Chapter 2: There Are Things In This World You Might Just Be Better Off Not Knowing
On a brisk, moonlit night, Ikumatsu found herself taking a stroll. She'd already locked up the shop, and, unable to sleep, she had finally decided to enjoy the last of the pleasant weather while she had the chance.
Only to find her feet took her much further than she originally planned, far from Kabukicho and the overall atmosphere of the city, to somewhere she hadn't visited in years. Somewhere she still remembered distinctly, and felt a certain eagerness to reach.
There were plenty of other things to see here – in a public garden, changed since she'd been here last into more of a park where many people would walk during the day – but to her, alone at night, all that mattered was one mundane little detail.
A pond, just off the side of the path, not too far ahead now. That was where she wished to be on a night such as this. She could remember every little thing now; each step she'd taken, the way the light of the moon had danced on the water's surface and cast a glow on everything around it, enhancing the details in the grass and the trees. And... she couldn't lie to herself, that was what she was really remembering, the time she'd been walking here with Daigo and he'd accidentally slipped and fallen into the pond, the both of them bursting out laughing after a short pause. A lily pad sitting almost decoratively on his head.
Before she realized it, she was right at the water's edge, nearly having walked straight into it. She took an almost unsteady step back before realizing she wasn't at all off-balance. Her focus shifted from memory to the present reality, taking in every little detail.
The fireflies were beginning to come out, adding their tiny flecks of light both to the air and the reflections in the placid water. Both hoping and dreading to spot more of her past life here, her gaze skimmed the pond's surface, looking at these reflections.
One of them didn't seem like any of the others. It was a shape as murky and abstract as the rest, but it seemed distinctly off, not to mention closer; on her side of the pond where there weren't any trees. She squinted, trying to make out what it was, looking up to where whatever it was being reflected from would be.
And when she found it – he wasn't hard to spot – her opinion on the matter was anything but pleasant.
Great. Just who she needed to see, the headphones asshole.
Suddenly the pond didn't seem to be filled with light and wonder – no, it was stagnant and probably polluted. She turned her eyes to the sky, letting out a disgruntled sigh. There was a moment of uneasy silence as she considered just turning around and going home at that moment.
She decided she still wasn't ready to leave yet.
In an attempt to make small talk, mostly because she remembered how impolite she'd been to him before, she addressed him: "It's certainly a nice evening, sir."
The man turned to look at her, seeming slightly startled by the words, but not enough for her to believe her being here at all came as a surprise. "Indeed. A night such as this is most pleasant for a stroll." No, surely he only came over here because he saw her.
Now he'd been greeted, he must have seen fit to take a few steps closer, but still kept a careful distance. He pushed his headphones back from his ears slightly – as though that counted as taking them off – as he bowed. "Fancy meeting you here, Ikumatsu-dono. I will not question your reasons for it, as one should be asking the same of me. But the moon is beautiful tonight... though I regret my lack of poetry for it."
Ikumatsu pulled her arms close to her body, tucking her hands inside her sleeves. Despite the way her insides were tying themselves up in knots, she moved to meet the man halfway, soon standing only a few feet away from him with a calm expression that could almost rival his.
"You could play it a song, couldn't you?" she asked, then, smirking gently, she added, "but wouldn't you be able to enjoy its beauty more if you weren't wearing those sunglasses?"
This prompted him to smirk in turn. "Still stubborn about that, I see. I have grown accustomed to seeing the world in this way."
That was more than just a literal statement, wasn't it – but he was right once again, the sunglasses themselves didn't really matter here.
The fleeting mental image she got of him tripping and crashing into things while trying to navigate at night was probably not accurate, but it was nonetheless a thing to be savoured.
If only it did anything to ease the tension.
He continued idly, "I did not expect to run into anyone else here, but I suppose it makes sense. This seems an excellent place to be alone with one's thoughts."
"Well, I'm sorry your expectations couldn't be met," Ikumatsu said, bitterness slipping into her voice. "It's not like I expected anyone to be here either, least of all you."
Though she pretended to dismiss his words, she couldn't help but wonder about him, somewhere deep down. He could be hiding anything – even his shades, which were more likely than not just a poor attempt at looking cool, could be covering up some clue to his motives.
She could only scoff inwardly at herself for the naive ideas she was getting. "I don't even know your name yet, and I'm still arguing with you. I'm being unreasonable, aren't I?" She glanced away from him and back again, giggling suddenly. "But, would you mind if I was unreasonable one more time, and made one small request of you?"
The man hesitated, but the only shift in his expression was his mouth moving barely enough to let a few words out. "No, I... don't see why not."
Part of her questioned her own sanity, but she took another step closer. "I was wondering. Perhaps..." Though she was still nervous, there was not a quiver or crack in her voice. The only thing that interrupted her speaking was her right hand reaching out; the backs of her fingers brushed gently along his cheekbone. "Would it be asking too much to allow me to see the world through your eyes?"
His eyebrows, which had been raised slightly at her touch, rose further, but he still spoke as though he wasn't surprised. "That is hardly an unreasonable thing to ask."
Then his hand caught hers, holding her wrist firmly yet delicately. Hey, this was familiar. His fingers were rough, somehow seeming to be calloused by much more than some casual music-playing. "Would we not all like to better understand those around us? I suppose it depends on what exactly you mean by this request."
At this point Ikumatsu was struck with the impression she'd dug herself a hole and fallen in. Obviously whichever part of her had thought to make that request expected him to refuse, and she was stuck now with no other option but to keep going.
She took a deep breath – a desperate gulp of air to her, but likely, hopefully, not conspicuous from an outside perspective. "Your sunglasses. I'd like to borrow them for a moment. If it's not too much trouble, that is – so I can see the world from your point of view. I know it's not the same, but that's what I request."
"Hmm? If that's..." Seeming to hesitate again, he removed the glasses carefully, as though doing so too hastily might cause some damage. "If that is all you ask, I will comply." He held them out to her, releasing his other hand's grip on her wrist at the same time.
That he agreed so easily added to her surprise, so much so that she now almost didn't want to take what she'd asked for. And, after her eyes were drawn to his, she decided not to take them at all, her hand falling back to rest at her side.
His eyes seemed to be adjusting to the difference in light levels, and he did the same, glancing around a bit as though seeing the area for the first time. Almost looking... impressed. How often did he see the subtle glow the moon cast on everything, something she herself took for granted?
She didn't spend a long time staring; not only was he irritating, he also had a certain haunting, terrifying quality about him like this. She understood now, the sunglasses didn't only mute the world's brightness, they were a barrier keeping some part of him to himself as well.
There was something else there too, a sort of charisma that called to mind someone else she knew, and at that thought she knew she'd seen more than she was supposed to.
Ikumatsu could feel a blush rising on her cheeks, mostly out of embarrassment that she'd said anything at all. "I... understand. That's not it." She looked down, her gaze now fixed on a firefly that had landed on her leg. She sighed; her warm breath dissolved into the cool air. "You see the world through that darkness. But am I correct in assuming you still see it that way even without those?"
His silence didn't seem either to confirm or deny this.
"I don't know what happened in your past," she continued, "and I don't know where you hope to go from here. I don't even care why you're out here tonight." She let out a nervous giggle. "It certainly is a lovely evening... oh, what was your name, anyway? We never got a chance to make introductions."
"I have gone by a fair number of names; who I have been or will be matters little, only that I am here right now." He made no move to return his sunglasses to their place just yet. "There is much darkness in this world; it would not do well to pretend I do not see it."
Honestly, she should've been expecting a vague statement like that by now.
"You are unsatisfied with these answers, I know. But I fear you may prefer an outright lie to some of the truths I have to tell."
This was all it took for her to shift from uncomfortable to tense. Immediately she protested, regretting how she sounded more sad than angry: "You don't need to say another word. If you're just going to lie, you might as well not speak."
To both her relief and despair, the man fell silent. The firefly which was sitting on her flew away again; her gaze followed it back toward the others, creating a diversion for herself that she hoped would settle her troubled mind. But the longer she watched them, the more time she had to think over the troubling implications of his words, the look in his eyes, her own bizarre mix of positive and negative feelings.
Such a vicious cycle, escaping from one's thoughts by escaping into one's thoughts.
In her escape, she vocalized a string of her worries, some more audible than others. "I have this feeling that you... that I... shouldn't get involved with you. That I shouldn't be talking to you. That I should have just chased you out of my shop that one time. That I should have simply left when I saw you here tonight. All those things that I should have done, that any rational thinker would have done... "But I gave you a chance..." You've brought nothing but trouble, but I got involved anyway because... "I'm... still just an idiot." Her blushing cheeks and smiling lips expressed this cheerfully, but the tears beginning to well up in her eyes stated otherwise.
Silence stretched between them once more – geez, now he was taking what she'd said to heart?
After what felt like a lifetime, he apparently gathered what few shreds of honesty he had together and replied softly, "You are certainly no idiot. You chose this because there was something you saw, something you wanted from me, was there not?" He took a step back, tilting his head slightly – without the shades, she could see his eyes looking her over as though she were something to be assessed. "Even if it was a poor decision, it was something. You strike me as one who has mistakenly trusted people in the past, Ikumatsu-dono... I would ask that you trust me, but that would be yet another deception and I do not wish to burn you as well."
The faint sense of solace that this man had anything truthful to say at all was dashed in an instant as a sickened feeling coursed through her. Her heart raced and she could feel herself beginning to sweat.
"Deceptions, my ass!" She watched as if from a distance as her hand hurtled through the air at his face, connecting with a slapping sound that was not quite as satisfying as it ought to have been in the same place she'd so gently placed it only minutes earlier. He didn't flinch, or give at all for that matter, and that only fuelled her rage further. "I don't want to live in a world I can't trust! I only want to live the best I can each day, and if that involves getting burned a few more times, then so be it."
Rather than back away as she expected him to, he didn't waver, his eyes now fixed on her – completely steady, unreadable. He spoke in a gentle tone that felt mocking considering the circumstances, "Very well, then. As you are far too perceptive not to have guessed, I am not here on leisure purposes at all. I am presently in the process of a rather important errand." He smirked as he finally put his sunglasses back on before adding, "Or, as you may prefer to call it, doing away with subtlety, a murder."
At last, the uncomfortable feeling she had around him was shown to be justified. His words stirred emotions and memories within her that were unpleasant at best; she caught herself jumping to conclusions, but knowing that it might not all be true didn't help. The mere thought that this man could be even remotely connected to the people who caused her husband's untimely demise caused the sick feeling in her stomach to turn into something almost solid, sinking like a rock.
Whatever was or wasn't true, this man was doubtless a killer: one who took lives without remorse, and had the nerve to tell her as much openly despite the chance she could tell someone they'd met. Then, it was no secret; he was definitely one of those terrorist types.
But not the same kind she'd assumed before she thought it out – not simply one of the hooligans who'd call themselves "Jouishishi" for the sake of pretending their actions were justified, acting more impressive and threatening than they were. No, given his manner of speaking and how readily he could admit he was out to kill a specific target, he wasn't out to benefit himself by claiming to be bettering the world.
Did that really make any difference, though? She was soon disgusted with herself as well for even trying to rationalize his behaviour.
Without any real reason for it, the tears that had trimmed her eyes before began to roll down her face. "I'm sorry I wasted so much of your time, then," she said, turning away once more, a subtle quivering in her voice. "I'll leave you alone now. But, may I ask you just to hear me out before I go?"
"Of course. I am always listening." His voice seemed brighter than before, and there was an irony in the words that might have been amusing in another situation.
"That ramen shop of mine. Do you know why I run it alone?" She paused to gather her composure, only to find herself hesitating – would this really do any good? More likely than not, the man would disregard her words entirely, being who he was. But just like with her first unreasonable request, she had come too far now to drop the subject. This might not be taken seriously, but looking like a coward would ruin the chance he could ever take her seriously. "My husband just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Call it bad luck or whatever you'd like, I still don't know all the details."
Her ability to appear determined impressed even her; though her breathing was shallow and her legs felt like they could give out at any moment, she had to get her thoughts across. What other opportunity would she have? No longer trying to hide her crying face, she locked her gaze on the man's sunglasses.
"This errand, assassination, whatever – what do you hope to gain from it? If it's for the greater good, what is one life compared to all the others that will be left behind? Creating more problems for other people under the pretence you're solving your own... do you honestly think that will help anyone?!"
"You raise excellent questions, Ikumatsu-dono." It seemed his good humour was inversely proportionate to how upset she was; now he smiled almost serenely. "And you are absolutely right. It is a good thing, then, that I am not trying to help people. The greater good, you say? There was never anything like that. Such is the nature of war; no matter where you stand on it, it carries on."
He was far too calm about this – more than that, he seemed strangely pleased. But the smile faded as he said, "I do not know where your allegiances lie, or if you are simply keeping out of the conflict out of a grudge or for your own safety, but I am merely following my own loyalties. This world is rotting away regardless of what I do, but I should like to think I am making some kind of difference for it." A dark sort of laugh escaped his lips. "What is it that you believe you are achieving by running a ramen shop? Not causing any problems of your own will unfortunately solve nothing."
Despite – or perhaps because of – this attempt at a rationalization, in Ikumatsu's eyes this man was no different from the others, weaving sinister thoughts into a web of noble ideals. She'd seen too many others being caught in it, drawn by the allure of doing something that seemed right but was far from it.
The most infuriating part was that he, just like another idiot who'd found his way into her life, was someone she had no reason to be involved with. "Allegiance? Please." She crossed her arms and glared at him. "You honestly believe I have any desire to be mixed up all this? I never asked for any of it. You're fortunate that you at least came into this mess of your own free will."
He was fortunate, but she didn't envy him at all. She wished she could say she wasn't interested either – not in his ideals, or whatever he tried to pass off as them, but in himself, this embodiment of conviction and refusal to let anything else get in the way. Everything she wasn't, not all of which was bad.
"As for the shop, I have my reasons." There was really nothing more she could say on the matter; her expression softened somewhat.
"Reasons, hmm...?" He nodded. "I am certain you do. And that is very well; far too often have I seen entire livelihoods abandoned for the sake of survival. Your resilience is quite impressive, I must say." Slowly, he took another step back, his foot slipping slightly on the uneven terrain before he found a good place to put it. "Not only do you hold tightly to what you believe in, you are quick to reject anyone who would seem to contradict it. And yet..." A terrible sort of smirk, different from the smile he'd had before more in intent than actual appearance, spread across his face. "You then proceeded to allow a great threat to your safety to enter your life, a man who was constantly suspicious and represented everything you stand against. And I am not talking about myself."
He knew. And he was being irritating about it rather than threatening. As though she should have expected it. And honestly, shouldn't she have? He may well have heard of her shop from his fellow terrorists because of Katsura in the first place. She couldn't let on how much this unsettled her, lest he try to use it against her.
She took a step toward him, and another, growing frantic once more. "What gives? You're talking as if you're actually concerned about me. It's my business if I–"
Her words were cut short as she found herself tripping, falling in the direction she was walking. Time slowed almost to a stop, not allowing the moment she let her guard down and screwed up to end.
Almost as though this was the man's plan all along. He would still be smirking when she fell into the pond, wouldn't he–
This line of thought stopped as time returned to its normal pace; rather than a collision with the ground or the water, she felt two strong arms catch hold of her. Such cruel irony, that she should be saved by someone she could never trust.
"You ought to be more careful where you step," the man said softly as he made sure she was steady on her feet and let go, moving slowly but not lingering a moment longer than was necessary. "Some may choose to take advantage of that."
"You really should have let me fall." That's the only way a fool like me will ever learn. She looked up at his face in confusion, wondering just what he might have been implying. He'd shown quite clearly he only cared about his own interests – was catching her his way of turning the situation in his favour?
So, what was he gaining from this? There was a faint amusement in his voice as he asked, "What kind of person would I be, to allow one I bear no ill towards to fall?"
The kind I expected. She almost wanted to imagine him considering throwing her in the pond after all – it would make matters less complicated. At last, instead of questioning it, she simply lowered her head and mumbled, "Thank you."
Yet again, it was such a little thing as that that caught him off guard. "You keep saying that, but why there would be a need for it is beyond me. You are correct, I suppose, in expecting the worst from me. And you always did, did you not? Is that a negative impression I give out, or is it in your nature to suspect every person you come across?"
She didn't respond, but he seemed to find an answer anyway, as he frowned and continued, perplexed, "Yet, you asked me, the enemy, to hear your side. And you got to learn more than you bargained for at the same time."
"You're not an enemy," she whispered. No more than Katsura was, at least – and that was complicated.
"Oh? And what has brought you to this conclusion?"
Ikumatsu sighed, turning away before glancing back at him with a weak smile. "You're still listening, aren't you? If you'd like, I wouldn't mind you coming by the shop again sometime soon."
"So this is goodbye for now? Yes, I suppose it would be best – and I shall keep that in mind, if ever I get a chance. My work can get terribly busy."
Though she could have sworn she didn't react outwardly to that last statement, he chuckled slightly as though she'd flinched. Then he bowed politely, making her feel obligated to do the same, and turned to walk away.
She watched him until he managed to blend into the darkness, seeing if he would glance back.
He didn't.
The only things more disturbing than this are the chapters after it.
I was really playing with past vs. present and expectations vs. reality here. And of course bringing up some of Ikumatsu's other important relationships instead of pretending they don't exist for the sake of my own ship.
And on a last note, I'm not going to chase after people to leave detailed reviews, but I'd appreciate if you could leave some sort of little comment with a reaction and/or if you ended up shipping this? For science, you know.