Deadpool quickly walked out a department store in his hands was a rectangular box covered in pink wrapping paper and a blue bow. He bowed to the staff at the store, "You have just made me dad of the year." He spun around and began to walk down the street holding the box up in the air. As he turned around the corner he heard the alarms of jewelry store go off and he looked over to see a group of masked gun men run out.

Each gunman wore a blue jumpsuit and shoes covered in white bags with a 7-11 logo on them. They all wore different animal masks one a pig, another dog, another a cow the next was a duck and finally a farmer. The Farmer turned around and saw deadpool, "Oh crap it is spiderman Open fire!" The group all began to shoot the cow and pig had riffles the duck and dog had two pistols each the farmer was carrying a shot gun.

Deadpool quickly lifted the gift up above his head as he was hit by bullets, "Really universe this is what you do to me when I try to be a good father...and why do they always confuse me with that bug." He fell back against the building and shook his head, "You do this so I look bad by being late you just like proving that old lady right." He got up, "Good thing I have suit waiting to be picked up. So looks like I win I won't show up with blood on like I promised." He drew his pistol from his waist and ran forward keeping the gift above his head as he fired bullets at the group. Just as he got close he was hit by an armored car and sent flying through the air while mid flip he managed to get off three shots each one hitting the pig. He turned to see who hit him as if to say why then noticed the driver was wearing a horse mask.

The farmer laughed, "Good timing girls." The back doors opened up and a person in a donkey mask stepped out she was carrying a minigun and in tight leather.

The donkey opened fire at deadpool who had tossed his gift up in the air to keep it out of splatter range. "Suck it hero." The donkey was laughing as she used the bullets to push deadpool down the street before she stopped and turned around getting into the armored car.

Deadpool looked up into the air and raised a hand to catch the present that just fell to the ground. "That ass had a nice donkey." He quickly laid flat as the armored car drove straight at him catching part of it with his suit he began to get dragged under it he used his hand as a buffer for the present so it would not get damaged "So I guess this means I have to take them out before I can go see my daughter." He reached into a pouch and pulled out three grenades he pulled out the pins and held it them against the right front wheel.

Horse was laughing as she drove, "We did it we got away." She then felt the right side lift up slam down the entire vehicle making a hard turn right into a store. Fire erupting around them as people ran from the store. Horse tried to open her door only to find it blocked by fallen rubble she looked up next to see deadpool standing on the hood. Deadpool opened fire on the cracked window until a hole opened up.

"This will give new meaning to the word gloryhole." He pulled out a grenade pulled the pin and pushed it through the hole wiggling his finger inside the whole before diving over the roof of the car. Still holding the unblemished present in his hand not even a drop of blood seemed to have touched it.

Cow, dog, donkey duck and farmer all piled out of the back just before the explosion and looked up to see deadpool and all in unison, "Oh crap."

Deadpool drew a katana off his back and jumped towards the group only to take a shot gun blast to the chest sending him back up into the air it was followed by a second one that sent him spinning. He stopped for a second as he saw a sign for the building he crashed into "No not this place anyplace but here not chi mi changs dry cleaner I have my suit in there...maybe it will be okay it could be in the back." As he spoke the building exploded erupting in flames and sending dead pool across the street and into a garbage can, "Come on universe seriously you not only get rid of my one good suit you also land me in trash." He shook his head getting up looking at a bench, "Nope if I put it there some hobo will take it won't they." He turned back to the group of thieves who were a bit stunned deadpool held up the present and charged forward throwing his sword straight into the chest of dog, "Wow what I read in manga does work." He followed it with two grenades which caused the crew to spread out.

"It might but it won't help." Donkey opened fire again deadpool jumping out of the way only to have his left foot shot off and sent flying.

Deadpool landed on his back keeping the present perfectly safe he drew his pistol and shot it just in time to hit duck right in the bill. "That is one way to pay a bill...did I really just say that...yeah it was bad...now I get why the universe took my foot." He got up on his foot and leaned his back against the armored car. He took a deep breath, "Time to see if I can make the Olympic team." He dove forward rolling with the present out to the side balancing it on his hand as he rolled never letting it fall. He pushed off the ground with one hand and flipped still holding the present perfectly level, "Now to stick the landing." He came down right on his foot sticking the landing perfectly he raised his arms and the gift above his head, "And a perfect ten!" He looked down seeing the four bullets shoot through his stomach, "I can't even get a second to celebrate my gold medal." He turned around seeing cow up on the roof of a van firing at him most missing him a few hitting him.

"I need more time cover me!" Donkey was fighting with her gun it seemed to have jammed.

Deadpool knew this was his chance he charged forward only to be hit with a shot gun blast from the side farmer was hiding behind the truck with the loot. Deadpool spun ignoring the large chunk of flesh and probably a kidney and part of his intestines that were now missing. He drew his pistol and struck Donkey across her face with it tackling her and hitting her again to make sure she was out. He spun around aimed his pistol at cow and then he stopped his head started to bob he began to sway his hips it seemed a radio was turned on. "Ah yeah this is my jam." He began to dance firing his gun at the radio hitting the volume knob and cranking it up just as the first line came out and he sang along the heavy dance beat taking over his body, "You got to let your crazy out! You gotta you gotta let that crazy out!" He ran forward right towards cow who was now firing rapidly at Deadpool. "You got let you body go your mind has to be free so let me hear you shout. Let your crazy out." He jumped up, "I don't care what they say I love being me those voices in my head are right I just need to move." He kicked cow in the jaw sending him backwards but before he got too far Deadpool grabbed his coveralls and pulled him forward into a hard head butt. He let cows body fall after that kicking the rifle hard Deadpool tripped up a running farmer. He kept up with the song dancing to the beat he then drew his pistol aimed it down at cow and then in perfect time with 4 loud drum beats he shot cow in the chest, "Let the crazy come." Four more loud drum beats came and in perfect time Deadpool shot cow again. "Let your crazy out! Let let your crazy out! Let your crazy out! Let let your crazy out." He jumped off the car he was on and began to dance across the street shaking his body and ass, "Miley Cyrus wishes she could twerk like this." He still had that present up above his head, "Now for my favorite part." He raised his head up and in time with the song let out a loud evil laugh as if he was roaring, "Mwahahahahaha let your crazy out and live free." He pulled his sword out of the chest of dog spinning around just in time to knock Farmer's shot gun out of the way as it fired at him, "Let your crazy out." He slashed down at Farmer who blocked with his gun and kicked Deadpool in the stomach. Deadpool lurched backwards but kept his eyes on Farmer, "These voices in my head scream and yell telling me what I shouldn't do, so I just turned the beat and let my crazy out." Deadpool stood up straight slashing at farmer again who was now using his shotgun to block the blade no longer worried about keeping a finger on the trigger. "Come on let your crazy let your flow just forget about the world and let you crazy out." Deadpool was dancing still in perfect time with the beat, "One last time, one last time shout it loud. LET YOUR CRAZY OUT!" He spun around twice as he came to face farmer again he grabbed his shoulder the blade of his katana on farmer's neck, "we said let your crazy out not your guts." With a quick motion he cut farmer's head off and caught it, "Now if only you could sing the duet with me then we could have had a real friendship." He dropped the head and walked to the armored car and pulled out the bags, "Nice hall." He poured everything into one bag and through it over his shoulder. He walked towards donkey who he had left alive he knelt down and tied her up, "Now I know what to do with you." He picked her up and walked up the street to his scooter sitting on it he tied her to him and began to drive away humming the beat to his favorite song.

Donkey slowly began to wake up looking around she let out a scream and tried to move but found she was tied to a chair, "What the hell!"

Deadpool looked back he was getting dressed with his back to her so she was seeing his scar covered ass, "So the ass don't like my donkey?" He shook it a bit and finished zipping himself up before pulling on a clean mask. He turned around, "good to see you are awake we need to talk."

Donkey pulled hard on her ropes, "let me go and we can talk."

"Mmmm nope," He walked towards her, "So I figure you are not the run of the mill smash and grab thief probably because there is no way you could afford the gun and ammo you had if you are. My guess is you are like me a mercenary."

"Yeah but one with class and can you take this dam mask off me it is hard to talk seriously with this on."

Deadpool nodded and pulled it off, "Fair enough I know I am not the most well liked guy out there I mean I know I kill my partners take their share and run away or just stab them in the back. But I do have my reasons and standards too."

Donkey was a young woman with long black hair and brown eyes she had a scar across her face from cheek to cheek across her nose then up between her eyes. "So what do you want with me."

"I want a cuddle buddy I get lonely at nights...just kidding I am married now."

"Who the hell would marry you?"

"A demon."

"She would have to be."

"No literally a demon queen. But enough about me let's talk about you tell doctor Deadpool everything."

"If I need a doctor like you I will truly be screwed but if you must know my name is Amy."

"Well Amy from what I saw of your take you were probably going to take home a couple million in gems but here is the thing I want to hire you."

"Why would I work for the guy who killed my team?"

"Come on we both know you just got hired and they meant nothing to you otherwise you would be angrier." He leaned against the wall, "Now here is how it is going to work I am going to hire you for a job and pay you in the gems and jewelry you stole."

"Okay and if I say no?"

"I give you to my wife and tell her you were flirting with me and would not take a hint. So she will drag you down to the underworld have your body tortured over and over again by little red demons with dull rusty knives."

"So I say yes or I die."

"You got it now do you want the details of the job?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No but I thought as your employer I should be nice. There is a girl I want you to watch over when I cannot be there her name is Ellie and she lives across the street."

"So what I am to be her body guard?"

"Sort of you are to guard her without anybody finding out not even Ellie or the people she is with."

"So my payment is the gems from the heist you know that will only cover my services for a few years."

Deadpool wagged his finger, "No it will cover until she is 18...did they not tell you what else they stole?"

"What do you mean else?"

Deadpool walked behind Amy cutting her free, "They took something known as terrigen crystal I have contacted a lady and she has agreed to buy them with enough gold that I can secure your services for that long." He was of course talking about medusa, "You will also have access to my entire arsenal and time off two weeks at a time to work for others to keep you sharp."

Amy rubbed her wrists, "What can your arsenal have that I need."

Deadpool through a knife into the eye of a sad clown picture on the wall all the other walls opened up revealing guns, bombs, grenades, riffles, and rocket launchers along with hundreds of other fun killing tools, "If I do not have something you want I can get it."

Amy looked over the weapons, "You have yourself a deal Mr. Deadpool."

Deadpool nodded walking over to couch and picking up his present, "The girl I give this gift too will be the one you are to protect."

Amy nodded, "Where can I watch from?"

"I have a sniper rifle on the second floor facing the house across the street you can watch from there." He walked to the door, "I will see you after the party."

Preston stopped Deadpool as he walked into her backyard, "Your late and I told you to dress nice."

"I was going to but there was this whole thing with a farmer his animals and an explosion of the drycleaner my suit was at and this looks better then what I had on earlier." Deadpool was holding his gift above his head, "Now let me give Ellie her gift." He walked past her Preston and stopped at the young girl with brown hair and eyes, "Happy birthday Ellie." He handed her the pink present with blue bow you can go ahead and open it."

He walked back to Preston who spoke softly, "So you got her what I said."

Deadpool nodded then shook his head, "I got her something better."

Ellie smiled as she opened it and then looked at Deadpool then back in the box pulling out a Katana, "Thank you?"

Preston's jaw dropped, "You got a little girl a Katana! What are you thinking?"

"That I am the best dad in the world. But don't worry I gave her instructions."

Ellie pulled out a small music player and pressed play deadpool's voice began to speak out of it, "There is one thing you need to remember when you use this weapon..." Then deadpools jam began to play loudly and he started to dance. Preston put her hand over her eyes and shook her head a look of pure confusion and disgust on it.

The end