Six months to gooo. :'( Which means that there's about 7 chapters left. And they ARE the seven you've been waiting for :). The LAST chapter is written already. I wrote it before I started this story and it took me a MONTH TO WRITE because I literally kept crying. Advance warning!

This doesn't have a lot of action, but it sets up the rest of the story. You can expect rapid deterioration from this point onward. You know how this ends. Just keep that in mind, as hard as it is.

Chapter 16

April

He felt better for awhile. He felt stronger until he didn't. Some mornings he felt fine, and then other mornings if felt like a impossible feat to even get out of bed. As he opened his eyes on the last day of April he weighed how he was feeling in his mind. And for once he was feeling pretty good. He felt strong.

Last month when the blood transfusions stopped working he was completely convinced that it was the end, that he was dying. He knew that if that was the case he had to do something to help his wife get through the loss. He had to help his friends deal. He wasn't arrogant enough to believe that his death would be an irreparable loss for anyone, but he knew he had people in his life who would be sad. Maybe the blessing of all of this was that he could help make it okay for them.

He looked down at his wife, his beautiful wife. He was so ridiculously cheesy when it came to her. His thoughts were always of how beautiful and how amazing she was. But what else could he think? She literally pulled him out of the darkness and never let him go. He would be nothing if she hadn't been brave enough to give him a chance. He brushed his nose over hers in a gentle Eskimo kiss before pulling himself out of bed and making his way into the office.

It was sparsely decorated, because Spencer primarily used it for school purposes. She said that bright colors or pictures would distract her from focusing on her papers and projects, but he found that hard to believe. The girl had militant like focus when she came to her schooling. He doubted that even a massive earthquake or a North Korean invasion could deter her.

He just looked at the computer background. It was a photograph of himself between Emily and Spencer on a Ferris wheel. Em had been single throughout high school and had ended up crashing a number of their dates. But neither he or Spencer really looked at it like that. There really wasn't anything better than hanging out with your girlfriend and one of your best friends.

He came back with the drinks, but the easy grin slid off of his face at the obvious conspiring that was going on between his girlfriend and his best friend. "What are you two up to?" He asked them suspiciously.

"Nothing," Spencer grinned and took her diet Pepsi from him with a happy smile. "Thank you!"

Emily shifted semi-uncomfortably as she took her drink from him, and from that he knew that Spencer was lying. Emily was about as comfortable with dishonesty, no matter how minor, as he was. He turned to Spencer with a cocked eyebrow. "You know I don't believe you, right?"

She shared a look with Emily before catching him off-guard with a kiss that was borderline inappropriate for public. She broke off for air and leaned he forehead against his collarbone. "Will you do something for me?"

"Um-" Did she really expect him to form coherent sentences after that? "Um, yeah. Yeah, of course."

She pulled away with a bright smile and grabbed his hand. "Great! Em and I want to go ride the Ferris wheel."

Yeah, anything but that. He halfheartedly tugged at his hand. "Spence-"

"I know. I know you don't like it much, but we really, really want to. But we don't want to leave you behind even more. Please, Toby?"

"I don't mind waiting while you guys ride it," he offered. "I can hold your purses or whatever."

"We didn't bring purses, babe," Spencer laughed, kissing his cheek. "Listen, I know you're scared of heights, but I'll hold your hand and we promise not to shake it! Right Em?"

"Right!" She nodded, smiling in that way that only Emily could. "If you do this I'll ride those stupid, rickety, death trap swings."

How could he refuse that kind of persuasion. He nodded reluctantly. "But if I die I fully expect you two to grieve at my grave for a week straight."

"Deal!" Spencer kissed him again and led him to the front of the line. Honestly, if he had known it'd get this kind of giddy reaction from her he would have given in straight away. She worried about too much. If this made her happy he would do it, despite the visions of splatting into the ground that were dancing through his head.

Her fingers gently worked at prying his death grip off of the safety railing. "Just breath, Toby. You're alright. And look at the view from up here!"

If he kept his eyes straight ahead and didn't look down she was right. It was pretty beautiful. But instead of looking for too long he leaned down and pressed his lips to her neck, hiding his face against the smooth skin. "It's nice," he murmured.

"This calls for a selfie."

He tightened his grip on Spencer as their car rocked while Emily shifted for her phone. "Smile for an instagram hit!"

Spencer liked the picture because she thinks that he looked like a scared puppy. But he liked it because it reminded him of the obstacles he could overcome with the right people by his side. At the time he thought that heights were the scariest thing, but he was so wrong. Two weeks ago he would have told you that dying was the scariest. But he was wrong even then. What was terrifying him right now was that he'd die suddenly. That he'd leave his friends and family with no closure. He went his whole life trying to live the least offensive life possible. He hated hurting people, and he hated confrontation even more. But his death might be everything he spent his life avoiding.

So he took out a sheet of paper and a pen. And with a shaky hand he penned his wife's name across the top. But even as he looked at her name, those seven simple letters that didn't mean anything on their own; but together they were everything, as he looked at her name he knew he couldn't do this. Not yet. Because how do you say goodbye to the one person in the world that you're sure that you love? How to you apologize for leaving the only person that depended on you, the only person that trusted you to take care of them? How do you try to ease the broken heart that you irreparably damaged? He didn't know how. He didn't know how to say goodbye, not to Spencer. He couldn't do this. At least not yet.

He balled up the old paper and pulled out a new one, writing his dad's name across the top. It wasn't that he thought his dad's letter would be easier... but he supposed it would be. He had the least he needed to atone to with his father.

He poured his heart out with a shaky hand, reminding him that he didn't really blame him for his childhood, telling him that he was okay almost solely because he had Spencer. The hardest part was admitting what he knew to be true in his heart of hearts. It was something that scared him more and more as every day went on, and something that he had to find a way to talk to Spencer about.

He might be dying. He was probably dying. He saw it in Dr. Green's eyes when he struggled to find new treatment options for him, and he felt it in his own body as he grew more and more weak every day. He was dying, and there was nothing he could do about it except make things okay for the people that he loved the most.

The letter ended up being almost entirely about Spencer, but he knew Spencer would take his death the hardest by far. He would enlist all the help he could in making everything okay for her. He wouldn't let this ruin her life. And it was in that moment that he realized he was crying. He didn't know for how long the tears had been streaming down his face, but by the damp set of his cheeks he suspected that it had been awhile.

All he could think about was Spencer standing by his casket. And it wasn't the fact that he was dead that was painful. It was the heartbreaking look of despair on her face. She needed him. She needed the forever that he promised her, the forever that he had had every intention of giving her. She needed him. He wasn't so arrogant as to say that the world would be a better place with him in it. It was categorically not true. He was loved deeply by a few people, and that was more than enough for him. He wasn't widely loved. He didn't make an impact on the world. But his being alive did make an impact on Spencer.

She had suffered from a deep and profound sense of abandonment her entire life. She was convinced that her parents only stayed in her life as long as she was consistently at a high level of achievement, and their disappearance after she accepted his proposal only profoundly increased that fear. Her relationship with Melissa only went as far as a moderately unhealthy source of competition. And her relationship with her girls was nurturing. Hanna and Emily would never leave her, he knew that. But Spencer didn't. She wanted to be strong for her friends, but she would never admit it.

And him? He knew it was worst of all when it came to him. It was why she was so maniacal in her care-taking, why she fought so fervently against having any conversation about his eventual demise. It was because she had been scared that he would leave her from the moment that he had been scared of losing him from the moment that she got him. What she didn't realize was that he was going no where. Even if he died, they would be together again. He knew they would. He wasn't really sure what he believed in regards to the afterlife, but he did believe in was her. And there was no way a love like theirs ever really died.

He didn't want to believe he was dying. But even today, on a day he felt as good as he had in weeks, his hands were shaking. His eyes were watering, and his head felt like it was on the carousal ride from hell. He would probably vomit at least once today, and he would be lucky if he could make it back to bed without getting winded. He hadn't had to deal with any of these things only a few months ago. He was dying and there was nothing he could do about it but fight.

He shoved his dad's letter in an envelope and hid it in a box in his single drawer. Spencer wouldn't find it. She wasn't the snooping type. Not that he minded if she did. It would be a good way to initiate the conversation he had to have with her. But he wasn't really ready for that yet either. How do you tell the love of your life that it's okay for her to move on? That he wouldn't be with her forever? How did he tell her to enjoy the birthdays and holidays that she would have without him? How could he even presume to be hypocritical enough to tell her not to be sad? Because if he were in her shoes he'd be devastated. If he died it was over. His suffering was done. But it would only be the beginning of Spencer's suffering. She would have to live every day without him. She would have to relive the pain of losing him. She would have to continue on, knowing that they would never get to build the life they had planned. She would have to live knowing that the children they would have had, the life they would have shared, the memories they would have made would never be reality. She would have to live without him, and that was the scariest thing. That was the thing that was so unbearably painful.

He had to make this okay for her. He pulled himself up from the chair and stumbled back into bed, huffing the entire time. His chest burned like he had run a marathon rather than have only walked a few steps. It sucked not being able to do anything for himself. He felt useless, like a burden. But he knew that the only person he was truly a burden on was Spencer. She was the only one who went out of her way to take care of him. And he also knew that it was infinitely better this way than if he wasn't there anymore. He knew she would prefer it this way, so he tried to be okay with it.

His shaking hand ran down her side and came to rest on her waist, and the other gently grazed her jawline. She was too stunning for words, and despite everything, despite the pain and his suffering... despite all of that, when he looked at Spencer he still felt so lucky. He felt lucky every single day.

She groaned. And for a second he thought that she was still asleep, but she slowly blinked her eyes open, arching her back in a morning stretch.

"Hey," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her forehead. His lips lingered on her skin, longer than necessary to give himself a chance to collect his emotions before she easily picked his distress out of his eyes. She was far too good at that.

"Morning," she murmured, nuzzling her face into his neck. "Mmm, you're so warm."

As soon as he realized she was cold he ran his hands up and down her bare, goosebump covered arms to create some friction. "Do you want me to turn the heat up?"

She shook her head, but she also burrowed deeper into him. He brushed a hand over her hair. "Don't lie to me, Spence. Are you cold?"

"I'm not as cold as you are hot," she muttered. "Besides, I can cuddle with you and huddle under blankets. What are you going to do? Take off more clothes?"

She was too logical, because he didn't know how to argue with that other than to tell her to just worry about herself. But that would get him smacked. He just held her against him, sharing in his warmth. "You know how much I love you, right?"

"This sounds like the beginning of a Shakespearean sonnet," she murmured into his chest. But she pulled away to look at him. And as soon as she got a good look at him she framed his face with her hands, stopping him from diverting his gaze. "Are you okay?"

"Just a little sad," he said truthfully, unwilling to lie to her. "I'm fine overall."

She looked at him with so much love that he nearly cried. But it was tears for her. Because if he died she would never have anyone look at her like that again. He promised himself that he would shower her with love now. He would make sure that she felt like the most loved woman on the planet, even if it was just for a few more months. He leaned in and kissed her. He kissed her and kissed her until he felt like his lungs would explode due to oxygen deprevation. And even then he only pulled away for a short breath before leaning in again. "I love you," he whispered between kisses. "I love you."