Hey guys! I'm so sorry, long time no talk! In case you haven't been reading Falling to Pieces too, my computer broke. That's why I haven't been updating. But I'm still thinking about you, still working on it.

This is literally one of my favorite things that I've ever written ever. It was mostly on my iPad, so ignore typos, okay? I did the best I could.

And go grab some tissues because this is so... just freaking emotional. I'm literally crying. Idk how I'm going to end this yet, I'm going to take a day to think about it before I start writing, but there's either one more chapter and an epilogue or just an epilogue. You'll find out soon. And I promise it won't be as long as the last one!

Chapter 21

September

When he woke up that morning he immediately knew that something was different. He lifted his head from the pillows, struck by just how easy the task was. He almost felt well.

He was sure that it was a fluke, that this fleeting moment would pass as quickly as every other good thing in his life. But even still, he would take advantage of this moment of clarity. He pressed a quick kiss to Spencer's temple and pulled his body from the bed.

He was achy, but it was manageable. The options were seemingly endless, but he knew that there was only one real option. So he pulled out the ingredients for his famous chocolate chip pancakes. She wasn't physically sick, but he was aware enough to realize this might be his last opportunity to make them for her.

Making pancakes quietly was a feat, but for the first time in months he felt equal to the task. It wasn't that he was especially hungry, and he knew that Spencer wouldn't be either. She was never hungry in the morning. But he knew that it would make her happy, and that was worth everything.

Time was something he was short on in every sense. He knew that Spencer would wake up soon. His wife was usually up with the sun, and he could see the firy orb peaking over the horizon through their kitchen widow. And as good as he felt now, he could feel the sickness ravaging his already weakened body. He could imagine it in the guise of a childhood cartoon, the malicious cancer cells attacking the innocent natives that were his own cells. Maybe the cancer cells were pirates, pillaging every crevice of his body.

He just shook his head with a raspy laugh. It had to be the meds. He flipped the last pancake and slid it onto the stack. He had prepared more than they would ever eat in one sitting, but that was alright. Chocolate chip pancakes were good for dinner too. They were good for everything, really.

He knocked on her door, nervous for some reason. It wasn't like this was their first date, but it was the first time he had ever surprised her. And he wasn't sure that she would like it, or if she would even come with him. But he was feeling romantic, so it was worth a shot.

Her parents weren't home, and their absence had him feeling considerably more confident. They still didn't like him, and he would never let her realize how much that stung. No one liked him, really. But he liked Spencer an awful lot, and he wanted to be worthy of her. That would never happen when her parents looked down on him. But he wouldn't let that get to him today. Today he was going to try his hand at romance. He sat across the room while Jenna and her mom watched a chick flick the other day, and it gave him an idea.

The door swung open and he jumped slightly, having not heard her approaching. But when he saw her smiling face he relaxed, returning her happy expression. There was something about Spencer, something soothing. He spent so much of his life as a jumbled ball of nerves, jumping at the slightest sound... just assuming that people didn't like him. But it was different when it came to Spencer. He reached for her with his free hand and lifted the picnic basket with the other. "Want to come with me?" He asked softly.

She nodded eagerly, but her smile faltered as she brushed a hand over her hair. "Wait, I'm a mess."

He shook his head. Her messy bun and over sized hoodie might have been simple and relaxed, but God, he had never seen someone look so perfect. "No, you're beautiful."

He had a particular location in mind, but it was all he could do not to pull over and kiss her as he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. Her thin, elegant frame, her soft brown hair, the excitement and happiness in her eyes all worked together to form the literal most beautiful person he had ever laid eyes on. She didn't see what he saw, but that was fine. He would just have to remind her of it every day.

As he backed in to a parking spot he gestured to the pile of blankets in the back with his head. "Can you grab those for me?"

She nodded, still smiling, but her eyes suggested confusion. That was alright, she'd understand soon enough. He grabbed the picnic basket he had swiped from his mother's basement and the wine that he had found in Jenna's room. She talked a big game, but she wouldn't tell on him. She had more than enough to hide. He shivered, unwilling to think of her right now.

He helped Spencer climb into the truck bed and wrapped a thick comforter around her shoulders. Protecting her from the chilly wind was his priority. He sat the basket in front of them. "Okay, I've never put together a picnic before, so don't laugh at me."

She just laughed, shifting into his arms. "I'm sure it's great."

He shook his head, pulling out plates and napkins. "I really can only cook one think, and it's basically the worst picnic food ever. But it's the thought that counts, right?"

"Pancakes?" She laughed, uncovering the plate.

"Chocolate chip pancakes," he clarified nervously.

She twisted and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "It's perfect," she laughed again. "Absolutely perfect."

He was pretty sure he knew in that moment that he loved her. How could he not, with her soft smiles and her way of making him feel like maybe he could actually do something right? He had never felt like he was worth anything until Spencer saw that he was worth something.

The soft beeps of Spencer's alarm took his attention away from the stove. He leaned against the counter and watched the hallway with an expectant smile. Because even now, eight years after that day, she still showed him that maybe he mattered. Maybe he didn't change the world with his life, but he did have an impact on Spencer's life. And she was the most incredible person in the world, so that had to mean something.

But that was also why this was so hard. Because he knew that his death would have an impact on a lot of people. Some would feel guilt over what could have been, some would feel a loss... but no one will feel his death like Spencer would. And that killed him, because what was his purpose then? Because the only time he felt like he was worth anything was when he made Spencer smile. But now he was going to break her. What was his purpose then? What was the meaning of his life other than to destroy an angel?

He swiped away his stray tears as her footsteps got louder. He cleared his face just as she came into view. "Toby?" She questioned, apprehension coloring her face.

She was all bleary eyes and messy hair. She was beautiful. "I made breakfast," he murmured, gesturing behind him.

Her apprehension wiped away and transformed into the widest smile he had seen since this all began. "I have a better idea," she whispered, taking his hand.

A year ago he would have taken her into his arms, lifted her off of her feet, and carried her into their bedroom. But as good as he felt today, that just wasn't possible. He just didn't have the strength to do it any longer. But that didn't matter. As they fell back against the bed, their lips together, and their limps intertwined, he was struck by just how easy it was. They hadn't done this in months, but it felt like they had never stopped. His mind... his heart... they remembered what to do, what she liked for him to do.

As he trailed gentle kisses down her neck he couldn't stop his mind from wondering to the first time they did this. The uncertainty, the excitement and anticipation... it was all so much like that day.

Her family had a tendency to pop up unannounced when they tried to be physical with each other, so maybe this wasn't the best location. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but her. Their kisses weren't hesitant any longer. He was well versed in the every contour and crevice of her mouth. But this time was different. As his hands traced the slopes of her hips he forced his lips from hers. He had to make sure that this was what she wanted, that it was okay. "Are you sure?" He whispered, his forehead pressed against hers.

"Yes," she breathed, and without hesitation reattached their lips. He loved her for a million reasons, not the least of which was that she trusted him not to hurt her. His life had been wrought with disappointment. If nothing else, he had learned that people hurt you... they let you down. Even the people that you trusted not too, the people that should never let you down, their betrayal hurt the most. But still she trusted him.

Her careful fingers along the planes of his abs sent a symphony of emotions through his chest. He loved her. He loved her. He loved her. He gathered her against his chest, fully taking on her weight as he stood to his feet. She giggled into his mouth and wrapped her long legs around his waist, moving her lips to his neck. He held back a moan as he carefully lowered her onto the mattress, hovering over her, balancing on his forearms so that he didn't burden her with any of his weight.

He hesitated, before bringing trembling fingers to her shirt, slowly undoing the buttons, revealing the unblemished, creamy white skin of her stomach... the elegance of her collar bones... the lace of her black bra. Tears welled up in his eyes at the honor, the privilege of loving her. She could have had anyone, any single person in the world, but she chose him; she chose broken, damaged Toby Cavanaugh, and he could spend the rest of his life loving her and it still wouldn't be enough to thank her for that.

She put her hands over top of his, helping him, lifting her hips so he could slide the shirt out from around her. This time she hesitated, her hands on his chest, her eyes somewhere around his collarbones. "Are you sure," she murmured in her typical raspy tone.

He could almost laugh. He understood why she was asking him, he understood why she wanted him to be sure... but God, this was nothing like the other times. This was Spencer. This was the girl that he chose to be with, the one who looked past his insecurities... the one who waited for him to be ready. This wasn't anything like the force and terror he associated with Jenna. This was about love... acceptance. He chose to be with Spencer. He chose to be with her every single day, and he chose to be here with her right now. "I'm sure," he whispered, his lips just above hers. "I'm sure," he murmured again as he brushed his lips over hers and slid them down her neck. "I love you so much," he whispered between kisses. "God, I love you."

He was crying, but hopefully she understood. It wasn't about sadness. These were the truest... the least sad tears he had ever shed. They weren't over any kind of loss, they were over the fact that he was found. In Spencer he found something he never thought that he would find, and in the process he found himself. He found the part of him that was lost a long time again and that he never thought that he would find again. And it was all because of her. Because when you could count on someone to always love you things changed.

He felt her smile against him. "I love you too," she breathed, her fingers on the hem of his pants, gently undoing his belt. She moaned quietly as he kissed the tender spot below his ear. "I love you."

So much was similar to that day, the hesitancy. She didn't want to hurt him, and as much as he hated it he didn't blame her. The love, the newness. God, he loved her so much. Who else would have stuck with him through all of this? Who else would have taken care of him both physically and financially? Who else would have been there with him every single step of the way, never giving up on him... never letting him give up on himself?

She helped him out of his pajamas, tossing them aside with a soft thump. "Are you sure," she whispered. "Are you sure that you can do this?" She hesitated, looking up at him with her big, dark eyes. They were filled with so much loved, so much indecision. "I don't- Toby, I don't want to hurt you."

He just smiled. Because even after all this time, even after everything had changed, they were still so much the same. And no matter what happened, no mattered what the future held, he was as sure as he was of anything that they would be in it together. They would face it side by side, because that's what they did. That's who they were.

"I'm sure," he whispered. "I love you, Spencer."

She smiled. "I love you too."