Chapter 62

February 1871 – Colorado Springs

"Sully," Michaela begged. "Tell me…" He couldn't directly look her in the eye for a few moments, because his dream continued to play through his mind. He felt the steel of the gun beneath his fingers. He felt the trigger and could feel it bend under his touch. He felt the bullet release from the barrel and strike her. He could still feel their lives draining away like her blood onto the floorboards.

"Michaela," he began, taking her hand in his and finally looking her in the eyes. She could feel his trembling fingers slipping through hers, and her heart began to break. She shook her head.

"No! No! It can't be. It can't…" Tears began to stream down her face, flooding the room with sorrowful wails.

"Michaela…Michaela, shh," he soothed. "Don't cry. Don't worry. It's alright." He brought her hand to his lips and gently kissed her knuckles. "You're alright. The baby…the baby…" She shook her head.

"What happened? Why…"

"Ya started bleedin'. That's when ya passed out, and…and…" Michaela's hand slipped from his and pressed against her stomach, as her heart continued to shatter into millions of tiny, devastated pieces. She searched his eyes for answers, and when she saw a flicker of something else in his eyes, she felt her heart slowly begin to mend.

"Sully…"

"Charlotte stopped it. The baby's all right, Michaela. Everything's alright." Michaela let out a sigh that shook her body to the core. She closed her eyes, feeling the pressure pounding against her temples.

The color had drained from her face, and Sully thought of his nightmare. He began to shake again, and he stood up, walking away from the bed.

"Sully?" He didn't answer her. "Sully, what is it?" She brushed her own tears away and waited for his reply.

"This is my fault." Michaela shook her head.

"I don't understand. Sully, how could this be your fault? I…I'm the one that should have been resting. I'm the one responsible for nourishing this child and keeping it safe. I didn't rest as much as I should have…"

"That ain't it," Sully said quietly. His mind reeled, and his heart told him he had to tell her the truth. Keeping it inside was only hurting him more, and his hurting could only cause her to hurt more. "I had…I had this dream." Michaela's breathing began to calm, but she immediately thought of the haunting nightmares Sully used to have about Abagail and the children dying.

"Oh, Sully…why didn't you tell me?"

"It was just last night. I wanted to forget about it, but…now I'm wonderin' if maybe…maybe it's tellin' me somethin'." Michaela watched him pace in front of the balcony doors.

"Tell me," she said softly. He shook his head stiffly, second-guessing himself.

"Ya got enough to worry about. I…I shouldn't have said anything." She gripped his hand and squeezed it insistently.

"It's too late for that," she whispered. "Tell me. I don't want you to ever feel as if you need to keep something from me. Sully, we're in this together. I need you to tell me." He turned back to her, seeing her cheeks still stained from tears and her eyes still red from crying so hard. He couldn't believe she was actually sitting there, concerned about his dreams when she had just been through something so terrible.

"Michaela, ya need to rest."

"I will, but you need to talk to me, Sully. I don't want you to have to think about this alone…I want you to be able to tell me." Sully slowly settled into the chair beside Michaela's bed, and he took her hands in his.

"It ain't easy."

"Take your time. I'm not going anywhere." She placed his hand upon her belly, and he had to force himself not to pull back in fear of hurting them both. But, her fingers wrapped around his, and he took a shaky breath before continuing on.

"We were comin' down the stairs at the clinic. We were happy, and ya were tellin' me to be careful with ya. You were pregnant, and I was just…I was careless. And when we got downstairs…a gunshot went off. And we fell to the floor. And when I looked up…" His voice faltered, and Michaela squeezed his hands, her eyes watering over again.

"Sully…"

"It was me, alright? I looked up, and I was holdin' the gun." Michaela swallowed hard, and she gathered her thoughts. "Don't ya see, Michaela?"

"See what?"

"That dream…it was tellin' me somethin'. It was tellin' me that you're gonna be hurt 'cause of me." Michaela shook her head.

"That doesn't mean anything, Sully. You…you could never hurt me."

"Oh no? If ya hadn't come across town with me today…"

"That was my own doing, Sully! This isn't because of you. It was a nightmare. That's all. Don't worry…"

"Don't worry? Michaela…what about when you had them nightmares? What about the one I had for nearly ten years? That wasn't nothin'. Not at all. I can't let myself cause ya to hurt."

"You won't!" she insisted. "As long as you're here, you aren't hurting me. What hurts the most is when you're not here." She squeezed his hands. "Please…please don't think anything of this. You won't hurt me. You won't do anything to harm this child. I know your heart, Sully. You could never hurt us."

"What if it happens? What if I can't control it?" Michaela closed her eyes for a minute, and she let out a slow breath.

"A long time ago, we decided that whatever happens, we'll face it together. This isn't going to be easy, but we're going to make it work."

"Dr. Mike?" Horace cautiously stepped into the clinic, searching for the lady doctor. He held an urgent telegram in his hands, but he wasn't certain of where to find her. But, when he heard something upstairs, he figured she was tidying up one of the recovery rooms.

Slowly, he crept up the stairs, hoping he wasn't about to disturb her with a patient, and just as he reached the half-open door, he stopped at the sound of voices.

"Sully, did Charlotte wire for Dr. Bernard?"

"Yep. She said she was gonna do that and then meet the children at Grace's for lunch. She should be back real soon."

"Good. I…I don't know what we would have done without her. Had she not been here to stop the bleeding, we may have…we may have lost our baby." Horace's eyes widened at the words, and he placed his hand over his mouth, slowly backtracking his way down the hallway. But, the urgent telegram pressed between his thumb and forefinger reminded him that he wasn't just an eavesdropper. He was there with a mission.

Clearing his throat, he tapped on the half open door.

"Dr. Mike? You in there? It's me, Horace." He heard a brief silence, before Michaela cleared her throat and spoke up.

"Yes, Horace. In here," she called. Horace cautiously stepped into the room, trying to act as if he knew nothing more than he'd known two minutes ago. He saw Sully sitting at Michaela's bedside, trying not to look worried or anything else of the sort.

"You…you ok, Dr. Mike?" He saw her hesitate, but she nodded her head.

"Yes, Horace. I'm alright. What…what brings you by?" Horace looked down at the piece of paper that trembled in his hand.

"Uh…telegram for ya…straight from Boston." Michaela raised an eyebrow.

"Boston?"

"Yep. It was marked urgent, so I figured you'd wanna take it now." Michaela slowly reached out and took the paper from Horace. Sully watched her read the news slowly to herself, her eyes trying to pick up the words that her mind wasn't focused on enough to fully grasp.

"What's it say?" Sully asked, as Horace glanced between the two, wondering if he had actually heard what he'd thought he had out in the hallway.

"It's from Marjorie," Michaela said tiredly. "She says that Mother refuses to see people…she's…she's still staying in her room and refusing to come out unless she feels like it." She shook her head and closed her eyes. "I wish I could see her. She should never have left." When Sully looked up at Horace, the telegraph operator realized that he was no longer needed, so he put an end to his over-stayed welcome.

"I best be getting back to the depot."

"Thanks for bringin' this by," Sully said quietly. Horace nodded nervously and slowly slipped out of the room, shutting in the secret but carrying it with him still. He knew it wasn't his place to say anything. It wasn't his business at all, but what would the rest of the folks say if they knew that the new lady doctor was pregnant with Sully's child…and they weren't even married yet?

Slowly, he made his way down the back stairs, the thoughts weighing heavily on his mind. But, before he reached the bottom step, Charlotte came walking in and saw Horace.

"Horace," she said with a smile, "what brings you by here?"

"I…had somethin' for Dr. Mike," he replied. "She…she got a telegram from back home."

"Oh," Charlotte said with a smile. "I'm sure she's happy to hear back."

"Yeah," Horace said quietly, looking mildly distracted. Charlotte eyed him, seeing the way his eyes darted about, avoiding her gaze.

"Horace?"

"Hmm?"

"Somethin' wrong?"

"No, Ma'am," he said quietly, shaking his head. "I got a lot of work to get back to."

"Well, alright," Charlotte said quietly. "You…you were up there just now?" He nodded his head. "Dr. Mike doin' ok?"

"She seemed fine. What…what's wrong with her?" Horace asked before immediately reprimanding himself for asking. Charlotte noticed this, and she held her breath for a moment.

"She's just fine," Charlotte said slowly. "Just needs a little rest is all."

"Oh. Alright. I best be goin'," he said, pushing himself through the narrow passage Charlotte had made by blocking his way. Before he reached the door, she called out to him.

"Horace?"

"Ma'am?"

"Dr. Mike's done an awful lot of good for this town already. It'd be a shame for folks to start…talkin' when they don't know what they're actually talkin' about." Horace swallowed hard and tried not to let on that he knew. "Ya understand?"

"Yes Ma'am." Horace quickly started off toward the door, and Charlotte watched him, wondering if he truly knew or not. She couldn't be certain, so she figured that she would keep it to herself for now. She didn't figure that alarming Michaela at this point would be good for her or the baby.

October 1831 – Boston

Fiona slowly carried the sleeping babe out into the hallway, as Elizabeth continued to scream out in pain. The pain had hit her quickly after the young boy's birth, and Dr. Miller had insisted—after a quick examination and a healthy prognosis—that Fiona take the child out to Josef.

"What's going on in there?" Josef asked frantically. With wide eyes, the young woman responded.

"The doctor says it's twins!" Fiona said with exasperation. "I feel as if I should stay." Josef's eyes darted toward the double doors, but he shook his head.

"Twins?" His head began to spin, he was unable to comprehend exactly what that meant at that precise moment, and he shook his head. "No, no. You mustn't put your life on hold for us any longer. You will leave tonight. We'll be fine, Fiona. Just fine." Elizabeth cried out again, and the nervous new husband and father strained to keep himself from going to her.

"I should get back to her." Fiona looked down at the baby in her arms. "Your son, Dr. Quinn. Would you like to hold him?" Josef's heart skipped a beat. His son.

"Yes. Yes, I would like that very much." Fiona gently handed the child over to him, and Josef held him as if he would break. He had delivered and held so many babies in his young career, but this child was different. This was his child. It didn't matter that it wasn't by blood. He was responsible for this child. "Hello there." He smiled down at the sleeping baby. "Look at you. You look just like your mother. You do. I can already tell you have her eyes. You're a beautiful boy." He held him up closer to him. "Stephen would be proud. He'd be so proud to have a son like you."

Josef's knees began to shake, and he slowly sat down, holding his new son close. "I'll be your father, if that's alright. I'll take care of you and love you as if you were my very own." He kissed the crown of the boy's head, and he smoothed back the soft brown hair.

Elizabeth's screams from inside the bedroom were followed by another scream that sounded identical to his son's. He held his breath, waiting for word from Fiona or from Dr. Miller. Tears filled his eyes at the thought that he was a father. He was a father in every sense of the word that counted.

"I'll be a good father, little one. I promise. I won't let you down. I won't let your mother down. We'll be happy. I'll make sure of that." He kissed the boy's forehead, and he stood slowly, moving over to the balcony in the hall. He smiled a little, holding the boy carefully against his chest. He stepped out onto the ledge and looked up at the night sky. "I'll teach you everything there is to know about the sky. See that? That star right there? That's the North Star. It's…it's the most important star. It'll guide you home when you've lost your way." He smiled a little when the boy grunted. "Well, that's what they say anyway. I haven't yet had the opportunity to lose my way, but when I do, I'll tell you if it works."

Just then, the doors opened again, and Fiona stepped out with another bundle in her arms.

"Congratulations, Dr. Quinn. You…you have a daughter."

February 1871 – Boston

Elizabeth had retreated back to her room after Fiona had left, and now she was alone again. The sound of the ticking clock had lulled her into a peaceful slumber, but dreams of her past had come back to startle her from her peace.

She held the ring in the palm of her hands and remembered every excruciating detail of that night. She'd been in and out of consciousness well into the next morning, and when she'd finally been able to see her babies, she felt as if she'd already lost so much time with them. There was never enough time.

She felt fresh tears slip down her cheeks, but she brushed them away quickly. She moved back to the chest at the foot of her bed and pulled out the smaller box. When she opened it up, she retrieved the birth certificates and sighed softly.

"Forty years…" In just a few months, forty years will have passed by. In just one month, forty years will have passed since Stephen's life slipped from this earth, leaving Elizabeth to fall in love with a man she had sworn she would never marry just to spite her mother. It hadn't taken her long to fall in love with him. It had been a different kind of love than her love for Stephen, but it counted in every way.

She closed her eyes, feeling the past coming back again, and she welcomed it this time, reliving the days when love was new, and her family had just begun to grow. Forty years…she could hardly believe it. And the thought of that made her body sink into the chair. She was growing older, and she didn't have much time left, and she could feel it. Suddenly her life's many regrets began to weigh down upon her, and she felt as if she couldn't breathe. Her past was that dark shadow in the corner, warning her that if she didn't make amends, her future would be uncertain. She had so much to do and not enough time, but was it worth upsetting her children just for one moment of satisfaction before she left this life to join the two men she'd promised to spend eternity with?

February 1871 – Colorado Springs

"What's on your mind?" Kid Cole finally asked, as he and Ruth left Grace's Café and started toward the boarding house.

"Hmm?"

"Ain't you been payin' attention to a word I've been sayin'?" Ruth smiled sheepishly, and Kid Cole shook his head before giving her a peck upon the cheek. "What's the matter, darlin'?"

"It's nothin'," she said quietly, pulling her shawl tightly around her shoulders.

"Keepin' things in ain't always the best way to…"

"Oh you be quiet. My sayin' that to you when you got somethin' on your mind never works, so what makes ya think it'll work for me?" Kid Cole laughed at his wife's logic. When she was right, she sure was right!

"Well, if ya wanna talk about it…" Ruth sighed heavily.

"I'm just worried about the lady doctor."

"Why's that?"

"Well, when she got to feelin' poorly…when we were waitin' for ya to come out of the church… and when Mr. Sully carried her off, he said she just needed to rest…well, somethin' just didn't sit right with me."

"Maybe she's under the weather. It ain't that uncommon."

"Somethin' tells me there's more."

"Oh here we go again," Kid Cole teased. "You're always harpin' about there bein' more to somethin'…"

"Ain't I usually right?" She had a point.

"I think a little rest could do us some good. Let's go have a quick nap 'fore we look around town." Ruth knew he was trying to take her mind off of it. She knew he only wanted her to be happy, so she figured she could humor him for a little while, but that couldn't stop her from worrying that there was more than met the eye about Dr. Quinn.

"Olive? You in here?" Fixing her hair upstairs, Olive heard the surprising voice of Tommy echo up from down below. What was he doing there? Why was he suddenly coming around?

"Just…just a minute," she hollered down. She quickly finished re-pinning her hair, silently cursing the fact that working in a store all day and all night on a cattle drive did nothing for a woman's need to look nice once in a while.

Finally, she descended the stairs to see Tommy standing there with his hands wringing the rim of his hat like usual.

"What can I do for ya, Tommy?" she asked.

"Well, I was wonderin' if…" Olive's eyes searched his, and for a moment, she feared—or was it that she looked forward to—him asking her to the dance. But, when he cleared his throat and looked into her eyes, she knew it was something else. "I was wonderin' if you'd seen Carrie? I ain't seen her or Danny Boy all day."

"I ain't seen 'em," Olive replied, retreating behind the counter to busy herself with other things. "Why ya lookin' for her?"

"Well, I wanted to talk to her 'bout…" He saw her freeze up. "Don't worry. I ain't gonna tell her nothin' if ya don't want me to. I think it might be better this way anyhow."

"Do ya?"

"Yeah. She's been through enough. You're right. If ya don't want to be her ma, nobody can make ya." Olive placed her hands on her hips.

"Now wait just a minute, Tommy James. I never said I didn't wanna be her ma, but I made my choice a long time ago. I made a choice I didn't wanna have to make, and I ain't able to change the past now, am I?" Realizing the meaning behind her words, Tommy grew angrier with himself. Had he not been married, he would have fought harder for her.

"No. No, I guess ya ain't." He turned around just as quickly as he had come in and disappeared into the streets. Olive shook her head and wished to God that things had been different. She hated the tension. She hated seeing her daughter everyday and not being able to mother her like she should have. She hated knowing she had missed out on so much of that girl's life, and it was her own fault. There was nobody to blame but herself, and she realized that would never change.

"Miss Olive! Miss Olive!" She startled, as Johnny and Mary rushed into the store, and she quickly put on a smile.

"Well, what brings you two here in an all-fire hurry?"

"Candy!" Mary squealed.

"We heard ya got some in on the stage," Johnny pointed out.

"Little ears sure do hear a lot, don't they?" Johnny and Mary nodded eagerly, and Olive couldn't help but laugh. "It's in the back. Don't spoil your dinners!" But, her words were on deaf ears, as the children were already halfway through the store, their little feet carrying them faster than the wind. Watching them, her smile faded, and she began to long for Carrie's childhood. What did she look like at Mary's age and then at Johnny's? Why had she chosen a husband she had left over a daughter she had created with the man she loved?

"Miss Olive?" Olive turned around again. This time, staring her in the face was Daniel Simon.

"Oh! Daniel. I was just talkin' about ya with Tommy."

"Nothin' bad, I hope," he laughed. Olive shook her head.

"What can I do for ya?"

"Well, if ya can keep it a secret, I need to look at some rings in your catalogue."

"Rings, huh?" Olive asked, obliviously leafing through one of the books.

"Yep. I'm fixin' on askin' Carrie to marry me. Ya think you could help me pick out somethin' nice?"

Sully sat at Abagail, Lily, and Hanna's graves, staring at the grave markers that seemed to reflect his past failures as a husband and a father.

"I didn't do right by ya," he said quietly. "I know I shoulda been there. I know that I didn't have my priorities right. I loved ya though. I loved all of ya more than I could ever say. And now…now I got so much more in my life than I've had in a long time. I thought my life was over when I lost ya, but now I know it's just beginnin'" He took a deep breath. "I still can't go one day without thinkin' about how much fun we had as a family. I can't help but wonder how my life would be different if ya were still here. But I can't say I ain't happy with my life the way it is now. Michaela…she's…she makes me happy. She's real good with Johnny, and we're a family."

The laughter of a child caused him to look up, and he saw Johnny and Mary running across the meadow with one of the wolf pups tagging along behind.

"He's a good boy, Abagail. You'd be real proud of him." He looked down, and he shook his head. "That ain't why I'm here though. Truth is…I'm scared. I'm scared, 'cause I finally got my life back. I'm happy. I got my son. I got somebody that loves me like I love her. I got a baby on the way. I'm terrified, Abagail. I been through this three times, but not with her. She's so scared, and I ain't sure how to help her. That dream…it was so real. It haunts me like…like a lot of things have. How am I supposed to help her when I ain't sure what I'm doin' no more? Part of me wants to find Jake Slicker and make him pay for what he did to Michaela. She coulda lost the baby that time, and now she's stuck in that bed again. I know I could blame him for a lot of things that's gone wrong in my life, but I know that if I do that, I'm just gonna spend the rest of my life hatin' him, and he ain't worth it." He closed his eyes and was about to speak again when a branch crackled behind him. He stood quickly to see who was interrupting him, and the last person he wanted to see at that moment faced him.

"I…I was just…" Jake stammered. Sully said nothing. He merely turned back to his wife and children's graves, bowed his head once more in respect, and walked off in the opposite direction. Jake watched him leave, before he slowly sat down in his place.

"I really messed up, didn't I?" he asked. "Guess things happen that way. You were the only one who coulda changed me, but ya…ya chose him instead. I coulda given ya so much more. Ya just…ya didn't understand how much I loved ya. When ya were gone, I tried to lose myself, but I only learned how much more I needed ya. I shoulda been there that night…if not to save ya then to die with ya, 'cause I can tell ya, Abby, livin' ain't such a grand thing. All I've done is hurt folks, and what scares me is that…that I don't care when I'm doin' it. You woulda understood. You were the only one who could." With a heavy sigh, he continued on. "I'd change things if I thought it'd do any good, but to tell ya the truth, my place in this town ain't gonna get no better no matter what I do. Sometimes I think it'd be best if I just didn't wake up one mornin'. Maybe I'll be lucky enough someday, but for now, thinkin' of you is what keeps me goin'."

"What are ya doin' at my ma's grave?" Jake quickly turned to see Johnny, Mary, and the puppy at the gate of the graveyard, and he cleared his throat.

"I was just payin' my respects, son."

"I ain't your son," Johnny shot back. Mary eyed him for a moment before scooping the puppy up into her arms. Instead of saying anything else, Jake stepped away, leaving the children alone at the graveyard.

"Why were you so mean to him?"

"I don't like him."

"Mayor Slicker?"

"Yep."

"Why not?"

"Don't know. Just don't." He looked down at Abagail's headstone. "That's my ma. The other two are my sisters."

"Do you miss them?"

"I don't remember them," Johnny said quietly. "What about you? Do ya miss your pa?" Mary shook her head.

"I don't remember him either," she said gently. "I was too little when he died. I think I remember his laugh, but…but I could be wrong." She hung her head a little, but Johnny reached out and took her hand.

"Don't worry, Mary. We got each other." He smiled a little, and Mary's cheeks turned rosy. "And we got lots of folks who care 'bout us. Just 'cause I can't remember my ma and sisters, and you can't remember your pa don't mean they don't still love us." She nodded.

"My mother tells me the same thing all the time," she said with a smile. She looked back to the headstones. "Your ma had a real pretty name."

"Yeah," Johnny said with a nod. "I was just a baby when she died…when they all did." Mary nodded. "I still miss 'em though. But…but, things ain't so bad no more. I got Pa, and…and I got Dr. Mike."

"Aunt Michaela is really nice. You'll like having her as a mother. I promise!" Johnny nodded his head.

"Yeah. I think I will." The two started off toward town again, hand-in-hand, as little Pup wriggled under Mary's other arm.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't stay. I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't hurt you."

"You're just leaving?"

"I can't stay. If I do, I'll end up hurtin' you, and I wouldn't be able to live with it."

"What about your promise? You promised you'd stay! You promised him you wouldn't leave!"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do."

"Of course not. Of course not. You just…have to run away again. Like always. What happened to facing this together? At least I know where you stand now. At least I know that even you can break your promises."