Chapter 2: Health Food is Yummy?
Bee sat on the couch and flipped through channels, looking for something good to watch while Puppycat napped in a spot of sunshine nearby. Bee felt pumped. She was going to lose weight… somehow. Okay, so working out had not… worked out. She smiled at her own cleverness but then frowned. What else did people do to lose weight? Her stomach gurgled and she paused on the cooking channel to watch someone making a yummy dessert. In a minute it flipped over to a commercial. She was about to click over to a new channel when the current ad got her attention.
"Are you trying to lose weight?" an energetic and muscular woman asked with laugh lines and a huge smile. The way she talked made everything she said sound exclamatory.
"Woah," Bee said, leaning forward while hugging her eggplant pillow. "It's like you're reading my mind, man."
"Then you should try our awesome pistachio diet! It totally works, just ask these scientists!" The screen panned over to a group of people of mixed genders and races in lab coats who nodded vigorously, before panning back over to the original lady. "My name is Susan Lee and I can verify that this works. Just dial 1-NOT-A-RIP-OFF."
Bee reached into her pants pocket for her cell phone but then paused. What was a pistachio? It sounded suspiciously like something green. She glared at the TV screen. "Ah ha ha! I caught onto your little trick," she said smugly. "Nope nope nope, not gonna trick me," she sang and changed the channel.
Bee paused, suddenly feeling deflated. Wasn't there some way she could eat whatever she wanted and still lose weight? She suddenly thought about her grandmother, who had recently been put on some sort of weird diet for her health. Hadn't her grandmother mentioned something about serving sizes…? She had been holding a tray of food with lots of different stuff, all in teeny tiny portions. Something about she had to have the right portions of each thing at every meal?
Hmm. Bee's stomach gurgled. She leaped off the couch and danced over to the fridge to scavenge for sustenance. "Ah-hah!" she declared pulling out a bag of frozen fish sticks and holding it over her head in success. "Do do do do do do do-do!" She brought it down to double check the time needed to cook and noticed something else on the back of the bag. A weird rectangle full of information like Sodium, Fiber, and other stuff that she had never paid attention to and did not understand the significance of even now. She noticed the bottom of the bag had a disclaimer in teeny tiny print underneath the ingredients that read "This will probably kill you." She shrugged. At the top of the list was something she did recognize: Serving Size!
Bee shrieked so loud that Puppycat actually rolled over to look and see what was wrong.
A knock at the door caught attention next, as well as a familiar voice that called through. "Bee? Are you ok?"
Bee blushed as she realized it was Deckard outside her door. She ran over and called back through the door to him. "I'm fine! I just read the serving size on my fish sticks! Three? Can you believe it? I usually eat seventeen!"
"Oh… ok well…" Deckard said.
Bee suddenly decided now would be a good time to open the door. "I mean, how is that going to fill me up?" she blabbered on.
"Um… well I'm pretty sure you're supposed to eat other things with it… you know, like salad… and stuff? Like from the food pyramid…?" Deckard said.
"Oh…" Bee said. "Right…" she paused a moment. "So uh… what're you uhh doing outside my door?" She blushed again. "I mean, not like I think you're stalking me or anything, but like…" she trailed off.
"Oh," Deckard began, "I was on my way to work." He gestured down at his black pants and shirt. "I kinda need to get going…"
Bee jumped to attention. "Of course! I wouldn't want you to be late and lose your job… like I always do…"
Deckard's eyes widened and he stood immobilized for a second before he managed to sputter "Well I'm sure you just haven't found what suits you yet. I gotta run."
Deckard waved as he walked off. Bee waved back then darted back into her apartment, slamming the door shut behind her. "Alright! That went well," she said, "Managed to talk to him without hurting him!"
Bee danced over to the kitchen where she pulled out a pan and put her three fish sticks on there. Hmm, Deckard had mentioned something about eating other foods. She dug through her freezer and found the bagel bites and pizza rolls. They had bread on them, so that counted for grains, and they had tomato sauce in them, so there were her vegetables. And fruit! Tomatoes counted as both after all.
Bee added all the other things, as much as their serving sizes allowed, of course, and threw the pan in the oven. While she waited, she flipped to Cartoon Network for the new episode of Adventure Time and got on her Tumblr so she could make comments as it aired.
After a half hour of making awesome comments and watching another awesome episode, her oven dinged. Bee withdrew the food, plated it, and set Puppycat's plate in front of him. He began chowing down on the food while Bee did the same.
"How's it taste, Puppycat? It's a balanced, healthy meal." Bee looked at her plate thoughtfully. "Though I guess it's missing the salad…"
Puppycat paused mid-chomp and looked at her with a raised brow.
"What?" Bee asked around a mouthful of food. "You think you could do better?"
Puppycat devoured the rest of his food in a single bite, then jumped up on his back legs and touched his bell. A pink glow emanated around it then expanded to envelop them both. Bee paused mid-chomp and shaded her eyes with her hand. When she was able to see again, she found Puppycat holding a pink and white striped envelop.
"You'd think there'd be a less-annoying way to get work," Bee commented around a mouthful of food.
Puppycat rolled his eyes as he ripped the envelope in half and pulled out the letter inside. They both touched it and once more, light enveloped them both, transporting them into the inky blackness. In the darkness floated a television screen named Temp Bot.
Temp Bot turned to Puppycat first. "Have you lost weight? You look fantastic." Puppycat shook his head and patted his belly, which now had a slight bump from the food he had inhaled.
Bee whispered, rather loudly, "Puppycat I think that Temp Face has a crush on you and I totally ship it."
Puppycat and Tempbot both blushed and gaped at Bee who was looking back and forth between them and nodding and winking. She started talking about what their children would look like.
Puppycat jumped up and smacked a paw over Bee's mouth. "Give us a job in the cafeteria." Having gotten his say he let Bee's mouth go and floated next to her once more.
"Uhh sure, they've always got an opening there somewhere. Here you go with uniforms." TempBot opened her mouth quickly and for the third time that day enveloped them both in light.
Bee looked down to find herself wearing a long pink dress with a white apron over it. The top of the apron was shaped like a cat's head. "Well this looks familiar…" Bee mumbled. "Kinda reminds me of my Cat Café outfit…" She looked over and noticed Puppycat staring at a soup spoon he was now holding. He shook his head and passed it to Bee.
"Transporting you to Health Food Planet," TempBot said, opening her mouth and making a sound similar to "whaaaaaaaaaa."
Puppycat ran ahead. Bee chased after him then slowed as she took in the large room before her. Stainless steel countertops covered with stainless steel pots and stainless steel spoons. All manned by human-sized pigs.
"Pigs cooking? What the hell?!" Bee asked.
Puppycat rolled his eyes. "They are the cleanest creatures in the world."
"They are not!" Bee insisted.
A pink pig with brown spots walked up to them. It was wearing a chef's hat and an apron and carrying two aprons on its arm. "We are, too," it said in a distinctly female voice. "And we have excellent hearing." She tossed the aprons at the pair and pointed a cleft paw at another, brown pig halfway down the line, waving at them. "Get to work."
Bee and Puppycat shrugged at one another and put on their aprons. Puppycat explained a bit more about the place as they went. "This kitchen cooks food for people who have severe illnesses which can be cured by a proper diet."
"Ohh," Bee said, looking around at all the different kinds of food being cooked. "I bet Deckard would love this place."
"Hey," she stopped suddenly and screeched, "There's no meat here!"
"Rude," a pig chef said nearby and Bee made a face at him. Puppycat blushed a crimson red and swatted Bee's leg with his claws.
"Ow! Whaaaaat?" Bee asked. Before Puppycat could say anything, they arrived at their station.
"Alrighty so as I cook it you're going to scoop it out into the serving bowls. Everything is already made so that you just need to scoop once with that ladle they gave you and put it on that conveyer belt in front of you. Any questions? Of course not, now go go go!" Their serving chef spoke quickly and pushed them toward a smaller work station filled with ceramic white bowls.
Bee made a "gah" noise as the chef pushed a giant pan of some kind of orange liquid toward her. It ad green onions, red bell peppers, and other vegetables floating around in it but didn't smell like any kind of vegetable soup she had ever eaten. Bee poked at it with her ladle and made a face.
"Red curry," Puppycat provided. At Bee's blank look, "Thai food." He beckoned for her to hurry up. Bee shrugged then started slowly ladling it out. Puppycat jumped up on the counter and transferred the bowls for her. Bee tried going a little faster and heard a sizzle accompany a bit of liquid that fell out. It sounded cool. She went faster and faster and faster, flinging red curry into bowls… and the floor… and the people around them… and pretty much everywhere until the ladle was yanked a out of her hand.
Bee turned with a "huh?" and stared into a black pig chef's snout and screeched. "What? Why? No!"
The pig chef snorted and grunted and then pointed to a pair of double doors nearby. "Out!"
"But we wanna work!" Bee argued. The black pig roared at them, picked them both up by the scruffs of their necks, and carried them to the double doors. She kicked open the doors and dumped them outside. A cart rolled through the doors a moment later, its dishrag flapping valiantly behind it until its sudden collision with Bee's back.
The door opened again and an angry voice squealed, "Go clean up tables!"
Bee stood up, grumbling about how she hadn't spilled that much, and grabbing the cart. She looked around at the room around her, which was easily triple the size of the kitchen and full of… people? There were all manner of creatures seated at the tables around her: giant cats, a weird gumball-looking creature with a leaf growing out of its head in farmer overalls, giant fish in fish bowls, and a number of other beings that she assumed were sentient.
She pushed the cart to the nearest empty table and stared at it. Mooshed up food and random bits covered every inch of it. It was lucky there was a blue tablecloth or else she was sure it would've been stained. With a face she picked up the plates and dumped them in the black bucket. Then with a shrug she grabbed the corners of the tablecloth, tied them all together, and shoved it into the trash bag hanging off the cart.
She moved onto the next empty table, which was near the bar, sing-songing some nonsensical phrases to herself that may have been related to cleaning. As she passed the bar she heard a male voice say, "Oh, so you're trying to be healthier? Me, too. It's hard, isn't it?" She froze and whipped around to find a television screen featuring a ginger-haired, glasses-wearing man digging into some sort of orange-looking thing with a spoon. Bee's eyes got large and she quickly abandoned the cart to run up to the bar. She propped elbows on the bar and leaned her head on her hands to watch.
"I read that eating grapefruit every morning can help you boost your metabolism." The man slowly dug his spoon around the edges of the grapefruit, separating it from its peel as he talked. Behind him was a motley combination of blues and greens spotted with purple eggplants. "I've also heard it helps you feel full so you don't accidentally overeat. I know I have that problem because I love breakfast. What about you? What's your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?" The man then scooped a piece of grapefruit out and into his mouth and chewed silently, staring all around him and then at Bee then back at his food again.
"Who, me?" Bee asked, looking around to see who else he could be talking to then turned back to the screen. "Oh I love breakfast, too! Eggs and bacon- oh and waffles!" She looked down at Puppycat, sitting in a barstool beside her. "What about you, Puppycat?"
Puppycat nodded solemnly, never taking his eyes off of the screen. His fur bristled and he shook slightly. "I love omelets."
"That's cool. I like eating that as well." Bee and Puppycat both blushed and puffed up their chests. "I was thinking though, that it's kind of hard to eat a well-balanced meal at breakfast." He spooned himself another portion of grapefruit and as he chewed leaned down and pulled up a picture of the food pyramid. "I mean, it's easy to get the dairy- milk! And the grains, cereal." He paused, and said, as if to himself, "I guess vegetables are easier if you're eating an omelet." Puppycat's eyes shone and he blushed. "Because you can eat breakfast potatoes with it and have some vegetables cut up inside of it… and meat as well." He continued to talk as he ate, and eat as he talked.
"And I'm eating the fruit now." He paused and looked at his half-eaten food thoughtfully. "You know, I guess it's not too hard, it's just not easy to find everything you need all in one dish. I guess if you made a bunch of different things up one morning you could eat little pieces of each thing in one meal each morning. What do you think?" He scooped two pieces of grapefruit into his mouth, almost dropping one as he did so. He raised his eyebrows and smiled at Bee as if to say "Oops, but I caught it!"
Bee giggled, then frowned. Food pyramid? Oh yeah, I remember Deckard mentioning that thing. So that's why he mentioned salad...I guess we weren't supposed to eat the serving sizes of all that stuff… Unless…" She trailed off, thinking about which type of pizza rolls contained the most things from the food pyramid.
"I guess I think the best thing would be a vegetable and ham omelet with fruit pancakes. Oh and milk. I think that hits on everything. That'd be cool if you could get all the nutrients you needed in one dish or one superfood but I guess that's not realistic." He put the picture back down below the table and smiled at Bee. "Well, thanks for joining me for breakfast. I gotta run to work now. I hope you can join me again soon. Have a good day!" He waved and picked up his spoon to leave. He stood up but not all the way, hunched over as if the ceiling were only a little higher than the screen and walked off screen. The screen flicked to a pink background with a pair of cartoon dogs and the words "Pretty Patrick!" in pretty font over them.
"Thanks for watching Pretty Patrick's Heath Food Special," the brown dog said.
The white dog then spoke up saying, "Stay tuned to find out what Pretty Patrick will be eating next time."
"That show was crazy good!" Bee said as the credits rolled by. "I think I've found my new favorite show. We have to get Deckard to watch it with us next time. Ooh I wonder if they ever marathon it. We are totally going to have to check it out." She looked at Puppycat who nodded.
Suddenly, the pair were teleported back to Bee's couch. The portal stayed open and a small number of bills floated through, followed by a jar of brown goop. Bee immediately opened the jar and made a face and pinched her nose shut. "It smells funny." She poked her finger into some of it and brought it to her mouth. She licked it and spat immediately. "Oh yuck and it tastes gross!"
"You're not supposed to eat it raw!" Puppycat admonished in exasperation.
"We didn't get paid as much as last time," Bee noted, squinting at the small pile of money as if it were about to come to life and walk away if she looked away for a second.
"The gloop counts as part of our payment," Puppycat said in his singsong way of sort of talking.
"What, this stuff?" Bee asked, slipping the money wad of cash in her pocket and looking at the jar she held under her arm. "Why?"
"Because it's the healthiest substance in the universe," Puppycat stated simply. "It magically makes whatever you cook it in healthy."
Bee made a face. "But you said we couldn't eat it."
Puppycat rolled his eyes. "Not raw. You cook it in whatever food you are eating. You have to cook the food from scratch."
"Ooh," Bee said. She pictured them cooking in cute little pink aprons with Deckard in his apartment. Of course, without spilling stuff everywhere. "All right, Puppycat. We can try your weird goop." After all, it wasn't green. As long as it wasn't green, it would taste good, right?