Mary Cooper V. Shamy: Fourth Hearsay Argument

"Oh, Mrs. Cooper! What a pleasant surprise!" Leonard was not expecting his Skype alarm to go off at 6:45 AM on a Saturday, but whoever was on the other line must have had a good reason to wake someone up at that inhuman hour. Leonard didn't bother to put on his shirt or comb his hair before he answered. Once he saw Mary Cooper's smiling face, he quickly reached for Penny's night-gown to put it over his bare chest and preserve his modesty. He pushed up his glasses and took a Kush Kush off his inhaler.

"Well good mornin' sleepy head! Rough night I take it?" Mary Cooper's smirk did a lousy job hiding her giggles. "Looks like you and your fiancé are practicing a heck of lot for the wedding night, hon."

"Oh, no. I am just getting something over here… Nothing going on, ma'am." Leonard looked around the living room and tried to fix the camera angle away from the bedroom door, "Anyway… Well, I think… What can I do for you, Mrs. Cooper? Is Sheldon okay? I just talked to him yesterday, he seemed fine. Do you want to me get him across the hall? I am at Penny's right now. I just… came over to get… some sugar…"

"Oh honey, I'm sure you did get some sugar… Last night." Mary chuckled again, "No, dear, I aint callin on Shelly, I'm callin on you. I need the dirt on Shelly, and you know him better than one. Well, except that girl of his. But I can't call over to her house now knowing what I know, can I?"

"I'm sure you could Mrs. Cooper. What seems to be the problem?" Leonard reached over to grab his mug of cold tea from last night. He took a large swallow before Mary dropped the bomb.

"Shelly and her are knocking boots, and I need to know if I need to start knittin' for little Cooper kids."

Leonard spit out his cold tea across the room. "What?! No way! I don't even think Sheldon would know how, let alone… " Leonard looked at his friend's overly religious mother and curbed in his vocabulary. "Um.. I seriously doubt Sheldon? No way!"

"Oh honey, there is no doubt." Mary crossed her arms and shook her head. She was as sure of this as she was there was a heaven above.

Leonard narrowed his eyes at Mary Cooper in disbelief. Just as he was about to say something, a half-naked Penny came into the living room and stumbled to the coffee maker. Mary's eyes grew wide and then narrowed on Leonard. He moved the camera and raised his voice to Mary, but aimed his gaze at Penny, "TELL ME MRS. COOPER, why do you think Sheldon is having… relations.." Penny looked over to Leonard and mouthed, "Why is she calling?" Penny pointed to the clock but Leonard shrugged his shoulders and threw the nightgown to Penny while grabbing a blanket to cover his chest.

"Oh, he's doing more than having relations, honey. Those two are wilder than an acre of snakes. And from what I heard, my boy can ride the rough string. Now, before Amy starts sitting on a nest, we need to have a man to man talk with Shelly. That's where you come in."

Penny almost dropped the coffee pot as she yelled from the kitchen, "Holy crap on a cracker! You think Amy and Sheldon finally had sex?"

Mary yelled over the Skype, "Oh honey, from what I heard, I think this was not their first Rodeo."

Penny came over to Leonard and scooched him down the couch so she could see Mrs. Cooper, "Why do you think that? Did Sheldon say something?"

Mary smirked at Leonard, "I thought you just went to Penny's this mornin', dear?"

"Yes, well.. that might not be the case.. Mrs. Cooper… Sorry…"

"Lyin' honey, part of the 10 big no no's from our lord himself. You better watch out for that Penny. Never trust a man who can lie without flinching. I taught Shelly that."

"I know you did, Mrs. Cooper. Sheldon is a terrible liar."

Mary laughed, "Yeah, well, he twitches like a new born bird."

"Then why don't you just ask him about last night?"

"Oh no, honey, Shelly would never admit to his momma he was knocking boots. No, I heard them. The truth will be told whether that boys tells it or not."

Leonard pressed the bridge of his nose together and winced, "As much as I hate to think what you heard, how is that possible, Mrs. Cooper? You live in Texas! You can't hear what they are doing?"

Mary Cooper dropped her eyes down in an exasperated look, "Listen honey, there is this wonderful thing called the internet? I'm sure you've heard of it? I was on this Skype thing with Shelly. He forgot to hang up when Amy came a'callin."

Penny looked at Leonard, "That's right! Amy was over last night at Sheldon's! That was why he cancelled Vintage Game night! He was pretty cagey about what they were going to be doing."

Leonard looked at Penny and said, "Yeah, I mean, it was weird. He pushed me out and locked the door with the dead bolt! Do you think he really was…"

Penny looked concerned, "What happened last night?"

"Yes, Please… What exactly did you hear?" Leonard tried to shake the last few minutes of conversation out of his mind.

Mary took in a deep breath and sucked in her lips, "My little boy has grown up. I just can't wrap my head around what I heard. I knew him going to California would led him down a path of sin, but I never imagined him being so vocal about it."

"Oh God!"

"Yeah, there was a lot of that! I beg that boy to go to church with me, and the way he was taking the lord's name in vain while he was doing what he was doing…" Mary held on to her cross necklace while she mouthed a prayer above her head.

"Mrs. Cooper, please. I am sure you just mis-heard Sheldon. Maybe your speakers are getting old."

Mrs. Cooper dropped out of her prayer, and narrowed her eyes at Leonard, "I know what you are insinuating there, Leonard. I may be old, but I know what is sounds like when a woman is getting pleasured, believed me. The sounds that girl was making would make a whore blush. Or even you, Penny."

"Hey!" Penny covered herself more with her flimsy nightgown, "Well now I have to hear what happened.

"Okay, well, I heard Shelly go to the door and greet her. Then I saw a rush of them go by the screen. Shelly said something about not wanting to get dirty. Amy said, he was always careful before. I saw her sweater being thrown on the chair like a striptease..."

"Woah! Amy never takes off her sweater. What happened next?"

"I think they were in the kitchen or on the couch, i couldn't be sure... I could see that the camera was aimed at the bedroom, so I know they weren't in there."

"Sheldon doesn't let girls in his room."

"Well, he might should start. Damn sight better than where he was doing his business. Of course, anything if better than a 1974 Dodge pick-up, let me tell you. Anyhow. I heard him ask her if she wanted to go first, and she said no, he does it better. Then I heard all kinds of commotion. Then I heard him say to spread it open."

"Oh my god!"

"Watch that use of the lord's name, honey, but yes. They Shelly was all sultry like, "How's that, Amy?" And Amy said, ooh, that's good, spread it more, go deeper, please."

Leonard's eyes were wide and his hand was on his mouth. Penny was just as shocked, but her gaping mouth could catch flies. They didn't know what was more shocking, what was being said, or who was saying it.

"A few minutes later, I heard all kind of stuff coming off my computer. I thought it was attacked again by one of them immoral virus things ya know. Like the ones that make you sign up for free estimates on carpet cleaning, and before you know it, you are getting cunnilingus lessons from some burly man named Igor from Russia or something."

Penny almost spit out her coffee when Mary Cooper said cunnilingus. Mary continued, "I don't know what they are doing in Russia, but they sure know how to clean a carpet. Anyhow, back to Shelly…" Mary continued, "Then I heard slapping sounds and Amy saying hit it harder. I heard that sweet mousy little girl yell at my Shelly, "Slap it harder Cooper, like I told you to!" All my sweet Shelly said, "as you wish, but this will be over too quickly if I do it wrong." Amy said, "oh , you're doing it right, Sheldon, so right."

"No way! Holy sweet je…" Penny stopped quickly when she saw Mary Cooper glare at her, "Wow, just wow."

Leonard shook his head, "Mrs. Cooper, there is no way Sheldon would be doing that with Amy. I am telling you, he get squeamish licking a stamp. There is no way he could pleasure… "Leonard looked at who he was talking to and changed his tone, "…he could do that. You must have heard something else."

Penny nodded in agreement, "Yeah, Mary. I mean Sheldon is well…. Sheldon. He doesn't like anyone touching him let alone… what you saying."

"Listen you two, I know what the sound of 'carpet cleaning' sounds like and I sure the hell know what the sound of man gettin' pleasured by a woman sounds like. Lord knows some days it was the only way to shut ol George Cooper up when he came in drunk and frisky at 3:30 in the morning. The next thing I heard was a distinct sound that could only be described as a man getting his private parts polished. That girls must have some fast strong hands, given what I heard coming over that speaker."

Leonard held his hands to his ears, "Mrs. Cooper, you don't need to go blow by blow here."

"No dear, that came next. Amy says to him, "I just want to lick the tip. My sweet innocent little boy said next, I will never forget. He said to her, "No you won't. You will lick all, Amy, like I told you to do. Don't let a drop out of your mouth. I don't want Leonard to know what we are doing here. Oh that's good. So good Amy. Take it all in."

Penny started rubbing her flush neck and Leonard buried his head in his hands. Penny squealed, "Oh my god, Sheldon! Ride em' cowboy!"

Mary shook her head, "Well, something was getting' rode that night, let me tell you. Then Amy says, she can't take anymore and Sheldon says, fine, he'll put it in then. Amy said it was too hot, but Shelly says, "cause you didn't let me stick it in longer. If you let me decide, it would be perfect. Then I heard some hubbub, then he says let's move to the living room. Then I saw them rush past the screen. Then she says to him she brought a special outfit. He says "let me see it". She says, "Turn around and I will put it on." Then he says, I've seen you naked, what's the big deal?""

"He really said that?"

"Yes! Why is that so shocking?! Haven't you been listenin' to a word I've been sayin, hon?"

"Oh, believe me, I can't forget a word you said, nor will I be able to for a long time. I just can't believe he has seen Amy naked. I mean, we had a makeup Prom, and he freaked out over seeing her in dress!"

"Maybe he been used to seeing her out of a dress, sweet heart. Sounds to me, my Shelly and Amy are seasoned pros at this. There was nothin' shy about Shelly that night."

"What happened next, Mrs. Cooper?"

"Well, then Amy says to him, "Fine. I hear her grunting then she says, what do you think? I think she was putting on some kind of sex outfit, ya know. Like the ones with ties on the side that the man can just pull open with his teeth. And the crotch part is open, so he don't need to take it off. You know what I mean, Penny."

"Yes, Mrs. Cooper, I do. But how to you know?"

"I had three kids, honey and none of them were immaculate conceptions, let me tell you. Anyway. Then Amy says to him. "Do you want me to bend over this, and he says, "yes, and bend down so I can see it all or it doesn't count."

"No way!

"Oh yes. I can't believe it was my boy talkin' like that. His voice was deep and husky. I had never heard him like that. I should hope I never will. I mean, for a mother to hear her son take a woman like that. I mean from I heard, he had bent over and he driving in her like he was steering a bull in a pen. I heard more slapping sounds and I thought I heard a whip. Soon I heard loud grunting sounds. Then he was counting, 35, 36 37, 38… Like he was counting the thrusts he bore in her. Then he was like this" Mary let out such erotic, yet loud grunts, Penny and Leonard could just look at each in disbelief Mary moaned, "ooh, ug … ohh … ug… oh oh oh oh… uh oh uh oh uh…"

"We get it, Mrs. Cooper. Then what?"

"Then Shelly let out a yelp, but it wasn't a good one. Amy said to him, "Let me try this". All I heard from Shelly after that was, "oh god. Oh yes. Just like that. Don't stop. Your hands, Amy.. Oh, you are a something or other." I couldn't hear much after that. They both let out a moan and I heard more slapping sound like bodies hitting leather."

Penny and Leonard looked at each other with dismay. Mary continued, "I heard him say, "God, you are perfect Amy. I would never do this with anyone else and I never will. Then I heard him kiss her and tell her he loves her."

"Ohh, that's sweet, Mary!"

"It is. My boy is so in love. But still..." Mary Cooper was calm as cucumber, but wore a worried scowl over her face. She spoke softly, "Now, here is the part that worries me; what they said next."

"What did they say?"

"Shelly said, "You'll never tell them, right Amy?" And she said, "Never Sheldon, no matter what." Now, does that sound like something he would talk to his mother about? I mean, I never thought my Shelly would have a friend, let alone girlfriend. I met the girl. I love her to pieces. She is perfect for my Shelly. Just enough like him, but able to learn, ya know. Not so stuck in her ways like he is. She even called over her getting recipes and such and we had a nice chat. She is crazy for that boy... I hope that Shelly marries her, but you know how he thinks. That boy.. I love him, but he is most irreverent, smart mouth, patient inducing sweetest little honey pot a mother could be blessed with. He is sinnin' and has no intention of making her an honest woman. He don't believe in the sanctity of marriage. If he is pushed on it, he'll bolt. No doubt. But the way you California types play out there fast and loose with the rules of life, that girl is going be poppin out a soccer team."

"Oh god, you think he'll get her pregnant?"

"If he hasn't already. I don't know her moral stance, ya know. She better be Christian and not Jewish like your other little friend. They aren't related are they?"

"Howard? No, Mrs. Cooper. Not at all."

"Good. If she was Jewish, Shelly's father would be rollin in his grave. I do know she's a California native, which means she got one foot in Sodom and one in Gomorra. He needs to use protection or marry her. Preferably both. Now, as his best friend, you need to have the talk with him." Mary lowered her tone and stared at Leonard with determined eyes.

"Mrs. Cooper, I have talked to him."

"Yeah, we got him a book!"

"Well I hate to think what kind of book he's been reading given what I heard. Probably that 50 Shades of Gray."

"How do you know what 50 Shades of Gray is, Mrs. Cooper?"

"Never mind that. Shelly needs the talk about how a man and woman get together AFTER they are married, under the eyes of god. How it works when mommies and daddies make babies. You know!"

Leonard slumped his shoulders over his new assignment like a pupil getting extra homework, "But I have tried to talk to him, Mrs. Cooper! Every time I mention anything to do with sex, he freaks out and leaves or looks like a deer in head lights."

"Well, I told you how to hunt, boy. You need to approach the game from the side, don't go head on like some city slicker. Penny, you know what I am sayin?"

"I do, Mrs. Cooper. We have to trap him."

"Oh yeah, like a rabbit in the ticket. Get those two in the act, and then he can't deny it. THEN confront him on the protection thing. I will give you a week. Then I am comin' out and will deal with this immoral mess myself. Oh, and Penny?"

"Yes, Mary?"

"You might want to plan for a double wedding. Ever think about getting married on the coast? Like say the Gulf of Mexico?"

Penny rolled her eyes, "Oh Sweet Jesus!"

"Let's hope he hears ya, hon." Mary clasped her hands together, "Let's pray…Our Lord Father, we need you now to show our Shelly the right path back to you lovin arms…"

Leonard and Penny looked at each other while their head bowed and Mary Cooper continued her 7 minute prayer. Penny let out one more, "Oh lordy", before Mary Cooper said, "Amen. Talk to you all next week. And Penny, Don't forget what I said about the cow and milk, honey. Don't be a broke dairy farmer, hon. Good bye!"

A/N: Do you guys have any ideas about who could over hear Shamy sexy time next? I would love to hear your ideas! Thanks again for all the support for this fan fic and my others. I really appreciate all the reviews and follows. It means a lot and shows me that you like my stuff. I feel like Sally Field at the Oscars, "you like me! you really like me!" Anyway, thanks to all you guys for reading this crazy story. If you have an idea, or would like to write your own, tell me so I can link to it.