Kripke, Bert and Mrs. Davis Vs. Shamy; Fifth Hearsay Test

"Hewo wovwy wadies! How are we doing this fine evening?" Barry Kripke was turning on the charm for three uninterested ladies at the punch bowl. It had been a dull evening so far and the Kripke radar for desperate ladies was hitting a wall. He only came to this interdepartmental mixer sponsored by the Cal-Tech science department to pick up women. So far there were slim pickings.

He scanned the crowd for potential victims like a shark sniffing for blood. There was Leslie Winkle of course, but he had hit that one trick pony hard and she had yet to come back begging for more. There was Alex, Cooper's assistant, a choice bit of meat if ever Kripke saw one. The three complaints to HR crushed those dreams. Then there were the gaggle of English professors gathered near the far table. However most of that lot were over the age of 60 and Kripke had to save his dalliance with the older ladies for fund raisers. He looked through the crowd but the only available women were the scores of young naive undergrads. Those pigeons were just waiting for a brilliant professor such as Barry Kripke to take them under his wing and show them his own 'super collider'.

Unfortunately he was under scrutiny from the ever watchful eye of Mrs. Davis, the HR representative who had already advised him to stay away from anyone who looked under the age of 25. Kripke could ill afford another lecture on sexual harassment. He had long since passed Howard Wolowitz's record of the most complaints for sexual harassment in the Science department.

As he continued to scan the crowd he found a new victim: A fetching brunette whose round ample backside was just waiting for someone to smack. Her back was turned to him, but he could tell she was all woman. He mumbled to himself, "Who's that wovwey wady with all the junk in the twunk?"

"Oh that's Amy Farrah Fowler. Cute huh?"

Kripke looked up to see a giant of a man standing next to him. The large man with pale features, light hair and lumbering limbs was standing far too close in Kripke's personal space. However his deep gentle calm voice seemed in contrast to his towering stature.

Kripke stepped back and looked again over to the woman he was just ogling, "What do you mean? That's Amy?" Amy didn't have on her usual attire for the evening. She had her hair up in a loose bun and was wearing a rather fetching dress sans cardigan.

"Yep, Dr. Amy… She's cute. I had a big crush on her, but turns out, she's a lesbian."

Kripke laughed at his new drinking companion, "A Wesbian? Weawy? I think you are misinformed, pal. That's Cwooper's girl. I didn't wecognize her in that dwess. Wowee. She wooks gweat."

"I am not misinformed. I was told by her friends, Howard Wolowitz and Raj…"

"Wet me cut you off there pal. What's your name?"

"Bert, from Geology."

"Well, Bert from geology, Those woosers wie wike a dog on a wug. Not only is she not a wesbian, she is a fweak, wet me tell you. I know this personally." Kripke downed his drink and refilled his glass for the 4th time. His new friend Bert looked crest fallen as he stared longingly at Amy's direction.

"What do you mean, personally? Have you dated her?"

"ME? No way. I wish! Fwom what I heard, she wikes it wough and wikes to give it just as hard. That's all Cwooper there, pal… Couldn't get cwose if I twied. She has him wapped awound her wittle finger. I think he wikes it though."

Bert slumped, "Howard and Raj told me she likes girls. They told me she had big crush on a girl named Penny and those two did all kinds of fweaky, I mean freaky things. They talked about it the whole way to the Santa Monica Rock show with me. I don't believe they would lied to me. Not cool to say they did man." Bert towered over Barry and growled.

Barry gulped, "Sowy man, it's twue. And, well, given what I heard, you couldn't handle that girl anyway. She is a sex addict. Cwooper told me all kinds of things they did and she never lets up. He was so distwacted, he puts out some cwap work, and fwom him, that's a big deal. She makes him do her at least 5 times a week! She woves wingerie and sex toys. He said he did this one thing with a wocket. I mean, oh my god, I thought I was a fweak…" Just as Kripke was about to explain the rocket technique Mrs. Davis came up to the pair.

"Dr. Kripke I certainly hope you are conversing in a manner that is appropriate for a work environment." Mrs. Davis scowled at Kripke but Bert was oblivious. He answered before Kripke could open his mouth.

"Oh yes Mrs. Davis. Kripke was just about to tell me how Amy likes rockets."

"Shh you idiot!" Kripke snapped at Bert but the damage was done.

"Amy? You mean Dr. Fowler? What do you mean she likes rockets? Like space rockets? She's in Neurobiology."

"No, like toy rockets. Kripke is trying to convince me that she and Dr. Cooper use toy rockets in the bedroom and she…"

Mrs. Davis cut off Bert with her hand, "Bert that is completely inappropriate conversation for work!" Mrs. Davis leaned in however and whispered, "You mean she is dating Dr. Cooper?"

Kripke answered, "Yes. For fower years."

Mrs. David took a swift drink and shook her head, "I had no idea. I mean, Dr. Cooper? I didn't think he liked girls."

Both Kripke and Bert looked at Mrs. Davis with shock, "No! I mean I didn't think he liked anyone, men or women, let alone have a girlfriend for years. "

"Oh he likes them alright. Well, her anyway."

Mrs. Davis looked over at Amy who was laughing with some people from the English Department, "She must be a saint…"

Bert added flatly, "Still think she is a lesbian."

"Dude get over it. She's not…." Kripke looked back at Mrs. Davis, "He told me all about his sexploits with Dr. Fowler."

"Well, I hardly think that is appropriate for work, Dr. Kripke."

"Cwooper started it. He said his sex with Dr. Fowler was fwequent, intense, and whimsically inventive. Hand to god!"

Mrs. Davis looked over at Dr. Cooper across the room and tried to suppress a coy grin forming on the side of her mouth. "Really, he said that?"

"Oh, yeah. Those two are bunny wabbits, wet me tell ya."

Mrs. Davis was still in shock to keep her role as HR director. She couldn't fathom the same Dr. Cooper who she had counseled on numerous times on the inappropriate nature of his off-handed remarks could be a steady relationship with a woman for four years. She had to hear more, "I mean I've had him in my office. He seems too naive and childlike. Although…"

"Yes…." Kripke asked with baited breath.

Mrs. Davis added, "Lately his assistant Alex has been telling me some tales…"

Kripke and Bert leaned in, "Weawy? Wike what exactwy?"

"I really shouldn't say…" Mrs. Davis sipped her drink and looked away.

"Still think she is a lesbian."

It was Mrs Davis turn to snap, "Oh get over it Bert! I mean if that's who Dr. Cooper has been really doing things with she is anything but."

"Like what did Alex say?" Kripke cocked his head to Mrs. Davis waiting for the much anticipated gossip. She couldn't hold back anymore.

She couldn't resist any longer. She had to tell someone, "Okay, but don't say anything!"

Bert and Kripke looked at each other and held up three fingers, "Okay! Scouts honor!"

Mrs. Davis leaned in giddy like a school girl who had such tantalizing gossip, she couldn't hold it in, "Well, Alex told me she tried to go to work one day, but when she approached Dr. Cooper's door it was locked. She knocked, but all she heard was some shuffling around. Soon a sweaty Cooper comes to the door, but only a crack. He tells her to take the day off and he will see her tomorrow. She came to see me worried she would lose her healthcare if she didn't have enough billing hours."

"Whoa, at work! What a fweak!"

Mrs. Davis leaned in further and looked around to make sure no one heard, "She also said that Dr. Cooper has been very cagey about his phone, smiling over every text he gets and hiding his phone from her when she comes over. He's also has been asking her inappropriate questions concerning a woman's…. Flexibility."

Kripke licked his lips, "Oh weawy, I like where this is going. What did he ask her?"

"How far a woman can bend over, lift her leg, if their breast's get in the way. Completely inappropriate. I had to give him another lecture over the comments. He said it was all for scientific research for a joint project he was doing with biology."

"I bet it's a joint project… Oh man, he's a savage!"

Mrs. Davis added with a low tone, " He even tried to get Alex to buy lingerie!"

Kripke held up his glass in agreement, "I knew he woved wingerie! But he said it doesn't stay on for long. He doesn't like it to get all sweaty when they smash their swim suit parts together."

Mrs. Davis choked on her drink, "Swim suit parts? I have to have a talk with that man again. I am going to have clear my schedule. Oh boy…"

Bert looked confused, "Come to think of it… I've seen him sweaty lately too. He has been very cagey around the basement. We store some core samples from near San Andreas fault down there. I was down there the other day, and he was going down there with a bag of something. I think it was a box from a pharmacy because it said CVS on the side. I asked him what was in the bag and he hid it in his jacket and told me to mind my own bees wax. Then he gave me a dirty look and left."

Kripke was loving it, "He's bwinging condoms to work! And doing it in the basement? Oh man, I have to ask him about that!"

Mrs. Davis whispered again, "That goes with what I know too. Apparently every day Dr. Cooper leaves his office at around at the same time and comes back all sweaty. The other day I saw him in the basement too, and he was fastening up his pants while he was leaving a room…"

"What? I hate to be gross, but maybe he was having some alone time… You know…" Bert raised his brows suggestively at Mrs. Davis but she just scrunched her nose.

"Besides how could he have the stamina given what I know! What a fweak!"

Mrs. Davis nodded and continued, "Well, I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was doing exercises. I believed him but told him to use the university gym instead. He said it doesn't work his inner thighs like he needs."

"I bet he is working his inner thighs. Oh man! I wove this guy!"

Mrs. Davis looked concerned, "I didn't question it. Now, I don't know." Mrs. Davis looked over to Amy who now had Sheldon by her side. "Now that I think about it, I saw Dr. Fowler that same day. She seemed disheaved, and out of breath."

Mrs. Davis squinted to see what Amy was doing with Sheldon. Amy looked up to him and smiled, but Sheldon looked bored and whispered something to her. He raised his brows at her suggestively and Amy blushed and looked away. Mrs. Davis was seeing Dr. Cooper in a whole new light.

"Wewl, wet me tell you. I've been to his apartment with his girlfwiend. We were fwilming an episode of Fwun with Fwags."

"What's fun with flags?" Bert looked completely interested.

"I'll send you a wink. It's an internet show on fwags. Anyway, I was doing a segment for them. I cwushed it, answerd evwything. He made some comment about checking the wecording to her unwike she did for Fworth of Juwy and she snapped at him. He seemed to wike her snapping at him by the way."

"Really? Dr. Cooper liked someone telling him what to do?"

"Oh yes, when she wooked away he smiled at her. Either he wikes it or he was owgwing her caboose."

"I can get behind that!" Bert raised his glass to Mrs. Davis who death stare froze him.

"Take it down a notch, Bert."

"Sorry…"

"Anyway, I think he's awl tawk till she gets him behind cwosed doors." Kripke nudged Bert in his side but it only hit his stomach which Bert held as if he had been stabbed with a sword. Kripke just rolled his eyes and continued, "Anyway, Amy said she had to wecord over the thing from the other night. He wooked cwestfallen and bwushed at the same time. She told him not to wowy, they have other night's wecorded and winked him."

"Are you implying that Dr. Cooper is making sex tapes? Are you sure? I mean, come on! Dr. Sheldon Cooper?" Mrs. Davis thought about it for second. "Although…"

"Although…?"

"He does like to take his pants off a lot. I am still getting calls over that Chancellor's award ceremony a couple years ago. What a nightmare." Mrs. Davis held her head, She was now getting the phantom head ache pain she got every time Dr. Sheldon Cooper name is mentioned.

"That was hystewical! Hweriwous."

"For you! I had to deal with complaints from all the Asian staff members. Do you have any idea how long that took? Weeks!"

"I don't think he is very nice to geologists. One time at paint ball he said we weren't real scientists. My colleagues and I littered him with bullets. Jerk."

"Well, he can be jerk. But when he is with Dr. Fower he is different. I don't know. It's weird. When she went in the other woom I asked him, "so Cwooper, wecording your kinky sexy time huh? He said, yeah, something like that, and I have never seen him smile so bwoadly… I told him to send me a copy and he almost choked on his water. That guys a fweak, I'll tell ya."

Bert's shoulders drooped , "So, she's not a lesbian?"

Both Kripke and Mrs. Davis shouted , "NO!"

"Which means she is available!"

Kripke and Mrs. Davis looked at each other and shook their heads, "Have you been listening to the same conversation Bert!? She is with Dr. Cooper. And from what I just heard, happily so!"

"Not for long!" Bert strolled over to Amy and Sheldon with a confident stride.

"This is not going to end well. Cwooper is a jealous fweak about her."

"I better call security." Mrs. Davis was about to call security when she saw Bert chatting up a nervous Amy. Amy said something to Bert and it made him look down and away.

"Dr. Fowler looks totally uncomfortable around him."

"Wouldn't you be? I mean that guy's a six foot fower marshmallow who can't take a hint. Cwooper will stwaighten him out."

As if on cue Sheldon moved closer to Amy and put his arm around her waist. She looked up at him and blushed but Sheldon was too busy talking to Bert. Within a minute Bert slouched away, looking like a wounded animal. Dragging his feet on the floor he made his way back to a gawking Mrs. Davis and Kripke.

"What happened? Did he threaten you?"

"No, not really. I don't know… He said something about meeting me on the field of battle to settle the score once and for all. He also told me what I can do with my rock samples but I don't think they will fit."

"Told you he was jealous fweak. You're lwucky you got out alwive, Bert."

Bert shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah, I guess. He said something Texan to me, which I didn't catch and he also said something about lesser minds and not worthy of her presence, but it was more what she said. She is so in love with him there's no way…"

"Really? I thought they were just sex addicts? Like fwiends with major benefits?"

Bert let out a sigh, "Nah she's crazy over him. She said she was sorry but her heart was already taken by another so perfect for her that was as if she found the other part of her soul. Then Cooper added, 'she is the better part I might add'. Then he added all those things about my rock samples and stuff. She told him to play nice and he got quiet and mumbled he was sorry to her. Those two are made for each other. Oh well."

"Isn't that sweet!" Mrs. Davis looked over at Sheldon who was still beaming at Amy. However, Kripke ruined the moment:

"Yeah, and waiter, he is going to show her his wocket again! Damn, Cwooper!"

A/N:

I would love to know what you think. I think Mrs. Davis is a little out of character here, but I think it is hilarious that she can't help but gossip about Shamy. That is kind of the point of the story: No one can help talk about the Shamy. But what do you guy think? And who should be next?

Also, please forgive my Kripkeism, It is hard to write in his voice, but I think this is pretty good.

Thanks to ShAMy4evr for the help with this chapter. SHe really helped all the edits for Kripke's voice and I think she did a fantastic job. Much better than what I had.

NOw. who's next? wah wah wah!