Chapter 3
Jacob
The last three days passed in a blur.
We lost a baby. A baby we didn't even think we could have. It was surreal that she had even been pregnant. The news was just beginning to sink in. And now…now it was over. I had always wanted to have a child. I had been so excited to learn that I was going to be a father. To have a daughter or son running around the house, screaming and laughing; teaching them to fish, hunt, and carve wood like my father had taught me. But now, that future we would have had has been taken from us right under our feet, knocking Nessie and I straight to the ground.
"She's not coming out," Bella sighed, bringing me out of my thoughts. "I've tried everything."
We've all tried everything. She hadn't budged. She'd been in her room since the miscarriage.
"Give her some time, love." Edward wrapped his arms around Bella and gave her a small kiss. "She'll come around."
Bella sighed. "I don't like seeing her this way."
"I know, love," Edward murmured.
"There has to be something we can do," I said. I stood from the couch "She can't stay in there forever,"
"Just let this run its course, Jacob." Edward said. "She'll come around when she's ready."
I stood for a moment, silent, thinking. Soon, an idea crossed my mind. I grabbed my jacket off the couch, and left the cottage quickly, not verbalizing my plan. I drove off the Cullen Compound, and headed towards Port Angeles. There's a video store there that sells classic horror films from the 1930's on. They have all of Nessie's favorites—The Birds, Psycho, Dawn of the Dead, Dracula, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Silence of the Lambs, Salem's Lot, and many, many more. I ended up getting Silence of the Lambs, along with some M&Ms and popcorn.
When I got back to the cottage, both Edward and Bella were gone, leaving the house to myself and Renesmee. I popped the popcorn, and mixed the chocolate candies with it. I went to her door, and knocked on it lightly.
Renesmee answered, opening the door so I could only see her face. "What do you want?"
"I thought you'd like to have that date we planned," I lifted the DVD and bowl of popcorn.
"I'm not in the mood," Nessie turned, beginning to shut the door. I put my foot in the door.
"You're sure?" l prompted. "It's your favorite. I also have an all meat pizza being delivered—your favorite."
"Jacob, I'm really not in the mood."
"Fine. If you want to join me later, I'll be in the living room."
She nodded, and I moved my foot so she could shut the door. I went into the living room, and started the movie. About halfway through it, after the pizza had arrived, Nessie crept from out of her room. She was wearing yoga pants and an old tank-top, with a light robe over top. She silently sat down next to me, and focused on the screen.
"Do you want any?" I motioned towards the food on the coffee table.
"No…" she murmured, shaking her head. She kept her eyes focused on the movie, as Hannibal began tearing the face off of the officer in his cell.
"How could they be so stupid?" Nessie questioned. "They have the most criminally insane, cannibalistic man on the planet, but they leave him in a partially open cage-like cell, and only handcuff him when they give him his meals. Obviously, he can easily get out of the handcuffs and attack them." She turned to me.
I nodded in agreement. "Well, that's the American police for you,"
She smiled briefly, and turned back to the movie. By its end, she was crying silently.
"I want to watch it again," She said calmly through her tears.
"Of course." I grabbed the remote, and pressed 'play' when the menu popped up again. The opening music played softly in the background as Clarice Starling ran through the woods.
"Jake?" Nessie looked at me and grabbed my hand. She showed me an image of a baby.
I wanted that baby more than I've wanted anything. Her thoughts mix with mine.
And now…he's gone. The child disappeared in a rush of red smoke.
"We could always try again," I offered. "Whenever you're up to it, we can try again."
Nessie shook her head. "That pregnancy was a fluke," she held. "It wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. How can you tell that it won't end in another miscarriage?"
I was silent.
She sighed. "I don't know…" she trailed off. "I wanted him. He was my baby. But now…" she shook her head.
"Now he's gone."
I turned my body towards hers. "I wanted him to," I cupped my hand over her cheek, wiping away a stray tear with my thumb.
"I meant what I said about trying again," I stated. "As soon as you're ready, we can try again. If we can get pregnant once, I'm sure it can happen again.
"Oh, Jake…" Renesmee sniffed. "Thank you."
"Anything for you," I kissed her softly, and lingered for a few moments.
"I love you," I murmured, my forehead touching hers.
"I love you, too." She replied quietly.
"How about we go somewhere tonight, just the two of us?" I offered, pulling my face away from hers.
"You should get out, just for a little bit."
"It'd be a nice change," she agreed.
"I have a standing reservation in Seattle tonight, and two tickets to The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight at the Paramount."
"Even though you knew there was a chance I wouldn't want to go?" Nessie smirked.
"I'm a betting man," I smiled. "But I knew you couldn't resist your favorite show."
Nessie was silent.
"Would you like to go out with me tonight?" I asked again, as if I were asking her on a first date.
She remained silent, biting her lips with her delicate eyebrows knitted together in thought.
"Ness?" I questioned after a few minutes.
"I'm going to take a shower," she stated slowly, looking back up at me.
"Pick me up in an hour?"
I lifted my eyebrows, my whole face nearly lighting into a smile. "See you in an hour, beautiful." I kissed her forehead, slid off the couch, and left the cottage, shutting the door softly on my way out.
"I love you, Jacob." I heard her whisper from inside the cottage. I smiled brightly to myself as I stood on the front porch.
"Love you more," I found myself saying, putting my hands in my pockets. I stepped off the porch, and began walking back to my car.
I found it hard not to smile as I drove home. Nessie acting happier made me want to jump to the moon and back. But there was always the dragging thought of my unborn child that made my smile falter. Always.
xXx
Renesmee
Three weeks passed since the miscarriage. I'm still not what I would call 'healed'. I still felt an emanating emptiness inside of me that used to be a baby.
Carlisle told me that he should have realized sooner that the embryo wasn't going to live much past our meeting—that a heartbeat hadn't shown up on the sonogram. He apologized profusely for not noticing it sooner. He also said that the miscarriage resulted from a compilation of things—one of them being our theory about my ability to conceive and carry a child to full term. He told me that Jacob and I could always keep trying, if we wanted to.
If I were still pregnant, I'd be six weeks along—eighteen weeks for a human, according to Carlisle. He'd have fingers and toes, nails, and a beating heart that we could hear with a stethoscope. He would be able to move inside of me. He'd have eyelids. If my body allowed, we'd be able to tell the sex, and decide on a name. The nursery would have been in the process of being built, with parts for a crib, dresser, and changing table around the room, as it was in the process of being painted. I would have been halfway through with my pregnancy.
But that experience was taken away from me…from us, abruptly. The pain from that day still lingers in my chest, and it hurts worse whenever I think of trying again.
After the miscarriage, I had talked to Mom about what Daddy really thought about Jacob and I having a child before marriage.
"Hey," I smiled, walking into the living room where Mom was reading. "Can I talk to you?"
"Of course," Mom smiled, and put her book down. "What is it?"
"Can you put your shield up?" Daddy was hunting, so he couldn't hear us, but I couldn't tell if he was in range
Mom furrowed her eyebrows, but did as I asked. "There," she said, "what do you need to talk to me about?"
"Was…was Daddy mad that Jacob and I were going to have a baby without being married?"
Mom sighed heavily. "Well, sweetheart, the pregnancy was so unexpected that he wasn't mad at you two for that. All he wants is for your safety and happiness."
"Mom." That hadn't been my question.
She hesitated. "He'd never tell you this himself, so both of you need to watch your thoughts around him. But, yes, I think he would be hurt if it were to happen."
I nodded. I figured that would have been her answer. "Thanks, Mom."
"Anytime, sweetheart." She pressed her icy lips against my forehead. "I love you."
"Love you too, Mom." I smiled.
After the conversation with Mom, I decided to wait to try again until Jacob and I were married. I couldn't live with myself if I disappointed Daddy like that.
"Ness?" Jacob interrupted my thoughts. "Nessie, what are you thinking about?"
"Hmm?" I looked from my book.
"You've been staring at the same page for twenty minutes, Ness." He smiled. "What were you thinking about?"
"Nothing," I smiled lightly, beginning to play with Jake's fingers.
"Nothing?" He raised his eyebrows, and smiled coyly.
"Oh, stop," I laughed, as Jake began kissing my neck. "I'm really not in the mood."
"You alright?"
I choked on a laugh. "No." My smile faltered, and a fat tear dripped down my face.
"Well, then I'm going to have to fix that," Jacob stood from the couch. I heard a click on the Xbox, and music following.
I must have been through about a million girls. I'd love 'em then I'd leave 'em alone. I didn't care how much they cried, no sir. Their tears left me cold as stone.
But then I fooled around and fell in love…
"Come with me," He stood me from the couch, flashing a white smile, as he dragged me to the middle of the living room.
"Jake, I don't…"
"Ness," Jake wrapped an arm around my waist, and lifted my chin with his other hand.
"Shut up." He gave me a chaste kiss, and placed his hand on my hip while in the kiss. I slowly closed my eyes, allowing myself to melt into him.
It used to be when I'd see a girl that I liked, I'd get out my book and write down her name. But when the grass got a little greener on the other side, I'd just tear out that page.
But then I fooled around and fell in love. I fooled around and fell in love. Since I met you baby, I fooled around and fell in love. I fooled around and fell in love
I left the kiss, and buried my head in the hollow space between his neck and shoulder, and cried.
Jacob rested his chin on my head, rubbing the small of my back.
"It's okay," he said quietly. "Everything's going to be alright."
I bit my lip, nodding. I was beginning to believe that he was right.