya. Had a bad feelin'." Abagail cleared her throat, and her entire body tensed. "Ya got my letters? Ya read 'em?"

"You gave 'em to me, Jake. 'Course I got 'em. I read 'em too." Several moments passed in silence.

"Well…what…what'd ya think of 'em?"

"I…I think you're getting real good with words." Jake looked down into his coffee cup.

"Ya know what I mean." He took another drink, and he closed his eyes, the pounding growing stronger.

"Jake, I can't answer that," she said softly. "I'm married. I'm a mother. I got a life here, and…"

"And he's not here!" Jake blurted out, spreading out his arms, his eyes full of pain and need and worry.

"That's not his fault, Jake. He's helpin' somebody that needs him. Ya know Sully. He's a good man."

"What about you? You're a good woman, Abagail. Ya need somebody here."

"He's doin' what he can to support us, Jake! I can't ask any more of him." Jake shook his head.

"Ya can ask a lot more!"

"Sully loves us, Jake. He's the man I love; the man I married. I don't want…"

"Ya deserve better than what he can give ya."

Jake shook his head, thinking of that terrible night. He should have been sober. He should have stayed and proved his love for her. But, no, he had walked off and gotten himself even drunker before passing out, only to wake to the feeling that something was terribly wrong.

She was dead now. She had died long ago, and he had spent so much time trying to get over her, when in reality, he wasn't sure he ever would. The cattle drives had been a blessing at the time. He had even found a way to let go of his anger for just a little while with the trail boss' daughter. The thought sickened him, however. She'd been so young. So willing. But, God, she had barely been a woman.

His stomach tightened at the memory. That's where his memories were from. The cattle drive. The woman. Those eyes. Those lips. She was the woman. Her name…he didn't know. He hadn't been on the trail long enough. He hadn't paid enough attention. He hadn't cared. He'd gone in without a name and left without one too, and now his scarred memories were ripping open at the seams and exposing themselves to his heart for the first time in years.

His hands shook desperately for another drink. Losing himself at the bottom of a whiskey bottle had been his only comfort over the years. Now. Now… Years of his life had been wasted mourning the premature passing of the most beautiful woman he'd ever set his sights on. If she hadn't married Sully, she'd still be alive. God, it was all Sully's fault. How could he have moved on already as if nothing had ever happened? It was his fault that Abagail was dead. He had cared more about those Indians than his own family, and his wife and little girls had perished in the flames. It wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to be happy. Not now. Never again.

Olive smiled as Sully walked into the mercantile with Mary and Johnny.

"Hi Miss Olive!" Mary said with a prize-winning smile. Olive smiled and patted the little girl atop the head.

"Hello, Miss Mary," she replied. "I reckon the three of ya came for some candy."

"Yes, Ma'am," Johnny spoke up.

"Well, there's still a few stick of licorice and some gumdrops, but ya better hurry 'fore they're all gone." Johnny and Mary rushed over to look at the stock of candy, and Sully turned back toward Olive. "Sully, I wanna thank ya for watchin' over the mercantile at night. I know it ain't easy for either one of ya to stay here…bein' that Loren died here and all."

"It's alright," Sully replied. "It was hard at first, but I think Johnny sleeps better here. He's back in his old room." Olive nodded.

"Well, I appreciate it. I know with new folks comin' to town everyday, it gets harder to know who ya can trust." Sully nodded. "Say…how's that Carrie?"

"She's doin' better. Michaela's about ready to release her, but she's still hurtin'."

"I'm sure," Olive said with an understanding nod. "Well, I was thinkin' of comin' to see if she needed anything. After that last meetin', I think she realized that I just wanna help." Sully studied Olive's gaze for a moment.

"Ya see somethin' different in her too, don't ya?" Sully wondered.

"What do ya mean?"

"Ya see that she's really hurtin' on the inside. See, that's what I saw when I met her. I knew there was more to her than what she let on." Olive nodded.

"I think she just needs to know that somebody cares about her. I think she'll be ok, but she needs friends now more than ever." Olive sighed heavily. "A girl needs friends at different times in her life. Without 'em, she ain't got nobody to turn to if she ain't got a lovin' family." Sully spotted a distant, painful look in Olive's eyes, before the children rushed over with their hands sticky from the candy and their fingers crinkling around brown paper cones they'd formed into holsters for their gumdrops and licorice. "Will that be all for ya?" Sully nodded.

"That's two bits." Sully placed the money down on the counter, and Olive gave him a wink before ushering them out the door. "Now don't come back blamin' me for spoilin' your appetites later."

"We won't!" Johnny promised, as he and Mary hurried across town to sit on the steps of the schoolhouse, eat their candy, and wait for their lazy Sunday to go by.

When Michaela woke from her short nap, she felt exceptionally better. When she got up, she quickly did up her hair and splashed her face with cold water. She smiled a little, pinning her hair back up.

With a sigh, she sat down in front of the mirror and stared into her own reflection, seeing ten years worn into her face. She couldn't believe she and Sully had known one another for ten years and were only just not discovering the joys of love and the wonders of the intimacies that came along with it.

Her spine tingled, as she imagined his fingertips brushing up and down it. She imagined his lips on hers and his heart beating next to hers.

The smile upon her face didn't fade, and she didn't notice her mother standing in the doorway. A few moments passed, and Elizabeth cleared her throat. Michaela jumped and turned around quickly.

"Smiling, Michaela? I do hope you're thinking about your work and not your…your…"

"What is it, Mother?" Michaela asked immediately, standing up and moving across the room in a few quick strides.

"Rebecca and I have just come from speaking with the Reverend."

"And?" Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably. "Mother?"

"He's informed us that he feels you and Mr. Sully are…a good match." Michaela couldn't help the smile that formed across her face.

"Does he?"

"I tried to talk him into…into talking sense into you."

"Did you?" Michaela asked with an amused smile on her face.

"Oh, don't smirk, Michaela! It doesn't become you." Elizabeth folded her arms across her chest.

"If you've come to try to convince me that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life, Mother, please save your breath. I know exactly what I'm doing. I couldn't be happier. Sully and I are very happy as I assume we will be for the rest of our lives." Elizabeth shook her head.

"I don't think you realize, Michaela, what the rest of your lives means." She moved toward Michaela's window and looked out. "You have a lifetime ahead of you, and I don't believe that a marriage to Mr. Sully would be ideal."

"What you and I believe are two separate things, Mother. I love Sully, and he and I have made plans. Now you can be here on the twentieth of May or not, but Sully and I will be marrying regardless. I would prefer that you were there. I would prefer for you to give us your blessing, but if you can't do that, I can't force you to come. I wish you could be happy for me, Mother. Why can't you give me that? Why can't you be happy for me?"

"Michaela," Elizabeth said gently, "when I married your father, I was a happy woman. I knew I had a secure future ahead of me. I had a life of financial security and love."

"You did love him, didn't you?"

"Of course I did, Michaela, but it was a love that grew over time. I never married a man I didn't love." Michaela's eyes glanced up into her mother's.

"You…you've only been married once, Mother," Michaela said gently.

"Of course," Elizabeth said with a dry laugh. "I'm just saying, Michaela, that I loved your father."

"And I love Sully."

"But, Mr. Sully doesn't have what it takes to give you a good life."

"You're thinking about money. Money isn't what counts with us." Elizabeth was about to speak again, but Michaela's eyes were full of exhaustion again. "If you'll excuse me, I have a patient to check on."

"Very well," Elizabeth replied. "I'll see you at dinner." Michaela nodded and watched her mother leave. With a frown, she turned back toward the mirror and peered into her own eyes. She saw so much of her mother's determination and stubbornness there, yet she couldn't understand why her mother couldn't accept that she wanted to marry for love. What was so wrong about it? Why couldn't love be enough?

"Better?" Daniel asked, as Carrie's arm wrapped firmly around his waist. She nodded, hating the fact that she was relying on him to help her around. She felt a bit dizzy now and then, but she felt exceptionally better than she did two weeks ago. "Ready to sit down yet?"

"Just a little longer," she urged. Daniel chuckled and opened up the door. He smiled a little, helping her out. Just as they were turning the corner, Michaela came walking out of her room looking slightly rested.

"Carrie," she said with a pleased smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Real good," she said with a pleasant not. "Feel like I could get out for some air." Michaela glanced at Daniel.

"Well, I don't see any reason you couldn't go outside for a little while. But you have to let Daniel help you." Carrie laughed.

"I think he's permanently sewed to my side," Carrie said, rolling her eyes. "If I didn't know better, I'd say ya did that when I was unconscious, Doc." Michaela smiled at Carrie's light mood. Her disposition seemed to be improving by the day.

Just as Carrie was turning to go back and pull on her coat, something fell from inside of her gown and clattered down onto the wooden floor.

"Oh, I'll get that," Michaela offered, stooping down to pick up the silver locket necklace. She smiled, handing it back to Carrie. Carrie cleared her throat and clasped the necklace in her hand. "It's beautiful." Carrie nodded.

"I…I've had it all my life." She wanted to stop talking, but she had never talked about it before. When she looked into Michaela's eyes, she saw the warmth of a compassionate, truly caring person. She'd seen that look for the past few weeks, and trust was certainly becoming established between the two. "My mother…she uh…my ma gave it to me 'fore she died."

"I'm sorry," Michaela said gently.

"It's ok. It was a long time ago." Daniel could sense Carrie's uncertainty, and he gently urged her back to her room.

"I'll come back to check on you in a little while," Michaela called.

"Alright. Thanks, Dr. Mike," Carrie said quietly, getting used to the lady doctor. Daniel nodded his appreciation to Michaela, and after she left, he helped Carrie into her coat.

"Ready?"

"Yeah," she replied gently. "Could you, um…could ya help me get this back on?" She dangled the necklace in front of him.

"Sure thing," he said with a smile. He helped her get the necklace on, and her fingers played with the dainty locket. "Looks real good on ya."

"It's the only thing I have left of her," she said softly. "I only wish I could remember her. I wish…" She fell silent, and Daniel realized she didn't want to speak about it any longer.

"C'mon. Let's go outside." He took her hand and helped her slowly down the stairs. She placed her hand firmly on her abdomen, grateful that she was getting out of the cramped clinic. She wanted fresh air.

Once outside, she slowly sat down on the bench, and Daniel noticed her face brighten.

"Much better," she said quietly, letting out a slow breath. Grace, who had brought by food from time to time came walking by.

"Well, it's nice to see ya out and about," she said with a charming smile. Carrie had come to enjoy Grace's visits, because she knew that she had been through a lot in her lifetime. Grace knew what pain really was. Carrie was certain that the woman that stood before her had endured a lifetime of the most unimaginable pain, but she smoothed it over with a smile and focused on the present.

"Thanks Miss Grace," Carrie said with a smile. "Did ya bring me some of that fried chicken?"

"As a matter of fact," Grace laughed. She handed the basket to Daniel. "One of these days I'm gonna come visit without food. Then I'll see how ya really feel about me." She was teasing, Carrie knew, and they laughed together. Daniel was amazed at how well Carrie had opened up to certain people. She had blossomed in the last two weeks, though she still drew back when conversations became too intimate. "Well, you two enjoy your meal. I need to get back to the café. Robert E.'s runnin' it and lookin' after the baby. Meanwhile, he's got work pilin' up by the minute over at the livery." Daniel chuckled.

"Tell him that if he needs any help to come find me. I'm lookin' for work anyhow."

"I'll let 'im know," Grace assured him. She walked off, and Carrie glanced at Daniel.

"You're lookin' for work? Since when?"

"Since I realized I'm runnin' outta money," he replied with a laugh.

"But, we're going on to Nevada," Carrie pointed out. Daniel raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, we are? That's good to know." Carrie let out a frustrated sigh.

"Ya know what I mean. Lookin' for work…that sounds permanent." Daniel nodded slowly and turned to face her.

"Well, what if it was?" Carrie's eyes widened.

"Daniel, I can't…I can't stay here."

"Why not?"

"Well, I…I can't. It's just…"

"It's just what? It's full of people who care about ya and want ya to get better? Sully's here. Michaela's here."

"Exactly! I can't stay here after what I…well, Sully…" She shook her head.

"Ya think Michaela's jealous of you?" Daniel asked. Carrie didn't speak, but she shook her head.

"Sully loves her, Carrie. Ya know that. She knows it too." Daniel started to speak again.

"Can we not talk about that again? I don't love Sully, Daniel," she hissed. "It's just…it might be awkward."

"Well, he's your friend, and it ain't awkward for him, is it?" Before she could speak again, Olive came walking up with a crate in her arms.

"Daniel, is Dr. Mike around?" she asked.

"She's in the clinic."

"Well, could ya give this to her? I got orders to fill, and I'm real busy."

"Sure thing," Daniel assured her, taking the crate.

"Thanks." As Olive was about to turn around and walk back to the mercantile, something caught her eye. She saw the silver that dangled around Carrie's neck, and the sun glinted against it. Carrie noticed Olive staring, and she gently took the chain between her fingers.

"My Ma gave it to me," she said quietly. "You like it?" Olive cleared her throat and shook her head, distracted.

"It's lovely," she replied quietly, looking at the locket that rested between Carrie's thumb and forefinger. Before she could speak again, Daniel pulled Carrie into another conversation, and she took the time to make her escape.

Into the mercantile she went, and she made her way up the stairs when she saw no customers were waiting. She walked into the room Sully was staying in each night, and she opened up one of the chest drawers, pulling out a small box she'd hidden back there when she'd moved in. She closed her eyes, placing one hand over her broken heart, and she lifted the lid. A moment later, she extracted a dainty silver chain with an identical star-shaped locket. She brushed the tears from her eyes, and she shook her head, immediately putting it back away.

She'd put her past behind her a long time ago. There was no use digging those painful memories back up. There was no use. Not anymore.

"No. It can't be. She can't be." In her heart she knew. Carrie James was her daughter.