Mrs. Wolowitz Vs. Shamy; Sixth Hearsay Test

This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful actress who played Mrs. Wolowitz, Carol Ann Susi. I re-watched all the scenes in show to capture her voice. I hope I did her justice. She will be missed.

Spoiler alert: There is a reference to a joke in the upcoming episode. I will not tell you what it is. If you read the taping report you'll get it. If not, then you won't get it anyway.

"Where's that balabusta Catholic girl? Doesn't that Goy know it's rude not to visit her mother in law? I could be dying, does she care? No!"

Mrs. Wolowitz was incensed. She had been slaving away over a hot stove just to make a fabulous meal of her famous brisket for her son and his wife. Everything was supposed to be perfect, the only problem was her only son Howard shows up without the wife and late no less. Mrs. Wolowitz knew that after Howie left the house, he would ignore his poor invalid mother. At least she had Stuart to take care of her.

Stuart, who opened the locked front door for Howard, shook his head at him disapprovingly.

"Why is the door locked, when you knew I was coming, Stuart?" Howard didn't wait for the reply. He bellowed back to her from the foyer, "At least I'm here for dinner, Ma!"

Stuart added quickly, "She's been cooking all day, Howard."

Howard told him to stuff it and barged into the house to answer his mother's yells. He entered his family home to find his mother in the bathroom, barking at him through the door. "What am I running here, the Olive Garden? You could have at least picked up the phone and told me your little wife was too good to show up!"

"Ma, I told you, Bernadette is working. She can't make it every time you want to kbitz over the Goldstein's new vinyl siding!"

"First off, the Goldsteins have no business buying that cheap crap. I mean it brings down the value of the whole neighborhood. Don't they know about Zillow?"

"How do you even know about Zillow, MA? I still have to explain to you the internet is not a system of tubes."

"Stewie told me. He showed me my house is worth twice since last year. That was until the shlemiel Goldstein's and their siding ruined the street."

"Why in the hell would Stuart be showing you the value of your house? Not like you're gonna sell, or something Ma." Howard glowered at Stuart who ignored him and put out the plates for the brisket. Mrs. Wolowitz finally left the bathroom and sat on the couch.

"You don't know what I am going to do. You're never here, anyway. Too busy with you friends including that mesheggina weirdo and his girlfriend with all the chutzpah. I like her. She's knows how to handle a man."

"Who the hell are you talking about Ma? Penny and Leonard?"

"No, not them! Those two are ticking time bomb. Just wait till she get some fancy acting job. It will be goodbye to poor Leonard..."

"Leonard and Penny are doing great, Ma."

"For now! By the way, get you couch ready when those two get married. Anyway, I was talking about Sheldon and Dr. Amy. She's a doctor too, ya know!"

"I know she's a doctor, Ma! Everyone's a doctor but me! How did you run into them?" Howard looked at Stuart who had remained quiet during Mrs. Wolowitz rant. He shrugged his shoulders and told Howard what was going on, "We were out the other day at a weight watchers meeting in Burbank when we ran into them."

"Hold up… Ma, you're going to weight watchers? I've been trying to get to you go for years."

"Yeah, you told me to go after you asked me to pick up those Armenian cakes you liked so much. So much for encouragement. Stewie has been taking me for weeks. Afterwards we go to Ikea."

"MA! The only reason you go to Ikea is to get the meat balls and Swedish cookies!"

"Well, it's easier to count the points per meat ball. Excuse me for trying to watch my figure! Anyway, back to that strange couple. Stuart told me those two have been shtupping like rabbits, and I guess it's true. We ran into…"

"Hold up hold up… this is too much to process." Howard sat down on the couch and put his hands on his face to regain some control and process the last few minutes of information.

Howard took a deep breath, "Are you trying to tell me Sheldon and Amy are having sex, Ma? And you heard this from him?" Howard didn't even look at Stuart, but he was the one who answered.

"Yes. I heard from Zack that he ran into Amy and Sheldon at a lingerie store. He said he took off her bra in 3 seconds!"

"Zack? Penny's Zack? What the hell? Are you sure he was telling the truth?"

"Dude, that guy is many things, but smart enough to lie is not one of them."

Howard had to agree, "Fair point."

"Anyway, Zack said SHeldon snapped Amy's bra off in record time."

"What!? SHeldon?"

"I know, right? AND...he bought her all kinds of lingerie and sex toys!"

"WHAT?! Sex toys? Are you crazy?" Howard didn't believe a word of it.

"Well, 500 dollars worth of lingerie sounds crazy to me."

Mrs. Wolowitz interrupted, "Not that they get their money's worth and wear it for very long. Those two are rabbits, I tell ya. If you and that pent up Catholic girl had sex half as much as those two, I would have a grandchild by now."

"MA! Bernie and I have sex plenty…" Howard looked at the ceiling fan and shock his head to hide his lie, "Anyway, what makes you think Sheldon and Amy are having sex?"

"Don't you listen? They were coming out of Planned Parenthood. Why else would you go in there? Besides, you should have seen the look on their faces when they ran into us!"

"Maybe because it's weird that you two go everywhere together like some old married couple?"

Mrs. Wolowitz snapped back, "You're just jealous that Stuart takes better care of me than you ever did!"

"That's not true and you know it! I did lots…" Before Howard could go off on his mother, Stuart interrupted.

"Condoms."

Both Howard and his mother turned to Stuart, "WHAT?!"

"They give away free condoms at Planned Parenthood. Oh, and birth control pills. Maybe Amy was getting some. They had a bag from the place. It looked pretty full."

"Hold up, are you saying Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler came out of Planned Parenthood with a bag of stuff?"

"Yes! What are you deaf? What the hell did Space do to you, Howard?" She shook her finger at Howard, "NASA better pay your medical bills for the hearing test you need. Those tight wad bastards!"

"MA! NASA isn't tight wad, they have been very…" Howard rubbed his face again, "Why do I even try. Get back to Sheldon and Amy."

"Okay, they came out of the door just as Stuart and I were going into my meeting. I tried to go the first one of the day, but traffic was so bad, we missed it. So we waited at the doughnut shop next door for the 10 AM meeting. Sheldon and his girl were discussing something when they almost ran into us, remember Stewie?"

"Oh, yeah. Something about planning ahead is best part of premarital coitus, or something."

Howard just dropped his jaw, "I can't even... just woo...Pre-martial coitus? They are going to get married? I can't believe..."

"Well, believe it. I gave Sheldon a big hug which he didn't return by the way."

Stuart added quickly, "I tried to hug Amy, but Sheldon growled at me! He growled!"

"Wow! That's new! I've seen him jealous before, but not that bad."

"That man needs to loosen up and eat a sandwich, too skinny. Anyway, I told him to introduce me to this girl. He said she was his girlfriend, Amy Farrah Fowler. A doctor, no less. "

"She's not a real doctor."

"Actually, she is…"

"No, Ma, she's a neurobiologist."

"A Brain doctor? No wonder she's with him! She has enough to study in that ferkockt noggin for years!"

"Actually, we hoped she would help mellow him out. After 4 years, it's finally working."

"I bet. He is so smitten with her. I had to hear all about her degrees and such while he kvell over her for hours it seemed. Dr. Amy cut him off, and said they shouldn't keep Mrs. Wolowitz. Such a nice girl. I asked what they were doing and she blushed. He said, "Well, we weren't eating bananas if that's what you're asking. She scolded him for some reason."

"Bananas? I don't get it..."

"Neither did we. Anyway, he said they were just getting information. Then Amy said, "not that we need it, I have a degree in biology, Sheldon." He said, "Yes, but you can never be too careful, Dr. Fowler." And then he winked at her, and he blushed again like a school girl.

"Wow, Just wow…"

"Then he proceeds to explain all the different methods of birth control including hand gestures that showed how to put on a condom on his shvantz. Dr. Amy told him that I didn't need to hear all the details, and he said, well, if she knew this information 30 years ago, she could have been more selective with her family planning."

Howard's blood boiled, "That bastard!"

"Well, Amy scolded him and told him it was completely inappropriate and he bowed his head and apologized." Mrs. Wolowitz cocked her head as she remembered, "I thought you told me he never apologies for anything?"

"Only when she tells him too. Like Thanksgiving when he got drunk with Bernadette's dad."

"OH that! He should have apologized to me for the mess he made in the bathroom! I was cleaning up those clowns for weeks thanks to his drunken plotz."

Howard let out a huge sigh, "I know Ma! He said he would, but he passed out on the couch on Amy's lap. We couldn't get him up for hours."

"Well, at least he apologized to you. She's got him a lease, but I think he likes the collar, if you know what I mean…" Mrs. Wolowitz winked and nudged Stuart in the side. Howard was mortified.

"MA! That's completely inappropriate! You're my mother!"

"Howie, I'm old, I'm not dead! I saw the marks on his neck. Those two are getting dirty!"

"I just can't… I mean.. Sheldon barely hold her hand, let alone all what you're thinking." Howard tapped his chin, "However…."

Mrs. Wolowitz and Stuart leaned in at the same time, "Yes…"

"Raj said, that Emily treated a Hickey on Sheldon!"

"Get outta town!" Stuart almost hit Howard off the couch.

"I know, I couldn't believe it. Also… I ran into Leslie…"

"Oh, that girl you were shtupping before Bernadette?"

Howard rolled his eyes, "Yes, Ma… her… Anyway… She said she caught Sheldon and Amy kissing in his office!"

Stuart squealed like a school girl, "NO WAY! Go Shamy!"

"SHamy? How do you know about that name?"

"Hey, I know stuff…" Stuart cleared his throat and looked up. "I'll shut up now…"

Howard once again, rolled his eyes and asked his mother to continue the story. "Did they say anything else?"

"She also said your taste in music, specifically Neil Diamond, must mean that I was a wonderful mother to introduce her son to such great music! What a doll!"

"Well, she does love the Diamond, Ma. It's true."

"I'm telling you, Howie, you missed out not snarfing up that girl! Are you sure she's not Jewish?"

"Pretty sure, she had Victorian Christmas party."

"Well, she'd make a great Jew. She's has such a cute punim. Anyway, she asked where we were going and I told her. She said, she has a wonderful vegan recipe for rugalach that is half the fat that she got it from some actress' cookbook. She's smart and she can cook. Why couldn't you meet a girl like that?"

"Cause I love Bernadette, MA! Really! You like her!"

"I'd like her a lot better if she'd give me a grandchild before I'm 80 or if she looked at you like Dr. Amy looks at Sheldon. Any woman who can put up with that weirdo is a mensch. And the schmaltzy way he looks at her? I bet they have kids before you do!"

Howard had almost had enough, "MA! I hate to burst your bubble here, but I seriously doubt that Sheldon and Amy are having sex! Sheldon says he is above such baser urges."

"Oh, he's above alright, but I think she is the one who is above, if you know what I mean. She wears the pants in that family, no doubt."

"Ma, there is no family! They aren't married. They don't have sex." Howard tried to rub his headache away, but it was no good. He was used to getting it after 3 minutes in his old house.

"Then why, Mr. Smarty pants, are they leaving Planned Parenthood? She didn't look pregnant, though she got the hips for kids. I should know. I had the best figure before I popped this one outta me." Mrs. Wolowitz tilted her head to Howard, but he was too ver clempt to acknowledge the jab.

"But I still can't wrap my head around it. I mean he never touches her and he got upset over a mistletoe kiss..."

Stuart added, "Me thinks the man doth protest too much, ya know? "

"Just because he doesn't smother the poor girl every second doesn't mean they are knocking boots. My podiatrist was doodling the receptionist of the dentist next door for years before anyone knew. Especially his wife!"

"Well, if those two are having sex, he is the biggest hypocrite that ever walked the face of the earth. For YEARS we had to hear that giving in to our urges made us less evolved."

"Well, the way you would go at it, Howie, maybe he was right."

"MA! What are you saying? Sheldon was right to tell me not to have so much sex?"

"Let's be honest Howie, the only sex you were really having was with yourself. I mean how many bottles of lotion can one man have next to his bed?"

"MA! I can't believe you are saying this, in front of him, no less." Howard puts his hand over his eyes and hoped his mother would shut up. He hoped in vain.

"And the baths! How can a grown man take a bubble bath more than 5 times a week? I ask ya?"

"You know it helped my back, Ma! And I have dry skin, hence the lotion!"

"HA! Nothing on you was dry from what I heard from that bedroom every night. You probably need Nair for your hands that way you and Rosy Palms were getting along."

"MA!"

"Well, I'm just sayin'… If you spend more time doing your studies and less 'studying' yourself, you would be a doctor now too!"

"I have a master's degree from MIT, Ma! I went to space!"

"How is all that going to get me a grandchild? I should adopt Dr. Amy. I'd get a doctor in the family, a grandchild and a good recipe for rugalach."

Stuart added, "Oh and she can play the harp!"

Howard shook his head and glared at Stuart, "Shut up Stuart, don't be a putz…"

A/N:

I think Mrs. Wolowitz love Bernadette, she is just frustrated over no grandchildren.

I referenced a Vegan cookbook and of course, it's supposed to Majim Bialik's.

Here is a dictionary of the Yiddish terms. All off the internet.

BALABUSTA: The wife of an important person or a bossy woman.

BUPKES: Something worthless or absurd.

CHUTZPAH: Nerve; gall, as in a person who kills her parents and asks for mercy because she is an orphan.

FERCOCKT: All fucked up.

GOY: A derogatory term meaning gentile, goyim is the plural, and goyisher is the adjective.

KIBITZ: To offer comments which are often unwanted during a game, to tease or joke around. A kibitzer gives unasked for advice.

KLUTZ: An awkward, uncoordinated person.

KVELL: To beam with pride and pleasure, Jewish parents are prone to kvell over their children's achievements.

KVETCH: To annoy or to be an annoying person, to complain.

MENSCH: A person of character. An individual of recognized worth because of noble values or actions.

MESHUGGE or MESHUGGINA: Crazy, refers to a more chronic disturbance.

PLOTZ: To burst, to explode, "I can't laugh anymore or I'll "plotz." To be aggravated beyond bearing.

PUNIM: Face

PUTZ: A vulgarism for penis but most usually used as term of contempt for a fool, or an easy mark.

SCHMALTZ: Literally chicken fat. Usually refers to overly emotional and sentimental behavior.

SCHMUCK: A vulgarism for penis, strong putdown for a jerk, a detestable person.

SHLEP: To carry or to move about. Can refer to a person, a "shlepper," who is unkempt and has no ambition.

SHMOOZ: To hang out with, a friendly gossipy talk.

SHTUP: An expression for sexual intercourse, to "screw."

SHVANTZ: A word for penis.

TUCHES: Backside, ass, "tuches lecker" means ass kisser, one who shamelessly curries favor with superiors.

VER CLEMPT: All choked up.