A deep breath."I lie about many things, but when I say I love you both, I truly mean it. Kyouko Kirigiri, and Sayaka Maizono. I would like to say that I love you both very dearly from the bottom of my heart."
Things were fine. Things never happened. Celestia cared. Too much that is. She had asked Kirigiri a few days later if she was doing okay. "I'm faring well, Taeko." She had said, always. Or it was in this type of wording. "…I'm fair."
The gambler knew it was a vain attempt to even try to pry out the truth from the detective. Yet, she respected her boundaries, even though it pained her dearly so. The twin-drilled girl hadn't said much to either Sayaka or Kirigiri for the next few days. Hopefully the two of them understood she needed time to control her inner conflict. The two of them thankfully enough didn't mind. Of course they didn't mind. Detective and idol held their own secret, whether Celestia knew or not.
The exams were edging closely by and it had arrived for the three of them. These several days they had taken precious time indoors, sipping tea, coffee or even hot chocolate to study for this exam. They needed to do good academically. Celestia's scarlet eyes gazed to her cell phone. She wanted to speak to Kirigiri…or even Sayaka. She felt lonely. No. She shook her head vigorously. Celestia couldn't dare talk to Kirigiri or Sayaka. Especially to Kirigiri. Ever since of the Christmas party at the Togami family's mansion.
Nothing will ever remove the sight of her beloved shedding tears of agony and despair. A pale hand clutched onto white fabric, scrunching it up lightly. Celestia placed her pencil down. Perhaps some tea would calm her raging heartbeat? As well as perhaps it would help her ease the pain and tension she felt as well. Making way to the kitchen she prepared some tea for herself. Instead of a tea cup, she used a large cup. No time for elegance. No need. After all, she was alone during the day, since both of her parents worked.
The gambler decided to check her Skype, to see if someone was on for her to chitchat with. She appeared offline, she didn't want too many people hoarding her with messages all at once. Her heart beat skipped a beat since she had found Kirigiri online, but on busy. The detective did this quite often. The lilac girl required peace and quiet and would only talk when she deemed it necessary for her sake. Sayaka wasn't on, and it was understandable. Being an idol took a lot of your time.
Sighing, the gambler closed her laptop and continued on her studies. The exam was tomorrow, needed to stuff all the knowledge into her head. At night, the scarlet-eyed girl gave a text message to both Kirigiri and Sayaka. However, only one replied. That person being Sayaka.
Exams were dreadful. No one liked them. Everyone was placed in the gym, seats and desks placed in an orderly fashion. They were to sit in alphabetical order from A-Z, last name. Celestia, having the last name "Yasuhiro" was seated nearly last. God, she hated her own name so, but she found it a blessing whenever Kirigiri mentioned it. Perhaps eventually she'll come to love her own name. She was told many a time it was far more beautiful than "Celestia Ludenberg."
Silence combined with the sounds of papers flipping and pencils gnawing and clawing at the desk, the tension was thick. Those who studied enough bore a lesser tension compared to those who were simply "winging it." Before the exam had begun, the gambler had stared at the idol and the detective, admiring them from the distance. Kirigiri would stare back from the corner of her eyes, lips set in a calm stance, nothing more, nothing less. The fact the other didn't smile or respond to her of late bothered the raven-haired girl, but it was her fault. Karma is a bitch after all.
Surprisingly, Sayaka had left earlier than both her and Kirigiri. She gave the idol a look, to see the blue-haired girl to signal for her to talk to her after she was done. This didn't help Celestia ease her nerves. This exam was already clawing at her already. Sighing, scarlet eyes continued to skim the black ink on the sheets of paper, mechanical pencil set down and trailing its marks onto white.
"Maizono-san? You needed to speak to me?" the gambler asked, once outside of the school building, finally done with the dreadful exam.
The snow felt colder than usual, despite its gentle touches and falls. The idol stuffed her hands into jacket pocket, cold, blue ocean eyes glaring at scarlet. Normally Celestia was intimidated, but for the other bear such grim eyes, it had to be extremely serious.
"Yes, Celestia. I did. In fact, it's about you, me and Kirigiri-san."
Ouch. Way to rip a rose petal from the rose itself. Celestia remained calm, frowning. "Of course." She can't lie or deny anymore.
"Look, I know this has been going on for far too long. I know it's not like it was years or like several months, but it still doesn't stop the fact that it hurts."
Celestia didn't respond, but merely looked down. A sign of weakness. How pathetic of you Taeko. Sayaka frowned, taking a step forward. The gambler could feel hands on her shoulders, the coldness slightly going through her own jacket. "Taeko Yasuhiro." The idol hissed, and she had watched the gambler cringe lightly, trembling. "You are a cruel, cruel person. Keeping both Kirigiri and I in filthy god damn lies. Lies that were not needed to be done."
I'm sorry.
"You think you can take what you like and think you're everything do you?"
I'm sorry.
"Who do you love?"
I'm sorry.
"Who. Do. You. Love?"
I'm sorry.
The more Celestia remained quiet, the more the idol could feel her rage spiking up by the second. Sayaka was never the one to show any signs of malice. She was gentle, happy, bubbly, someone you would never expect to snap like a twig. She did at this very moment, all because she had enough of this agonizing pain. The fact that Kirigiri, her dear friend was also hurt in this process didn't make it any better.
I'm sorry.
The raven-haired girl had found herself against the cold walls of the school building, the idol pinning her in place. Celestia couldn't respond. What could she say? Nothing would justify it. Sayaka's words tore her apart, like a rose flower forced to wilt and decay. That's what she was right now. Decaying from guilt. Decaying from the fact she fell in love with two amazing people that she dared attempt to have at the same time. Even when Sayaka's words lessened down to a nicer tone, it was still deaf in her ears.
I'm sorry.
Ah…she's taking her rage out on me again…I deserve this. Please go on.
I'm sorry.
Celestia Ludenberg was not one to cry, but Taeko Yasuhiro was. At least, Taeko was one to feel much more empathy and emotion compared to the fake figure covering her place. It was like the gods had heard her prayer once she felt Sayaka's presence away from her. But that was also a curse. K-Kyouko…
"Maizono-san. I do not believe yelling at her would benefit you." The detective answered, forcing the idol away from the gambler.
"She is the one that hurt you Kirigiri-san! Are you going to let her get away with that so easily?!" Sayaka screeched, hands gripping onto the detective's arms tightly. "She hurt you! She hurt me! Doesn't that justify anything?!"
Kirigiri let out a loud sigh. "I know Maizono-san. I know. Yet, anger does not solve anything. We both have every right to feel the way we do. For that, leave it be."
Why are you defending me?
"Maizono-san. It is best that you separate from her."
Why?
"…what about you, Kirigiri-san? Are you going to stay with her?"
Kirigiri remained frozen in spot, her lilac locks gently trailing with the small icy wind. "…I will decide what to do. For now, it is best you go home and rest. You talked to her like you have told me back at the Christmas party. You done what is necessary."
Sayaka sighed in defeat. "Fine. But know the SHSL Gambler is a filthy liar and bitch. I wonder why I dared fall in love with her in the first place."
"…I-I'm sorry…" Celestia's voice cracked as she finally found the courage to speak. "I-I'm sorry…"
Lilac and blue stared at scarlet. No words were spoken. The silence was tense, but Celestia found the blade to slide through it. "I-I never wanted any of this to happen…p-please I'm sorry!"
More silence.
"Who do you love?" Sayaka grumbled, gaze dark and grim as she stared down at the white ground below her.
A deep breath. "I lie about many things, but when I say I love you both, I truly mean it. Kyouko Kirigiri, and Sayaka Maizono. I would like to say that I love you both very dearly from the bottom of my heart."
The idol had sniffled a little before she forced herself away, a faint, crushed farewell to both the detective and gambler. Kirigiri, despite being in the middle of this bore a solemn face before she turned her back on Celestia. "I'll walk you home." She said.
Crushed from the idol's response, Celestia followed reluctantly, clinging onto Kirigiri's arm. The detective remained silent, no words, no gestures, just simply walking as if she was programmed to do so. Once they had reached the fork, Kirigiri was the first to speak, and she had kept her back on the gothic gambler. "Taeko. It is best that you and I avoid seeing each other for a while."
Breath hitching, the gambler quietly whimpered to herself. She wanted to beg for the detective to stay. Her heart can't take much more of this. "It would be wise that Sayaka Maizono stays away from you as well. I cannot force you to stay away, but it would benefit you and her if you do so."
"W-what makes you say that staying away from both of you would help!? I love you! I love you Kyouko!" Tears. She felt tears from the corner of her scarlet eyes.
Lilac eyes looked back dully, and for that very moment, Celestia Ludenberg shattered. Taeko Yasuhiro stared in horror at the despair, the pain, the sorrow, everything in the stoic girl's eyes. Without a word, Kirigiri left, the sound of crunching snow began to dim and the gambler remained by herself, her back turned against Kirigiri who was now long gone.
Tears. More and more tears formed, and they continued to pour down the pale skin of the gambler's cheeks, an endless stream that never ceased to bear the hurt from the heart. Once home, Taeko let herself loose. Sobs and wails were heard, she had fallen onto her knees crying for the foolish gamble she decided to take. She said she was ready, she said was willing to take this gamble. How she was so wrong to herself. How foolish it was to love two. And they were gone. Long gone. Kyouko Kirigiri disappeared in the mist. Sayaka Maizono merged in a crowd.
The winter holidays were a nightmare for Celestia. It would be foolish to even try talking to them. Many a day, she would isolate herself and cry at her worse point. Other times she would force her shattered composure up, snarling and growling at herself. She told herself she needed to stop being a whiny baby. She set this entire curse up for herself.
Internal conflict is hell. In fact, it's the definition of why do I even bother anymore? I want this, but I want that! You can't have both and even one is not enough to satisfy you. Greedy and filthy. Causes more pain than anything else.
Back at school once the holidays ended, everything seemed cheerful. Hugs and gossip, laughter and smiles. Celestia Ludenberg and Taeko Yasuhiro found no reason to be in such happy acts. Her heart was completely broken, but she wouldn't dare force it. Whenever Sayaka was around, the idol would force a smile and walk away. With Kirigiri, she would speak in a monotone voice before excusing herself.
God damn it! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! Each day hurt, each second, minute and hour burned the gambler's heart and mind constantly. She fell into despair, the sorrows. So much to the point Junko had avoided doing any pranks on her. Hagakure would frown. He knew very well his fortune-telling was accurate. He wanted to help, but he didn't know how to. The fortune-teller would grab someone like Naegi to see if he could cheer her up.
The gambler would force a smile and Naegi could tell immediately it was a broken attempt of a façade. One day after school, he invited her over to his place. He was alone. His sister was busy with extracurricular activities and his parents were working. That moment, Celestia raised her voice unintentionally. She immediately cowered shortly after. She wasn't thinking straight. But fortunately for her, Naegi had the heart and empathy to understand.
For the next several hours, the twin-drilled girl continued to cry, sob and spill her heart out to the boy. He did all he could to comfort her, to console her, but that wasn't enough. By the end of the day she had went home late, her parents had tried asking her what was wrong, but she didn't want to talk about it.
Each day was similar to this. Everyone could see the composure of the gambler crack and shatter each day. Oh they worried. Asahina would try cheering her up. Mukuro would squeeze her shoulder gently. Naegi continued to provide words of advice. Everyone but Kirigiri and Sayaka were involved. The two disappeared from the group often. Hagakure had revealed the truth on what he had seen on the day they wanted to look at futures and fortunes. Celestia cringed, but had nothing to say.
Valentine's Day was the devil for her. Everyone being all fluffy and romantic, all of this sickened her stomach and emotions. She missed being in Kirigiri's arms. She missed Sayaka's melodic voice. She can't have that anymore can she?
The end of the school day arrived. Feeling herself bump into someone she quickly excused herself to find Junko huffing at her. "Oi oi! Watch where you're going Celestia! Gods the despair has taken you hostage man. It's been over a month since of the breakup and you can't even function normally."
A frown. "…I don't have time for your games Enoshima-san. Please."
"Time for my games? Oh at least my games don't fucking break hearts. Upupupupu~"
Ouch. "Junko-chan. That wasn't nice. It's never okay to put salt on someone's wounds." A cheery voice came nearby, footsteps approaching the two girls.
"Gah, well it's true after all isn't it Asahina? Celestia fucked up and put this all for herself."
"Stop. She loves them both with her entire heart. You can tell she stopped playing around once she got with them. I don't know how it's like to be in love, let alone to love two people at the same time…but we shouldn't bash or rip her apart like this…she's been hurting for the past month…and so are Kirigiri-chan and Maizono-chan."
Junko frowned, huffing once again. "Don't you have practice? You know Nidai is going to yell and kick everyone's ass if they're late."
"I know. I was on my way until I heard you hurting Celes-chan even more. So stop. Support her for once you meanie."
Aqua blue stared at grey-blue. The model sighed in defeat. "Fine fine. You go ahead before I hear you complain to Oogami that you got your ass kicked for being late."
The swimmer scampered off, giving Celestia and Junko one last look before she disappeared around the corner.
Junko had found an empty classroom that wasn't being used and immediately dragged the despair-filled girl in with her. She sat on the desk, both hands gripping onto the edge of the desks as her feet kicked lightly. "You heard donut girl, Gambler. I'm here to help you, and I did say you can come to me if you ever needed it. Upupupu."
Silence. Junko's eyes narrowed. Playing tough to get eh?
"Look, I'm not the best fucking person to go that I understand, but you know, you're still one of my friends. The fact that you're so depressed and hurt…one of us has got to be the key to help you out of this, you know?"
Celestia slowly nodded once, sitting on top of another desk, feet huddled up together. Gray eyes blinked, and the model sighed. "…maybe you should answer some questions. They're harmless."
"…fine."
"Glad to see you have your voice still. Thought you gone mute."
"…"
"First question. Who do you love?"
"…I love both of them. You know this by now."
Junko continued unfazed. "Who do you want to be with?"
"Enoshima-"
"Just answer these. These will come to you in due time. I'm trying to help here, so let me help you for god sakes."
"…I want to be with them both-"
"Think carefully."
"…I miss Kyouko's little gestures…but I also miss Maizono-san's melodic voice…I miss everything."
"Out of those two, which makes you happier?"
"I…" Celestia pondered for a bit.
Thinking about the two girls hurt her, but, she wanted to fix this. Kirigiri's little gestures and touches played through her head. The idol's voice and hugs were there for a few times, but otherwise her mind was mostly filled of the lilac girl. "…I…believe Kyouko… makes me happier…"
"Who would you spend more time spoiling?"
This one seemed a bit easier. She didn't spoil the idol much compared to the detective. "Kyouko."
"Now you're sounding a bit more confident. Upupupupu…who do you want to run up to the most?"
"Kyouko?"
"Who do you think of the most?"
"Kyouko…"
"Who do you want to hear from the most?"
"…Kyouko."
"Who makes you smile the brightest?"
"…Kyouko."
"Now I ask you this. Who do you want to be with the most?"
Silence. Then an answer. "Kyouko Kirigiri."
"Final question. Who do you love the most?"
"…I see. Thank you…Enoshima-san…I…I think I received my answer…"
Junko laughed. "You know. Sometimes being alone due to breakups isn't so bad after all. It gives you some time to think without anyone forcing some pressuring shit on you or anything. Or so I've heard. Gossip isn't all that bad. Could benefit you, you know."
The model smiled widely before roughly smacking the gambler on the back. "It took you a fucking long time, but you know, the fact that you feel a bit better shows you that I done some good in your life. Now the rest is up to you. I got a sister to beat up tonight. Upupupu!"
Junko had left the room, waving her hand furiously. Celestia remained in the room for a few more moments before making her way home. The gambler decided it was best to keep low for some days longer. To help herself first before she confronted the idol. Love was love, and Celestia knew she loved Sayaka alongside with Kirigiri. Sayaka would have her own little place in her heart, but the lilac detective was the one she wanted and needed the most. Besides, Sayaka Maizono was better off without her. Perhaps she'll find someone to fill that painful void of hers. The void Celestia failed to fill up properly.