THIS IS LONG. I CRIED. AND NOW I HAVE TO GO TO BED. Shorty AN.

REVIEWS WERE PHENOMINAL. I LOVE YOU ALL. NEXT CHAPTER = ALMOST DONE. Up this weekend unless you blow me away with your reviews again! then sooner!

Hold Me Close While I Breathe You update in the next couple days. LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU. Grab some tissues cause this is a little sad.

Chapter 3

He felt numb. He could see the doctor's lips moving, but all that he heard was a dull buzzing noise. He could see Spencer's hand twitch, and he knew that she was tightening her grip on him, but he felt nothing.

Cancer? He had cancer? That wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to get sick. He wasn't presumptuous enough to believe that he deserved it any less than other people, but hadn't he been but through his share of suffering? Hadn't the universe punished him enough?

Spencer's eyes were on him now, her brown searching for a response in his blue. But he couldn't give it to her yet. Not until he knew that he wouldn't break down. The numbness wasn't just for his own sake. He knew exactly what it would do to her if he started to cry.

But as he saw her eyes fill with tears and turn back to the doctor the numbness because to wear off. First he could feel his hands again, and he gently squeezed her fingers to show her that he was with her.

"-can you be so sure?"

Dr. Green nodded slowly. "We have diagnosed this disease an unfortunate number of times, Mrs. Cavanaugh. We know what to look for in the blood, and unfortunately your husband displayed every one of the signs."

"What about treatment options? When do we start?" She glanced at Toby. Her face displayed no emotion other than the tears welling up in her eyes. She was as devastated as he was, but he was also comforted in knowing that she was with him. He didn't have anyone else... no family, and his friends were her friends first. Without Spencer he wouldn't have anything.

"Typically we begin with an aggressive session of chemotherapy. It will be three times a week for six weeks; dependent upon his diagnosis it may have to be an inpatient procedure, but if he's allowed to go home between sessions he will need someone to attend with him. We've found it goes more smoothly with a loved one present, and he will probably not be feeling his best after the sessions. But first we have a series of tests to get an exact diagnosis and to ensure that it hasn't spread."

He didn't like the sound of that. Not only had he heard of the tole that chemo took on your body, but it also sounded like it was going to place a significant burden on his friends and family, namely Spencer. He couldn't do that to her. "Spence-"

"Shut up," she said softly, brushing her fingers down his arm. She clearly didn't approve of his hesitancy. "What are the risks of the chemo?"

"There are some harsh side effects that occur in a majority of people. Hair loss, nausea, digestive issues, fatigue... but it is the best chance that we have to fight this. It's the most effective method of treatment."

She nodded thoughtfully. "And if that doesn't work?"

"There are a number of other things we can try. Namely a bone marrow transplant. Actually, we typically begin seeking out a donor for said transplant immediately because it can take awhile. If it becomes necessary he won't-" Dr. Green hesitated. "he won't have awhile."

"Okay, feel free to test me at your earliest convenience," Spencer nodded, glancing over at him briefly. It was like she was a afraid he'd disappear. "What's the mortality rate?"

Dr. Green looked reluctant to answer, but he must have seen Spencer's desperate tenacity. She would get the answers that she needed, no matter what it took. "We see just over half of our patients surviving past the five year mark."

"So you're saying that around half of your patients die?"

Her voice broke at the end of her sentence, so he lifted her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips across her knuckles. He couldn't tell her that everything would be okay, because he didn't know that it would. But what he could do was remind her that they'd be together every step of the way. He was scared, hell he was terrified. He didn't want to deal with the pain, and the thought of watching his body weakening terrified him. And as he reached out to brush the stray tear on her cheek he knew that his biggest fear was leaving Spencer behind.

Dr. Green nodded sadly. "Yes, but don't look at it that way. Most of those people are elderly, their cancer has metastasized, or they have to deal with other complications. Don't worry about it until it happens. There's every chance that Mr. Cavanaugh could survive this."

She nodded and brushed away another stray tear. She looked at him, and this time he knew that she was asking him whether he had any questions. He gave her as sincere a smile as he could muster before voicing the one question that he had. "When can we schedule the tests for?"

"Tomorrow, if at all possible. I have an opening at 10 am. We want to treat this aggressively. We'll give you every chance to beat this, Toby."

"Okay," he said softly. He kept his eyes on Spencer as he spoke, because he was honestly worried about how unnaturally still she was. It was irrational, but he was always more concerned with her. Even when he should put himself first he could never bring himself to do it. "We're going to go, but I'll be back tomorrow morning."

"We'll be back tomorrow," Spencer interjected, daring him to contradict her. "Have a nice day," she added to the doctor as an afterthought.

Dr. Green might have said something else, but Toby didn't hear him. His eyes were on Spencer as they walked out the room, through the whitewashed hallways, and into his truck. She was upset, and he knew it. She didn't have to speak, he didn't have to see her face for him to know that. But he was upset too, understandable. The darkness that had saturated most of his life was encroaching again. How was he supposed to get through this? The only thing that kept him holding on was the thing that had eradicated the darkness to begin with, Spencer.

Immediately after buckling her seat belt she pulled out her cell phone.

"What are you doing?" His voice sounded pained, but that was alright. He just found out that he had a fifty percent chance of not surviving the next five years. If he were completely honest, there were periods of his life where death would have been a relief. But not now. Never now. Because he was finally reaching a point in his life where he had significantly more good days than bad. He was finally happy.

She didn't look up to answer. "Looking things up. I want to be prepared for tomorrow. This is too serious to blindly trust the doctors with."

He was torn. He didn't want Spencer to inconvenience herself for him. He didn't want her to worry about him. But honestly? There was no one else in the world that he'd rather have on his side. Spencer Hastings was the one person he had ever met that he could consistently count on to be the most intelligent person in the room. She would make sure that his treatment stayed on course.

"Spence-" he murmured as they pulled up to their apartment. "Are you alright?"

She shot him a smile that was clearly forced. "I'm fine. But... I just remembered that I promised Han and Emily I'd come over."

"Okay. I could drive you..." he trailed off hesitantly.

"No, I've got my keys," she laughed. Had he been anyone else he might have thought that she was carefree, but because he knew her so well he could see the lingering pain. She hesitated climbing out of the truck and turned back to him. All of her fake happiness was gone, and she looked at him seriously. "Will you be alright? I- I can stay if you want me too."

He didn't hesitate in drawing her near. He wanted to kiss her fears away, to tell her that everything would be alright. But he couldn't promise that. Instead he gently touched their foreheads together. "I'll be fine, Spence. Be safe, okay?"

She lingered for a moment, nodding her head a few times before pulling away. "Toby- I just- hang in there, okay? I love you, and we'll figure this out together."

"Love you too." He hoped the sincerity of his words shown through more prominently than the fear and the pain. Because she dulled all of those negative emotions. When Spencer was around everything was just better.

He watched her drive away before getting out of the car himself and walking upstairs to their apartment. As much as he hated to admit it, even to himself, he was just as scared of losing Spencer as he was of dying. Because a life without her wasn't much of a life. But he needed to get over that, because Spencer had always proven herself to be loyal throughout every single second of their relationship, even when he didn't deserve it. But what if this was too much for her to take? How would he get through it without her?

It was like a black hole was slowly ripping its way through his heart. There was nothing good left in his world.

"Please Toby. You have to talk to me. Just let me in." Spencer pleaded, her hands reaching out for him.

He flinched away, turning to stare out the window. Usually Spencer could make anything better, but there was nothing she could do. She couldn't bring his mom back, and that's all that he wanted. He just wanted his mom.

"Please baby. If not me then Caleb. Hell, even your dad. You don't have to go through this alone."

He couldn't feel anything but numbness, but deep down inside he knew that he still loved her. And now that his mom was dead he knew without a shadow of a doubt that there wasn't a single person on the planet that he loved more. And that was why he couldn't let her do this. He couldn't let her hurt over him, especially when he knew that there was no helping him. He was gone.

"Just go," he muttered.

"Say that again?" She whispered. He knew from her tone that she had heard him, but that he would have to be a bit more forceful if he actually wanted her to leave. She was far too stubborn for her own good.

"Just leave," he repeated, forcing a bit of strength into his words. It was hard to even muster up enough energy for that. He had been through so much in his life. Didn't he deserve a little bit of joy? Of happiness? But how was he supposed to ever move on from such a debilitating blow?

But as he watched Spencer flinch away like he slapped her he felt a twinge in his heart. She didn't deserve to be so sad, but if he could save her more pain by hurting her now maybe it was the right choice. Everyone around him suffered. He was cursed.

"W-what?" She stuttered, not comprehending what he was saying to her.

A single tear squeezed out of his swollen tear ducts. He was surprised. He thought that he had nothing left. "I can't do this anymore, Spencer." The words felt wrong, almost foreign. He shouldn't be saying things like that to her. It's not what he wanted, but it was what was best.

"What are you saying?" Her voice took on a tone of harshness that he had never heard before.

The sheer devastation that accompanied her harsh tone slowly cracked through his emotionless facade. Tear after tear poured down his face as he struggled to avoid her gaze. "That I- I can't d-do this anymore. I- I think we should-" He stopped, his throat too tight to continue. She knew what he was trying to say. Not that he wanted to say it. But how else was he going to protect her from his shit luck? How else was he going to ensure that she had a safe and happy life? Because it was basically a guarantee that she wouldn't get that around him.

But she was having none of that. Her hands found his face and forced him to look in her tear filled eyes. He was positive that she didn't even know the extend of the despair that he found within them, or else she never would have made him look at her. She would have tried to hide it. "Listen to me," she murmured. "Listen to me, Toby. I love you. And if this is what you want I will do it, but I want it to be known that it's NOT what I want. So go home. Go home and don't say another word. Sleep on it, and if I don't hear from you tomorrow I'll assume that you made your choice."

And without another word she fled the car. He watched her go, her speed only increasing the further she got away from the car. He should feel happy. He had just defeated the most stubborn person that he had ever met in a show of determination. But he didn't feel happy. He felt empty. He thought that he was on empty before, but now he truly had nothing left. Spencer, the only person left that loved him, was gone. And it was his own fault.

But as he stared at the spot she had disappeared from he realized how unimaginable a bastard he had been. He was her ride, and they were a significant distance from her house. It looked like it was going to rain any second, and she left her jacket in his car. He couldn't leave her without any kind of protection.

As he drove off after her the full weight of what he just did hit him. Spencer was the only person left in the world that he could consistently count on to be there for him. The only one. And he loved her. He loved her so much, and the look on her face was going to stick with him forever. Was he so hurt that he had to hurt her too? Was it because he knew that she would only go if he hurt her too much? No matter what his motivations were, he knew that he had to find her. He had to fix this.

He barely got down the road before the sky opened up and rain poured down onto them. His heart ached with worry for his girlfriend... if she'd even let him call her that anymore. God Spence, where are you? Just as he was about to give up and turn around to double back he saw a small, hunched over figure on the sidewalk. He stopped in the middle of the road, and jumped out of the car. He knew it was Spencer, and he wasn't going to leave her thinking that he didn't want her for another second. "Spencer!""

The strangled sobbing noise coming from her throat would have sent him to his knees were he not so determined to fix this. "Spence-" he whispered, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and bringing her to her feet. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, wiping her tears away. But it got to the point that he wasn't sure what were tears and what was the rain.

She was shivering beneath his hands, so he sloppily yanked his jacket off and wrapped it around her shoulders. If nothing else he could help keep her warm. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." As he clutched her to his chest he promised himself that he would never again be so stupid. He was there until she ordered him away.

As he leaned back against the couch cushions and closed his eyes he renewed that promise. He wouldn't ever make that mistake again. He would never leave her. He closed his eyes, and before he realized what was happening his eyes drifted shut and he fell asleep.

The ear shattering ringing of his phone woke him up much too soon. If Spencer had been home he wouldn't have answered it. Anyone else he cared about had her number too, but since he was alone he slid his phone out of his pocket and to his ear. "Mmmm?" He mumbled, hoping that whoever was on the other end caught his greeting.

"Toby?"

Emily's voice sat him up straight. "Em? What's up?"

"Hey! So, we drank a little bit, and Spencer- she kind of actually drank a shit ton. I'm not sure what's up with her, but we couldn't wrestle the vodka away from her."

Oh Jesus. He knew that she was upset, but he hadn't expected that. "Is she okay?"

"She's obviously upset about something, but she's physically fine. But really why I'm calling is to ask you if you want us to tuck her into one of Hanna's spare beds or if you want to come get her?"

Oh Spencer. He had already grabbed his keys and was out the door before he responded. "I'll be there in five minutes." He snapped his phone shut, and he knew that it was rude, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All he was worried about right now was Spencer.

Luckily Hanna lived close enough that he didn't have time to work himself into the panic that he felt brewing. Spencer never drank. Even in college she consistently offered to be the designated driver. She said she didn't like the feeling of losing control. He took the stairs to Hanna's apartment two at a time, ignoring the heaviness in his head and the aching in his body. It was all inconsequential.

"Toby!"

Her voice was the first thing that he heard as he walked into the apartment. He glanced at Emily who shrugged at him. Spencer had obviously not shared her fears with her friends, and it wasn't his place. He'd leave that to her.

Spencer bound forward and threw her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her, steadying her wobbly frame. "Hey, baby," he murmured, brushing his lips across the tender spot underneath her ear. "Can we use your room, Hanna? I just need to talk to her for second."

"Of course!" Hanna was the kind of person who always spoke in exclamation points, and he kind of loved that about her.

"I don't want to talk," Spencer protested, wriggling out of his arms. He almost lost her for a second, but he kept her steady in his firm embrace.

He shot her a distracted smile and all but carried Spencer down the hallway and sat her on the bed. "Talk to me, Spence. Why did you do this to yourself?"

"I just- I w-wanted to have fun." Her voice was significantly less happy, but she was still trying. Even though he could smell the vodka on her breath and see the lack of coherency in her eyes she was still articulate and poised. He loved her so much.

"Spencer," he sighed, brushing a series of soft kisses along her brow. "Please don't lie to me."

She sighed into the place where his shoulder and his neck met and hesitated briefly before responding. "It hurts," she whispered. "I don't want to be selfish, but i-it hurts to think that I m-might lose you. I'm so scared that-" her words broke off as the tears that she had been holding back finally surfaced. Spencer was the type that once she allowed herself to show any kind of emotion she couldn't stop. Her sobs came hard and fast, rocking her tiny body. She wilted against him, and he gladly took on her insubstantial weight. He would spend forever holding her if it would some how make this okay for her.

"Listen to me." He spoke just loudly enough to be heard over her cries. "Listen to me Spencer, and hear me. I promise you, I swear, that you'll never be alone. You'll never be alone, baby. Not even for a single second. Even if the worst happens... even if I-" he couldn't bring himself to say the word. "I'll find a way to make this okay for you. I love you."

"I'm s-sorry," she mumbled, sagging more deeply into him. He could tell by her slow speech and even, albeit ragged, breathing that she was near unconsciousness. He could only hope that she wouldn't remember this, because it would cause her needless embarrassment.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I always want you to feel like you can talk to me, baby," he whispered into her hair.

She nuzzled her face into his arm. "Mmm, you too Tobes. You talk to me t-too."

"I just-" he sighed. She had been honest with him. He owed her the same respect, and it didn't hurt that he doubted she remembered this tomorrow. "Just don't ever leave me Spencer. I can't see myself getting through this without you. I know that it's manipulative and selfish, but-"

"Shut up," she groaned. "Shut up, shut up, shut up."

He had to stifle his giggles, but he didn't speak. She shifted in his arms so that she could look up at him. "Shut up, Toby. Stop being so self-sacrificing. It's not a burden to be there for you. It's not a hardship. You've been there for me every single step of for-freaking ever. This is the least I can do. But honestly? Despite even all of that I would still want to be there for you. You know why?"

"Why?" He indulged her question, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

"Because I love you, you idiot," she yawned, giving way to the alcohol-induced exhaustion. Her eyes lowered slightly as she leaned into his arm. "I love you. Don't die. Okay? Please don't die. Don't die."

"Shhh. I don't know what the future holds, baby. But what I can tell you is that if I have any say in it I'm not going anywhere. I'm exactly where I need to be."

A garbled groan was her only response as her breathing evened out and her eyes closed completely. He could feel the wetness from her tears pooling on his bicep. He leaned forward covering her body with his torso and resting his chin in the crook of her neck. "I'll never leave you, Spencer," he whispered. "Not if I can help it." Right then and there he made a promise to fight. He would fight this disease with everything in him, and he would earn the life that he and Spencer had planned. He wasn't going anywhere.

Tears slowly ran down his cheeks and into her hair. He didn't move from his spot. There wasn't anything physical that he needed to protect her from, but maybe his presence would help keep the nightmares and bad thoughts away. Maybe he could do something now. Maybe he could fix this.