This ended up a lot different than I expected! Toby had a lot of thoughts.
You guys are blowing me away with your reviews and support. Keep it up, please?! If anyone can find the Game of Thrones quote I used in this chapter they get a shout out next chapter! It's one of my favorite quotes in the world.
OKAAAY bed time :) Love yooou.
Chapter 4
"Toby?"
He groaned, his back aching from the position he was in. Where they hell were they?
"Hey," Spencer murmured from underneath him. "I literally have no idea why we're at Hanna's, but we have to get going. Your appointment is in an hour."
He nodded against her spine, where his head had ended up. It took a minute, but the previous night came back to him like a punch to the gut. Her tears... her desperate pleas... the way she fell asleep in his arms. It wasn't something he wouldn't soon forget. "You had a little too much to drink," he chuckled, forcing his voice into sounding normal. If she didn't remember last night he certainly wasn't going to remind her. "I brought you in here to calm you down, but I must have fallen asleep in the process."
She nodded, studying his face. "Are- um, are you alright?"
He brought a hand to the side of her head and firmly kissed her temple. "I love you for being so concerned with me, I really do. But I'm fine. I don't feel any differently than I did yesterday, and I swear to you that I'll let you know if that changes. How do you feel? Can I get you some water or Tylenol? You have got to be hungover."
"I'll snag something from Hanna when we go out there. We should probably apologize for stealing her bed last night." She grabbed his biceps and pulled herself up.
A small smile appeared on his tired face as he brushed his fingers through her hair. "I love you." He literally couldn't hold it back. He loved her, and if necessary he would spend every minute of the day telling her.
"I love you too," she whispered, leaning up for a kiss. When he was younger he didn't really understand the appeal of kissing. Swapping spit seemed like the most disgusting thing imaginable. But he could spend the rest of his life kissing Spencer.
"Hand check, kids! I'm coming in!"
They jumped apart at Hanna's voice. Spencer smoothed down her hair and he adjusted his shirt just as the bubbly blonde bounded into her bedroom. "Oh good, you're awake." She eyed their disheveled appearance with a smirk. "But apparently not all that decent."
"Shut up, Hanna," Spencer half groaned half laughed. "Thanks for letting us commandeer your room last night, by the way."
"No problem, Johnny Depp! But if you guys did the nasty you're totes coming back here and washing my sheets later." She mock glared at them. "But get out of here now. I can't risk your husband seeing my sexy bod and falling in love with me. I don't want to leave you all alone."
"Oh don't worry," Spencer laughed, grabbing Toby's hands and helping him up. "I'll just take Caleb."
Toby rolled his eyes. If an innocent bystander wasn't aware of how much they loved their respective significant others they would definitely believe that they were a bunch of swingers. "We need to get going."
"Oh, where? An adventure?" Hanna rifled through her closet, no doubt looking for the perfect outfit to wear.
"Um," Spencer looked at him, and he shrugged. He didn't care if Hanna knew, but maybe they should wait and tell everyone at once. Spencer bit down on her lip and turned back to Hanna. "He has a doctor's appointment," she said truthfully. "Decidedly not fun."
"Ah, well better me than you," she snagged her clothes and made to leave the room, pausing in the doorway. "There's a bottle of water and Tylenol on the counter for you, you drunk ass," she laughed and ducked into the hallway.
He just looked at Spencer. He could spend a lifetime looking at her thin frame and soft hair. He could spend his whole life making sure that she understood just how much she meant to him. She always had his back. She unrelentingly supported him, and that meant more now than it ever had. The news from the doctor would have sent any other woman running, but she was still here. She was still with him, and he had a feeling that there wasn't anything he could do to make her leave.
As soon as Hanna was gone he pulled himself to his feet and pulled Spencer into his arms. "Thank you," he breathed into her hair. His heart ached, because he needed her to know that. "Thank you so much."
"For what?"
She genuinely didn't know, and that made him all the more determined to remind her what she did and does for him. "I just- I don't know how I'd get through any of this without you," he admitted. He didn't try to apologize for his feelings, because he had a feeling sober Spencer would like that even less than drunk Spencer.
"You never have to find out," she said simply. But the simplicity didn't dull the absolute sincerity. He knew that Spencer loved him as much he loved her. He knew she did. Yet somehow it was indescribably comforting to be reminded of the fact.
She pulled away and framed his face with her hands. "I'll take care of everything, baby. Just let go and let me take the lead for awhile, okay? I swear, everything will be just fine."
He leaned into her, suddenly too emotional to support himself. How could she know his exact worries without him even having to speak him? How had he gotten so lucky to find someone that was willing to stand by him through this? Her arms tightened around him and lowered the two of them back onto the bed. "Everything will be fine. Everything will be okay. I love you so much, Toby. Hold onto that."
"I'm scared," he admitted in a voice so soft that he wasn't even sure was loud enough for her to hear. "I'm scared that I won't be able to beat this."
"That's understandable, baby," she murmured, gently pulling his head down to her shoulder. Her fingers ran through his hair. The motion wasn't much, but it sent his heart into his throat. He couldn't love her more if he tried. She brought her lips to his forehead. "This is a terrifying thing. You'd be an idiot if you weren't afraid. You just have to be brave, sweetheart."
"How can I be brave when I'm so scared?" He hated being vulnerable in front of her. He was supposed to be strong, he was supposed to take care of her. He certainly wasn't supposed to be falling apart in her arms.
She paused for a long time. "I think that's the only time that you can be brave. If you aren't scared than bravery isn't necessary."
It was simple, but it was profound. "I love you," he whispered into her neck. "I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I just- I love you, Spence."
"I am pretty lovable," she teased. There was still tension in her voice, but he knew that she had made the decision to be strong for him. And as much as he wished it hadn't been necessary he appreciated it all the same. "I love you too," she added, more seriously. The vulnerability seeped back into her voice at the declaration, but she quickly shook it off. "Are you alright to get going? If we don't leave now we're going to be late."
"Yeah. Do I look like I've been crying?" He pulled away so she could see him. While he didn't particularly mind if Hanna saw him emotional he didn't want to inspire any awkward line of questioning. He couldn't tell her first. He had to tell all of their friends at once.
"Your eyes just look a little bloodshot." She gently ran her thumb beneath each eye, wiping away the remains of his tears. "Just blame it on me. I really don't remember, but I've been told I'm an annoying drunk."
"I think you're cute," he laughed, helping her up off of the bed. He brushed her hair back and pressed a soft kiss to her temple. If he thanked her again they'd never get out of the room, but he couldn't let her go without showing her how much he appreciated her.
"You also think it's cute when I argue about what kind of salt to use in the cooking and sanitize the toilet before before using a public restroom," she argued, tightly grabbing his hand. She snagged the water and Tylenol with her free hand as they made to leave the apartment. "Thanks Han!"
"Bye!" The blonde called from somewhere down the hall.
As Spencer slid the keys out of his pocket, making it her intention to drive, and led him out of the apartment and into the truck he allowed his mind to wonder. Most of the time they took care of each other, but there had been a few times he had been forced to lean heavily on Spencer. He didn't know why he thought now would be any different.
He sat in the waiting room, vacantly staring at the white wall in front of him. He was alone. He was alone, and it was all his fault. He had alienated the two people that he loved the most in the world. Loneliness was all that he deserved.
It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to live with his mom. He loved her more than anything, but it wasn't healthy. She wasn't in a position to care for another human being. He thought- he thought that maybe if he gave her some space and went to live with his dad again that things would get better. He was wrong.
And Spencer? God, he didn't even remember what stupid thing they had fought over, but what he did know was that it hadn't been worth it. Nothing was worth losing her. But how did he begin to apologize? He meant it with everything in him, but he didn't know if he could fix it. He didn't know where to even start.
So he sat in the hard, hospital chair, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the chair. He glanced a few seats down at his father, sitting silent vigil over his ex-wife. Anyone with eyes could see that his father still loved his mother. Everyone loved his mom. They just- weren't right for each other. He hoped to God that didn't end up being him and Spencer.
The memory of finding his mother in the bathroom with her wrists bleeding was never going to leave him. Every time he closed his eyes crimson was all that he saw, and he was pretty sure that would never go away.
"Toby?"
His chest ached. He was pretty sure that his heart was literally breaking. It wasn't a figure of speech; not anymore. This was his reality, and maybe it was all that he deserved.
Soft fingers brushed over his cheek. He tried to flinch away from the contact, but the hands were as unrelenting as they were gentle. "Toby, look at me."
He blinked a few times, bringing his eyes back into focus. He'd recognize the mocha color of her eyes anywhere. "What are you doing here?" He whispered. He flinched at the harsh tone of his voice, but he couldn't make his vocal chords say anymore.
She didn't say anything. She nudged her way between his legs and pulled her head into her chest. "You should have called me," she breathed, her breath swirling through his hair, warming him. "You should have called me, Toby."
"I didn't think you'd want to come," he mumbled.
"Oh Toby," she lowered to her knees and framed his face with her trembling hands. "I'll always be there for you when you need me. Always."
A strangled sob ripped through his throat as the emotions he had been trying so hard to subdue finally broke through. He slid off of his chair and onto the ground, clutching Spencer for dear life; like if he let her go he would be lost. It wasn't much of a stretch. Without her he wouldn't know up from down, and he certainly wouldn't get through this.
"You ready, babe?"
He nodded. He wasn't ready at all, but he knew that he needed to do this. If he were going to have any chance of beating this he had to be aggressive, and he had to do whatever he could. So much of this would be out of his control, but he could do this.
Most of his time in the hospital was a blur of doctors, exams, and pricks of pain. Dr. Green wasn't lying when he said there'd be a lot of tests. The only one that really stood out to him was the shooting pain of the spinal tap. The look on Spencer's face at his pained gasp was almost as painful as the massive needle digging into his back. It was only after it was all over that he realized how tightly he was squeezing Spencer's hand. "Sorry," he muttered, releasing her hand.
To her credit, she didn't even flinch as she snagged his hand back. He knew it had hurt her, though. She shook her head and leaned forward to rest her forehead against his. "Just squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts, okay? Whatever you need."
He wasn't going to do that, but he couldn't deny that it did help to focus on the gentle pressure of her hand in his, the soft trail her fingers took down her forearm. Nothing was good about this moment, but she was the only thing that made it manageable.
After the completion of the horrendous spinal tap he only had an ultrasound and a wide panel of blood tests to endure before returning to Dr. Green's office.
"Mr. Cavanaugh, Mrs. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green greeted them as they walked back inside. "How did it go?"
Spencer looked at him, correctly gauging that he didn't want to talk. Somehow she always knew. She looked back at the doctor with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "It went as well as it could, I think."
"Okay, wonderful. Now, why don't the two of you grab some lunch in the cafeteria. I ordered a rush on your results, and should be able to give you the answers that I know you're wanting in an hour and a half or so."
Spencer was talking but he wasn't hearing anything. His ears were buzzing like he was alone in a silent room, only he wasn't alone and it wasn't silent. It was just too much. But he couldn't shut down completely. He had to keep fighting. It didn't matter that his limbs felt heavy and painful. It didn't matter that stabbing pains shot through his chest with every step. And it didn't matter he felt weaker than he ever had. He had to keep fighting for both himself and for Spencer. He had to get through this.
The only thing that stood out to him was Spencer's hand leading him through the hospital and into the cafeteria. She helped him down into a chair and gently put her hands on his face, nudging it upwards, requesting his attention.
Once his eyes met hers she smiled and leaned down to kiss him softly. "You wait here. What can I get for you?"
"I can get it myself, Spence. You can relax, because I'm sure you're still feeling that hangover."
He moved to get up, but she pushed him back down onto the chair. "Shut up," she sighed. "If you don't tell me what to get I'm going to wing it with something very vegetarian. Maybe some tofu."
He rolled his eyes. She was the most stubborn person he had ever met. "Maybe a burger?"
She nodded and turned her back on him, quickly making her way through the lunch line. He watched her walk away apprehensively. He couldn't help but worry about her whenever she was away from him. He knew that she would always be his priority. He would do whatever it took to make her happy, even if that was letting her take care of him for awhile.
It wasn't that long before she returned with a tray ladden down with bad hospital food. He grabbed the burger for himself and chewed silently. This was one of infinite meals they had and will share together, but it was colored by anxiety and apprehension over what they were about to learn.
They sat together in silence, simply chewing on their respective food. The quiet started out companionable, but after awhile it became unbearable. This wasn't the best time for him to be left alone with his own thoughts. "Do you remember when we went to your formal right before you graduated UPenn?"
A smile cracked through her serious facade. "I mean I don't remember it quite that way, since we never made it to the formal."
He laughed and shook his head. "It's your own fault for looking so irresistible."
She walked down the stairs like the start to any dance in every cheesy movie in the history of cinematography. It was the kind of scene he would always make fun of, but there was nothing cheesy about Spencer. Her deep blue dress danced along her mid-thigh, and her hair cascaded down her back in lose curls. She was stunning.
"How do I look?" She asked him nervously. She walked to him and put a hand to his chest, straightening his tie. "You look incredible," she offered.
"Y-you-" he stuttered embarrassingly. He couldn't make his mouth work. "Um, you-"
She smiled, leaning up to kiss him. "Is that a positive reaction?" She murmured against his lips.
He didn't bother to answer, drawing her in for another kiss. They were running late, but that seemed inconsequential now. What was another five minutes?
She leaned into the kiss, her hips pressed against his. Her teeth nipped at his lower lip as she pulled away. Her brown eyes looked up at him frown under her eyelashes, and he returned her lust-filled gaze. "Bedroom?" She whispered.
Once again, no words seemed necessary. He lifted her easily and started toward the stares. She giggled softly and wrapped her legs around his waist, her lips going to work on his neck. He opened her door, feeling like the luckiest guy in the world.
"Not sure I was the only irresistible one, Cavanaugh," she laughed. "You really know how to work a suit."
He rolled his eyes, polishing off his burger with no time to spare. "Mr. Cavanaugh?" A familiar nurse approached their table. "Dr. Green asked me to come find you. Your test results are ready."
He looked at Spencer. He felt like a child, but he couldn't even respond to this poor woman. When he got anxious he got quiet. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Spencer squeezed his hand encouragingly before helping him to his feet. Her silence told him that he was just as nervous as he was. But they were in this together. If this day had made anything clear it was that.
The hospital was large, but it unfortunately only took a moment to reach the doctor's office. He had been hoping he could live in an uninformed bliss for awhile longer. Once they were settled Dr. Green looked up from his notes. "Well, Mr. Cavanaugh... Toby... we've come to a diagnosis. Officially you have Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Do you know what that means?"
He didn't, but he wasn't surprised when Spencer answered for him. "It means that his white blood cells are underdeveloped, correct?"
Dr. Green nodded, giving her an impressed look. People were always impressed by his wife's intelligence, and that gave him an unending source of pride. "That's correct, Mrs. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green confirmed. "Our first step will be chemotherapy, as discussed. However, since your diagnosis is one of acute leukemia we're going to recommend that it be done as an inpatient procedure."
"What's the end goal?" Spencer immediately shot off, asking the important questions that he wouldn't have even thought to ask. "Is it to get rid of the cancer or something else?"
"You ask all the right questions, Mrs. Cavanaugh," Dr. Green praised. "The goal is to kill the leukemia cells. We want to get rid of the diseased cells, with the goal of hopefully getting him a bone marrow transplant. The chemotherapy won't be a cure for your type of leukemia, Mr. Cavanaugh."
His eyes were immediately back on Spencer. He just wasn't capable of speaking right now. Not if he wanted to keep his composure. He was scared as hell, but he wasn't in a place to admit that to Spencer twice in one day. The first time was embarrassing enough.
Spencer met his eyes briefly. "Just one more question. How long will he have to be in the hospital for?"
"It's hard to say, but the chemotherapy will continue for as long as the cancer isn't growing. For most patients a month or more of treatment will be necessary before the transplant."
"He'll have to be in the hospital the entire time?" This time she didn't take her eyes off of his face. Her hand found his, obviously seeing his need for comfort.
"Yes," the doctor admitted. "I know it's inconvenient, but it's really the best chance that he has."
Toby nodded to himself a few times, trying to bring himself enough composure to speak. "When do we start?" He whispered.
"As soon as possible. Three days would be idea. That gives you enough time to settle your affairs, yes?"
"Will Spencer-" He began, allowing his sentence to trail off. He wasn't even sure what he was asking.
"She'll be allowed to be with you ever step of the way if that's what the two of you want. We can get her a bed here and there are showers on every floor for spouse and parental overnight visitors."
He nodded, knowing that he really didn't have a choice. If this was his best chance of survival he would do it. "I'll-" he looked at Spencer. "We'll be here."