Hearsay Evidence Presentation: Part I

It was akin to the labors of Hercules getting Amy and Sheldon to meet that week. Finally, a night was set for the confrontation.

The group agreed to meet a non-public location of Los Robles Avenue. They hoped Sheldon and Amy would divulge more and with any luck, tell all the salacious details. Also, Howard hoped there might be visual aids, which would be inappropriate for the Cheesecake Factory, which was Leonard's first choice. No one asked IF they should confront the couple, so much as how they were going to confront them. There was a lively debate over how to extract the confessions.

Bernadette, Howard and Wil Wheaton wanted to catch them in the act with cameras and hidden mics. There was talk of renting a projector to show clips of the couple doing the deed. Wil had dibs on the footage for his internet show.

Penny had the old standby of getting Amy and Sheldon drunk on Long Island Iced teas in order to loosen their lips. Then Penny wanted to tie Sheldon up and surround him with dirty socks and say ofTen with a T to get him to crack.

Stuart wanted to threaten Sheldon with a dunk tank and his prize comics. The tank would be empty of course because Stuart couldn't bare the idea of the comics getting wet, but Sheldon wouldn't know that.

Emily wanted to kidnap Amy, have Sheldon fight through a maze of knives and traps that could only be opened if he revealed a secret. In the end, Amy would be saved only if they agreed to do the deed right there in the final chamber.

Mrs. Cooper wanted to take him to church and get Jesus to reveal the truth, through the swift hand of God's redemption upside the head.

Raj wanted to have Bollywood dance off and have Sheldon and Amy reenact a scene from Raj's favorite movie. But the gang told him there was no way anyone would agree to that, and besides, they couldn't rent an elephant on such short notice.

Leonard was the voice of reason. He said the group should do the unthinkable: Just ask them. He also had the crazy thought they wouldn't want to be confronted in front of the other gender so they should ask their questions in separate locations, separating Amy and Sheldon. Everyone agreed, begrudgingly.

Amy attended her impromptu girl's night and the boys gathered at Sheldon's apartment. Leonard brought him home to find Kripke, Stuart, Howard, and Raj. Leonard didn't allow Zack to come, as much as Stuart begged. Bert was not allowed in the apartment per roommate agreement section 10 paragraph 4: No persons whom have hit on one's girlfriends are ever allowed entrance to the apartment. (There was a special exception made for Raj and Howard. ) Wil Wheaton was coming later.

"Oh dear lord, what fresh hell is this? There are more people in the room than the fire marshal will allow." Sheldon looked over the scene in horror. Sheldon turned with fierier rage toward his soon to be ex roommate, "Leonard, the roommate agreement clearly states that any hootenannies, parties or other gatherings must be approved of in advance and must be concluded before 10 PM. When are you all gonna leave?"

Leonard was gracious and in a calm voice said, "Sheldon, sit down, there are some things everyone wants to ask you." Sheldon made his way through the crowd to his customary spot on the leather couch.

Sheldon looked around confused by the eager faces focused on him, "I know what this is about." Sheldon smiled and lent back on the couch, "You all have finally realized I was right all along about Superman's feat of strength and the fact that Lois Lane would be cut in thirds. It took 8 years, but here we are! Look, I could send you an email outlining this concept, but like so many things, you really should just take my word as gospel. It will save you a lot of time and embarrassment."

Howard rolled his eyes. He knew it was going to be a long night, "No Sheldon we have questions about your bedroom activities."

"If you all have questions, I'm not surprised. I'm a genius in so many things and the bedroom is no exception." Sheldon smiled, "Okay, I let you in on the secret…" Sheldon leaned in toward the middle of the room. All five guys did as well with baited breath. "The secret to a good night's sleep? Warm milk and heating pad. I know it's old school, but I can get to sleep in 45 seconds. A minute in a half if I watched the scary scene of Raiders. You guys should try it!"

Kripke rolled his eyes. He only came to hear the juicy details of Sheldon's sex life, "No, Cwooper! We're talking about sex! I heard fwrom Leslie Winkle you were making out in the office!"

Sheldon eyes popped open and shot a confused look at Kripke. "Leslie Winkle? Making what out?"

"Not what! Who?"

"You mean whom?"

"AMY!" All five guys jeered at Sheldon.

Sheldon scanned his memory banks and then gave a look of recognition. "Oh, the day of the fundraiser! Amy had on her fancy purple cardigan and I had the grey suit. She was helping me with my tie. Leslie walked in when she was adjusting it." Sheldon realized what the guys were asking after all, "I was not making out with Amy! I guess she left that part out about the tie?"

"Um, yeah she left that out Cwooper!"

"Did she also leave out the part where she was eviscerated by Amy?" Sheldon was beaming with pride as he told the story, "Oh you should have heard Amy rip her sheds. It was poetry. You guys should have seen Amy. She made a hornet look cuddly." Before Sheldon could say anymore, Amy came bursting through the apartment door yelling back toward Penny's place:

Amy scream at the hall, "I told you! I won't talk about it without Sheldon! Now back off before I remind you why I'm on the no fly list!"

Sheldon swallowed and looked at his fuming girlfriend, "HEY, she looked like that!"

Amy almost ran to the couch and glared at Howard to get out of her spot. He cowered down and scuttled off the floor. Amy sat down with a slump and looked at Sheldon with a quivering lip. She was shaking. Sheldon quickly grabbed her hand. "What in the devil is going on? Amy are you okay?"

"No, Sheldon I'm not. Our so called friends thought it was a good idea to grill me on our sex life!"

"Excuse me?" Sheldon sprung up ready for a fight. Amy was shaking and glowering at the four women who had rushed in to the apartment. Bernadette was holding an open lap top.

"Amy, we're sorry but Emily said…." Penny slumped down on the arm of the beige couch next to Leonard. Bernadette and Emily sat on the chairs next to their dates. Everyone's eyes were on Amy and Sheldon.

Amy cut off what Penny was saying, "Yeah, they said I gave you a hickey!"

Sheldon looked at Amy with shock, "I'm sorry, what?"

Emily spoke up, "Your subcutaneous ecchymosis. It's a hickey! I told you that!"

Sheldon subconsciously held his neck where the spot used to be and almost growled at Emily, "This is not a hickey! Not what you think!"

"Look pal, I'm a dermatologist. I know what a hickey looks like."

"Well, someone should take your medical license away. First off, have you heard of patient doctor confidentiality?" All eyes were on Emily. It was then that everyone realized that she really did violate his rights by revealing his diagnosis. Emily seemed un-phased.

"Of course I have! I've been to medical school! You have to have harm from the disclosure. You're fine, you baby."

"Oh so you don't think that having all my friends sit around accusing me of what you said isn't causing harm? Guess again… Doctor! If I can even call you that! You should go back for a refresher course from that medical school. You may have your school yard names for subcutaneous ecchymosis, but it doesn't explain the cause."

Emily crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her head with smug grin, "What is the cause?"

Sheldon mirrored her actions, "You're the doctor, can you think of any other explanation?"

Amy turned and whispered to Sheldon, "You don't owe them an explanation, Sheldon. Just leave it."

"No, I want to show her she is wrong!" Sheldon glared at Emily, "I guess they don't explain in skin doctor school that correlation does not imply causation. Here is your causation: Amy knew I was upset about my barber being on medical leave, AGAIN! She order this thing off the internet called a Flowbee. It cuts your hair with a vacuum attachment. The results were, let's say, less than favorable."

"What about the scratches I saw? And Amy wearing a turtle neck?"

Amy winced remembering the tool, "I tried it out on myself first. I accidently caught it in my hair, and cut my neck when I had to use a scissors to remove it. That should have been my first clue it wouldn't work." Amy pulled her hair around her neck and showed where a chuck of hair was missing from near her neck.

Sheldon pointed to Amy's hair, "There! No hickeys! Just a haircut malfunction."

Amy chuckled, "And far too much wine while watching late night infomercials…" Amy looked away from Sheldon's disapproving gaze.

Stuart popped in the conversation, "Was it also too much wine talking when you bought over 500 bucks worth of lingerie for Amy?"

Both Amy and Sheldon looked at each other in horror and then back at Stuart, "How in the hell do you…"

Before they could answer, Howard popped in, "You told me it was sex toys!"

"No, I said lingerie and sex toys. You should learn to listen, Howard." Stuart looked up in disgust.

Howard seethed at Stuart, "I did listen, Stuart. You just told it wrong! You also said he took off her bra in the store!"

Amy raised her voice to cut off the cat fight between Stuart and Howard, "HOLD IT! What in the hell are you two talking about? Sheldon didn't buy me 500 bucks of anything, let along sex toys and lingerie! He certainly didn't take off my bra! Where are you…" Amy smiled and snapped her fingers, "Oh… dumb Zack…"

Sheldon tapped his head remembering, "Ahh… that was the day we were shopping for Pen.."

Amy cut him off, "Shhh!"

"What shhh? Tell me!" Penny sat up. She knew her name even when only the first 3 letters were out.

Sheldon looked at Amy and she shrugged her shoulders, "It's out now. Might as well..."

Sheldon looked to Stuart and Howard and started with a lecture tone, "First off, it was only 150 dollars and Amy and I were supposed to split it." He turned to Amy and whined, "I really don't see why I have to pay for a bachelorette gift and a bridal shower. It seems redundant."

"I told you why, Sheldon! Besides you owed me for your little stunt in the store..." Amy crossed her arms over her chest while Sheldon looked down and blushed.

Penny shook her finger at Sheldon, "HA! Caught you! You did take off Amy's bra in 8 seconds."

"I unsnapped it only, and it was 3 seconds, thank you very much." Sheldon smiled till her saw Amy's face. He quickly added, "And as I quickly learned, completely inappropriate, even if you wanted to give a demonstration on the quickest method to undo a nursing bra."

Amy looked over to Sheldon, "I told you, Penny doesn't want a nursing bra demonstration at her bridal shower."

Penny looked horrified, "I really don't. I mean like… really don't."

"Fine! Live in ignorance. When I explained my new found technique to my sister she seemed receptive. I don't see why you all are so special that you couldn't be enlightened by my brilliance."

Kripke chimed in, thoroughly annoyed with the banter, "Can we get back to the sex toys, please. Lwike the rwocket?"

Amy snapped at Kripke, which shut him up, "We didn't buy any sex toys! God! What kind of gift do you think we got for Penny?"

Leonard finally spoke up, "I don't know. A few toys wouldn't be so bad…"

Sheldon looked completely annoyed, "No toys! Just over priced lacy things that Penny won't keep on long enough to get the money's worth outta of them anyway. If Alex was a REAL personal assistant, would have just bought it all, we could have avoided the whole mess."

"Again, Sheldon. We talked about how getting your assistant to buy lingerie is completely inappropriate! Mrs. Davis agreed."

"Well, if you would have done my idea, which was practical, educational and informative. But it was rejected!" Sheldon snorted and looked at Amy.

Amy was exasperated by the repeat of the conversation she had with him too many times before, "Pamphlets from Planned Parenthood, demonstrations on condom application and samples of birth control pills are completely unsuitable gifts for a bridal shower, Sheldon. We discussed this at length!"

"I don't see why not. I mean, family planning is critical stage of any premarital contract."

"And about four years late! They have been having sex for a while now. They don't need a lecture about birth control from you before their wedding!"

"Well, I don't want to be Uncle so soon. They need to be careful!" Amy and Sheldon were bunting back and forth so much, they didn't realize they were in a room surrounded by people till Penny spoke up.

Penny snapped at Sheldon, "Sheldon, it's none of your business!"

Sheldon didn't miss a beat, "Right back at ya, Sister!" Penny got up to get a glass of wine. It was going to be a long evening.

Bernadette looked at Howard, "THAT'S why they were at Planned Parenthood! They weren't getting ready for a baby!"

"A baby ?!" Both Amy and Sheldon looked at each other in horror.

"Yeah. Howie's mother thinks family planning mean you two are Planning a Family. She is so excited about your baby, she is starting to knit booties and little sleeping caps with comic book heroes. She almost has the Flash done, and she started on Superman!"

Amy looked mortified and checked to see if Sheldon had passed out. Surprisingly, he was still conscious.

Sheldon asked, "You mean like little red boots with a lightening bolts?"

"Yeah, and matching caps with the symbol on the head."

Amy snapped at Sheldon, "THAT"S YOUR TAKE AWAY?" Sheldon looked around and bit his lip.

Raj squealed in delight, "Oh that sounds delightful!"

Bernadette grumbled, "Yeah, fricking adorable! She thinks Amy would make a better daughter in law than me, by the way!" Bernadette eyes were like lasers on Howard.

"Hey, I can't help it Amy charmed the pants off of her with her cookies and babies. Thanks Amy! Now if I don't pop out a kid, I'm just the useless Shikse that her baby boy is schuping!"

"Speaking of pants… Cwooper! Doing some horizontal hustle at the office with no pants.. Nice!" Kripke raised his beer to Sheldon, but Sheldon looked completely confused.

"Good, god, Kripke, what are you imagining now?" Sheldon pulled his shirt from his neck. He had explained to Amy his braggart conversation with Kripke, but the confession was not well received. He was awarded his first Amy Farrah Fowler strike and had to take HER class. He didn't want a repeat of that.

Kripke hadn't a clue all the things Sheldon said to him weren't true. But he had new information, "Mrs. Davis told me all about it. So did Amy's boyfriend, Bert."

"BERT IS NOT HER BOYFRIEND!" Sheldon voice rumbled through the apartment loud enough for Penny to come running from across the hall still holding the unopened wine.

"Ooh, are you getting to the office sex part?" Penny unscrewed the cap on the wine and poured a glass.

"What office sex? What are you talking about?!" Sheldon was confused and annoyed.

Kripke told his tale, "Mrs. Davis said she caught you coming out the basement all sweaty and you were asking Alwex questions about a woman's flwexablity.." Kripke raised his eyes brows and sucked in his lower lip as he leered at Amy. Sheldon was enraged.

Sheldon snapped at Kripke, "Quit looking at her!" Amy smiled at him. Sheldon softened his gaze and spoke to her, "Mrs. Davis is completely misunderstanding the situation, yet again. God that woman is clueless, isn't she?"

Amy tapped Sheldon's leg, "Don't worry about it. You're allowed to have secrets, Sheldon. Tell them nothing."

Sheldon smiled and glowered to the group, "Yes, nothing! It's none of your bee's wax anyway, you nosy nellies!"

Kripke was crest fallen, "Wait, what about the kinky sexy time tapes, Cwooper? You told me about them during fwun fwith Flwags!?"

Sheldon looked away, but Amy screeched like a banshee, " KINKY SEXY TIME TAPES?!"

Sheldon swallowed, "Kripke, there are no kinky sexy time tapes. It was something else."

The whole room let out a collective groan of disenchantment.

Amy glared at Sheldon," Strike two, Sheldon…" Sheldon swallowed hard, but smiled when he saw glint of sympathy in Amy's voice, "Tell him nothing!"

"Wait, no sex tapes? No sex toys? No rwocket?"

"Sorry, Kripke…" Amy shrugged her shoulders and smiled smugly at Kripke.

"I'm outta here!" Kripke got up to leave, and was met a new face at the door just as he was exiting the room. Wil Wheaton arrived with a six pack of IPA and a huge smile, "Hey guys, I didn't miss the sex tape part did I?"

The entire group shot back to Wil Wheaton with a shout dripping with bitter disappointment. "There are no sex tapes!"

Just then a voice laden with a heavy Texas accent crackled over the lap top speakers, "Good! I don't think I could hear that again out of my little boy's mouth!"

Sheldon eyes bugged out of his head when he finally noticed the lap top on the table. Bernadette turned it to show Sheldon a perfect view of a smiling woman.

"MOTHER?" Sheldon voiced raised as high a screeching teen age girl. "Are you in on this too?"

"Yes, dear. Now let's get to the carpet cleaning part, shall we honey? I got to go to church social tonight and I need to pick up some potato salad on the way."

"Oh dear Lord…"

"Watch that mouth, son…"

A/N: Sorry for the cliff hanger, folks. I had to break it up into two chapters. It was too long. I wont make you wait, though.

What do you think so far? Most will be revealed in next chapter. I might have an epilogue. I will ask you about it when it is done.

Kripke had to go. Two reasons, One, he would taint the proceeding with false information and two, he's too hard to write. I hope you wont miss him.