Chapter 50

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

"Come in, Dr. Bernard. I'm Dr. Michaela Quinn."

"It's wonderful to meet you," he said with a smile, following her into the clinic. "I received word that a doctor was needed immediately in Colorado Springs, and I took the late train last night. Is everything alright?" Michaela nodded slowly.

"Yes. Yes, I believe so. I'm just…I've been experiencing…" He watched her carefully.

"Yes?" Her eyes fell for a moment, and she wasn't certain what to say.

"Well, why don't we start with an examination?" Relieved that he had stepped in to answer for her, she nodded, before slipping behind the changing screen to slip into a gown.

Tommy walked into the mercantile with two bits clenched in his fist. He looked around the store in search of the shopkeeper. Seeing nobody there to help him, he began to look around, taking note of things he would need when it was time to leave again. He wasn't certain when that would be, but he hoped that Carrie wouldn't mind him staying around for a little while.

He removed his hat for a moment and ran his fingers through his hair. Something about this place seemed so familiar. Something about it triggered memories of long ago. That perfume. Something about that…no, it couldn't be.

"I'll be right with ya!" came a strong, female voice from upstairs. It was a voice that shook Tommy to his very core. He knew that voice. His eyes stared at the wooden staircase, as he walked around the mercantile. He stood there, waiting at the foot of the stairs for the voice's owner to appear. He didn't want to startle her. What if it wasn't her? No…he needed to back away.

Time crawled by, and Tommy turned his back on the stairs. Quickly, he made his way to the counter, when he heard the tip tapping of shoes against wood. Suddenly, he couldn't remember why he'd come. He needed to leave, but he needed to stay. He had to be sure his ears weren't failing him. It couldn't possibly be her, could it?

"What can I do for ya?" She stepped off of the stairs and made her way around the counter, not paying much attention to anything but tying her apron around her waist. How was he supposed to answer that?

That same fiery red hair, those same eyes, downcast this time, and that same straight posture and down to earth smile. She had changed over time, yet he still saw that beauty he'd seen in her twenty years ago. What was he supposed to say to her?

"That's a mighty fine question." Olive froze, her head down, and when she looked up into those eyes, the pain of her past came flooding back, along with those familiar feelings of needing someone to understand her and love her. He had done that.

"Tom…Tommy?" she asked, her back completely rigid now. "It's you." Perhaps she was still upstairs in bed asleep. Maybe this was one of many dreams she had had the night before.

"You're here. It's true. I thought my ears were playin' tricks on me. Olive…I can't believe you're here." His first instinct was to reach out to her, but his second was to leave her be.

"What are you doin' here?" she asked, her voice quivering, as she moved from behind the counter and to the double doors. She closed them, locking them both inside. "Tommy James! You answer me this minute!" Her heart skipped rapidly in her chest. Thoughts of the day before swam through her head. Realization struck her. "It's because of her." Tommy nodded.

"Olive…she's here."

"I know." She swallowed hard, feeling the pain stinging her like a rusty syringe, as her had felt the necklace through the fabric of her apron pocket.

"Ya…ya know?" She nodded and placed her hands on the counter, trying to steady herself.

"I found out yesterday." Her voice was flat, but he was choked. "I ain't had time to…to think, and now you're here." She shook her head. "How can she be mine? I didn't even know my own daughter? Tommy, it ain't right. She wasn't s'posed to find me."

"It's been a long time, and…"

"And I'm just supposed to…to…"

"She don't know, Olive. She thinks her ma is dead. She thinks Anna was her ma." Feeling her heartbeat slowing just a bit from its start a few minutes ago, Olive nodded her head in understanding. She wasn't certain how to act in front of him. Seeing him…it was so startling that she just couldn't quite comprehend how much time had passed and how strong her feelings still were.

"I see some of me in her. I just…I can't believe I didn't know." She turned back toward the counter. "Dr. Mike says she coulda died.

"Ya never woulda known either. You're the one that…that left her with me." Olive turned back toward him, her eyes full of anger, hurt, and pain.

"I didn't have a choice! If I kept her with me…we both woulda died." Tommy stepped closer to her, still not believing she was there.

"I'm sorry. I know…I know it wasn't your fault. Just as much mine as it was yours. I'm glad ya left her with me. I just wanted…well…it wasn't meant to be."

August 1850

"She looks just like me," Tommy beamed, as he held the child close to his chest. Olive backed up a little, unable to bear the pain of falling in love with her baby all over again just before giving her up. She didn't want to give her up, but what choice did she have? "Olive, I wish I'd known." His eyes were full of regret. "I didn't think I'd see ya again. If I'd known…" A young woman stepped out of a tent nearby and glanced over at Tommy and the stranger.

"Tommy?" He turned quickly.

"I'll be right there, darlin'." Olive's eyes glistened with tears of regret and sorrow, but she blinked them away before he could see them.

"Who's she?"

"She's…she's my wife. Been married just over…over a month now." Olive took a deep breath and nodded her head.

"Well, I wish ya all the best."

"If I'd known ya wanted to come back, Olive…well, ya know how I feel…and…" She held her hand up.

"Stop, Tommy. We can't go back there. We can't. You're married, and I'm…I'm goin' home." Tommy's eyes widened.

"Home? To…"

"Me and Joe…we been writin' letters. He wants me to come home, and…and I finally told him I would." Tommy shifted slightly, not wanting to see her go just after he'd gotten her back into his life.

"You'll be takin' her?" Olive didn't move. "You're gonna take her and…"

"I can't," she whispered, closing her eyes to the child that began to cry for her. "I can't take her with me. Joe…he don't know about you, and I can't come home with another man's baby. If I do, he'll throw us both out, and I ain't got no money. I won't be able to take care of her. I know…I know your pa is payin' ya good, and…and ya got a wife. She needs a ma who can take proper care of her." Tommy was taken aback.

"You're leavin' her? You're…"

"I ain't doin' this 'cause I want to. But, I made a promise to that man. I…I wanna keep her, Tommy. I want her more than anything, but if I don't go home, we'll both have nothin'. Ya got a wife here, and…" Tommy cleared his throat.

"Anna can't have children, and…I know she won't mind, but…but, this girl needs her ma."

"Ya don't know how much I need her too." Olive's eyes welled with tears. "Please, promise me…promise me you'll care for her. Promise me you'll love her and won't let nothin' happen to her." Tommy was silent, as he peered down at the whimpering baby. "Please, Tommy. I can't leave her 'til I know she's safe and loved. I don't wanna leave her on somebody's doorstep or in some orphanage. You're her pa. I know how ya are. You were so good to me…ya cared, and ya understood. I want her to grow up with somebody like that in her life. Please, Tommy. Please take her. She's…she's your daughter. She needs to know she's loved."

"Michaela, I told ya before…we don't have to do this. We can wait 'til we're married before we're together again," he said softly. "If it's what you want; what ya need." Michaela smiled a little and nodded her head.

"I know," she whispered. "Things are so different now. It's hard to imagine not being this way with you. I wouldn't change things. I wouldn't." She bit her bottom lip. "I know that it goes against everything I've been taught to believe in. I know the risks." Pregnancy. "If it were to happen…"

"I know," he said quietly. "If it happens…we'll cross that bridge when it gets here." Michaela shook her head quickly. If it happens? Somehow, that word seemed to hold more probability than possibility.

"Sully. If it…no…it can't happen. It can't." She shook her head. She was so confused. Each part of her was telling her something different. She couldn't stop loving him. She couldn't let him stop loving her. But at the same time…they were facing a very real possibility. "I'm a doctor, Sully. I know that things happen when people least expect them. I…I know how we've been together, and it…it…" She couldn't even finish her sentences.

"Michaela, we can stop. We don't have to do this no more." Michaela closed her eyes, feeling even more confused than ever. "Tell me what ya want."

"I want to be happy," she whispered, "and, Sully, I'm more than happy when I'm with you. You've been amazing. You've been patient. You've been accepting of me and everything that worries me about what we're doing. You've taught me how to embrace passion. You've taught me how to live in the moment, and that's what we've done. We know our future. We know…and we know there could be consequences." She took a step toward him, completely bearing her soul to him.

"The question is…can we deal with 'em?" Michaela lowered her head and thought for a moment. Their wedding would be special. Just less than five months away. She had a very fragile relationship with the townsfolk, so something like an unplanned child before marriage could possibly forever mar her image. But, at the same time, her love for Sully was more important than that. Why should she make love with him with a guilty knowledge that they could be creating life? Why? Why think about it? Why let that get in the way? She had fought all of her battles throughout her life, so why did she had to battle with herself when the answer was obvious?

"I'm willing to if you are," she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. He nodded and took her hands in his.

"I am." They embraced softly. Michaela felt the final links of the chain that had held her back break. They weren't going to worry. They weren't going to let fear stop them from loving one another. They weren't going to let society tell them how they could love one another. "So you're sayin'…" She sighed softly

"I'm saying that I love you," she whispered, gently placing her hand against his cheek. "I love you more than I've loved anyone in my entire life, and I'm not afraid of loving you. We have the rest of our lives, and we shouldn't have to worry."

"Ain't you scared?"

"Terrified," she breathed, shuddering a little.. There were ways to avoid it. She was a doctor. She knew. But, she wasn't about to let fear and the unknown rule her life. She had obeyed the disapproving eyes of society for too long. She had been frowned upon for being a woman interested in medicine. She had been frowned upon for graduating with honors at the top of her class. She had been frowned upon for working side-by-side with her father. All of her life, people had looked down at her for who she was, and she had survived with her head high. There was nothing saying she couldn't do the same now.

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

Stepping out from behind the changing screen again after the examination, that entire conversation raced through Michaela's head, and she felt her entire world spinning around her. Her heart pounded, and her body perspired with frantic emotion. She gripped the sides of the examination table. Why was she reacting like this? She was a doctor. She was supposed to be professional. Oh, to hell with being professional. She knew she shouldn't be surprised, but she couldn't help it.

"Dr. Quinn?" Dr. Bernard asked, putting his hand on her shoulder, when he saw her starting to wobble slightly. "Dr. Quinn, are you alright?" Michaela slowly nodded her head, as everything came crashing back to her. Everything that she'd been so careless about. Everything that she'd put behind her on account of loving him. But even still…she didn't regret it.

"I'm fine," she said stiffly, swallowing hard. Dr. Bernard nodded his head, and he toweled off his hands over the washbasin.

"I take it that this wasn't a planned pregnancy?"

"No. Not planned," she admitted. She eyed the doctor and shifted her weight uncomfortably.

"Everything does seem to be progressing well. I'd say you should have a September baby." Michaela nodded at the thought, still not quite absorbing the details of this appointment.

"Thank you for coming so quickly, Dr. Bernard."

"Well, your husband was right to wire for a doctor. I'd like you to rest for a while. Don't overexert yourself, and try not to pull twenty-hour days. I know it's difficult to remain calm and relaxed as a doctor." He cleared his throat. "I could set up appointments to check on you regularly." Michaela slowly nodded, uncertain of how everyone around her was going to react once the news got out. "Would you like me to tell him the happy news?"

"No!" she exclaimed a little too loudly. Dr. Bernard's eyes widened.

"Dr. Quinn?"

"I'll tell him. He…he's not going to…well…he's going to be surprised." Dr. Bernard spotted the ring-less finger on Michaela's hand, and he suddenly realized why she was so quiet and nervous.

"Dr. Quinn," he said, clearing his throat. "I'm going to give you the very best care throughout your pregnancy, but I need you to be certain that you want my help." Michaela's eyes widened.

"Well yes. Yes, of course," she said quietly. "I'm just…I wasn't expecting…"

"Sometimes things happen for reasons we can't explain…or they happen when we least expect them. Believe me, Dr. Quinn. I've brought several of those unexpected miracles into the world over the years."

"This can certainly be explained," she whispered under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said, shaking her head. "I…Thank you for coming, Dr. Bernard." He nodded his head.

"Just remember, Dr. Quinn, what happened in this clinic stays between us."

"I appreciate that. I'm just…I'm a little…"

"I understand. Most unplanned pregnancies do come as a shock, but Dr. Quinn, your reputation as a doctor is very high, and you are very respected among those I've spoken with about you. You are a phenomenal physician, but first and foremost now, you are a mother. You need to take care of yourself, and I suggest you talk with your…with the father right away." Michaela's eyes met his. He knew.

"You understand…"

"I understand. I know how delicate these situations are, but being a man, I've never experienced them for myself. I only wish you the best of luck, and if you'd prefer to come to Denver for your appointments, I'd be happy to welcome you." Michaela swallowed hard and nodded her head, uncertain of whether to hug him or burst into tears for his being so kind. She knew that neither would be very appropriate.

"I'll be in touch," she choked. She watched Dr. Bernard tip his hat again and leave the clinic. Suddenly, she felt as if her entire world had come crashing down around her. Regrets? No. She had none. But look where it had gotten her. She didn't know how to think or to feel, so she simply leaned against the door, trying not to let her weakening knees fail her.

"Sully," she whispered, as tears began to fall freely down her face. "Our baby. I'm…" She knew she needed to practice saying it before she got to him. She didn't know how he was going to react. She knew he'd be there for her, because she trusted him with her life, but she was so afraid of telling him, because she was still afraid of what she didn't know. What did the future hold for them? "I'm…pregnant." The words still didn't ring true. They hadn't when he'd told her either. Pregnant. In the reaches of her mind, she had known all along, but she had passed it off as silly worries. Now she knew. Silly worries…there were no such things anymore.

A child. Her child. His child. Their child. She was pregnant. How could this have happened? How could she have let this happen? She knew…God, they loved one another so much, but she had never expected things to be so out of order. She was supposed to become his wife and then the mother of his children. Not the other way around. They certainly hadn't done anything to prevent that from happening. They had been willing to accept their consequences, and they had been a little too careless, but she didn't care about that right now. What mattered was the here and now. She was pregnant. She and Sully were going to be parents. Together.

She closed her eyes, trying to figure out if she was dreaming. Those dreams came more and more frequently anyway, and they always felt so real. But, after she opened her eyes, she realized the truth. This was no dream. She was carrying Sully's child. She was going to be a mother.

Her head was still spinning. This child inside of her was everything she had dreamed a child of her own would be. It was created out of love, and there wasn't a doubt in her mind that she wanted to be a mother, but…she hadn't expected it now. Not so soon. She couldn't resent it or regret it though, because they had been willing to accept any consequences of their actions, but…it was still a surprise. She was too shocked to feel happiness or anything at that very moment.

She heard the door jostle behind her, and she jumped with a start. Quickly, she turned and opened the door, coming face to face with the last person she wanted to see at that moment.

"Mother?" she stammered, fear and worry in her eyes. Why was it that her mother appeared at the most inappropriate moment? She only wanted a few minutes alone to think and then to find Sully. She wasn't sure she had what it took to keep her mother at bay just yet.

"For goodness sakes, Michaela! You look like you've seen a ghost. What's wrong with you?" Michaela knew nothing that she could say to her mother just then. So, Elizabeth pushed past her and came into the room. Michaela slowly closed the door behind her.

"Mother, I'm in a hurry, so if you could…" Elizabeth turned toward her with a weary look in her eyes.

"Don't rush me, Michaela. I came to see you." Michaela shifted nervously before moving across the room to sit behind her desk.

"What for?" Elizabeth sighed with exasperation. "To tell me how much you disapprove of my being with Sully? Please spare us both, Mother." She surprised herself at how cold she sounded to her mother. When had things gotten so tense between them? They had never had an easy relationship, but things were worse now than they had been in a long while.

"I didn't come to speak of you and Mr. Sully," Elizabeth interrupted, holding up a firm hand. Michaela relaxed a little and nodded her head. Elizabeth paced for a moment, gathering her thoughts, and Michaela waited silently.

"Go on." Honestly, her mind was focused anywhere but on her mother's visit, and the sooner Elizabeth left, the sooner she could deal with more pressing issues.

"Believe it or not, Michaela, I do have better things to do than to sit around thinking about everything about your relationship that I disapprove of, but believe me, I could!" Michaela started to get up, but Elizabeth continued. "I've come to tell you that I'm thinking about going back to Boston." Michaela's eyes widened.

"You're going home?" Elizabeth didn't move.

"I think it would be best. I've been here for quite some time now, and I feel it would be best if I took your sister and Mary home before…"

"You can't speak for Rebecca and Mary, Mother," Michaela pointed out, her eyes flashing annoyance. "Mary is enjoying it out here, and for once, Rebecca has something to do with her time that she actually enjoys, and—"

"This town is nothing but a negative influence on them, and I feel it would be best if we returned home. You would be wise to do the same, but…" Michaela shook her head, fed up with her mother's need to constantly put down her decision to live out West.

"You just want to leave? That's it?"

"You obviously care nothing about your own welfare, and I refuse to stay here and watch you ruin your life." Unable to make sense of much of anything at the moment, Michaela took a slow, deep breath, gathering her wits and her thoughts.

"Why are you being like this? Have you not realized that Sully and I are happy?"

"I refuse to watch you throw your life away on some fantasy, Michaela! I'm sure you love him and that he loves you, but what happens when that isn't enough?" Michaela was a little taken aback.

"That…that won't happen." She got up and moved to the window, leaning against the sill, her eyes burning with tears already. Much to her surprise, when Elizabeth spoke again, her voice was softer.

"Can you guarantee that, Michaela? Can you guarantee that if you marry Sully, you'll be happy and…and cared for for the rest of your life?" Michaela swallowed hard and turned toward her.

"That's where we're different, Mother. Love is enough with us. I…I don't care about money. I don't care about how many people attend parties in my honor or how fancy my dresses are. All I care about is the family I'm starting with Sully." Her eyes flooded again, and she sniffled. "All I've ever wanted in my entire life is right here in Colorado Springs. Right now. Sully. Johnny." She paused. "And you." Elizabeth's eyes softened at the sight of her daughter's pale face and tear-welled eyes. It was then that she realized what Cloud Dancing had meant.

There was still so much that she and Sully needed to resolve before their wedding. Not only did they have a child on the way, but they had Elizabeth's blessing to get. Michaela knew in her heart that she would never be completely happy without her mother in her life. Yes, she would love Sully forever without that blessing, but she had never wanted her mother's approval so much until now.

"I…I don't know what to say."

"I only want you to be happy for me. Why is that so difficult for you?" For the first time in years, Elizabeth's hand took her daughter's.

"Because I know what it's like to be in love, and I know what it's like to have a broken heart." Slowly, Elizabeth turned and left her daughter in a state of confusion, feeling worse than before.

Slowly, she sunk back into her desk chair and placed her hand on her belly, knowing for the first time that a life was growing just beneath her touch.

"Thanks Robert E.," Sully said with a satisfied nod, as Robert E. finished helping him load supplies into the wagon. Sully had been out to the homestead site once already, but he figured that it was never too early to start working on other smaller projects.

"No problem. Just remember, if ya need any help with the house, just let me know. I'd be happy to help when Grace don't need me to watch Olivia." Sully nodded and pat Robert E. on the back.

"I appreciate that," Sully said with a nod.

"How's Dr. Mike doin'?"

"She's doin' better. She's just tired. But, I can't blame her. She's tryin' to do ten things at once, and it's wearin' down on her."

"I'm sure things'll settle soon." Sully nodded.

"You're probably right." Sully chuckled, as Robert E. gave him a knowing glance.

"Then again, married life ain't all that calm and peaceful all the time either." Sully was about to say something in response, but at that moment, he saw the familiar eyes of Jake Slicker glaring at him from nearby. This time, he looked relatively sober, though his eyes carried dark circles beneath them.

"Uh, why don't ya pay me for this later?" Robert E. asked, hoping to help Sully avoid another struggle with Jake. They did well to avoid one another, but there were times when it seemed that Jake couldn't resist getting his jabs in.

"Need my horse re-shoed," Jake muttered, tossing a silver dollar at Robert E. "Have it done by lunch."

"Can't do that, Jake," Robert E. replied, tossing the coin back to him. "No time."

"What do ya mean? I'm payin' ya." Jake's tall, lean figure towered over Robert E. for a minute, but Robert E. turned to keep working.

"And five other folks paid me ahead of you."

"Well, I'm the mayor of this town and…"

"And ya sure ain't actin' like it, are ya?" Jake turned around to see Daniel Simon standing nearby.

"Ya stay outta this," Jake warned. Daniel and Sully's eyes met, and Jake moved toward Daniel. "Ya don't belong to this town, so ya don't have no say."

"I sure have a say when I see that folks ain't bein' treated right. Ya just calm down 'fore things get out of hand." Jake's cold eyes flashed with anger, and he stepped toward Daniel. Without thinking, Sully stepped between them, and a sneer spread over Jake's lips.

"Ya really wanna start somethin'?" Jake asked.

"I ain't the one startin' anything, Jake. Ya don't go away now, and I'll have to call a meetin' of the town council." The fact that Jake was still strutting around as mayor made him sick to his stomach.

"Ya can't call no meetin'. Ya ain't a member."

"I am," Robert E. replied. "And ya came at me directly, and I'll be sure to tell 'em so."

"They ain't gonna believe no n—" At that moment, he moved toward Robert E., and Sully stepped between them, pushing Jake back. "Get off me!" Jake seethed. Jake stumbled back into Daniel, and Jake tried to pull away.

"Ya need to calm down," Daniel insisted, holding Jake's arms at his sides. Jake struggled, but when Hank walked over, Jake managed to wriggle free.

"What's goin' on?" Hank asked.

"Your friend here is outta control," Daniel pointed out. Hank eyed Jake.

"He ain't been to the saloon today," he pointed out nonchalantly.

"He sure ain't drunk, but he needs to stop goin' after everybody that gets in his way. Where's the sheriff?" Daniel glanced around.

"Ain't got one," Hank said, puffing on his cigar. Daniel looked at Sully and Robert E. and shook his head.

"I'm takin' him off to the jail 'til he gets calmed down. Least there he won't hurt nobody." Eyebrows rose, Daniel hauled Jake off with impressive, surprising strength, and Hank did nothing.

"Looks like we might've found that sheriff we been lookin' for," Robert E. said, shaking his head. But, Sully's eyes searched Hank's eyes.

"What is it, Hank?" He braced himself for a personal attack, but instead, Hank tossed his cigar into the street and motioned for him to come over.

"I was lookin' for you anyway." Sully and Robert E. exchanged glances.

"I'll…I'll keep this stuff in the back for ya." Sully nodded to his friend and headed off toward Hank, irritated enough as it was.

"What's goin' on?"

"I just seen some older fella…looked like another doctor. He was leavin' the clinic. Is somethin' goin' on?" Sully tensed and shook his head.

"Things are just fine," he replied. "I gotta go see Michaela." Without another word, he walked off toward the clinic, and Hank skulked off to have a whiskey and another cigar.

Carrie stepped out onto the porch of the clinic for a breath of fresh air, and she was surprised to see Daniel leading somebody across town. Being unfamiliar with most of the townsfolk after having been cooped up in that clinic so much, she couldn't recognize the man right away. She had yet to see him in Colorado Springs.

"Daniel?" she asked. Both Daniel and the man walking with him looked over at her. At first, she only noticed the eyes of the man she loved, but when she glanced at his prisoner, her soul filled with a cold, painful confusion. Those eyes. Her breath caught, and she gripped the post rail.

"I'll be right there," Daniel promised, as he continued to haul Jake Slicker away.

"Who are you?" she whispered, watching with tear-filled eyes. Those eyes. Those painful eyes. "I know…I know who you are." She closed her eyes, but the eyes that haunted her nightmares remained burned in the back of her mind, staring at her with blank awareness. Did he recognize her? Did he care?

She turned quickly and fled back into the clinic, going up to her room with the hopes of forgetting what had just happened and how her past had just spilt open before her in a terrifying, silent mess.