It's all down hill from here :(. Next chapter will be another January one. And if you read LGBTTS you probably know what February and March will bring :).

You guys are seriously going to make me cry with your support. You're so wonderful.

SIDENOTE. I have a job interview in the nearest big city to me on Monday. And it's basically my dream job and I'm SO NERVOUS. Send me thoughts, prayers, or whatever you do, okay?! :) :) :)

And review. I have to be at my current job at FOUR AM tomorrow. The only thing that will make that okay will be your reviews!

Chapter 12

January

He rolled over and shared another lazy kiss with his wife. In the two weeks since Christmas life returned to the euphoric state that he had been in before the cancer had taken its toll on his body. His days were spent lounging around the house, cleaning, cooking, and watching Spencer work on her thesis. He didn't feel perfect, but he was on his way. The way she chewed on her lip and lightly tugged on a small strand of her hair was indescribably attractive.

He ran a gentle hand down the length of her body, coming to rest in the pronounced dip of her waist. He leaned in to kiss her again, this time with passion and purpose behind it.

"I already called Caleb," she breathed against his lips. "He'll come over in the morning to stay with you while I'm taking my final."

He didn't need a babysitter, but if it made her feel better he certainly wasn't going to fight with her. He kissed her again before settling down on the pillows. "I'm beat."

She nuzzled her face into his chest and laid an arm around his waist. "I love you," she mumbled tiredly.

It was difficult to find words to express what she meant to him. A simple I love you didn't feel like enough anymore. But it was all he had to give her. "I love you too, baby."

It didn't feel like morning. He didn't know how long he had been asleep, but it wasn't nearly long enough. At first he didn't know what woke him up, but the sudden, shooting pain in his chest solved that mystery quickly.

The month was bitterly cold, and the chill in the air wasn't helped by Spencer's insane need to sleep with a fan on high speed. It usually didn't bother him as long as she was happy, but right now it was cause for concern. Because he was absolutely positive the room was freezing, but he was burning up. He wiped away the sweet pooling on his forehead and carefully lifted Spencer's head from his chest and deposited it on a pillow.

Once he was certain that she was still asleep he pulled his trembling body from the bed and stumbled into the bathroom. He made it just in time, hugging the porcelain and emptying his stomach into the basin over and over again until nothing was left.

He nearly jumped out of his skin as he felt her cool hand against his hot neck. He hadn't heard her come in, but there was something inexplicably comforting about her presence. "Spence-"

He couldn't see her, but he felt her uncertainty. "I think I should call Dr. Green."

"No," he gasped, another bout of vomit temporarily halting his words. "No, please. I have an appointment on Tuesday. Can't we just live oblivious for a few more days?"

"Toby," she whispered, pushing his hair back and bringing his head to her chest. Usually he wouldn't have let her take on any of his weight, but the feel of her body against his was the only thing holding him together. She leaned against the bathtub and tightened her grip on him. "Is- Are you sure that's a good idea?" She asked him hesitantly with her face in his hair.

It was probably the worst idea he had ever had, but he was still going to do it. It was only two days. What was the worst that could happen? He nodded and turned his face into her chest, unwilling to see physical signs of her disappointment as he nodded. She would want him to go, he was sure of it.

They laid there together in silence, and it felt like forever but it also felt like no time at all. He awoke from his stupor at the soft beeping of Spencer's alarm clock. They still laid there for awhile, but he could tell by her steady breathing that she was awake. "Are you mad at me?"

"What? No! Why?" She put her hand on the side of his face, encouraging him to look up at her.

He shook his head. "I just- I know that you want me to go, but I'm- I'm just afraid. I'm scared it's back, and if I can wait two more days to find out that my life is going to be hell again? I'd rather take it, but- but I'll call Dr. Green right now if you want me too."

She shook her head. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just- if it gets worse promise me you'll call me? I don't care if I'm in the middle of my test, okay? Let me be there for you."

As soon as he nodded she squeezed him tightly before releasing him completely. "I need to go get dressed. Are you okay?"

He nodded again. "Don't worry about me, baby. Focus on school and then come back to me."

She looked reluctant, but eventually she nodded her head. It wasn't like she had any choice. If she were going to graduate on time she had to go take the test. She helped him back to bed before shuffling through her side of the closet. She pulled out a sweater and a pair of jeans, and just managed to get dressed before a soft rap came from the door. She looked down at him. "Do you want to stay here, or...?"

He shook his head and pulled himself up. "If Caleb's coming over I'm not going to be rude." As he got to his feet he stumbled a bit, but Spencer's arm around his waist steadied him. They walked together to the couch where she lowered him down. She moved to walk away, but he caught her elbow. "Spence-"

"Shh," she dropped a loving kiss to his forehead. "You don't have to say anything, okay? Just lean back? I'm going to talk to Caleb for a second and then I'll be right back."

Without waiting for him to answer she pulled away and gracefully walked into the kitchen. He could hear the tenor of her voice raising with every unintelligible word. She was more worried about him than she'd let on, and he already knew that. But to have it confirmed kind of made his heart break. He was already in pain, but knowing that he was upsetting his wife was probably the worst part.

"You can't let them talk to you like that," he said, his voice containing more of an edge than he meant. But it wasn't because he was mad at her, far from it. It was because he wished that he could destroy anyone who was rude to her. She deserved nothing but happiness.

She pushed away from him and turned so that her back was to him. "What am I supposed to do, Toby?" She murmured, her voice breaking over his name. "They're my parents. They've always been like this."

He quickly spun her around, feeling like the world's biggest bastard at the tears pooling on her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry." He leaned in and kissed the wetness away. "Don't cry, baby. It's okay."

Spencer was so tough, so strong, that breaking her in any way would nearly kill him. He never wanted to hurt her.

Before long she was back in front of him, and he had to work to neutralize his expression. She took both of his hands in hers and squatted in front of him. "Are you sure that you want me to go? I can call my professor, and-"

He leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers. "Go be brilliant, baby. I'll be here waiting for you." He eyed Caleb walking into the living room. "I mean unless I get tired of waiting. Then I might call Hanna."

Caleb rolled his eyes and plopped down at the end of the couch. "You're getting pretty brazen about your love affair with my girl, Cavanaugh. Although I guess I did just spend time with your wife in the kitchen," he laughed. "Speaking of that, get out of here Spencer! You're interrupting man time."

She rolled her eyes and looked like she wanted to say a lot more, but simply kissed him again and walked out the door. The second the lock clicked into place Caleb turned to him. "What's going on, man? You look constipated and I think Spencer's half a second away from a mental breakdown."

He didn't want to admit it to Spencer, but he had to tell someone before he lost his mind. He had to admit the thought that he could barely admit to himself, and who better to than his best friend? "I'm scared."

To Caleb's credit his expression didn't even falter. "Of what?"

"I feel terrible," he admitted. "Like the worst kind of flu. I've been puking all morning, I'm freezing, and I can't stop shaking."

"Are you sure that you don't just have the flu? You were in the hospital for awhile, and Emily's sick right now. You could have picked something up."

A small slice of hope twinged at his chest. Maybe he was right, but realistically he knew that it wasn't the case. It was too great a coincidence. And once that piece of hope was ripped away it was like it took a piece of his heart in the process. Everything he had been trying to repress came over him like an ocean wave. "I don't want to leave her, Caleb." Because that was his biggest worry. More than dying, more than the pain... it was leaving Spencer. Here, in front of the friend he was sure understood what he was feeling, he was able to admit what he hadn't been able to admit even to himself. One tear slid down his face quickly followed by more.

Because if Spencer died his life would be over. He didn't even know how to breath when she wasn't there. His early life had been saturated by a necessary independence, but somewhere along the line he became so dependent upon Spencer. Her happiness was his, her sadness was his. Losing her? It would be something he would never recover from, and he was terrified of hurting Spencer in that way.

"Hey," Caleb scooted closer and put a hand on his shoulder. "Even if it is back, there's no guarantee that you're going to die. You just have to fight, Toby. You'll have to fight harder than you ever have before."

"But-"

"But if you do die," Caleb continued, willing to have the conversation that Spencer always balked at. "If you do die I'll take care of her, okay? I'll make sure she's alright. Hanna and I will feed her, and we'll make her smile again."

"Chocolate chip pancakes," he said softly, looking at his hands. "I always make them for her as a joke when she's sick."

"Ah," he laughed, obviously trying to lighten the mood. "I'm more of a waffles and fruit guy myself."

He looked back up and into Caleb's eyes. The emotion he was feeling was reflected right back at him in his friend's. "Thank you, Caleb."

Caleb rolled his eyes, and tried to subtly brush a tear away. "Let's stop this girl talk and shoot each other." He tossed him a controller and leaned back on the pillows, ready to start the day that they had told Spencer they would be having.