THIS IS SO BAD. But so good. And I just love it.

Maybe I have more to say, but I have to get to work so really I have nothing. LITERALLY THE WORST SCHEDULE EVER. 330 pm to 130 am. Amuse me, okay? And if you haven't yet, check out my other story, Falling to Pieces.

LOVE YOU ALL.

Chapter 18

June

Being back in the hospital was a huge blow to his morale. Having even the doctors believe that he wasn't strong enough to live on his own was a blow to his ego. But if he was being honest he knew it was necessary. Because his good days were worse than his worst days just weeks ago.

But this time he was taking advantage of the down time. He ran his fingers over the envelopes that he had shoved under his pillow. He had written to Emily, Hanna, Caleb, and Aria. And they were all hard. But every time he tried to write a letter to Spencer he balled it up and threw it in the trash. It felt inadequate. It never felt like enough. How do you say thank you to the person that changed your entire life?

"Toby?" Emily waited until he was looking at her before continuing. "Spencer just texted me and told me that she'd be back in about an hour. I need to run to the store to pick you guys up a couple things so she doesn't have too and then I'm going to come back. Do you want me to grab you anything from your house while I'm out?"

He was suddenly struck with an idea. "Can you get me my tape recorder? The one that Hanna got me for Christmas?"

She looked confused, but to her credit she simply nodded. Emily was good for things like that. "Thanks for everything, Em," he added sincerely. He didn't know how he would get through this without her. It wasn't so much that he needed someone with him as Spencer needed to know that someone was with him. And the fact that she was saving Spencer's sanity was something he wouldn't soon forget.

She hesitated. "Are you feeling okay? I don't want to leave you if you're having a rough day."

He shook his head. He was actually feeling pretty good. "Just hurry back, okay? Because if Spencer gets back before you she'll probably have a heart attack."

Emily smirked and ducked out the door leaving him to his thoughts. He was dying. It was undeniable. He needed to make this in between time mean something. He had warning, and if it was the last thing he did he would make the most of his last days. The acceptance didn't mean that he would stop fighting. On the contrary, he planned on fighting like hell. But he wouldn't be blindsided either.

"You're sad."

He just shook his head. If he tried to speak his voice would crack, and he refused to make this about himself. He came to visit her because he could hear the stress in her voice when he spoke with her, but maybe he should have waited a day or two for the sting of his conversation with his dad to wear off. Because she could pick his emotions out of his eyes with ease.

"Toby," she whispered. He felt her bed sink as she sat down beside him. He gentle hands brushed over his cheeks. "what's wrong?"

"I just-" he swallowed. "I got in a fight with my dad."

"Your dad? When did you see your dad?"

"I ran into him at the gas station on my way here," he explained quietly. "I made the mistake of asking him why he hadn't tried to get a hold of me in the past year. He basically let me know that I'm a disappointment, and he told me that my mom would be disappointed in me."

He expected her to get angry, to deny his father's words. She pulled away to look at him. She was smiling, but there was fire in her eyes. "Let's build a fort."

"A- Um, what?"

She rolled her eyes. "How did I end up with a guy who doesn't even know how to build a fort?"

Only when she started pulling blankets down from the closet shelf did he realize that she was being serious. He walked up behind her and put one hand on her waist to steady her and used the other to carefully pull down the sheets that she was struggling to reach.

It took them about an hour, but in the end they managed to build a pretty spectacular fort. A pillow was under his neck, and Spencer's head was resting on his chest. He absentmindedly ran his fingers through her silky hair. "Spence?"

"Hmmm?" She mumbled. He liked the way the vibrations traveled through his body.

He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "Thank you." He didn't have to elaborate. She knew what he meant. Because her anger and denial wouldn't do anything other than make him feel bad for bringing it up. He didn't want her to get emotional over him. He just wanted to forget, and she did that for him.

"I love you," was her only response.

"I love you too."

He must have been lost in his thoughts for longer than he realized because he jumped as Emily walked back into his room. She smirked at his confused impression. "You always were the daydreaming type."

He chuckled. "I wasn't expecting you back so quickly."

"It only took me a minute," she smiled and handed him the recorder. "I also grabbed you guys some food and a few magazines. Spencer just called and told me that she was on her way up, so if you're alright I think that I'll go ahead and get out of here."

He nodded and held an arm out for her. He closed his eyes as he embraced one of his closest friends, one of the people that he loved and trusted the most in the world. "Em, I seriously can't thank you enough."

"You don't have to thank me for anything," she said firmly. "You would do it for me, Toby. So it makes this easy." She kissed his forehead before sliding through the open door with one last smile.

He heard the low murmuring of feminine voices before Spencer slid in the door, taking Emily's place. As soon as he saw her tension that he hadn't even known that he felt evaporated from his body. He sunk into his pillows, more relaxed than he had felt all day.

She smiled softly when she saw him, and to his surprise she joined him on the bed, quickly kicking off her overly high heels and curling up next to him. His arms, currently absent of the IVs that had found a near permanent home in his veins, wrapped around her. It was second nature by now. What was also second nature was reading his wife's emotions, and all he knew right now was that something was wrong. "What's wrong, Spencer?"

She shook her head, tucking her face into his shoulder. "It doesn't matter. I'm fine now."

"Spencer," he persisted, brushing a soft hand over her hand.

She sighed dramatically, which made him smile. His wife wasn't that great at admitting her feelings. "I was just- I don't know, thinking about what life would be like without you earlier. And then I realized that it was stupid, because you're here right now."

He almost let his guilt distract him from the fact that this was the opening that he had been waiting for. "Spence-"

"I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled.

"And I have to talk about it," he countered. "I have to, because the fact that my leaving you is becoming more and more probable as the days go by. And I need to know that you'll be okay."

"Toby," she whispered. "I can't-"

"Help me sit up," he interrupted. When she pulled away questioningly he held a hand out to her. She obliged, reluctantly pulling him up. She wrapped an arm around his middle to support him as he raised the bed. Once he was settled against the pillows and Spencer was sitting Indian style next to him he reached out for her hand again. "Spence, please, please stop pushing this conversation away. Please. I need to talk to you about this."

A single tear trailed down her cheek, but she nodded. She didn't say anything, she just looked at him. He reached out with a shaky hand to brush the tear away. "You have to see as well as I do that these treatments aren't working. I know you do, and I know you're denying it everyday. But that doesn't do either of us any good."

"You might still make it," she whispered, looking down.

He took her chin in his hand and tilted her face up. "Oh baby, that's not what I'm saying at all. I might. And I'll fight like hell for the chance to grow old with you. But for the first time I can see that it might not happen, you know?"

She nodded. "I'm scared," she admitted.

Her broken voice was almost enough to bring him to tears, but he'd hold on for her. There would be time to cry later. "I am too, but I also think this is good in a way. Because it won't catch you by surprise. It will hurt like hell, I'm sure. But we have time to say goodbye, and-" He closed his eyes and shook his head. How was he supposed to say goodbye to her?

"I don't know how to say goodbye to you," she whispered, echoing his thoughts.

"Come here," he murmured, matching her volume. She crawled across the bed and into his waiting arms, their desperation to be near each other was so intense it was nearly tangible. She pressed her back into his chest and leaned into him. As he wrapped both arms around her shoulders her thin hands found his biceps. "I don't know what the future holds," he admitted. "But whether I'm physically here with you or just with you in spirit I want you to remember one thing. You're never alone, Spencer. I'm always right there with you, no matter what. I love you so much. Death can't be the end, it won't be the end. You'll never be alone."

He could hear her crying so he just held her, rocking her gently. That's what's he would want her to do for him. He wouldn't tell her that everything would be okay, because it wouldn't. At least not at first. He wouldn't tell her to move on yet, not when he was still around for her to punch for suggesting it. He wouldn't tell her not to cry, because sometimes that's exactly what you needed to do. He would just hold her.

A thought came to him as he pressed his lips to her glossy hair over and over again. "And Spence?" He waited for her quiet hum of acknowledgement. "There's some money in the drawer on my side of the bed. It's not a ton, but-"

"Are you kidding?"

He shook his head against hers. "There should be a little over $2,000 in there. That, with the life insurance, should be enough to take care of any expenses. So don't worry about things like that, okay?"

"Toby," she murmured, tucking her face into his arm, nuzzling her nose into the muscle. "You know how much I love you, right?"

"I love you too," he replied softly. They were the truest words he had ever spoken.

But Spencer frantically shook her head. "No, no that's not what I'm saying. God, Toby I thought we had forever. I thought we'd be together forever, so I never said it. But we always knew, right? You always knew what you meant to me? You saved me. God, you saved me so many times. When I felt unlovable you made me feel like the most loved person on the planet. When I felt useless you reminded me that you needed me. When I felt ugly you just kissed away my insecurities. And now- Now I-"

"Shhh," he soothed, pulling her in tighter. He wanted to return the sentiments of everything that she had just said, but he couldn't do it. Not right now. Not yet. He'd save it for her letters, because he knew what to say now. He just held her as she cried, whispering quiet words of reassurance into her ears. How she was never alone, that she was so loved, that he would never really leave her.

He wasn't sure how much time passed, but judging by the shadows that crept along the linoleum floor, it had been awhile. But eventually he had been able to sooth her into unconsciousness. The steady rise and fall of her chest comforted him. Because maybe he was dying. But she persisted. She would survive, and that was more important. Spencer lived the kind of life that would make an impact on the world, he lived more quietly. Both logically and selfishly, it was better that Spencer lived than him. Not for the first time he thanked God that this was happening to him and not her. Because he would take on a thousand lifetimes of pain rather than watch her go through a single day of this hell.

Their conversation had been hard, but now he knew what he had to do. He took out the recorder that he had shoved under his pillow before Spencer entered the room and flipped it on. "Hey baby," he said softly. "I don't even know what to say to you right now. You're actually asleep right next to me." On top of might have been a better sentiment. He smiled and kissed her hair.

"Listen baby, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't have a lot of time left. I can actually feel myself growing weaker. I know that I promised you I would fight, and I will. But it might be a losing battle." It hurt to admit that, and it hurt to know how much he would hurt her. But he could do this for her. It might hurt worse in the short term, but it would help her in the long run. He was sure of it.

"If you're listening to this it means that I didn't make it, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much, and please know that if I had any choice in it, any choice at all, that I wouldn't have left you. I would have stayed with you even if I had to live forever like this. A lifetime of pain with you is better than the pain I know it will cause you when I'm gone."

He looked down at her and paused. If this had been her reaction just discussing the possibility then how would she react if he truly died? The mental picture of her grieving at his funeral was nearly enough to make him inconsolable. "So I was thinking to myself-"

"Toby?"

Shit. Shit, he hadn't meant to wake her up. He sat the recorder down on the sheets and wrapped his free arm back around her. "Shhh. Everything's alright. Just go back to sleep."

"But who are you talking too?" She asked him, confused. Her bleary eyes scanned the room for any hidden doctors or nurses.

He was scrambling here. Hopefully she'd be too tired to question him. "Myself. Weren't you the one who told me that all great minds talk to themselves?"

She sank back into him with a tired nod. "I did say that."

He just kept his eyes on her, waiting for the telltale signs that she was asleep. The way she'd always nuzzle her face into him and sigh. Then he'd know she was out of it, that it was safe to continue.

Her tiny hand loosened the grip she had on his shirt and she sighed, turning her face into him. He smiled and picked the recorder back up, feeling in slightly better spirits now. "Interrupting your tape, that is so you Spencer..."

He didn't think too hard about everything else he said. It was mostly declarations of love and pleas for her to call her parents. Because as shitty as they were sometimes, he knew they loved each other fiercely. She would need them in the coming months. He referenced their anniversary, but he figured if he made it past that he could just record something new. If not he would have to think of a new milestone for her to receive her first letter on.

He thought that he was done, but just as he was about to hit end he realized that he had a little more to say. "Never forget how much I love you, Spencer. You're my world. You saved me when I thought I was unsaveable. You loved me when I thought I was unlovable. You're everything, and I love you."

He pressed the end button, and pulled her close, burying his face in her hair. The tears that had been threatening to fall all day finally broke through, running down his face and pooling on her scalp. Maybe- maybe he finally did something that was worthy of her. Maybe he was finally on the road to saying goodbye.