Chapter 53

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

Michaela's jaw clenched and unclenched quickly, and it slowly gaped open, as she stared at her mother in awe. Married? Her mother had been married before Josef Quinn?

"Mother? I…I…I don't understand," she responded slowly. "You…you were married before Father?"

"It was a very long time ago, Michaela. I was a different person then. I…I was very much like you." Her eyes couldn't meet her daughter's yet. "It was for a very short time, and…and our marriage ended for…for specific reasons."

"How specific?" Michaela asked. Elizabeth shook her head. She still couldn't bring herself to talk about it yet. "Mother?"

"The point is, my mother was right. My marriage to Stephen…it was cut short, and I…I was left in a very desperate situation." Elizabeth moved away. She took a deep breath.

"Your father…was very kind to me. He was…he was patient and gentle, and he never pushed me to do anything."

"What are you saying?"

"Josef was the man my mother wanted me to marry. I was desperately in love with Stephen, and…and I refused to do anything she asked me to. I married Stephen, and for that, she shut me out of her life. But, when it was all said and done, Josef offered to care for me, because I was left alone, and…and I didn't know what else to do or where to go. We had become friends, and…and I loved him that way. But, it wasn't until after we were married that I truly fell in love with him."

Michaela stared at her mother for the longest moment, trying to figure out some way to understand why her mother had lied to her for all of these years. Had she done it to protect her? Had she done it to avoid grief for the entire family? And her father. From as far back as she could remember, her father had acted as if Elizabeth was his one true love. Perhaps she was. But she had thought Elizabeth had loved no other man except for Josef. Now she realized that her parents' love for one another hadn't been what it had seemed.

"I can't believe this," she shivered. "What happened to Stephen, Mother?" Elizabeth shook her head, and she closed her eyes.

"This isn't easy for me, Michaela."

"And you think it is for me?" she wondered, her eyes filling with tears. "Mother, I can't believe…I can't believe you never told me."

"I was ashamed, Michaela! I was ashamed that I had made such a…a rash decision when I was younger."

"So you regret marrying the man you loved? Is that it?"

"No! No, of course I don't. I could never regret loving him."

"So why? Why is it so hard for you to accept the fact that I want to marry my one true love?" But Elizabeth was silent. "I can't believe you kept this from me."

"Michaela, some things are better left unsaid," Elizabeth whispered. "I never told you, because I didn't want you to feel that I loved your father less. We wanted to give you girls a good life."

"Perhaps…perhaps it would have been easier before, Mother. I feel like you've been lying to me for my entire life! I feel as if…" She thought of her own situation. "You didn't say anything, because you wanted to protect me. I can understand that. But…but waiting so long…"

"I tried to suppress it, Michaela. Thinking about it hurt too much."

"Did he leave you? Did he… Mother, what happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. I…I'm leaving."

"Leaving?"

"I'm going home, Michaela. I'm going home."

March 1830 – Boston

Elizabeth stood when the bedroom door opened, and the look on Josef Quinn's face told her everything. It was serious. But she asked anyway.

"How…how is he?" Josef glanced at Fiona, and she quickly left to busy herself. "Josef? You tell me exactly what's wrong with him. Don't spare me, please. I can handle whatever it is."

"Maybe you should sit down," Josef offered. Elizabeth shook her head and stood firm.

"I'm fine. Just tell me. What's wrong with my husband?" Josef fidgeted with his medical bag, unable to look her in the eye just yet, but he knew that he had to set his personal feelings aside and be strong.

"I'm afraid he's contracted Yellow Fever." The color immediately drained from Elizabeth's face, along with her hopes and dreams of the future.

"That's…that's curable, right?"

"In some cases," Josef pointed out. "I'm afraid your husband's condition is very serious, and…"

"How did he get it?" Elizabeth demanded, wringing her hands on her skirt.

"The most commonly believed reasons would be through the bite of a mosquito. It was very rare in America until…" A loud groan sounded in the bedroom, and Elizabeth startled. "Your husband has entered a second phase of the virus. It's what's commonly referred to as the toxic stage."

"Toxic!" Elizabeth asked, her eyes welling up with tears. "What…does that mean, exactly?"

"It means that his systems are shutting down, and he's not keeping anything down."

"He's…he's going to get better isn't he?" Elizabeth asked, stepping closer to Josef with all of the fear in the world in her eyes.

"There's no way of knowing," Josef said softly. "Only about fifty percent fully recover."

"And the other half?" she asked. "Be honest with me!" He tried to remain calm, but it hurt him to have to break such news to such a young wife.

"Most studies show that…that the other half succumbs to the illness within ten to fourteen days." She shook her head.

"No! There must be something! You must be able to do something! You're a doctor, for God's sakes, Josef! Do something!'

"I'm afraid…all we can do is make sure that he's…"

"No! No, don't give me that, Josef Quinn!" Her eyes were overflowing with tears now.

"I'm afraid that I've done all that I can for him. It is possible that he could pull through, but there's no way of knowing until…"

"Please. Please don't tell me that. Josef, that man in there…he is my husband! I love…I love him!" Josef wished to reach out and comfort her, but he knew that would be highly unprofessional. But, the way her shoulders shook with the news that she might lose her new husband made his heart go out to her.

"I'm terribly sorry, Elizabeth. I…"

"No," she cried. "I…I want to see him."

"Of course." Josef moved to step out of the way, but in an instant, Elizabeth put her hand to her forehead and swooned.

"Josef…I…I feel…" And she began to fall. He quickly reached out for her and caught her before she could hit the ground.

"Elizabeth!" Her head lolled back against the crook of his arm, and he quickly carried her down the hall, searching frantically for a guest room.

January 1871 – Colorado Springs

Olive stood at the back window watching Tommy shuffle around the streets like a lost dog. They'd parted silently, and now she couldn't stop watching him walk from place to place, getting acquainted with people, buying supplies, and finding out more about the town.

Her mind was still reeling from his arrival. It had been a shock to her heart. She had never expected to see him or their daughter again, and just knowing that she had been conversing with her own daughter for nearly two weeks now without knowing it sent chills down her spine. She wanted to go to her and tell her she was her mother, but she knew in her heart that it would only make things worse. She knew that they would both be better off not knowing about one another, but she also knew that this was a burden that she deserved to carry.

"Miss Olive?" Olive turned quickly and was shocked to see Carrie standing there with Daniel. There was a look of upset in her eyes, but she seemed to be handling whatever was wrong very well.

"Carrie," she said awkwardly. "It's nice to see ya feelin' good enough to be out."

"Yeah." She smiled a little. "I just came to pick up a few things."

"Oh. Yes." Olive eyed her, and Daniel noticed the hesitancy in her features.

"Somethin' wrong, Miss Olive?" She shook her head.

"No, no. You two go right ahead and look around." She exhaled sharply, and even though Daniel noticed, Carrie didn't seem to. Olive watched them walk around the store a little, and she noticed the way Daniel's arm was always close for Carrie to cling to if she needed to rest for a moment.

Guilt filled Olive's heart. She should have been the one to help her daughter after that surgery. She should have been the one to raise her. She shouldn't have given her child up for a man she couldn't possibly love as much as she had loved her.

She felt tears starting to fill her eyes, and she knew she couldn't let them see. So, she quickly brushed them away and busied herself in the back, dusting off tins and packages. She wished she didn't know. She wished Tommy wasn't there. She wished she didn't have to feel this heavy, sinking feeling every time she saw the child she gave up.

It was better this way…it was better that Carrie didn't know. She was slowly becoming happier, it seemed, and Daniel was the one that brought the smile to her face.

"How much are these, Miss Olive?" Carrie asked, holding up a box of candlesticks.

"Three cents a piece," Olive said with the most believable fake smile she could muster. Carrie nodded and picked up two from the box. She and Daniel were quiet shoppers, and Olive noticed the way Carrie squinted her eyes in concentration, and she realized that she did the same thing when she was focused on something.

Carrie looked so much like Tommy. It was difficult to see anybody else as her father, and Olive knew in her heart that she had done the right thing in letting Tommy raise her. Joe had been a good man, but he wasn't her father. He wouldn't have connected with her.

But, this young woman had been through so much in her short lifetime, and Olive felt responsible for that. Had she taken her away from the cattle drive...no. No. That was the past. She had been young and scared. She had wanted her baby, but she couldn't possibly understand a way to keep her in her life without wrecking everything else. She knew she had been a terrible mother, but the fact was that her choices had led her daughter to the place she was today. She was a strong woman. She had been through so much, but she was still standing.

"Miss Olive?" Olive turned around to see Daniel waiting with coins in his hands.

"Oh. Oh." She totaled up their purchases. "That'll a dollar and…twelve cents." Daniel counted out the change and paid her. He nodded his head, and Carrie smiled at her.

"Have a good day, Miss Olive," she said quietly, as they started back toward the clinic. Olive breathed a heavy sigh, one of burden and one of relief at the same time. She wrung her hands nervously together, as she watched her daughter…no. Carrie wasn't her daughter. She had given up the right to call herself a mother the day she left her newborn daughter in the care of a man who had barely had time to blink and he was a father.

She looked down and shook her head. It was over and done with now. There was nothing she could say or do to change what she had done. It was time to put the past behind her for good and move on. She only hoped Tommy would let that happen.

"Rebecca, it's time to go," Elizabeth hissed, as she stepped into the boarding house. Rebecca was grading a few essays, as she sat at a corner desk.

"Excuse me?" Rebecca asked, her head throbbing from concentrating on the poor penmanship of most of the students.

"We're leaving this instant!"

"Whatever for?" Rebecca wondered. "Mary is resting, and I have…"

"She can rest on the train. We are leaving."

"Mother! What's gotten into you?"

"I just…it's important that we leave now." Rebecca shook her head at her mother's whirlwind decision.

"What's brought this about?" She didn't dare hurry, because she already knew her decision.

"Michaela is a grown woman, and she's going to marry Mr. Sully."

"Yes?"

"There's nothing we can do about that."

"So you're giving them your blessing?" Elizabeth froze at the window, and she looked out, seeing Sully rushing toward the clinic after a very upset Michaela.

"I'm leaving, Rebecca," she pointed out, "because if I stay much longer, I'll have no choice but to give them my blessing." Rebecca furrowed her brows.

"Then…what's the problem, Mother?" She stood up and moved toward her.

"The problem is that I don't have the power to control my own daughter's happiness or her future. But, I have the power to control my own, and I need to leave this place immediately!"

"What's happened? Did you and Michaela quarrel?"

"Rebecca, come with me now."

"What has gotten into you!"

"I've told Michaela something," she said quietly. Rebecca looked over at her daughter's napping form, and she motioned for Elizabeth to follow her into the back room. Elizabeth did so with footsteps that felt as heavy as lead.

"I don't understand. What could you have told Michaela that would have upset her so?" They slowly sat down across from one another at a small table. Elizabeth reached out and gripped her daughter's hand, and Rebecca had never felt her mother's hands so cold except for that one day…that one hour from her childhood that she could barely recall.

"I've never told any of you about this…and I suppose it's fair that you know."

"What?"

"I told Michaela that…" She paused and took a deep breath, and Rebecca squeezed her hand. "I've told Michaela that before I married your father…I had another husband." Rebecca's eyes widened, and her gaze lowered.

"Oh, Mother," she whispered. "What happened to him?"

"Things happen for reasons we can't explain, Rebecca. The point is that your father and I ended up together. Perhaps it's the way things were meant to be."

"Mother, who was he? When?"

"His name was Stephen. It was a long time ago, and I only felt it was right to tell Michaela, because I didn't want her to make the same mistakes as I did. I loved Stephen, Rebecca. I won't lie about that. But, I ended up with the man that supported and loved me for the rest of his life and left me with more than enough to keep me more than comfortable for the rest of my life. I don't want Michaela to marry in haste and realize that she could have done better."

"I don't think she'd do that, Mother," Rebecca said, shaking her head. "Michaela loves Mr. Sully despite the fact that he can't provide everything someone like…like Landon, for example, could have." She took a deep breath, reeling from her mother's news. "Why are you leaving?"

"Because I don't wish to stay any longer!" Rebecca was taken aback at her mother's outburst. Her mother was normally quiet and reserved, despite her persistence to have things her way. Now…now it seemed as if she was tearing away the layers of Boston etiquette.

"I don't understand. Perhaps I never will, but Mother, I won't be going with you. Neither will Mary."

"I beg your pardon?"

"We're staying. I'm needed here, Mother, and I think Michaela needs me to. I wish you would stay." Elizabeth began to protest, but Rebecca stopped her, her temper much shorter than usual after such a long first day. "But if you feel it's best…perhaps it's best for all of us." Elizabeth, in turn, was surprised by Rebecca's words. She was actually choosing Colorado Springs over Boston? Elizabeth never figured she would see the day.

"You can't be serious."

"I am. I'm needed here, and Mary needs to be around family and friends."

"She can do that just as well in Boston!"

"I'm sorry, Mother! For once, I can't go with you. I have to stay where I'm needed and where I actually make a difference!" Rebecca was trembling, frightened of her own choice for only a moment. "I'm sorry, Mother. I won't be going with you, and that's final."

March 1835 – Boston

"Mother? Where are we going?" the young girl asked, with rosy cheeks and a bounce in her step. She glanced up at her mother's tall, swollen form. "Are we going to get the baby? You said he will be here soon!"

"I'm afraid it isn't that simple, sweetheart. I simply want to make a stop to visit an old friend."

"Who, Mother?"

"Oh, you don't know him, my dear. You could have, but…but…" Before the child could ask her mother what she was talking about, a beautiful butterfly caught her attention, and she let go of her hand for a moment. Elizabeth reached out, pulling her child back.

"You keep hold of my hand!" she scolded. The little girl looked up at her with fright. "I didn't bring you into this world just to lose you!" They were both frozen in place for only a moment, staring up and down at one another as if they were either both adults or both children.

"I'm sorry, Mother," she said softly. "I won't let go this time."

"No. No, I'm sorry. I'm just a bit nervous."

"Why, Mother?"

"I haven't seen this friend…in a very long time."

"How long?" The question brought tears to Elizabeth's eyes.

"Five years, sweetheart. Five very long years."

"I'm what?"

"I think you heard me," he said, his words quivering with worry for her and her alone. "You're pregnant."

Sully had spotted Michaela rushing across town, and as soon as he'd been able, he rushed across to meet her. She was rushing into the clinic, when he rounded the corner, and he saw her disappear inside.

He rushed into the clinic, knowing he was going to find her upset and hoping he could offer some comfort.

"Michaela?" He closed the door behind himself and heard her moving around in the side room. He swallowed hard and opened that door, seeing her sitting in a rocking chair, slumped over with her head in her hands. "What happened?"

"She's leaving, Sully." Michaela cried. "Mother's leaving."

"She…"

"She wants to go home."

"Why? Why now?" Sully asked quietly, moving across the room and kneeling down at her side. "What happened?"

"Mother told me…something that…that made me realize why she was so…so opposed to my marrying you." Sully felt his heart stop for a moment. Was she changing her mind? God, was he going to lose her now?

"What did she tell ya? C'mon. Talk to me. Look at me. I'm right here. I'm your best friend, remember? I'm the one ya can tell anything to." Michaela nodded, sniffling and taking a shaky breath. She closed her eyes and recounted the conversation in her mind.

"Mother was married once before. Before she married my father, she was married to another man." Sully sunk down onto the floor a little, and he trembled in realization. "She won't tell me what happened, but she said that she had made a rash decision…one that she didn't regret, but her first choice wasn't the one that lasted. Sully, that's…"

"That's why she don't want ya to marry me." He swallowed hard, as Michaela nodded.

"But, I don't think that's the case anymore, Sully. I think…I think she knows now. I think she knows that all I want is you and our family. I want…" She took his hand in hers, and she guided it to her flat stomach. "I want this, Sully. I think she knows that now."

"She knows?"

"Well…she doesn't know about…about…" She took a heavy breath. "I don't know how to tell her now. I don't know how to trust her."

"She's your ma."

"But she…she lied to me, Sully."

"Sure she did, but some folks…some folks have good reason." Michaela closed her eyes, and she shook her head. "Some folks think they got good reason, anyway. They think that lyin' will protect the ones they love."

"I want to tell Johnny." For a moment, Sully was confused.

"What?"

"I want us to tell him about the baby. I don't every want to lie to my children." His heart skipped a beat, and he took her hands in his, wondering if she was thinking clearly. "We can't hide him from the truth. We can't try to make ourselves look like something we're not. We have to be honest, Sully. We always have to be honest." And she was then reduced to tears, crying out her frustrations, as she sunk into Sully's arms for the second time that day. He knew not what to say or do, but he held her close and soothed her, hoping that their burdens would be lifted and for once, they could be completely happy.