"C'mon, Harley, your date will be here any minute!" called Poison Ivy, knocking on the door to her room. "You ready yet?"
There was no response from inside, and Ivy opened the door to see Harley curled up in bed, still in her pajamas. "Baby, you're not even dressed!" exclaimed Ivy.
"Yeah. I don't feel like going out tonight, Red," murmured Harley.
"But baby, we've talked about this," said Ivy, soothingly. "You'll have a great time once you're out! The company of a nice guy will distract you from thoughts of the clown, and you'll feel so much better!"
"I don't think so, Red," said Harley. "And I don't want the company of any guy but Mr. J. I just…miss him so much!" she sobbed.
"I know, baby, but that will pass in time," said Ivy gently, hugging her. "And it'll pass quicker if you get yourself out there meeting other people! And Lance is such a catch – he's a doctor, he teaches yoga in his free time, and he owns a beach house in Malibu! Hell, I'll date him if you don't want to!"
"Ok," said Harley, nodding. "Have a good time, Red."
"No, Harley, I'm just trying to impress upon you what kinda catch he is," said Ivy. "You'll kick yourself if you cancel your date – he might be the one to get you over that clown jerk! He might be the most perfect, most romantic guy in the whole world!"
"Nah, that's…Mr. J!" sobbed Harley.
"Harley, please stop crying," sighed Ivy. "That's not attractive. C'mon, I'll help you do your makeup…"
The doorbell rang. "That'll be Lance," said Ivy. "Why don't you start getting dressed, baby? I'll try to stall him and offer him a drink."
She opened the door, smiling, but her face fell when she saw who it was. "Harvey?" she snapped. "What are you doing here?"
"Good to see you too, Pam," growled Two-Face. "Is this a bad time?"
"I'm expecting a date," she retorted.
"Oh," he said, lightly. "Anyone I know?"
"A date for Harley," finished Ivy. "She's staying here after the clown kicked her out again, and I signed her up for an online dating service so she can move on as soon as possible."
"And Harley agreed to that?" asked Two-Face, skeptically.
"No, she didn't have a choice," snapped Ivy. "Just like she doesn't have a choice about going on her date tonight! Sometimes you just have to make people do stuff they don't wanna do, for their own good!"
"If a man said that, you'd call him a bully," said Two-Face lightly.
"And it would be bullying if a man did it," retorted Ivy, nodding.
The doorbell rang again, and Ivy went to answer it. "That'll be Lance, Harley's date – be nice!" she said sternly.
She opened the door and a man fell inside with a lance speared through his back, and a note attached:
He lived as he died: with a lance!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- J.
"Oh, that jerk!" snapped Ivy, crumpling the note and examining the dead body. "Well, at least he can be food for my plants…"
"How did J find out about Harley's date?" asked Two-Face.
"I dunno, but if he thinks I'm giving up finding a new match for Harley, he's got another think coming," snapped Ivy.
"Was that Lance?" asked a voice from the doorway. They turned to see Harley, still dressed in her pajamas. "I wanted to apologize for canceling in person…"
"No need, Harley – your ex-boyfriend killed him," sighed Ivy, handing her the note.
Tears welled up in Harley's eyes. "Yeah, that's…Mr. J!" she sobbed. "Can't resist the opportunity to…to make a violent joke at someone else's expense! Oh God, I miss him so much!" she sobbed, collapsing onto the sofa.
"Well, look, just because your date was killed, that's no reason not to go out tonight," said Two-Face, trying to comfort her. "Why don't you and me go out? Just as friends, y'know?"
"Yeah?" said Harley, looking up at him and sniffing. "You and Red didn't have plans?"
"We're not a couple, Harley," growled Ivy.
"I came over to ask Pammie to dinner, but she's clearly in a difficult mood," retorted Two-Face. "And I'd hate to eat alone."
"And you wouldn't mind me talking about and sobbing over Mr. J?" asked Harley. "Because that's really all I'm gonna be doing."
Two-Face sighed. "Lemme…ask the coin," he muttered, reaching into his jacket and flipping it. "Oh…good! Turns out I don't mind, Harley," he said, forcing a smile as the coin landed good side up.
"Aw, thanks, Harvey, you're the greatest!" said Harley, beaming and hugging him. "I'll get dressed and ready to go then!"
"Well, aren't you the gentleman?" said Ivy, sarcastically, as Harley skipped off to get dressed.
"Do you have a problem with me taking your friend to dinner?" asked Two-Face. "You're welcome to join us."
"I'm busy, Harvey," she snapped. "Got a plant thing, y'know. You can't just show up here randomly and expect me to be free – I'm an independent woman with a busy life, and any dates with me should be made well in advance."
"Well…you won't need to worry about that in future, Pammie," said Two-Face. "I won't trouble you again."
"Ok, I'm ready to go!" said Harley, bouncing out of the room. Two-Face offered her his arm and they headed for the door, stepping over Lance's body.
"Hang on, Harley," said Ivy, grabbing her arm. "I just need a quick word with Harvey."
"Ok, Red," said Harley. Ivy pulled him into a corner, glaring at him.
"How's next Friday?" she asked.
"Pick you up at seven," he muttered.
"This is nice of you, Harvey," said Harley, as she buckled herself into the passenger seat of his car. "Mr. J always said you were a bipolar freak, but I always knew you were a nice guy. I'd stand up for you when he called you things like that, and then he'd call me a useless waste of space, and a dumb blonde, and a…a…worthless brat!"
She burst into tears. "Oh God, I miss being called a worthless brat!"
Two-Face backed his car out of the driveway, instantly regretting this decision. It was going to be a long night.