Pendette or Penny and Bernie Vs. Shamy; Seventh Hearsay Test

Special Appearance by Wil Wheaton staring as himself

Bernadette put her car into park in front of the hipster bar where she was to meet Penny and rushed inside to find her friend. Their clandestine meeting was set for a rarely visited location in Eagle Rock that touted the largest selection of IPA's in the San Gabriel valley. They had to ensure no one would overhear their discussion of the tantalizing bit of gossip that each lady was sure to make the other blush and squeal with glee. Penny was certain her news of the conversation with Sheldon's mother would be the highlight of the evening not to mention what she just heard through the door right before she came to the bar that night. Little did she know, Bernadette had her own titillating tale that was sure to tease her flibbertigibbet friend.

Bernadette found Penny at a table in the corner of the bar, away from the prying eyes. Penny waved her over when she caught glimpse of her short friend, "Hey, you're already here? Am I late?"

"Nah, I just got her about 10 minutes ago."

Bernadette looked down at the table and saw the two empty wine glasses and a third half full in front of Penny, "Yep, that's about right." She thought to herself.

Bernadette sat next to her friend looking like the cat who got the cream. "So… Are you ready to hear what I got to tell you! It's so exciting!" Bernadette's voice jumped 4 octaves and almost shattered the empty wine glasses. The waitress finally bussed the empties and brought Bernie her own glass.

Penny had her own smug face as she guzzled her Chardonnay, "You are going to freak when I tell you what Mrs. Cooper told me."

"Not as much as you when I tell you what I saw!"

Both women at the same time shouted, "Amy and Sheldon are having sex!"

Penny looked at Bernadette confused when she asked disappointedly, "Wait, what? You knew?"

Penny looked crestfallen that her moment in the gossipy sun was overshadowed, "How did you know?"

Bernadette looked just as disappointed, but continued her tale, "Howie said his mother ran into them coming out of Planned Parenthood with birth control pills talking about premarital coitus!"

Penny almost dropped her wine. She wasn't expecting the words premarital to come out in a conversation about Sheldon and Amy, "Butter my butt and call me a biscuit! ! I should have believed her the first time I heard it. Now I do, but damn!"

"Who should you've believed? What are you talking about?" Bernadette asked.

"Mrs. Cooper!. You won't believe it! She told me her precious little Shelly was going at it... She overheard Sheldon and Amy getting it on over Skype like little bunnies."

"Shut the front door! You are freakin' kidding me!"

"I've forgot to tell you when we were shopping. Besides, I didn't believe it anyway." Penny leaned in to tell the tale, "Well, Sheldon's mom heard Amy and Sheldon getting jiggy with it. She heard it all, Amy calling his name out, slapping sounds. She said Sheldon was all dominant tell her to "Take it all in, and swallow it!" Penny took a swallow off her wine to emphasize the word which made Bernadette do the same as soon as she heard it.

"Oh my god, no way!"

"Way! Like I said, I didn't believe it at first. But now, holy crap on cracker, she was right! She wanted Leonard to have the talk with him. From what I heard, I want Sheldon to have the talk with Leonard, if you know what I mean!" Penny said as she raised her almost empty glass to the waitress and pointed to Bernadette's.

"Did he?"

"What, did Sheldon tell Leonard how to be a man in the sack?"

"NO! Did Leonard talk to Sheldon about what his mom overheard?"

"Hell no! Are you nuts? Senor Whackdoddle thinks asking his sex on government forms is too personal and judgmental. He wrote a letter to a Senator about it. No way could Leonard talk to him about sex. I asked him once, quite a while ago now if he and Amy were ever going to get physical, he said… and I quote, 'It was a possibility'. I think we see it now. Damn, maybe all that stuff he told Kripke is coming true, like the sex organ jostling. Which is gross, by the way."

"Well, you told me about the whole 'whimsically inventive' thing and let me tell ya, I think you're right. I am so happy that Amy is finally getting the love she deserves but I'll tell ya, I'm surprised those two are so bold!"

"What do you mean?"

"Howie told me that Kripke said Mrs. David caught them doing it in the basement of Cal-Tech!"

Penny spit out her wine, "What?! At work? No fricking way? I mean Leonard and I did in the laser lab, but he has a door and a sense of adventure. Well… a door at least!"

"Did you have a camera, too, because according to Kripke, they videotaped it!"

"NO WAY! Shamy Sex tapes? I never want to see that."

"I don't know… If Sheldon is as whimsically inventive as he says, maybe we can put his genius to good work and get some pointers." Bernadette ran her finger around the rim of her glass thinking of what could be on the tapes. Penny looked nauseated.

"No way… I can't even believe that! Amy would never do that, she has way too much class. Sheldon, I don't know, he takes off his pants a lot, so… "

"Howie's mom said they were rabbits, and she was right! I mean, those two couldn't even get outta my car without making out like a couple of sex starved teen agers!"

Penny pointed to waitress again for a refill, "Oh, you got some firsthand dirt! Spill! And not that wine, it's expensive."

Bernadette lowered her tone and leaned in, "Okay, well, the other day, I had to take Amy and Sheldon on a bunch of errands. Remember?"

"Oh yeah, cause Amy's car was in the shop."

"Right, we dropped it off in the morning, then Howie and I had to stop by his mother's. Amy and Sheldon were in the back seat doing one of their stupid games only they understand."

"God, I hate those games. I have a hard enough time with normal games with those two, let alone Indo-Euro word root boggle or hide the ball of wool, or some such crap."

"I know, I'm a biologist, and I can't win against those two. Lamo. Anyway, they didn't want to come in, so we left him in back seat. Well, you know how Howie's mother is…, blah blah blah. Besides I had to do some groveling about missing that dinner."

Penny whispered from the side of her mouth as she scoped the bar for eavesdroppers, "Oh, did they ever find out you and I were out shopping instead of you working?"

Bernie lowered her voice to the same range as a Pro Wrestler, "NO! And they never will or I will find a place for the bodies, right Penny?"

Penny gulped her new wine and tried to hide her shaking voice, "Sure, Bernie.. sure.."

Bernie resumed her high pitched voice and continued, "Anyway, when Howie and I finally get out of there, I look out and Amy and Sheldon are getting back in the car. They must have been making out on the roof or something. Amy and Sheldon are all disheveled. I mean, his hair is mess and tousled, her shirt is all open and ripped."

"OPEN? Like her bra is out and stuff?"

"Oh, no just her cardigan is unbuttoned, but her shirt was ripped. She kept messing with it and giving him dirty looks.

"Ripped?"

"Yeah, at the sleeve. I mean those two were all sweaty and flush. I think if we could come out a couple minutes later, we would have seen a full on Sheldon and Amy make out session!"

Penny started to stutter, she was so shocked, "Get out! I cccan't believe they would make out in public! I mean, he doesn't even give her a kiss in public! Remember New Year's Eve? He came up with that lame excuse that the champagne cork hit him in the eye and Amy had to check on him right when the ball dropped?"

"That was so lame. I mean the cork was pointed the other direction, for god sake. What a big baby! Everyone knows he wanted to kiss her for New Years. She had to get her New Year's kiss in the bathroom with the smell of Bactine. Who the hell does he think he's fooling?"

"Well, not us, that's for damn sure. He should have given her the kiss she deserves!"

"Damn right!"

Penny narrowed her eyes, "I knew something was up when I heard them doing it just before I left for here to meet you here. I can't wait to tell you what I heard!"

"OOOH!" Bernie finally finished her first glass of wine. She leaned in to soak in all the enticing details. "What did you hear?"

"Okay! I was coming out of my place when I heard Amy's giggle. Leonard was out with Raj and Howard to the new movie with Benedict Cumberbatch about the guy who broke the enigma code or something."

"I'm surprised Sheldon didn't go with them. I was worried we weren't going to be able to meet without inviting Amy, but I guess she was with him. Listen, Amy can never now that we met without her, right Penny?"

"Who are you telling? Besides, we are meeting to gossip about her, and exclude her, so it's like she is here!"

"Makes sense. Agreed!" Bernadette and Penny clinked their glasses, "Wait, Why didn't Sheldon go to that movie?"

"He said he if wanted to see a movie about an underappreciated genius shunned by society, he would watch Fun with Flags. Anyway. Back to Shamy. I guess it was just those two, so I was about to go over and say hi to Amy and give her some excuse why we couldn't go out, when I heard…" Penny started to blush.

"God, Penny, if it can make you blush, what the hell were they doing?"

"Hey! I can blush! Anyway, wait to you hear what I heard. I heard Sheldon moan and says, 'I should have washed my balls first!"

"GROSS!" Bernadette almost spit out her wine.

"I know. I didn't want to open the door after I heard that. I pressed my ear against the door. Then I heard him say to her, 'Amy, keep your head down and spread your legs wider.'"

"No way!"

"OH, it gets better. Amy says, 'I know how to spread my legs Sheldon. I do it all the time."

"Go Amy! All the time!?"

"I know right? Then he says, "well you never do it wide enough, come on Fowler, make those hips work for it."

"Shut up! He said that?" Bernie slapped Penny on the arms. Penny squealed and continued.

"I know! Then Amy says, "My hands are sweaty, I can't get a good grip." Sheldon says to her sorry," Penny starts to laugh uncontrollably, "Then he says, 'my shaft is bent, it's hard to hold onto."

Bernadette spit her wine out like a spray onto the floor. "NO WAY! His shaft?"

Penny started laughing, "Then the best one of all, Amy lets out some grunts and groans. Sheldon says to her in a condescending tone, "I like your strong stroke, but your follow through leave a lot to be desired."

"Oh my god! What an ass! I knew he was a fixer upper, but damn. We have got to talk to her about how he speaks to her. She deserves better than taht. She needs to that bastard in line!"

"Oh, don't worry about Ames, she's got him on a leash. She told him off about it, she says, "Well, Sheldon if you kept you equipment in proper working order, and didn't hide it away for years for fear anyone touching it, you wouldn't have gotten off so easy."

"Damn! Good for her! That's my girl!"

Penny leaned in, "Then Sheldon says, "Well Amy, I got it off right away, what's your excuse?"

"That son of bitch, I'll kill him!" Smoke was coming out of Bernadette's ears as she raged.

"Wait it gets better!" Penny giggled, "So Amy told him off some more. She said, Sheldon, my dear, it may take me longer, but at least I know how to find the spot."

"Oh really, so Sheldon is really the Flash in bed huh? Good thing he has that stupid costume. Sex god, my ass."

"Sex god?"

"Yeah, Stuart said, that Zack said Sheldon was a sex god!"

Penny was not expecting to hear that name tonight, "Zack? My ex?"

"Oh, I didn't tell you? Stuart ran into Zack. Mrs. Wolowitz told me that Stuart said Zack saw Sheldon buy Amy all kinds of Sex toys and tried to undress her in a store!"

"Sex toys? I don't believe it! Zack is an idiot. He probably heard it wrong."

"He's too dumb to know how to lie."

"That's true. Damn. Shelly buying sex toys. He probably thought he was at Petco or something buying a chew toy for Raj's dog."

"Chew toy, what do you mean?"

"Nevermind." Penny looked away and called the waitress over.

"Speaking of chew toy, let order something. I had to watch flesh-eating bacteria devour rodents today, and it always make me hungry."

"Ugh, between Sheldon and his clean balls, and you with your zombie bacteria, I don't want to eat anything. Anyway! Let me finish about what I heard!"

"Oh yeah, did you knock on the door? Did you walk in and find them going at it?"

"Yes on the knock, no on the walking in part... I knocked on the door. I couldn't go in because it was locked. By the way, they never lock the damn door. Anyway, there was all kinds of commotion and then Sheldon answered the door all in a huff. He was all sweaty but trying to act coy. I looked down and guess what I saw?"

"WHAT?"

"His shirt was inside out!"

"No way! Good for her getting some, but what the hell! I mean, how dare he criticize like that? Who in the hell does that lanky little know it all think he is? He was a virgin too. He lucky Amy is so patient or he would never access his stupid hind brain. Jerk."

"I love the crazy SOB, but he needs to learn how to treat her. I know he could be arrogant about a lot of things, I guess sex is no different. So I go in to the apartment, and there is Amy acting all calm reading a magazine. She didn't think I noticed but she was reading Popular Mechanics."

"Well, that's not too surprising. Amy's odd, she'll read anything."

"Upside down?"

"HA! Red handed!"

"No doubt. I asked them, "Hey guys, watch ya doing?" Sheldon just snorted at me and pushed me out the door. Some about banal chit chat, and their brilliant minds couldn't begin to explain to my level… Malarkey. I couldn't even ask Amy a thing!"

"Sex is the only thing I understand better than them!"

"Better than anyone! I mean with your real world experiences, you could get a Masters, PhD, Post Doc."

Penny rolled her eyes and glared at Bernadette, "I get it, Bernie! I get it. Anyway… Sheldon said they were busy. I have never seen him so quick to get rid of me before. Amy said something like, don't be rude, and he said, but they weren't finished. She said, well, she definitely wasn't finished, but that never seemed to bother him before."

"Oh snap!"

"I know. I got the hell outta there before I witness a Shamy throw down!" Penny finished her story and then sat back in her chair. She was starting to get angry at being left out. Didn't Amy say she was her bestie? What good is a bestie if you can't hear all the dirt? "How could she keep this a secret for so long? Its' him!" Penny glared her eyes in the distance. "It's Sheldon! He is keeping her from us."

"He's keeping her quiet. We need to get her alone, hopped up on wine, and she'll fold like a lawn chair. Then we can get the dirt. Those two need to have lesson on sex."

"Well, class is in session.

"Okay, I've had it with him! We got to ask Amy what the hell is going on!"

"I'm worried if he is there, she'll just lie about it. She has that non-disclosure clause since the Valentine's day kiss thing."

Bernadette snorted and waved off the notion, "I know, but that's stupid."

Penny agreed, "I mean of course she was going to tell us about it. It was the most exciting then that ever happened to her!"

"And what the hell, that skinny low down hypocrite. He kissed the hell outta her in front of god and everyone on that train, but he can't give her a New Year's Eve kiss?"

"I can't believe I am saying this, but maybe he wanted to make it more… you know… hot."

"Now that I know better I think he did. Still I don't like he tells her what to say to her friends."

"He's a private person. That's non-disclosure thing is his way to protect her from our teasing too, he said. Also, but she got her date night kiss outta the deal."

"She's getting more than that now. I know they are worried we are going to tease them, but damn, Sheldon has been giving Howie crap for years about his sex drive. It's time he got some of the crap thrown back in his bony little face!"

Penny thought about it, "We really need more intel. We have to go the source! We need a confrontation. Or really good cameras."

"Howie and Raj tried the camera thing on Sheldon before to catch him doing something. It won't work. He's like camera sniffing dog. Besides, I don't want to give Howie anymore of his allowance for a new camera."

A low voice floated from the darkened corner behind the ladies, "You could tell him you are going out and then try and catch them red handed or with their pants down, whatever the case may be. You have to blackmail Sheldon. It's the only way you'll get Cooper to cop to coitus."

Penny knew the voice and soon the face. Wil Wheaton appeared at the table, smiling and holding a beer. "Wil? What the hell are you doing at this bar?"

WIl held up his bottle with pride, "This place has the largest selection of IPA in the San Gabriel Valley. Ordering wine here should be a crime, by the way."

Bernadette was unimpressed with Wil's swagger, "How long have you been there eavesdropping on us?"

"The whole time. Got some great stuff for twitter, by the way."

"NO WAY! Then they'll know we are on to them!"

"Don't worry, I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that to Amy. Sheldon can suck it, but Amy a high class dame. Bitchy director though. Also, she'd also kill me."

"Yeah, she packs a mean punch."

Penny held her jaw, "And purse. But she doesn't need her sex life in cyber space. NO TWITTER, Wil!"

"Well, I agreed. I also agree with you about Sheldon and Amy pounding the punanni pavement."

"Huh?"

"Sex. If he knows her anymore in the "Biblical sense" they are going to start reading her in church. And I got the proof!"

The two ladies leaned into Wil, their new gossipy Gertie, and baited him on, "Do tell!"

"Well, the other day, I was at the new comic book store when Sheldon came in. He didn't see me at first and was looking at the stacks when his phone rang. He turned and answered. I couldn't believe what I heard, so I recorded it on my phone."

"Get outta town! Let's hear it."

"Okay, let me lead you up to this part. Sheldon answers, and says hi to Amy. He does a couple nods and says. Well, I know you did it all the time before I came along, but you show do it the right way. Then he tells her, I don't care what Gerard says."

"NO Frickin way! She told him about Gerard?"

"Yeah, that part tripped me up. Who's Gerard."

Bernie put her head down, unwilling to reveal Amy's intimate secrets, but Penny was washing in a bottle of wine, and had no compunction to dish out the dirt. "Her toothbrush."

"She named her toothbrush? Well, that makes sense later. Anyway, Sheldon tells her to put on the protection they got last week. He said well, you better get used to the feel of Latex little lady. That's when I got my phone out."

"OH my god, they must have been talking about the condoms from Planned Parenthood!"

Penny squealed, "I know! Play the tape… Play it!"

The three herded around WIl's phone like they were gathered around a fire listening to Christmas stories. Only this story had a little less Santa and a lot more Claws. The speakers cracked with static, then they heard Sheldon's voice loud and clear.

"Good. I am glad you're finally listening to me. Now get on your knees. I know, its dirty, but it's the best angle. Reach down and rub around. Do it slowly, spread you fingers everywhere. Good. Can you feel it all wet? Good. Now, get your toothbrush. Yes, you should turn it on! Now make little circles. Especially around that one nub at the top. Good, I can hear you. Reach back, feel it burn off. Oh Amy, you're hurting my ears with your moaning and yelling. Was it a big one? As big as the one I had last week? Did you get it off? Good. See that's how you do it. I'll show you again in person. Next time we do it, Amy, I want to see you on your knees begging for me to teach you! Tell Gerard he's fired. Okay, glad I could help. Bye."

"Holy sweet mother of god!" Bernadette made the sign of the cross. Penny couldn't keep her mouth closed.

"What the frack?"

"Aren't you glad I recorded that?"

"Um.I don't know…. Holy crap!" Penny was just amazed. That was worse than what Mrs. Cooper heard.

Wil Wheaton begged, "You guys have got to let me put that on YouTube!"

Both women screamed, "NO!"

"Fine! Buzz kill." Wil put away his phone and slugged back his beer. "Anyway, your problem is you will never get Sheldon to admit he is shaboinking Amy. He will fake a heart attack before he spills the beans. So, catch them at it. Penny, if you had a key to the apartment, you could have caught them. You need leverage and here it is, ladies."

"Yeah, I could have gotten leverage today if stupid Shelly didn't take away my key when I took the last of his egg nog. Jerk."

Bernadette mind was hatching a plan that would make the Battle of Britain look like a spur of the moment soiree. "Okay, Penny. Let's go. We need to gather the troops, get the bait, set the trap and wait for the "Flash" to make his appearance. Then we confront them like a cheating louse on courtroom shows."

Wil slapped his hands together, "Yeah! I want to be there."

"For this to work, we need everyone there. Hmm.. Time to send the rallying cry across the land. Bring your evidence to prove Shamy is knocking boots." Bernadette held up her glass and Penny tapped it then guzzled.

Penny was finally feeling the effect of the grape, "Yep! Because from what I just heard, they are churning more butter than a dairy farmer! More wine!"

Wil Wheaton shook his head, "More beer, Penny… Beer! It's not a wine bar, oh never mind…"

A/N: Just a couple notes. Wil Wheaton is known for loving IPA beers and frequents bars in the Pasadena area. Eagle Rock is small neighborhood of Los Angeles between Glendale and Pasadena.

Thanks to MPHS95 for help with the chapter. She helped me be nicer to Penny and Bernadette. I've been told I was a little hard on the gals.

What do you think? And what's gonna on? Leave your guess below. I loved to hear them!