Hearsay Evidence Presentation Part 2

or the Grapevine Gives up only Sour Grapes and lot of Whine

Sheldon was bellowing at his unsympathetic mother on the screen, "Mother! What is name of all that's holy are you doing with this juvenile inquisition?"

"Oh son, 'All that's holy' has nothin' to do with what I heard on the computer that night, Shelly."

"What night, mother, to what are you referring?"

"The last time you were on Skype with me? Remember? I was telling you about crazy ol' Gladys down at the Piggy Wiggy. You know, the one who's as tall as she is wide. Well, she found this fella, she but turns out, not a fella after all!"

"Oh, god, not that story again, mother. Yes, and Gladys is very happy.. The end... Of course I remember, why do you even ask? I was on Skype, I hung up when Amy came over."

"Uh, yeah, son, ya didn't…"

"I didn't?

"You heard…" Sheldon gulped and looked at Amy, "Everything?"

"Everything son… Including you telling her to lick the tip and take it all in! You know Oral sex, is still sex, right hon? Don't believe what that louse Bill Clinton tells ya. It's still a sin, if you're not married! Afterward ya'all get married, well, more power to ya!"

Amy put her face in hands and let out a moan, Sheldon eyes took up half the surface area on his face. "MOTHER! For god sake! Jesus!"

"You watch that tone now, boy! I'm fine with you doodling your little girlfriend over there cause I'm praying ya'll gonna get married soon before we need them baby booties from Howard's mother. But, you listen to me now. I won't abide to taking the lord's name in vain, son. No siree."

"Sorry, ma'am."

Amy shot up, "Mrs. Cooper, hold on, let me see if I can clear this up. Amy stood up, took off her sweater and handed to Sheldon. She immediately went to the kitchen and start fussing around. Sheldon looked smug as he watched her work. The whole room was silent. Amy curled her finger up to Sheldon and he ran over to the kitchen. She handed him a glass baking pan. They both came over to the living room and were out of view of the computer.

"SHELDON! I don't have all night!" Mrs. Cooper was looking at her watch wishing she stopped at the Piggy Wiggy for Potato salad before this SKype call.

"Sorry, Mrs. Cooper. Is what you heard sound a little like this?" Mary Cooper heard the same sounds of a woman getting pleasured coming from the room.

"Sweet lord a'mercy, they're doing it again, in front of everyone!"

Amy snapped, "Sheldon, I told you, spread it more. I know you hate it slippery, but it's worth it! Oh my you do have strong fingers."

"Sweet Jesus, don't forsake us! He's doing it to her again." Mary Cooper held her chest as she listened to the sounds that made her mother's heart ache.

"Oh, Sheldon, don't be so coy. You have to hit it harder or you won't get it to work!" Mrs. Cooper heard the same slapping sounds. The whole group moaned and rolled their eyes. Mrs. Cooper was still clueless.

"What in tarnation is going on?"

Leonard leaned over the computer and told Mrs. Cooper finally, "It's nothing Mrs. Cooper, their making a cake or something. Sheldon is slapping the side of pan so the flour can get around the sides, Amy is mixing the cake batter."

Sheldon shook his head at his ignorant friend, "Brownie batter, thank you very much! We had a brownie making contest. The results have yet to be determined!"

Amy scoffed, "HA! I totally had you, Sheldon! My brownies were orgasmic perfection! You even said so!"

Sheldon cocked his head to side and gave her a haughty look, "I said they were good, not what you just said."

Amy smirked at him, "Yours were burned. I told you not to put it in oven so quick!"

"You're the one who was impatient! You had to lick the spoon. Making a mess, I might add!"

"Well, you wouldn't let me just take a taste, I had to eat the whole spoon and lick it clean!"

"You were going to make a mess on the counter!" Sheldon placed the pan on the counter and washed his hands. Amy and Sheldon continued to banter about brownies while the group moaned again in defeat. "You took it out too soon!"

"Yeah, because you were going to burn them with your strict adherence to the recipe. Mine were melt in your mouth perfect. Like my figgy pudding I might add! So neerer neerer!

Raj held his stomach, "If they are better than that pudding, I want brownies now. Amy are you going to finish?"

Sheldon scolded him with a stiff finger of justice pointed at his disappointed face, "NO BROWNIES for you, or anyone!" Sheldon moved back to the computer, Amy continued in the kitchen finishing off the batch. "See mother? You should have said something instead of rubbernecking in on our contest!"

"Well, I'm sorry honey, but what I heard next was not brownies, let me tell you. Besides I heard you tell Amy you saw here naked before! Can't mistake that for brownies!"

Sheldon waved his hand and shook his head, "I saw Amy naked when I gave her a bath when she was sick, Mother!"

The whole group gasped at what Sheldon said. The girls knew the tale of Sheldon sponge bath that was given from a ruse and not lust. They were unimpressed. Mary Cooper however, did not know the story, and felt the need to education her naïve son, "Hon, giving your girlfriend a bath naked is a short road to sinning."

Amy had finished with the brownies and leaned her head in the frame, "It really wasn't Mrs. Cooper. That was like two years ago and was not the road to sinning, let me tell you." Amy shot Sheldon a look and he looked away with a blush. "Anyway, what we did after that is none of anyone business. I'm sorry Mrs. Cooper, not even yours! Sheldon doesn't want to tell anyone!"

Mrs. Cooper sat up, ready for a fight, "Look dear, until you marry that boy, you can't tell him what to do. That's my job!"

"I am not telling him what to do. I am listening to what he asked me to do. He doesn't want to discuss it. And I won't! I listen to what he wants regardless of my own needs, because I love him. It's more than I can say for this group!" Amy looked around with a renewed rage, "You have no business bothering him. Sheldon is a private person and you all know that. Quit badgering him! He doesn't want to discuss it, so leave him alone!" Amy was shaking with rage, but the warm hand on her arm distracted her.

"It's okay Amy. I don't care now."

"But Sheldon, I made you a promise!"

"And you kept it! It's my choice to tell them. If you busy bodies must know, I was teaching Amy how to play a game. It is what we were doing in the basement. It was why I asked Alex about a woman's flexibility. I told Mrs. Davis we were exercising!"

Mrs Cooper was still not buying it, "Hon, I know this may be hard for you to hear from you mother, but I know what sex sounds like. And you two were going at it like a sailor on shore leave! Counting and slapping each other like you was having who can have the biggest orgasm contest! Sounds like 50 Shades of Sheldon Cooper up in there!"

"MOTHER!" Sheldon had a new shade of red on his face now.

Penny chimed in, "Well, sweetie, it's true. I heard you were getting Amy naked, having her put on some sexy outfit and then riding her like a mechanical bull at the honky tonk. You even said her hands were like magic."

Sheldon batted Penny's words away, "Oh, I tell her that all the time! The Magic thing, not the bull thing."

"HA! You are doing it! I knew it!" Penny was so pleased she slapped Leonard on the shoulder. He winced and asked Sheldon, "What were you guys doing?"

"A game, I told you." Sheldon looked away.

Emily spoke up loudly, "What game involves a whip, counting and slapping sounds, cause I want to play it!"

Sheldon looked down took a deep breath, and then raised his eyes up and said flatly, "Hacky Sack."

"HACKY SACK?"

Mary snorted and let out a short laugh, "Oh, that! You've been playing that for years, hon. Did you ever get past 43 times?"

Sheldon seemed elated to talk about now, "No mother, but Amy did! She was all over the map at first, she even managed to kick me in the shin. That's what you heard, mother. Amy is master over the central nervous system, so she rubbed the pain away. Anyway, after the risk of injury was abated by moving the furniture, she picked it right away. She is a natural once you get her out of her skirt."

Amy shook her head and put it in her hands. Mary started laughing, "See, hon. That's what's gettin' you in trouble here. You sayin' stuff like that and people mis-hearing it."

Amy had enough, "No, Mrs. Cooper. What is getting Sheldon in trouble is has nosy friends who can't let him have any secrets without giving him the third degree." Amy pointed around the room with a renewed ire, "You all mock him constantly. Why on earth would he share something like that with you? He had one thing he liked to do. He was kind enough to let me in on it, because he knew I wouldn't ridicule him. He couldn't say that from you people. He made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone."

Bernadette piped in, "Is that what you were doing when I saw you all sweaty in the back seat?"

"No, Howard's car is a stick shift, so I was showing Sheldon how to drive a manual transmission. We were in the front seat while we waited for you."

Howard chimed in, "Why didn't you just ask me?"

"HA! You wouldn't let him near your front seat after the parking spot thing. Don't worry, I was in the driver seat. I just wanted to show him the foot work, we never put the car in gear. But he became too nervous that you guys would make fun of him, he pushed me out of the car, and I ripped my shirt on the door handle. Your ridicule of him is very hurtful. He doesn't trust you and after tonight, I think he is right not to!"

Mrs. Cooper started to laugh uncontrollably. "Good, lord Amy, you are a saint! I love a feisty woman who defends her man! You keep on doing what you're doing, I gotta get to my meetin'! Oh, and I'll send you a brownie recipe that will bring Sheldon to his knees!" Mary added quickly when she saw Amy blushing face, "But not in the sinning way I thought before. Although, after he eats these brownies, he might just be sinning after all!"

"MOTHER!"

"Oh, hush up, Shelly. Amy deserves a little turn around the rodeo with a prize bull! Loosen you up a little!"

"MOTHER!"

"Gotta go folks! Have fun, and be nice to my boy. Bye ya'all!"

There was a chorus around the room with various good byes and Mary Cooper was gone. As soon as the lap top closed, Sheldon shifting eyes were directed toward Leonard, "YOU CALLED MY MOTHER?!"

Leonard put his hands up in defense, "Hey, she called me, pal! She wanted me to give you the talk!"

"From what I heard, Shelly should be giving the talk!" Penny raised her eyes at Amy and licked her lips, "Except for his bent shaft, he seems to know how to handle himself. Ames, you lucky girl!"

Sheldon rolled her eyes, "Oh dear lord, will it never end! What are you talking about now?"

Penny almost jumped with glee to have her chance. She was sure she had the damning evidence that would prove once and for all as Penny put it, "Shamy was doing the deed! "

"Well, the other day, I heard you guys. I was outside the door, and Sheldon was…"

Sheldon held his chest, "Wait, you were listening to Amy and I at the door? Like a common spy? Who are you, the NSA?"

"Oh, I'm much better than the NSA!"

"Yeah, not a compliment, Penny!" Leonard offered, but Penny brushed him off.

"Well, I had to listen at the door cause the damn thing was locked!"

"That should have been your first clue to stay away, you nosey parker!"

"Well, you never lock the door, Sheldon! Anyway, thank god it was locked, or I would have walked in while Amy was washing your balls and you were spreading her legs!"

The rest of the room gasped and looked at Sheldon and Amy. They couple looked at each other with a blank expression and then just busted out laughing. The rest of the room was not amused.

Sheldon said between breaths, "Leave it to Penny to think an innocuous game is sex. My god, woman."

"Imagine if we were playing twister! Then she would have something to talk about!" Amy was holding her stomach from laughing.

"Fine! What in the hell did I hear, and don't tell me you were making mac and cheese or something!"

"Golf, Penny. Sheldon was teaching me golf. I have to go on a fundraising trip and the president of the University plays golf. He thought if we were to play with the donors, we would get bigger donations. I never played, so Sheldon showed me the basics." Amy laughed as she went over to the oven and took out the brownies. Raj let out a whimper when he smelled the heavenly aroma.

"GOLF! I should have known!" Leonard sat back, "That's why you asked for help with the storage unit! You wanted to get the clubs!"

"Yes. It's been a while since I used them. A futile game that is a complete waste of land, water…"

Amy added quickly, "and ugly material used to make golf pants." Sheldon glowered at her.

Amy smiled and handed Sheldon a fresh baked brownie with a smile. The rest of the group got a dirty look, "I don't know, Amy. I did pretty well, right?"

"Yes, Sheldon, the pair you made me are great!" Amy walked away before he could see her twitch.

Howard chimed in, "Wait, you made Amy golf pants?"

Sheldon finished his brownie bite and swallowed, "Of course. You know I am a master of the sewing arts and tailoring. Remember our Riddler costumes? Same pattern. Except Amy's hips are much wider. Like so much wider!"

Amy rolled her eyes, "He gets it Sheldon." She handed him a glass of milk, hoping he would be quiet. It didn't work.

Sheldon ignored her and continued to explain, "Her waist is small, so it's hard to get the fit right. I had to do some careful measurements…" Amy cut him off.

"They get it, Sheldon." Amy low tone and eye movement finally broke Sheldon from his rant.

"Oh, yes sorry."

Penny taped her wine glass, "Okay hold up! Why were you all nervous, Amy? And you were out of breath, huh? You guys were doing it! Like rabbits! Admit it!"

Amy let out an exasperated sigh and slumped her shoulders, "First off, Penny. Rabbits don't have that much sex! They just have lots of little bunnies. You want to say you are having lots of sex, say like lions. The do the deed every 15 minutes sometimes three times a week!"

Penny was impressed, "Really? Roar!"

Amy smiled, "Yes, roar indeed. To explain the disarray, I had on my new golf pants and I didn't want anyone to see me in them."

"Why?"

Amy said softly, "Because they are not the most flattering, frankly."

Sheldon look hurt, "Hey! They aren't for men to ogle you posterior I don't care how much money your lab needs! They are for making a smooth follow through swings and hearing that wonderful, PING sound. Not for a fashion show!"

Amy mumbled, "That's for sure…"

"Was that what you had on when Mrs. Cooper heard you getting dressed?"

"No, Amy bought an outfit for Hacky Sack practice. First time I've seen her in pants." Sheldon looked over and smiled at Amy, who turned a lovely shade of red. The touching moment was shattered by Wil Wheaton voice.

"Well, folks. All your hearsay arguments are moot. I have direct evidence which is indisputable! None of this 'he said, she said' crap. I got the dirt straight from the horse's mouth! Or Sheldon's as the case may be!" Wil Wheaton was a smug as lottery winner. Sheldon crossed his arms defiantly.

"Do your worst, Wheaton!

"HA! You won't be so confident when you hear what I have on my phone!

Amy looked horrified. A hush fell over the room. The two men eyed each other like gun slingers at the Ok Corral. Howard started to whistle the theme to Good the Bad and Ugly, but Sheldon shot him dead to rights, "NO WHISTLING! FIRST WARNING!"

"Fine! Kill Joy!"

Wil gave a devious smile and said, "Oh, from what I heard, he is anything but, right Amy?"

Sheldon put his arm across Amy like a shield, "You leave her out of this, Wil Wheaton!"

"Oh I wish I could. Should I play it? What I heard you say to her? Afterwards, we should check her knees for rug burns."

Amy breathed fire through her nose. The rest of the group thought that was little too far as well. Raj was the first to say anything, "Hey! Uncool dude. Even if they are making sweet tender love, they don't need to be inspected to prove it!"

"I don't know how tender it was, but is sure sounded sweet. Let me play it for you." Wil Wheaton pulled out his phone and played the recording. The rest of the group hadn't heard the original tape, just hearsay from Penny and Bernadette. The group was gasping at some of the phrasing, like on your knees, getting dirty and when the name Gerard was heard, the women in the group looked at Amy. Amy face was emotionless. Sheldon was a blank as well. When Wil was done, he pressed the button with a little too much enthusiasm and let out a smug snort.

Sheldon sat up in his spot with a hardened expression. Amy sat up as well and looked at Sheldon with a narrow gaze. They seemed to almost communicate telepathically. Sheldon smiled and looked over to Amy's arm and gave her nod. "Do it!"

Amy unbuttoned the sleeve on her blouse and rolled it up. There on her arm was a large burn with a spattering of smaller burn marks. She lowered her head and growled at Wil Wheaton, "Oven cleaner."

Wil Wheaton did know what to say, "What? Oven cleaner?"

Emily came over and looked at Amy's arm, "Yep, she's right. Oven Cleaner. I see this all the time, use a topical antibacterial cream."

Amy smiled at Emily and addressed the group, "Yes, Sheldon was teaching me how to clean an electric oven. I heard from Chef Gerard DeMonico, that one should not clean an electric oven with oven cleaner. It disturbed the taste of the food."

"And I told you that French chef may know how to make 40 different sauces from fish eggs and snail guts, but he doesn't know clean. The toothbrush helped, huh?"

"Yes it did, thank you."

Sheldon looked worried at Amy's arm, "I should have bought you longer gloves. Forgive me."

"its fine, Sheldon. It just hurt at first. "

"I know, I had the same burn the week before. Really smarts huh?" Sheldon took her arm and rolled down her sleeve to re-button her blouse. Sheldon was unknowingly showing the group his nurturing side that they had rarely, if ever, had seen. Sheldon finished with the sleeve and ran his hand down her arm, for a brief moment with a tender smile. Amy blushed, and tucked her hair behind her ear. Then she looked up to Sheldon with such loving eyes, the group felt they were watching something very special. That's when it hit them, especially Leonard. They had no business prying into someone's personal life, especially a couple as private as Sheldon and Amy.

"Folks, we need to go. Let's give them a moment alone."

Sheldon demeanor changed in an instant, and he sat up like a lion ready to pounce, "Oh really, Leonard? 'Let's give them a minute alone.' What in the devil was all this then? You all assumed you knew everything about us. You know nothing. You know what they say, Assumption is the mother of…"

Amy cut him off, "Assumption is the mother of the Bitch SLAP! If you really thought we were engaging in coitus, do you think we would want you all to be asking us about it in this manner? You are our friends? Really? I don't have much experience with friends, but I know real ones don't pull this crap. Oh and Wil, I want to see YOUR knees after you BEG me for forgiveness for your crass comments. You people need to get a clue. We are not here for your amusement."

Howard had almost a whine as he tried to justify his actions, "Sheldon razed us all the time about sex! He said he was above it and we were lesser men for wanting it."

"Oh Howard please. You used women as your personal sperm bank for years. Sheldon was right, you were ruled by your hind brain. Now that you are in love, and married, would you like it I spread all the details of your bedroom activities like some Yenta? I think not!"

Sheldon stood up, "Here's what's going to happen. Not only does everyone in this room have a three strikes from ME, you also have three strikes from Amy Farrah Fowler. You are all on probation as friends."

"Sheldon! That's harsh, we didn't mean anything by it! We just wanted to know what was happening!"

"Here's an idea! ASK! For now, just get out. We will be discussing the inappropriate, rude, callous.."

"Disrespectful, mean, cruel…"

"Disgusting and frankly juvenile behavior at the class. Wheaton, hand over your phone." Wil slumped over to Sheldon and he deleted the recording. "Okay, every one. Get out! Before I sic Amy on you!"

No one moved fast enough, "Now git!" Sheldon shoo'd them all out.

Each one gave an apology as they left.

Bernadette and Howard were the first to go, "Sorry for the trouble, guys. You can borrow Howie's car anytime to learn to drive stick." Howard looked at Bernadette in horror, "Bernie!" Oh stifle it Howard, he probably drives better than you anyway!"

Next was Wil Wheaton, "Sheldon, I'm sorry man. Are we still friends?"

Sheldon arched his head up, "We'll see. I have to check with Amy. But yes. Amy… not so much…"

Next Emily and Raj made their goodbyes, "Sheldon and Amy, I am sorry for divulging your condition to the group."

"Take it up with the Medical Board, Emily."

Raj smiled at Amy, "He sure loves you, Amy."

"I know Rajesh. Don't let them talk you into this kind of thing again. You're too much of a romantic."

"Good bye, guys." Raj walked down with Emily. Emily asked, "Do you really think he will report me to the board."

Raj swallowed and looked back, "Let's just say, don't miss the class, okay?"

Stuart was the next to leave.

"You've been quiet this evening, Stuart. Nothing else to add to this farce?"

"Well, I just wish I had a group of people so interested in my sex life that they made an evening out of it.

Amy whispered to Sheldon, "He has a point." Sheldon scoffed.

Stuart added as he went out the door, "Oh and I still want to learn that bra thing! Enjoy your night!"

Next person was Penny, "Look guys, you know I love you right?"

Amy let out a sigh, "Yes, Penny. It's hard to be mad at you."

Sheldon looked over to Amy, "No actually, it's quiet easy. I've done it for years!" Sheldon scrunched up his face when Penny gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Last person out was Leonard. He walked sheepishly over to Sheldon with his head held low. "Sorry buddy, I should have known better."

"Yes you should have, Leonard. You always seemed to be the voice of reason. I think you need an extra class."

"Well, I will stay out of your affairs, real or imaginary from now on. You too, Amy. I'm sorry we embarrassed you."

Amy grinned and Leonard started to walk out of the apartment.

He stopped suddenly, and turned to Sheldon, "So wait! We never asked, are you guys having sex?"

"Good night, Leonard. Oh, and you are banned from the apartment for 3 days."

Leonard wailed, "Three Days?!"

"Yes roommate agreement section 13 paragraph 6; when a roommate makes a complete ass of himself by assuming scandalous things about the other roommate without A. checking with said roommate or B. Giving him a heads up about his fiancé's dumb plan, the roommate in question will be banished for an amount of time no less than 3 days! See ya!" Sheldon slammed the door and locked the dead bolt. He could hear Leonard moaning outside the hall, "There is no section like that in the roommate Agreement! I need my clothes!"

Sheldon smug smile couldn't be contained, even with his biting his bottom lip. He watched Amy blossom a huge smug grin on her face. She took a bite from her own brownie and smiled. Sheldon walked toward her slowly, like a large cat stalking his prey.

Amy brushed her hair off her shoulder, and smirked at Sheldon, "So, three days exile for Leonard? Kind of punitive, don't you think?"

"Not at all. Besides, I think after tonight, we deserve a little privacy."

Amy smiled, "Penny forgot to ask why your shirt was on inside out."

Sheldon bit his bottom lip and winked at Amy, "Yes, she did, didn't she?" Sheldon held out his hand, "Now, let's go before the scandalmongers hear something else."

As they walked back to the bedroom, Sheldon smiled and asked, "So, Dr. Fowler, lions huh?"

Amy said with a smug, documentary tone, "Yes… At least three times a week. Every fifteen minutes. Amazing, don't you think?"

Sheldon gripped her by the waist as soon as they reached the bedroom door and pulled her close, "Is that why you call me Mufasa?"

Amy shivered, "Ooh… say it again!"

Sheldon growled into her neck as unsnapped her bra in 2 seconds and kicked the bedroom door closed his foot, "Roar indeed, Amy."

A/N: That's it folks! I hope you enjoyed it. Most of you guess the golf thing. I got the brownie idea from my story Intimacy Collaboration (Shameless plug) I had a few good guesses about the Hacky Sack thing as well. I think the oven cleaner tripped you up a little. I would love know what you think. Fun? Silly? Want to kill Wil Wheaton? I know I do!

It was a blast to write. Anyway, I could ask for reviews for the last chapter? I know I am a review whore. (PS all authors are!)