Emily v. Shamy: Second Hearsay Argument
Emily knocked on Raj's door, a little late for their dinner and the worse for wear. Her slack jawed expression and slumped shoulders said more than words: She was spent. It had been a hell of day and her last client had taken the stuffing out of her. Her hands were still raw from the surgery-worth scrubbing she had to give them before handling her last customer.
"Good evening my auburn queen. Please come in, dinner is almost ready." Raj met his girlfriend with his typical sweet smile and alluring exotic eyes. He was a welcome sight for her weary eyes. The glass of white wine he was holding made him all the more appealing after Emily's terrible day. She grabbed the wine, swallowed it all with one glup and handed the empty glass to Raj to re-fill. She poured herself onto his couch and laid her head on the back. Raj handed her a new glass.
"Thank you Raj. I am looking forward to your dinner and lack of complaining. Jesus, what a day!"
"Take off those heels and have another glass of wine. Tell your cappuccino colored lover all about it." Raj handed her the glass of wine which she quickly gulped again. "Boy, it must have been a bad day."
"Oh, it was. I had your crazy friend pay me a visit today."
"Oh God, Howard? Did he have gastro-intestinal distress again? That Glogzilla knick name is really going stick…"
"No, not him thank god. I couldn't live through that again. I'm sorry but it takes everything I have not to make gurgle sounds when I see him. " Emily had a look of disgust on her face. Raj still found it adorable that what she found disgusting was drastically different from what Raj found disgusting. When she was grossed out, it had to be bad. Very bad.
"Gurgle away my princess. Come tell me your tale as I stir the sauce. The brie wrapped smoked pears are on the table. Coq au vin will be ready toot sweet, my sweet."
"You're the best. It's like Martha Stewart had a sexy love child with a Bollywood prince."
"Who says she didn't! Tell me, who visited you?"
"That lanky crazy guy… What's his first name, we met at the movies. Dr. Cooper."
Raj dropped his spoon, "OH god, Sheldon?!"
"Yes, Sheldon. But he insisted I call him Dr. Cooper. Said one of us had to be a real Doctor. I told him I was a real doctor, and he said he had two doctorates, so neener neener or some such witty retort."
Raj grabbed her hands and kissed them, "What was Sheldon doing there? Did he want to talk to you or something?" Raj was worried Sheldon would tell Emily how much he had been crooning over her. Sheldon was getting tired of hearing Raj's love poetry, his Emily mix tape, or the tumblr dedication page he had made for her. Sheldon couldn't possibly comprehend Raj's love for her.
"No, he was there as a client. But he didn't have an appointment. He just rushed in with a dermal emergency."
"Dermal emergency?"
"Oh yes, he gave my receptionist quite a hassle. He was just about to get kicked out by my nurse when I heard the commotion. That's why I was late. I told him I would see him after my last client. I didn't want a scene. Also he threatened to speak to AMA about my qualifications as a dermatologist seeing as I have tattoos." Emily stood up while cocking her head at her cooking companion, "its funny Raj how he knew where all my Tattoos were on my body."
Raj looked around for some excuse that would explain his boasting to his friends that he knew exactly where Emily's tattoos were and had explored every area therein, "THAT CAD! I hope he has not been sneaking peeks at your perfect form. I will slice him in two with my death sword of justice as I fling his entrails to the four corners of the earth…"
"No, Raj, I doubt Dr. Cooper,.. I mean Sheldon has seen where I have all my tattoos. Only one person in your social group has… And I am looking at the braggart now!"
Raj's color deepened as his thick sauce began bubbling in the pot, "Yes, well, I can't help that Sheldon is a terrible eavesdropper on our lurid conversations my red headed goddess… ummm.. More wine my dear?"
"Yes please, my swaggarty little loud mouth. Thanks."
"So, what was this dermal emergency? Was it those mole on his buttock? I think that was an excuse for him to finally get his pants down."
"Oh, no not that. But let me tell, he's getting his pants down. Let me tell the story... So, finally I see him. He has been sweating bullets for 15 minutes. The man has no patience."
"That's for sure. Sometimes he says the second hand was invented to mock him. Anyway, go on…"
"He made me wash my hands like a surgeon for 5 minutes in front of him before he would let me touch him! I think I only have one layer of dermas left!"
"I'm surprised he let you touch him at all; he's a hodge-podge of socially awkward idiosyncrasies. A Masala of quirks, so to speak." Raj was busily stirring his sauce and didn't notice Emily's signature "Pot calling the Kettle black" stare.
"I think I've meet a few other socially awkward ones lately, but never mind. Anyway, he is all nervous, wringing his hands and taking pictures of his neck with his phone. "
"His neck?"
"OH yes. He had a large violet hematoma on his neck. But I had to check his whole back and arms for other marks, just to make sure. He was convinced he was dying. He had WebMD up and was showing me all the potential diagnosis he had self-assessed."
"He is a paranoid hypochondriac and persistent. Basically the only thing medically wrong with Sheldon Cooper is that he is a pain the ass." Raj removed the sauce and went to the couch to hear the rest of the tale.
"For sure. Anyway, he has some moles, but nothing to worry about. He was freaking out over a subcutaneous ecchymosis."
"Oh god! What's that? Is he really sick?"
Emily started laughing, "That is what I told him he had, and he freaked out. Jumped up saying that the "diagnosis must be made accurately in order to assess any future malignant potential" and do I need do a biopsy? Do I need to get a second opinion? Should he call his mother? He said it was good thing he already bought his urn! Can he be knocked out for the procedure… Etc etc. Poor thing. I let him stew far too long…"
"What is it?"
"A hickey! A love bite! Your Sheldon Cooper has been getting frisky and his neck showed the battle scars of his latest make out session."
"LASTEST?"
"OH yes. I saw evidence of other hickeys, but he couldn't see those thank god! No wonder he didn't freak out earlier. Also, I saw some scratch marks that could only come one source. That boy is freaky, ay?"
"Freaky?! Sheldon only kissed Amy once and according to her it was for 12 seconds. Sheldon doesn't do freaky. Well, he does, but not with women."
"So he's gay."
"NO! I mean he is nothing… He doesn't believe in touching people let alone kissing and hickeys! I can't believe it! Are you sure?"
"That is what he said to me. Are you two guys questioning my medical degree, my schooling at Harvard, and my experience just to cover up the fact that your little playmate has finally grown up and found he likes girls?!"
"No! I don't question anything about your qualifications. It's just I can't imagine Sheldon kissing anyone!"
"Oh, he was doing more than kissing. When I finally told him what it was, he turned a brilliant shade of red. Never seen a person get Idiopathic craniofacial erythema who didn't have rosacea."
"Uh?"
"He blushed bad, dude!"
"I bet!" Raj leaned back on the counter, "I just can't believe it! Sheldon's getting it on! Wow!"
"Yeah, he jumped out of the chair, thanked me for my time, and rushed out like a bat outta hell. I heard him calling someone on the way out. Saying, "We need to talk about your activities last night", and some such thing. And then he was gone."
"Gone to get laid! That hypocrite!"
"Well, I don't know about that. Why is he a hypocrite?"
"He has done nothing but give all of us grief for years that we are lower life forms for wanting physical affection and the intoxicating touch of pale skinned goddesses, like you!" Raj brushed Emily hair off her face and smiled at her with grin that lit up his face.
"Charmer, go on!"
"He said he was above his baser urges and he only lived in the world of pure intellect. We were, how did he put it, "Mindless hormone driven apes." Yes, that was it."
"Well, he is the hormone driven ape now, let me tell you. Well, I think he is…All I know is he was into some pretty heavy kissing and nibbles. I would love to see the other person."
"Oh, you have. Amy!"
"Amy!? Of course, it has to be! I forget those two are an item."
"We all do, especially Sheldon. He treats her like dirt. It sickens me sometimes." Raj hated how Sheldon treated Amy. Amy deserved better than to hang around Sheldon hoping for any crumb of affection he would throw to her.
"Yeah, he is a jerk. You know, she was wearing some different clothes the last time I saw her. A turtle neck with a blouse. She almost looked like Howard, but god don't tell her that. Anyway, lots of layers for this weather."
"Well she always dresses like she is going to Nun convention. But i kind of like she has her own style. I can relate."
"Yep. Boy that girl will never get skin cancer the way she covers everything up!" Emily swelled with dermatological pride and glee for her new friend's budding sex life. " Good for her! She will finally get some! Or… He is cheating on her."
"I doubt it. He is crazy about her. He doesn't know it, but that boy has it bad. I know the face of a man in love."
"You do?" Emily sat up and looked interested.
"Yes, I have a picture of one, want to come see?" Raj rose from the couch and held out his hand for Emily.
"Sure this I have to see!" Raj took Emily to the mirror in his living room. He stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.
Pointing at the mirror to himself, "See, there is one right now." And he kissed her softly on the cheek.