Chapter Two

A few weeks passed, and while their relationship continued to repair itself, nothing was said between them about that night. Kathryn had wanted to apologize for falling asleep on him, but she found that the idea led her down a path she was not prepared to deal with. Apologies meant opening up, and to be frank, she was frightened to show him who her true self was these days.

When she was hunting Rudy Ransom, Chakotay had seen her anger and misguided determination, but he had no idea just how hurt and scared and ashamed she had been afterward. Her actions then had been the closest she'd ever come to completely losing herself, and it had taken every ounce of her resolve to keep from falling apart once she realized it. She'd certainly experienced her share of emotional turmoil over the years, but none that had made her question every single action and emotion like that one did. Without him to be able to talk to, she felt rudderless, adrift without the emotional anchor he provided.

The other thing that was getting in Kathryn's way was an uncharacteristic bout of insecurity. She had always projected a confidence in order to lead, and her skill at hiding personal concerns was unmatched. But now she was second-guessing every decision, where even a short time before, she'd never given those calls another thought.

Re-evaluating decisions in her downtime was becoming dangerously routine. Initially, Kathryn thought it just a result of high and prolonged stress, but this quiet area of space they were travelling through swept all of that away, leaving her with a great deal of free time in which to reflect on her actions of the past few months. The captain was beginning to worry if this problem was going to erode her ability to command, or worse, if it would result in Chakotay having to take command from her.

But she'd soldiered on, using the distance of command to repair her relationship with Chakotay on her own terms. It allowed her to talk only about the things she wanted to, refusing to allow him to see her vulnerabilities. She wasn't dealing with the problem, uncertainty and indecision becoming constant companions, and her efforts to appear friendly and approachable didn't come off as well as she would have liked. Everybody was walking on eggshells around her.

The peaceful area that had been their salvation was also now starting to pose problems as it stretched on endlessly. Supplies were becoming a concern. As they soon discovered, not a single planet Voyager ran across produced foods that any species on board could eat, and as a result, the captain was considering restricting rations and reducing mealtimes in the mess hall to twice a day. It certainly wouldn't be the first time, and it inevitably led to Neelix filling out meals with more of his seemingly endless supply of leola root.

"I know that look," Chakotay said quietly as he leaned across the console between their seats. When she looked over at him, he was wearing a small smile. "You're thinking about leola."

How does he do that? "I'm trying not to," she replied, the mere thought of excessive root enough to make her queasy. Deciding to try and deflect him a little, she said, "It's your fault, you know. You could have at least found something that was palatable."

He laughed, thinking back to that dark day early in their journey when he'd tasted the horrid tuber for the first time. "Believe me, if I could take it back, I would."

"Knowing our luck, we would have found something even worse." She became serious again. "Have you received an updated manifest from Neelix?"

"Just before I came on shift." He sorted through the padds that had been in his lap, waiting for him to summarize, and finding the right one, he handed it over. They both started reading, the sound of mundane ship's business fading out around them.

As she read through the cook's not-so-lengthy list, her heart started to sink. It was just as she feared – if they didn't restock soon, they would need to severely curtail all food, and distaste for leola root would be the least of their problems. They had about two weeks of fresh foodstuffs left, and while it would be supplemented by what they could grow in hydroponics, it wasn't nearly enough. The dried and preserved goods would last only three weeks beyond that, and then they would be left with Starfleet rations, which would give them another month. They'd been lucky in that they hadn't needed to resort to rations since first landing in the Delta Quadrant, but now it was starting to look like a distinct possibility. "Damn…"

Chakotay looked up, glancing around to see if anyone else had heard her breathy curse. "Captain?"

Her brow furrowed, she stood, announcing, "Tuvok, you have the bridge." Then with a glance at her first officer that told him to follow, she headed off into the ready room.

Her first impulse once inside was to head to the replicator for coffee, but she quickly tamped down on it. "We're going to have to initiate the rationing protocols, including replicators," she told Chakotay once the doors were closed, holding the padd out for him to take back. "With no foreseeable places to find food, we don't have much choice."

"I'll inform B'Elanna and Neelix right away," he replied as he scrolled through the list. Remembering the information from Torres' engineering report the day before, he asked, "What about energy reserves?"

She shook her head. "I don't think we need to tap into them just yet, but we should scale back usage by ten percent."

"I'll make the announcement." He looked up to find that she was leaning back against her desk, eyes shut as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "We'll find something, Kathryn," he said quietly.

Meeting his eyes, the captain appreciated his attempt at consolation. "Thanks." She watched him leave, then allowed herself a few moments of worry and self-pity for herself and her crew before ruthlessly pushing it away and heading back out onto the bridge.