Zack V. Shamy, Third Hearsay Argument

After a harrowing escape from Mrs. Wolowitz, Stuart was able to finally meet his friend at their favorite watering hole. It was dark bar with dimly lit stage in the back surrounded by a few tables. The regulars all had staked their claims on the few tables near the speakers. Stuart found Zack flipping through a song selection book and sipping on a light beer. It had been almost a month since Zack and Stuart had been able to meet up for another Karaoke night. The pair seemed the most unlikely of pals, but they have found a mutual love of all things Journey and they loved belting out the tunes to their adoring fans of bar flies and regulars. Also, Stuart loved to live vicariously through Zack's sexual exploits. Stuart's date for Prom did not go as well as he had hoped and his sex life was non-existent with Mrs. Wolowitz's ever watchful eye. While they are waiting for their duet song, "Don't Stop Believing," Zack said something interesting to Stuart that peaked his interest.

Zack leaned over and yelled at Stuart between the verses of "American Pie" by Don Mclean. Some tall mammoth of a guy named Bert was killing it. Stuart made a joke that the day the music died was when this monotone Bert guy decided to sing that song. Bert made some Geology joke, but Stuart was currently too busy listening to Zack to notice,"So dude, I ran into your ex last week with her new boyfriend."

"Who? The chick from the comic convention? I can't believe she left me for a guy in an Inyusha outfit. I mean come on! Guy's got ears, and tail, but so what!"

"No, dude. That cute brown haired girl. You know. What's her name… Annie… No… Amy?"

"Oh, Amy!"

"That's right! She was with that Sherman guy."

"Sheldon. Yeah, she's been with Sheldon for years now. They have the same relationship they had when they were friends. It's weird. He asked her to his girlfriend while we were on a date. He said nothing was going to change, what so ever, and she still said okay. Now that's rejection. Spent a lot of time on my therapist's couch for that little date, let me tell you! I mean come on, who does that? However, I don't think they even kiss yet!"

Zack laughed and guzzled down half his beer in one shot, "Oh dude, I think she's doing more than that, bro."

"What do you mean? Did you see them?" Stuart couldn't fathom Amy and Sheldon kissing, let alone anything more that Zack was implying. She made it clear when she dated him that all forms of physical contact were off the table. She did hug him good-bye though, but Stuart knew that was pity hug. Too bad he couldn't get pity sex in the deal, he thought. Stuart ordered two more beers and eagerly leaned in to Zack get all the details.

"Let me tell you my story. Oh, and it's got hot chick and lingerie, so you will like it."

"I like it already, what happened?"

"So I met this hot babe at the juice bar the other day when I was dropping off menus. Man, what a body! One of those hot, yoga bodies with those tight see through pants they sold a while back. I have to thank LULU lemon for those. Oh man, I mean you can see everything! Sometime they don't even wear underwear, ya know. HOT! Anyway. She's smokin', so, you know, I turned on the charm. I tell her I have my own business… I workout…" Zack stretched his arms out, but Stuart just rolled his eyes.

Stuart stopped Zack with this hand, "Wait, you work for your dad who owns a menu printing business, and you only workout to pick up on chicks at the gym. In fact, didn't you go to gay gym for years before you realized…."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what I did! AND anyway, Yoga chick doesn't know that. Besides, I have a naturally fit body, bro. Don't be a hater."

"Okay, sorry , go on…"

"Soo, Hot chick… And, oh yeah, she's digging me. She agrees to meet me for drinks after work, ya know she wants the D. So, cool. Some organic wine bar, or some hipster thing. I know she's down, but I got to sweeten the deal, ya now. Then, I have this great idea: I'll use the menus I printed with various sexual positions we can try. She can order me ala carte, or go for the 3 courses of Zack loving."

"You have menus of sex positions?" Stuart tilted his head in confusion. He couldn't believe that would work, but Zack had knack with the ladies that was hard to argue with.

"Oh yeah, it's the first thing I tried out on my dad's printer! Chick's dig it."

"WOW… okay." Stuart couldn't imagine that working on a woman, but he thought, what does he know. "So what happened?"

"This chick's sophisticated, ya know. I need to bring something to the table besides the menus and this side of beef." Zack rubbed his hand down his chest and raised his brows suggestively. The girls next to the table noticed him licking his lips and quickly walked away. Zack continued his story with less visual aids, "Anyway, I decide to go to the lingerie store to get sweet Yoga lady a little some some, ya know? I know the shop gal, Florence, I think... Did her once. Maybe twice. Anyway. She's down and gives me a discount."

"Wait, you slept with a girl who works in a lingerie store?"

"Yeah, she was freaky. Funny thing is though..." Zack leaned in a whispered to Stuart, "She only wears granny panties Anyway, she didn't have them on for long."

Stuart rolled his eyes and grabbed his beer, "Where's Amy in all this?"

"Who's Amy?"

"My ex! You said you ran into her…"

"Oh right, dude, sorry. Okay…So there I am looking over the teddies and such and in walks in Annie…."

"Amy"

"Right, Amy and that tall professor dude."

"Sheldon"

"Right, Shelly. So they are looking at garter belts and such. I can hear them talking about which one is better, easier to get off and all that. I am an expert, so I go over."

Stuart started to almost giggle. "I would have loved to see the look on Sheldon's face to be caught in a lingerie store. Did they remember you?"

"Oh yeah. For some reason, I don't think Shelly likes me very much."

"He doesn't like anyone, so don't feel special. But, why do you say that?"

"As soon as he saw me, he moved in front of Annie and turned beet red, like he was gonna hit me or something." Zack remembered something, "Oh Shit! That was gluteus maximus girl!"

"Gluteus maximus girl, what?"

"Dude, I just remembered! Oh man, that was like 4 years ago. That Shelly dude asked me to meet his friend to have coitus with her. I didn't know what coitus was, but hey, a chick is a chick, ya know! I tell them to meet me at the hipster bar. She shows up and says she wants to grab my gluteus maximus." Zack shook his head, "I can't believe I forgot that! Anyway, I was almost drunk by then anyway. She says never mind and leaves with him. He flashes me a V sign."

"V sign?"

"Yeah, like this..." Zack put his four fingers together and then tried to separate them. Stuart knew right away what he was doing.

"That the Vulcan sign." Stuart shook his head, "I can't believe he would ask you to have sexwith Amy... I wonder why? Oh damn Zack. He was jealous, for sure. He can get really weird about her. Sheldon is totally jealous of anyone who even talks to Amy."

"Who's Amy?"

Stuart shook his head again and took a much needed drink off his beer, "The girl we are talking about…The one with brown hair… His girlfriend!"

"Oh, yeah right… Cool. Anyway, yeah, he was freaking. All she said to me was Hoo, just like that night in the bar!"

"Who said who?"

"She did."

"Did what?"

"Say Hoo."

Stuart put his head in his hands, "Who are you talking about? Shelly, I mean Sheldon?"

"No, she said, 'Hoo'."

"Like she didn't know you?"

"No man, like an owl… HOO!"

"Oh, that's ... weird."

"I know right. Anyway, I'm like 'hey science dude, anymore blowing up the moon?'"

"Blowing up the moon?!"

"Long story. That Shelly dude, said, no.. And then he said something about Neanderthals and community college and he weeps for humanity. I don't get it. Anyway. I asked "what are you guys doing?" And she says shopping for lingerie. "

Stuart sat back in his chair and took a large swig off his beer, "Wow! I didn't think they did that kind of thing."

"Shopping?"

"No, sex. They aren't exactly a conventional couple."

"Well, we didn't talk politics. Besides, I think they are liberal based on the looks he was giving her, if you what I mean!"

"No, it's conventional, not conservative…Ya know, never mind. Get back to the story." Stuart shook his head. His head was getting a workout tonight.

"Okay, well I know when a man wants to get with girl and he was eyeing her like a Sunday roast."

"I can't even imagine."

Zack sat back, "I don't know, she kinda cute. I'd do her. I mean I'd love to see what under the hood, ya know. Besides, that Shelly, he was doing all the imagining. I gave him my sage advice on all things lingerie, you know, garters are great as long as the chick doesn't wear panties, then it a pain. He was all ears, man..."

"Why are they a pain?"

Now Zack rolled his eyes, "Think about it dude, common physics. You can't get off the panties without going over the straps of the garter belt. God, and people call me stupid."

Stuart nodded his head in acknowledgement, "Oh right. You have to undo the belts… Got it. Can't you just take off the belt instead?"

Zack let out a chuckle, "Funny, that's what Sherman asked."

"Sheldon."

"Right! So I told him it was hard to take off a garter belt. It's got a clasp like a bra, ya know. But I have a special technique."

Stuart was more than interested now. He leaned in to soak up all the advice he could, "What technique?"

"That's what he asked!" Zack held up his hand and put two fingers together with his thumb, " So you get your fingers like this you know, two fingers and your thumb. Then you snap them together, and wa la! Undone. " Zack let a loud snap echo through the bar. Bert, who was still singing American Pie gave the pair a dirty look.

"Woah, wait a minute...Sheldon asked you to show him that?"

"Oh, he did more than that! I asked the shop girl, you know, the one I banged... I asked her to come over so I could show him. He watched me undo her bra, in like 5 seconds, ya know. My new record." Zack smugly smiled and took another drink off the bottle.

"Awesome!" Stuart held up his hand to high five Zack, but Zack just shook his head.

"Well, not so awesome, he is quick study. He turned that Annie chick…"

"Amy."

"Right.. Her… That Shelly guy put his hands on her shoulders and then turned her around and unsnapped her bra in 3 seconds. Dude, he did it under like 50 layers of clothes, bro! He's a bra snapping god!"

Stuart nearly spit his beer across the table, "Sheldon? Sheldon Cooper?"

"Yeah, man Shelly! He was very happy, till he saw her face. She was not happy, dude. Not at all. "

"Oh my god, I bet she was pissed!"

"Dude, that chick is scary! Shelly went ghost white! She laid into him while trying to re snap her bra. She keeps them strapped up pretty tight in there, but man, she's stacked. You could tell when he lets the girls loose, ya know. Her back was all arched, and he was like swallowing hard, looking at her…"

"Really, no I don't know, she always hides her figure."

"Bro, don't let that wall flower act fool you. That girl is a savage. It's the shy ones that are the most freaky. This one time, I was at library and man…."

"Wait, go back. What did Sheldon do?"

"Oh man, he could barely get a word out. I think he swallowed his whole throat!" Zack started laughing, "Oh dude, that chick tore into him, something about being a massaging bastard."

Stuart looked completely confused until he realized what Zack was saying, "Misogynistic bastard?"

"Yep! That's it. He said something to her about needing the practice. She said they would talk about it later. He said something about oral discord and she blushed and went to pick out something. Then he slapped her on the ASS dude!"

"NO WAY!"

"WAY! All I heard was oral, and I gave him the elbow, and wink, ya know." Zack nudged Stuart with his elbow and raised his brows while he finished his beer.

"Yeah, but I seriously doubt..."

"Oh dude, there is no doubt. Those two are rabbits. She came back with a ton of stuff. He bought it all for her, saying sorry for his ungentlemanly ways or cotillion or something."

"Cotillion? I have no idea what that is."

"Yeah, some science thing. If it was about sex, I would know about it. Anyway. That dude's got it bad. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Every time she would look away, he was looking at her. That's love bro. Buying over 500 bucks worth of lingerie and looking a girl in the eyes; that's love."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Speaking of love, did you get with yoga girl."

"Oh yeah. She hated the menu idea. You just never know."

"Oh, so no sex huh?"

"Oh no, I did her. She just didn't like the menu idea… Man she was flexible. There was this one pose she did…."