Okay, I'm operating under what I said in Let's Go Back to the Start... that Toby was sick for a year. And as I had their anniversary happen just a few weeks after his death, I'm going to say that the last few chapters happened in early October. So then he will die NEXT early October. Hope that makes sense! The timelines WON'T fit together perfectly. I just can't do it because I hadn't planned on writing this when I wrote Let's Go Back to the Start. But yeah. Just go with it okay? hahaha. Would it really be a PLL based story if the timelines worked? And at least I'm admitting it!
Sidneote, who needs Spoby Christmas spoilers? Not me because even that stupid picture of them cuddling beneath the Christmas tree KILLED ME. I'M DEAD. MY HEART JUST EXPLODED.
Chapter 8
November
He was pissed. Not because he was still in the hospital. Not because he was sick and tired of constantly being sick and tired. No, he was pissed because he was going to be stuck in the hospital on his and Spencer's anniversary.
"Hey, are you alright?"
He smiled at his wife. She didn't need to see how upset he was. Because if she did she would do whatever she had to do to cheer him up. He scratched the tender skin around his arm IV. "I'm fine, Spence. I'm just- I don't know..."
"Tell me what you're thinking, sweetheart." She moved from her chair to the edge of his bed.
His hand gliding over the sheets and into hers. He carefully wound their fingers together. "I just- I don't want to be here today."
Different emotions passed over her face so quickly that he could quite grasp onto one. She scooted backwards and leaned against the pillows with him. Her head rested lightly on his shoulder, and she lifted their intertwined hand up in the air, playing with his fingers as she contemplated a response. "Not exactly the ideal anniversary venue, I know. But we're together, and I'm pretty sure that's the most important factor."
"I think the dentist or a library would be a better anniversary venue," he sighed, bringing their hands down and pressing his lips to the back of her hand.
She laughed and tilted her head over to kiss his neck. "Have I ever told you how much I love the dentist?"
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," he chuckled, carefully moving his IV arm to the side of her face, tilting her chin up so he had better access to her mouth. He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips before pulling away and touching his forehead to hers. "You always were a bit of a nerd."
"Shut up!" She mumbled, her eyes on his lips. She leaned up and kissed him quickly, pulling away before he even had time to respond. "There's just something really satisfying about being told you have no cavities. I don't know, it's like winning a competition against yourself."
He laughed harder at her explanation. "I always knew you were competitive, but really?"
"Shut up," she laughed again. She moved to get up as the nurse came in to check his vitals and change the cocktail of medications flowing through his IV, but he tightened his arm around her. The only way he was going to manage to keep his insanity intact today was if she stayed close. Because she was right. Their being together was definitely the most important thing. In the end, it was the only thing that mattered.
She laid back down, tucking herself into the space below his shoulder. She fit there perfectly, and honestly, if he had his way she wouldn't go anywhere else. "What do you want to do today?"
"What do you mean?" They would probably just lay around like they did every day. If he felt like being a pain in the ass they could go for a walk, but he was too weak to push his IV pole on his own. And he knew Spencer struggled with the heavy metal pole, so he didn't want to make her do that.
"Well," she mused, pulling his hand to her lips and pressing a kiss to each of the knuckles. "we might be stuck in this hospital room, but we can still celebrate our anniversary."
"I'm stuck in this hospital," he clarified. "you can leave anytime you want."
"I'm not going anywhere without you, baby." She smiled over at him. "I was thinking that I could maybe pick us up some decent food. If that's too much I'll hunt down the best soup this town has. And maybe I could pick up a couple movies from home or the Redbox."
He sighed and tucked his face into her hair. Surrounding himself with her scent was one of the only things that could make him feel better. "I just feel like I'm ruining your life, Spencer."
She sat up abruptly and took both of his hands, pulling him up along with her. Once he was steady she released his hands to frame his face. "I don't want to hear you talking like that ever again Toby. I would rather be here with you than anywhere with anyone else. Now, I'm going to go get that food, okay? Are you in the mood for anything special?"
And in that moment he wasn't sure that he had ever loved her more. "Maybe some pasta from that Italian place? And as for the movie, get whatever you want. Watching your reactions is always the best part." He leaned in to kiss her. "Thank you," he murmured.
She smiled at him, that special smile that only she could do. It was loving, happy, and sad all at the same time. "I'll be back in an hour. You try to get some rest, okay?" She stood up and leaned down to brush her nose across his. "I love you."
"Love you too," he whispered, genuinely starting to feel tired. The chemo was nearing completion, and he'd start his last round tomorrow. But for now he was doing pretty alright. As she turned to walk away he snagged her wrist. She turned back around and gave him a questioning stare. "Happy Anniversary," he murmured, pulling her down for another kiss.
She smiled and touched her forehead to his. "Happy anniversary, baby. I love you." She kissed the tip of his nose before pulling away and sliding through the door.
He watched her go with mixed feelings. He was happy she was leaving for awhile. She might be just getting them food, but she was getting out of this hell hole for awhile; which was something she hadn't done often in the past month. She showered down the hall, she ate food from the cafeteria, and she left only to go to class. And even then she made sure to have Caleb, Emily, or Hanna to stop by.
But honestly, having her there made everything easier. It was always easier when she was there. When she wasn't around the crushing magnitude of what he was experiencing weighed heavily on his shoulders. But when she was around it was like she took on a little bit of the weight for him. He didn't want to burden her with anything, but she took it on willingly. And it just made it easier to breath. It made it easier to see that maybe there was an end to all of this.
But what if there wasn't?
Two weeks in and the chemo was as bad as it had been. The nausea wouldn't stop. It literally felt like something was clawing its way through his stomach and reaching up through his body for his throat. Sometimes it was so bad he couldn't speak. All he could do was bend over his bucket and hope to God that the vomiting stopped soon.
It felt like a ball of fire was in his chest. Heat radiated throughout every limb of his body. It felt like he was being burned alive from the inside out. But if that weren't enough, for the first time in his life he felt weak. Even sitting up used more energy that he possess. He leaned back on his pillows and closed his eyes, praying for it all to be over soon.
He struggled to sit up as his stomach started to churn. His heart ached as her gentle arms wrapped around his waist and hauled him up. "You're alright," she whispered, gently rubbing his back. "Just get rid of it, okay? You'll feel better afterwards."
Eventually his stomach stopped heaving. Sweat poured down his forehead, and he collapsed onto her shoulder. "Spence-" he coughed.
"You're alright," she murmured. "I love you. I love you so much. You're alright." She slid back down on the sheets, pulling a blanket securely over him. "What can I get for you?"
"Just stay," he rasped. His sweaty forehead leaned against her bare shoulder. "Don't go." He was shaking from limb to limb, and the only thing that was allowing him to keep any kind of grip on reality was her arms around him, and her pacifying whispers in his ear. It didn't matter what she was saying. It just mattered that she was there. She was with him.
This was teaching him things. And the biggest thing he was learning was that he didn't want to die, but her certainly didn't want to live the rest of his life like this... too weak to sit up... confined to a hospital bed. That wasn't living. He also had learned the depths of his life for Spencer and vice versa. Because if she didn't really love him she wouldn't stay for this. She wouldn't perpetually be by his side. She wouldn't hold his hand as he cried. She wouldn't wipe away the sweat from his brow. She just wouldn't. But what would it do to her if this didn't turn out the way she wanted? What if he died?
"I'm back!" She sang as she walked into the room. She was either in a really great mood or putting on a front for his sake. Either way, he couldn't deny how much he appreciated it.
He smiled at her happy face. It was nice to see her in a good mood. "You're beautiful."
She laughed and set the bags on the table by his bed. "You're crazy," she gestured to the messy bun her hair was pulled up into and the large hoodie she had pulled over her thin frame. "I look like a college student that overslept for their 7 am class."
He held an arm out for her. She smiled and sat down on the edge of his bed, curling up against him. "No," he disagreed, his lips immediately finding her hair. "You're so beautiful."
She smiled and pressed her face into his neck. "You're kind of cold, baby. Do you need me to find you another blanket?"
"You're better than any blanket," he admitted. She was like a space heater.
"Do you want to eat?" She nudged away, but he put a heavy arm over her waist.
He shook his head. "Not yet. But- Can we talk about something a little hard?"
"Of course," she murmured, pulling herself up to a sitting position.
He reached to the bed controls and moved the mattress so that he could sit up too. "I know- I know this is maybe a little premature. I know that you aren't going to want to talk about it, but I have too."
"What is it?" She reached for his hand, nothing but concern coloring her face. That was nice, because in a minute she was going to be pissed.
He took in a deep breath. "I'm scared. I know I've said that, but I'm not scared for the reasons you might think. I'm so terrified of leaving you, Spencer. I don't want to die. I'm not ready for that, but if it happens that'll be it. I won't have to live with the repercussions. But you will, and I can't handle the thought of hurting you like that."
"You aren't going to die," she tried to sooth, but he wasn't having it.
He shook his head. "You don't know that. I feel like I'm dying right now, and this is all in the name of making me better. But what if it doesn't work? You heard Dr. Green. It doesn't work 50% of the time. And God knows I hope I'm one of the ones that make it, but I might not be, and-"
"Toby-" she tried to interject in a pained voice, but he cut her off.
"No, don't try to tell me I won't die. Don't do that because I might. I need to be prepared for that possibility. But if I'm honest with myself I'm more worried about you. Because I know if you d-died on me... I just- Please, Spence just..."
"What do you want me to say?" She interrupted harshly. Her hand was still in his, and her eyes were filled with tears. "What? That I'll be okay without you? That I'll be fine if you die? Because I won't be. I'll be devastated. I have no idea how I'll go on without you. You're- Damn it, Toby you're everything. And I can't lose you. I can't-" She cut herself off, her voice bordering on hysterical. A lone tear trailed down her cheek, quickly followed by one after another.
"No," he whispered in a broken voice. "No don't cry. I'm sorry." He leaned forward and kissed away the wetness. "Please don't cry."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell, I just-" She shook her head, leaning into him. "I don't-"
"No, I know," he told her. "I get it. I wouldn't want to think about this either, I just- we'll put it on pause, okay? Because I'm not going anywhere right now." He pulled back and looked down at her intently, still working on clearing the tears away. He hadn't meant to make her cry. He hated it when she cried, especially when it was his fault.
She nodded, leaning forward to rest her head on his shoulder. 'Just focus on getting better. We'll take this one step at a time."
He pressed his lips to her hair. He didn't know how long they stayed like that before she pulled away suddenly. "How about that food?"
"Sounds good to me." He couldn't stop the smile from appearing on his face as she pulled her lean frame up from the bed. She was so stunning, that even now she still took his breath away. And right there he promised himself that he would make this the best anniversary possible, all things considered.