Chapter 93

April 14th 1871 – Colorado Springs

The first train of the morning had carried off both Reverend Dalton and Dr. Cassidy. The much-anticipated departure of the doctor was still a bit unsettling, because Dr. Quinn had yet to return, though her train was due in at any minute. Of course, flowers and forgiveness would not be tossed at her feet the moment she stepped off of the train and onto the platform. There were still mixed feelings toward the lady doctor, the mountain man, and their bastard child.

The sun had risen a quarter of an hour ago, and the shops were just opening up for the day. Carrie was sweeping off the front porch, as her father took things from the store that he would be needing on his journey to the well-paid cattle drive. She had decided not to be bitter about his leaving, because he would come back—maybe in worse condition than before—and then she could try to convince him to settle down and give resting a try. She couldn't really deprive him of what she was certain would be his last cattle drive, considering his age and his physical health.

As she swept, her eyes averted to the sheriff's office, where Daniel and Kid Cole were having a conversation. She could see Daniel's eyes twitch with the need to look over at her, but he was trying with all of his might to pretend she wasn't there. He wasn't doing it to be spiteful, she knew, but he was simply trying to give her space…not just physically but emotionally.

She'd had a lot to think about over the past few days, and the truth of the matter was that she did want a family as much as he did, but there was nothing she could do about it. She'd grown up with the image of a completely different mother in her mind, and she'd just recently learned that that image had been completely wrong, and part of her life had been an out and out lie. The idea of raising a child that wasn't hers and had no idea who its real parents were was a scary, scary thing. But then again, orphaned children needed just as much love as any child, and she knew that. She just couldn't get past her own fears about being a mother, considering all of the children she'd expected hadn't survived.

"Carrie," came Tommy's voice from behind. Carrie whipped around, the dust on the porch flying up with the brush of her skirt.

"You're leaving now?" she asked. He nodded.

"I wouldn't be doin' this if I didn't think it was best. It's best for all of us if I go out and do this."

"I still wish you'd rest a little longer." Tommy cupped his daughter's cheek in his strong, calloused hand.

"I've been doin' nothin' but restin'. I need to prove I can do this. Ya gotta give me that." The look in her eyes flashed of pain and regret, and he sighed. "I know you don't owe me anything after what I've put you through, but if I do this and prove that I can, I won't go anymore. It'll be the last time, Carrie. I promise ya that." Carrie nodded, and she reached out to hug her father, feeling tears stinging the backs of her eyelids.

"Be careful, Pa. I love you, but if you do anything to get yourself hurt, you'll have to answer to me when ya get home." Tommy grinned.

"That's my girl. You sure you're ok? I haven't seen Danny Boy around here lately. You two ok?" Carrie fidgeted nervously before looking up at him, tears sparkling in her eyes.

"Of course! We're getting married, Pa. Why wouldn't we be?" She gave him a smile, not wanting to worry him further by telling him she'd asked Daniel to think long and hard before really deciding if he wanted to marry her or not.

"You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't ya?" he asked, eyeing her. Carrie sighed heavily.

"Nothing's wrong. Go on, Pa, before I rope ya into helpin' me open the store today." Tommy put up his hands.

"I'm goin'. I'm goin'." He reached out to hug her, and he gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Could be a few months." Carrie nodded, unwilling to let him see her cry.

"Goodbye, Pa." Tommy turned and went to his horse, tossing his satchel up over the saddle and mounting up. He gave his daughter one last glance before he rode out of town, leaving her to feel very alone. When she glanced over at the jail, Daniel was no longer there, and Kid Cole was standing there with his arm around Ruth, whispering words to her that nobody else could hear. This brought a sad smile to her face, and she closed her eyes, letting the gentle breeze soothe away her tears.

The sound of the next train quickly approaching town startled her from her thoughts, and she quickly took off her apron, hanging it just inside the door and shutting the shop up. She couldn't wait to greet Michaela and Sully. At the same time, she was dreading it, because she was the one that was going to have to explain everything that had happened, and she wasn't looking forward to breaking the news. Olive was gone, several townsfolk had perished in the epidemic, and even Jake Slicker was dead.

Catching her breath, she started across town and ran the words over and over through her head. Something in her heart told her that if she was the one to say the words aloud, it would be just another step on the road to recovery.

"Welcome to Colorado Springs," Timothy said, giving his daughter's hand a gentle squeeze, rousing her from her sleep. The child's green-blue eyes fluttered open, and she sat up, looking at the mountains that surrounded her, as the train chugged closer and closer to a depot straight ahead. She sleepily looked around, surveying the many differences that Colorado Springs had from Boston. It was much smaller and much less progressed as far as architecture and paved streets, but it looked to be a place of adventure, and Gabby was definitely excited about that.

"We're home!" Johnny whooped. He glanced at Mary with a dare in his eyes. "First one to the creek…" But Sully cut in.

"First thing we're doin' is getting all this luggage put away. Maybe we'll stop off at Grace's after." Sully laughed. Johnny felt his stomach rumble, and he decided that that was probably a good idea. Sully grinned and looked at Michaela, whose pale face was filling with worry. But when he took her hand and squeezed it, she smiled, feeling a little more at ease.

Rebecca was looking out at the beautiful scenery, and when she glanced at Timothy, she saw him swallowing hard, as perspiration began to form at his temples. She knew he was thinking about the town's reaction to the fact that he had a daughter, and she was worried for him. But she knew that somehow, everything was going to work out, and even if it would be difficult to get through, they would get through it.

"Almost there," Sully whispered, as he leaned toward Michaela, brushing a loose strand of hair from her face. "You ready?"

"Do I have a choice?" she asked, trying to hide her worries. But her eyes revealed all. He could think of no words that could ease her worries, so he drew his arm around her and held her close. She smiled, looking up into his eyes and feeling so safe. She saw more truth in those eyes than she saw in the entire world around her. Looking into those eyes and laying in those arms, she felt as if they were the only two people who really understood what was really going on.

The train jolted, as the brakes screeched, and Michaela gripped an overhead bar to keep her balance. Johnny, Mary, and Gabby ran to look at the depot that awaited them, but it was practically deserted, save for the two or three people who stood at the platform.

"Look! There's Carrie!" Johnny said quickly. "And Mr. Bing!" Johnny waved excitedly, and they waved in return. Michaela swallowed the lump in her throat that didn't seem to want to go down, and the knot in her stomach began to twist and tighten and grow.

When the train stopped, Michaela felt her heart stop as well, and she closed her eyes, the feeling of trying to keep her head above water overcoming her once again. She'd gone through it in Boston for a while, but coming back to the place she now called home was difficult. She knew these people, and feeling judged by your friends and loved ones was a worse feeling than any she'd ever known. She refused to let herself feel as if she'd done something wrong, because she hadn't, no matter what anybody said. She and Sully were in this together, and they would make it through Hell or high water, and she was pretty certain they'd already gone through enough hell to last a lifetime.

The children were the first off of the train. Johnny took the lead with Mary a step behind him. Gabby had lingered behind, waiting for her father and Rebecca, but once the fresh, mountain air hit her, she seemed to perk up and rushed after her friends.

Timothy and Rebecca were next off of the train, and then it was Michaela and Sully's turn. Sully noticed that she'd closed her eyes, and she was leaning against the wall, and he saw a look of discontent cross her face.

"Michaela?"

"Hmm?"

"It's time to go." She nodded, and she took his hand, following him off of the train and onto the platform, where Carrie was the first to greet them.

"Dr. Mike! Welcome back!" she said with a voice that held a hint of desperation and relief at the same time. Michaela's own expression filled with slight relief at her first welcome greeting.

"Carrie," Michaela said with a smile. "How are you feeling?"

"You've been here for fifteen seconds and you're already worried about me?" She shook her head. "It's good to have you back, Dr. Mike. It's been Hell with that awful doctor you left us with."

"Doctor Cassidy?" Michaela asked, raising a brow. Carrie nodded bitterly. Perhaps the only decent thing he'd done sine he had arrived was not save Jake Slicker's miserable life. It wasn't as if he could have done anything about it anyway.

"He was terrible, Dr. Mike. He turned patients away and…well, he didn't have the best bedside manner either." She shook her head.

"Carrie," Sully said, stepping up behind Michaela.

"Hey Sully," she said with a smile. "Good to see ya."

"You too," he said with a nod, as his arms circled Michaela's waist. She smiled, leaning against him and not minding such a public display. It was a comfort to be so close to him. "Hate to cut this short, but…" A gleam appeared in Michaela's eyes.

"But he's insisting that I rest, when I'm feeling perfectly fine," Michaela said with a twinkle in her eyes. Carrie smiled sadly and nodded her head. "But I'd rather eat first. I'm starving." Sully nodded and squeezed her hand.

"There's a lot to tell you both," Carrie said quietly, as Sully left to help Timothy with the luggage.

"Oh?" Michaela asked.

"So much…so much has happened, and I don't even think you'd believe me if I told ya." Michaela could see the hint of tears in the younger woman's eyes, and she frowned worriedly.

"Has something happened? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I'm…" She swallowed hard. "Why don't we talk about it at Grace's?" Michaela nodded.

"That sounds like a lovely idea," she decided. Then, she called over to Sully to inform him of where to meet her, and with that, she and Carrie were off to Grace's.

Cheyenne Reservation

"The Spirits say our friends have returned." Snow Bird looked over at her wise husband and smiled.

"They've spoken to me as well," she replied, her hand dancing across her swollen abdomen. "I look forward to meeting with her again."

"You do not trust my judgment?" Cloud Dancing asked. She smiled.

"Of course I do, husband, but you are not a woman." He raised an eyebrow, as he caught a chuckle from his wife, and he shook his head.

"It will do you good to have such a friend back." He placed his hand upon her stomach. "It will do you both some good."

"Their wedding approaches, and with it, the birth of their child."

"Which is many, many moons away," he reminded her.

"Have the Spirits spoken to you of their wedding again?" Cloud Dancing nodded his head.

"Many times. They are destined to be together…one way or another."

Colorado Springs

"I can't believe this," Michaela whispered, trying to retain all of this knew knowledge, but it was so hard to understand. Anger was rapidly rising within her, and it was only directed at herself. "I should have been here."

"Don't go blamin' yourself. Your ma needed you," Carrie insisted.

"I'm the one that left that…that incompetent…"

"Ya didn't know. All ya heard was hearsay, and from what them fancy journals said, he was one of the best. Maybe so, but he couldn't do much for those folks here…if he even tried at all."

"But Diphtheria," Michaela said, shaking her head with grief, "I should have been here to help."

"You and me both know that there's no way you coulda known that'd happen."

"But she was your mother!"

"You didn't know that either," Carrie replied. "Dr. Mike, stop blamin' yourself. I thought you had a right to know…from somebody who'd tell it right. Folks here got a lot of anger in 'em, but I think they're gonna be happy to have you back. I heard Hank say it himself."

"Hank?"

"Yep," Carrie replied with a nod, as Grace sauntered over to the table.

"Dr. Mike, you sure are a sight for sore eyes," she grinned. "It hasn't been the same around here without ya."

"Thank you, Grace. It's good to be back." She smiled and jumped in surprise, when Grace moved to put her hand on Michaela's belly.

"That little one kickin' yet?"

"Not yet," Michaela replied, worry beginning to crease her brow, even though she knew it was a little too early to feel anything yet.

"Don't worry, Dr. Mike. Pretty soon, it'll be kickin' when ya don't want it to." Michaela smiled at Grace's reassurance. "By the way, I heard folks sayin' somethin' about a little blonde girl that went toward the church with the Reverend. Who is she?" Michaela stiffened, and she cleared her throat.

"I think it would be best if the Reverend explained that himself." Carrie and Grace exchanged glances, before Mary came running up.

"Aunt Michaela!" she exclaimed. "Look!"

"What is it, sweetheart?" Mary opened up her locket, showing Michaela the picture inside.

"Uncle Sully got the picture for me," she beamed. Michaela grinned.

"That's lovely, sweetheart. Where is your uncle Sully?"

"He said he'd be here in a minute," she replied. Michaela nodded. "I'm gonna go play now."

"Alright," Michaela laughed. The little girl's vernacular seemed to be slipping a little, but that certainly couldn't be helped, considering the child was a full-fledged Colorado Springs citizen now.

"How've you been doin', Dr. Mike?" Grace asked.

"A lot has happened."

"I got your telegram when your ma died," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry…"

"Thank you," she said sadly. "Mother had a lot of surprises…"

"Surprises?" Michaela nodded and leaned in. Carrie and Grace leaned in too, realizing this was something that Michaela didn't want to get around town. They certainly weren't going to tell anyone.

"She left me twenty thousand dollars to start a hospital here in Colorado Springs." Both Carrie and Grace's jaws dropped. "I know. It's a lot of money. It's…it's a big step, but I think it's a wonderful idea."

"It is," Carrie said slowly. "Dr. Mike, you could do a lot. You could hire more doctors and…" She saw Michaela's eyes lower. "That's what you're worried about? You're worried that more doctors'll come and people won't come to you?"

"I'm not…I'm not worried about that," Michaela explained, "but after everything, I feel as if even if I put all of my energy into the hospital, it won't change the way people feel about me. I know I shouldn't care. I know the choices I've made, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to feel as if I belong." Grace took Michaela's hand in hers.

"You do belong, Dr. Mike," Grace soothed. "Most the folks here didn't know what to do without ya. Even Ruth Cole wouldn't go see Doc Cassidy." Michaela looked up.

"Ruth?"

"She was feelin' poorly for a little while." Michaela nodded.

"I'll go check on her later." She sighed heavily. "I just wish I'd have been here to help…"

"Dr. Mike, that was a vicious epidemic," Grace reminded her. "The best thing for ya was probably to be farther away."

"I wouldn't have turned a patient away. I could have done…something."

"Don't beat yourself up, Dr. Mike. You were with your ma, and that's where ya needed to be," Carrie said sadly. "You're lucky you got to her…" Michaela nodded, and she sighed softly.

"Olive was a good woman. She wouldn't have…kept that secret without a good reason."

"I know," Carrie said rather stiffly. "I'm movin' on, Dr. Mike."

"I can see that," Michaela said, nodding to the engagement ring with a smile on her face. Carrie blushed deeply, and she tucked her hand under the table.

"Yeah," she said quietly, "that's another story altogether." She looked as if she desperately wanted to change the subject, so Michaela stood up.

"I hate to cut this short, but I'd like to visit Olive's grave; I need to say goodbye." Carrie and Grace nodded.

"I'll pack your order up and send it with ya." Michaela nodded and followed Grace to get her food, and then she was off to the graveyard.

"Good to have ya back, Sully," Robert E. said, patting him on the back, as he held Olivia on his hip. "I'd take ya out there right now and show ya how things are lookin' at the homestead, but I got Olivia here, and she's kinda fussy today. Don't wanna take her too far from her ma." Sully nodded.

"That's alright. I'm gonna take Michaela out there just as soon as she gets some rest." He paused, glancing at his friend awkwardly. "I'm gonna pay ya back for your help." Robert E. shook his head adamantly.

"I already told ya before ya left that I don't want anymore your money. Me and Grace talked about it, and we decided that ya already paid us plenty."

"I gotta pay ya somethin'." Robert E. thought for a moment until Sully saw a look of almost pure genius wash over his face.

"Just baby-sit Olivia today, and ya got yourself a deal. If ya ain't too tired from your trip, that is." Sully stared at his friend for a moment and nodded, a chuckle resounding from the back of his throat.

"I ain't too tired, but…that's it?" He certainly didn't see how watching a beautiful little baby girl could be so difficult, when he'd had three children of his own and one on the way.

"She's a handful, I assure ya," Robert E. laughed. "Believe me, I think once is plenty enough, but if it ain't, you're more than welcome to watch her anytime." Sully laughed and took Olivia into his arms.

"Well, I guess ya got yourself a deal, but I still don't feel like we're even."

"Don't think anything of it."

"You sure? 'Cause I…" Robert E. held up his hands and nodded.

"You're a good man, Sully." He pat him on the back. "Good luck." Robert E. walked off toward the livery, leaving Sully on the porch of the clinic with baby Olivia.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, but his question fell on deaf ears. He looked down at Olivia, who was grinning up at him. "How difficult can she be?"

"I don't even know where to begin, Olive. You…you were a good friend to me. You were there for me when you found out I was pregnant. You were…accepting of me, and now I see it was because you had your own secrets. You were a good woman, and I admired you. You were strong, and you carried a lot of burdens. But you never complained. Look at me. I feel so lucky to be getting married and having a baby with the man I love. But I can't help but worry at least thirty seconds of every hour about how things will change. I feel so selfish. I made these choices, and I'm living with them, and I want to. I just…something inside of me feels disconnected…like I just want to hide." She hung her head. "I feel so ashamed, and I wish…I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you about this."

"You can talk to me." Michaela gasped and turned, coming face to face with Sully, who held Olivia on his hip.

"Sully," she whispered, tears in her eyes.

"I didn't mean to…I just…"

"It's alright," she breathed. "I'm finished here." She turned back to Olive's grave. "Goodbye, Olive. You'll be missed." When she turned back to Sully, she frowned, her lower lip quivering. "I know I can talk to you, Sully. I just…I feel ashamed that I feel this way." Sully put his arm around her and led her from the graveyard.

"Ya ain't the only one." She looked up at him. "Sometimes I feel guilty, 'cause if it wasn't for me, ya wouldn't have to feel this way." She shook her head.

"Sully, you know we were both thinking clearly when we decided to continue our relationship like this. I'm not ashamed of that, but the part of me that has needed acceptance since I was just a little girl keeps knotting up and telling me that people are looking at me differently…whispering. I know they are, Sully, and the other part of me doesn't care. I just wish I knew what I was truly feeling." Sully sighed softly and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head.

"Ya want this baby?" he asked. She nodded, tears in her eyes.

"More than anything."

"And ya want to marry me?"

"How could you even question that? Of course I want to marry you." Her eyes were brimming with tears now, and she sighed softly, looking down.. "I feel like I'm letting our baby down by feeling this way."

"Our baby is gonna know it's loved, Michaela. It's gonna know the struggles we went through to bring it into this world. It's gonna know how strong it's ma is, 'cause she's the bravest lady there is."

"Brave?" she asked. "I don't think so. Not anymore." He shook his head.

"'Course ya are. Ya got the bravest, kindest heart, Michaela. If ya weren't brave, ya wouldn't be standin' here carryin' our child. Ya wouldn't have come back to Colorado Springs, when ya were so worried 'bout how people were gonna react. Nobody can blame ya for bein' worried. Anybody would be. What makes ya brave is that despite everything, you're keepin' your head up, and you're doin' what you know is right."

"I know," she whispered, "but…I don't feel like I even deserve this baby anymore."

"Why would ya say that?"

"I know we've talked about it before, but people are going to continue to talk. I feel selfish for wanting this baby, when it's going to have to suffer the consequences. Children can be so cruel, Sully! Children tease and find anything to make fun of one another for. I can take the harassment, but Sully, I couldn't stand watching our child hurt because of us." Sully sighed heavily, and he adjusted Olivia in his arms, as she started to get fussy.

"Our baby is gonna be strong."

"Sully, you can't just say that! No matter how strong a child is, the other children just get even more cruel…anything to break a person's spirit." She shook her head. "This child deserves so much better than that." Tears spilled from her eyes, and Sully wished there was something he could do. He felt a twinge of guilt every day just thinking about what could happen after the baby was born, but having Michaela paint the picture so vividly before him was crushing him.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there, Michaela. We don't have to think about it right now."

"But we do, Sully! This child isn't even born yet, and already people are shaking their heads as they walk by. We haven't been here more than an hour, and I've already seen it. Imagine what will happen once the baby gets here."

"When the baby gets here, we'll be married, and…"

"And people will still remember that…that we weren't married when we conceived this baby. I don't regret being with you, Sully. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that I feel selfish for thinking that everything would be all right. What if our baby grows up thinking that we were wrong…resenting the fact that that we were…"

"Our baby ain't gonna think that, Michaela. If our baby is anything like you or like me, it's gonna have compassion, and it's gonna understand that people do things for one reason or another. Our baby's gonna know that it was brought into this world with more love than anybody else on this earth. Ya gotta hold onto that, Michaela, 'cause I ain't so sure what else there is to hold onto." Michaela looked into his eyes.

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know, Michaela. I don't know what we've got to look forward to. I just know it ain't gonna be easy. I want our family to be safe and happy, and I know that it's gonna be hard to make things that way for a while, 'cause as many people we got supportin' us, there are still a lot that don't approve, and that's ok too. We can't change people, but it's gonna take time for 'em to accept it and move on. What we gotta remember is that we've got each other, and we got our friends. I'm goin' into this just as blind as you are, 'cause every day I fear what's gonna happen once the baby gets old enough to ask questions about why people look at her different or why people whisper when she walks by." Michaela could hear his voice breaking. "I don't know how to tell her why. But I'm sure not gonna let her feel like she ain't loved." Michaela let out a little sob, as she saw him fighting off tears.

"Sully, I don't want her to have to feel that way. I want her to be a normal, happy, healthy child. I want…I want so many things that I know I don't have the right to ask for. But this is my child…our child." Sully nodded, and he took a shaky breath.

"This is our child, Michaela. Our child. That means it's up to us to make her feel important…to make her feel special. It ain't up to nobody else. We both already love this baby more than anything, and I'm willin' to do whatever it takes to make sure she…or he…is happy and healthy. I'll do whatever it takes to make that baby smile every single day. If it takes movin' away and startin' over, I'll do it, 'cause this family is the most important thing in my life."

The breeze began to blow, and somehow, it relaxed Michaela. She took a few deep breaths, closing her eyes, as the tears warmed her cheeks.

"You don't know how badly I want to make this right for our baby, Sully," she whispered.

"We'll make it right."

"How?"

"By lovin' her," he said softly. Michaela closed her eyes, feeling the truth in his words, and she fell against his chest, her tears soaking through his shirt. He held her close with one arm and gently kissed the top of her head before whispering once again, "by lovin' her."