"And that's why we like the whoopie cushion the best," finished Harley, as she sipped her glass of wine. "Or at least…we used to!" she sobbed, bursting into tears again.
"Ok, Harley, for the last time, can you not tell me about sex with the clown?" asked Two-Face. "I'm trying to eat here!"
Harley nodded. "Ok, Harvey," she whispered. "It hurts to remember it anyway, since I probably won't ever have it again!"
She continued to sob, and Two-Face rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Harley," he said, taking her hand. "You know the clown is gonna take you back. He's crazy about you."
"Yeah?" asked Harley, hopefully.
"Sure," said Two-Face, shrugging. "I've known J a long time, and the only person he ever complains about as much as you is Batman. And can you imagine him just giving up Batman?"
She shook her head. "So there, y'see?" said Two-Face. "It's just his way of showing he cares, all these tempers and rages. He can't hold a grudge where you're concerned. He's just in a mood, and when he works himself out of it, he'll want you back."
"You really think so, Harvey?" asked Harley.
"Don't even need to flip the coin on it," said Two-Face, nodding. "That's how sure I am."
She beamed at him. "Oh, thanks, Harvey!" she exclaimed. "This is such a nice change from Red! She usually just tells me what a jerk Mr. J is, and how I'd be a fool to want him back, which usually just makes me feel worse! But you understand what a great guy he is, huh?"
"Oh yeah, J's…one of a kind," said Two-Face, slowly.
"He is, isn't he?" sighed Harley. "My special puddin'! Such a genius, and so gorgeous!"
"Uh huh," said Two-Face, uncomfortably. "I'm just gonna get a drink at the bar – you need another one?" he asked, standing up.
"No, thanks," said Harley.
"I do," he muttered, heading over to the bar. "Hey, buddy, bottle of scotch over here!" he shouted.
"Yes, sir – two glasses?" asked the bartender, putting the bottle on the bar.
"Nope – just the bottle will do," retorted Two-Face, grabbing it from him. "I'll be needing the whole thing."
He sat down, forcing a smile again. He had asked Harley out mostly because he felt bad for her, and also because Ivy was being difficult, and he wanted to make her jealous enough to accept a date. Mission accomplished, by the way, he thought as he poured himself a glass, but now he was stuck with Harley whining and crying for the rest of the evening. And there was really only so much his pity for her would hold back his annoyance at her sobbing. He had to change the topic of conversation somehow.
"So…you like…pie?" he asked slowly, looking around the room and focusing on the table next to them, which had just received their dessert.
Tears filled Harley's eyes. "I…I baked a giant cream pie for Mr. J once, for our…for our…anniversary!" she sobbed. "Because Harley pie is what he calls my…"
"Ok, ok, bad topic," said Two-Face, hastily. "Uh…so…the weather's been crap lately, hasn't it?"
"Yeah," agreed Harley. "That's Gotham though. If you want sun, you should move to LA."
"I think they probably have enough freaks and weirdos there already," said Two-Face.
"You shouldn't think of yourself as a freak and a weirdo, Harv," said Harley. "You're a nice guy."
"Well, I ain't exactly normal-looking, Harley," said Two-Face. "Everyone else thinks I'm a freak and a weirdo – why shouldn't I think of myself that way too?"
"Well, you can't let yourself start caring what everyone else thinks," said Harley. "Otherwise I'd never have got together with Mr. J, and that's the best thing that's happened to my life. You can't let other people tell you who you are and what you should do. You'll never be happy that way."
"Well…I have a hard time…knowing who I am and what I should do," muttered Two-Face. "That's why I need the coin."
"You don't need the coin, Harvey," she said. "You just need to do what makes you happy. You obviously knew what that was before the accident, or you never would have become DA…"
"That was the problem," interrupted Two-Face. "I thought…being DA would make me happy, but it didn't. My whole life I was so sure of who I was and what I wanted to be, and then once the accident happened…I had to re-evaluate everything. And I realized that the kinda life I had been leading wasn't what I wanted to do. So how can I trust my own judgment ever again when my whole life has been one big mistake?"
Harley was silent, sipping her wine again. "Why did you wanna be DA?" she asked.
Two-Face shrugged. "Mom and Dad sent me to law school – I excelled there and I thought that would be the next rung up the ladder…"
"So you became DA because you wanted to make your parents proud?" asked Harley.
"Yeah…I guess," said Two-Face, slowly.
"So that decision wasn't really yours - it was your Mom and Dad's," said Harley. "And you weren't happy doing what they wanted you to do. Makes sense to me."
She shrugged. "You're just figuring out who you really are, Harvey, and that can be tough. But the passion you have for the criminal lifestyle leads me to believe that you're on the right track. You're a pretty good criminal anyway. And you shouldn't care what anyone else thinks about it – you're using the talents you have to make yourself happy. And even though who you are isn't for everyone, the people who care about you still think you're great. So why worry about anyone else?"
Two-Face nodded slowly. "Yeah. I guess. Thanks, Harley," he said, sipping his scotch. "You're a good shrink."
"Well, that ain't really who I am either," said Harley, shrugging. "First and foremost I'm…I'm…Mr. J's Harley Quinn!" she sobbed, starting to cry again.
Two-Face sighed, coming over to hug her. And it was at that moment that another restaurant patron slipped out his cell phone and started filming…
…
"When I get my hands on that Riddler freak…" muttered Joker, pacing his room as Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch were once again tinkering with his computer. "Make sure it says I'm interested in women this time! I got messages from guys asking me to do stuff, and I had no idea what they meant, so I looked it up, and then I wished I hadn't. And I wrote them back and said they were sick, and they thought that was me coming onto them, so they kept messaging me, and now in addition to all Harley's dates I gotta kill, I also gotta kill these guys for insulting me! I'll be busy for weeks!"
"Is there any reason why you don't save yourself some trouble and just ask Harley to come back?" said Tetch.
"Because that would make me the weaker party," snapped Joker. "Admitting that I want her back makes her think that I need her, which gives her the power. Honestly, you wouldn't last one second with a real girlfriend!"
"I imagine we'd both do a great deal better than you, and not kick her out every few weeks," muttered Crane.
"Yeah, but you'd have to get one first," snorted Joker. "So that'll never happen."
The Joker's phone rang suddenly. "Oooh, speak of the devil!" he chuckled, answering it. "Riddle me this: who's dead meat?"
"From the looks of things, Harvey Dent," replied Nygma's voice, calmly. "But don't take my word for it – I've just emailed you a video."
"Ok, well, I'll just…see about that," snapped Joker. "Hey, nerds, what would I do if someone's emailed me a video?" he demanded, covering the phone.
"You could open and watch it," said Tetch.
"That's what I'm gonna do," agreed Joker. "I'm gonna open and watch it, Eddie!" he snapped. "So…take that!"
He hung up as Tetch opened the video for him, and watched as Two-Face came over to hug Harley until she stopped crying. There was no sound, but the Joker could see that they were at a fancy restaurant together, and even after Two-Face went back to his seat, he kept hold of Harley's hand. They smiled at each other and looked very comfortable, and that's when the video cut off.
Joker stared at the screen, livid. Then he punched in a number on his phone again. "I thought you might call back," said the smug voice of the Riddler.
"Where are they?" growled Joker, storming into his room and grabbing his gun, knife, and other assorted weapons. "I'll kill 'em both!"
"Their current address is 4872 Prat Street," said Riddler. "If I were you I'd hurry. Harvey might decide to take her home any minute now, if you know what I mean. That is, to his home, to have sexual intercourse…"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it, Eddie!" snapped Joker. "Don't explain innuendos, dammit, they're like jokes! Nerds, I gotta run," he said, hanging up and storming past the living room on his way to the door. "Fix my profile and then beat it, and don't even think of touching my stuff! Harvey's gonna find out that it ain't funny when guys do that," he growled, slamming the door. "Not funny at all."