"I had the weirdest encounter earlier," said Harley as they carried the bags into the kitchen. "Some clown accosted me and tried to show me some tricks."
"Good Lord, whatever for?" asked Crane. "Did he want money?"
"I don't know," she said. "He was really weird, and seemed to imply that we'd met before. Not that I make a habit of meeting clowns, or indeed any strange men on the street," she added, kissing him.
"I should hope not too," murmured Crane, smiling at her. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her slowly, and she returned it, beaming.
Joker grabbed a can of air freshener and sprayed it into his eyes. "What on earth are you doing?" demanded Nygma's voice.
"Trying to blind myself!" cried Joker. "Oh God, how could this get any worse?!"
"Mommy, Daddy, when are Grandma and Grandpa getting here?" asked a voice, as a cute little blonde girl skipped into the room. And Joker screamed, starting back from her as if she were the most terrifying thing he'd ever seen in his life.
"Aw, soon, Leenie," said Harley, bending down to kiss her daughter. "But you know it's a long drive from Brooklyn."
"I told her that, Mommy, but she doesn't listen," said a little boy with red hair about the same age, entering the room.
"She's just excited, J.J.," said Harley, kissing her son. "You should be too."
"I am excited," retorted J.J. "But I don't assume I can bend the laws of physics just because I wish time could go faster."
Harley laughed. "You sound just like your father, Jonathan Junior," she said, ruffling his hair.
"No!" screamed Joker, horrified. "No, no, no! This is…this is all wrong! This is like some nightmarish, Twilight Zone version of mine and Harley's future where I'm replaced by the King of the Nerds!"
"Not pleasing to you, is it?" asked Riddler.
"Of course it's not pleasing to me!" cried Joker. "If I ain't around, Harley is gonna throw her life away on some old, skinny freak!"
"As opposed to what, exactly?" asked Nygma, smugly.
"Shut up!" roared Joker. "Just get me outta here, would ya, while I can still sleep at night!"
"Sorry, Joker, we're not through yet," said Nygma. "There's still more to see about Harley's life without you."
"What could there possibly be to see?" demanded Joker. "I get it – I saved her from a boring life married to Professor Lame! I'm a goddamn hero, and she doesn't know how good she has it with me!"
"Hmm, lesson still not learned," said Nygma. "Now I wonder what could help you realize…"
The doorbell rang. "Oh my goodness, who could that be?" said Harley with a grin as she headed down the hall and opened the door.
"Mom! Dad!" she cried, embracing her parents. "You must have made record time!"
"Hello, Harley!" said Mrs. Quinzel, beaming. "We were lucky there wasn't any traffic – smooth driving the whole way, wasn't it, George?" she asked her husband.
The Joker had only met Harley's parents once, and Mr. George Quinzel had struck him as a man who hadn't cracked a smile for a good number of years. He had been even more angry and sullen than usual when he had met the Joker, but he was beaming now as he embraced his daughter, grandchildren, and his daughter's husband.
"Jonathan, it's so good to see you again," Mr. Quinzel said, sincerely.
"You make our daughter so happy," said Mrs. Quinzel, kissing his cheek.
"Well, I was always the bad boy type," said Joker, casually. "Not the kinda guy any gal's parents would approve of. That's their problem, not mine."
"Is it?" asked Nygma. "You don't think Harley feeling she has to choose between her family and her boyfriend is the cause of some angst for her?"
"I dunno – I never really thought about it," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, she doesn't complain to me…"
"Exactly, Joker. She doesn't. She suffers in silence," retorted Nygma. "Look how much happier she is having a man her family approves of."
"Why would they approve of that nerd?" demanded Joker. "He's a supercriminal too! He just doesn't look perpetually like a clown – ain't my fault Harley's parents are racist against clowns!"
"Joker, since you don't exist, neither Harley nor Jonathan have become supercriminals," explained Nygma. "Harley met Jonathan at the University, he taught her psychology, and then she graduated and got a job at Arkham Asylum, but you weren't there to seduce her this time, so their friendship endured, and blossomed into something else. And through Harley, Jonathan has found a way to overcome the crippling bullying he suffered as a child by having someone beside him who truly and genuinely loves him. He's a respected psychology professor at the University, and Harley is a successful psychiatrist at Arkham. Why wouldn't her parents be proud? Rather than throw her life away pining over some clown and taking up a life of crime, she's got a rewarding career and a loving family. Nobody could ask for anything more."
Joker said nothing, glaring in thin-lipped silence at the tender scene before him, of Harley, her parents, husband, and children, all sitting talking and laughing together. He studied Harley's face, a face which he knew better than anyone else, and could see nothing but genuine happiness beaming out from it.
Joker knew Harley had always wanted a family, and kids of her own, and he had always vowed not to give them to her, for several reasons. One, keeping the kid keen and loyal to him with the promise of children, without ever delivering on it. Two, because he was a busy man who didn't have time for kids, and three, because he knew once Harley became a mother, her attention and devotion and love would be divided in two, between himself and the child. And he hadn't wanted that. He hadn't wanted to compete with anyone for Harley's attention and affection.
But as she held her children, Joker saw a type of happiness in her face that he had never seen before. Sometimes when she was with him, especially in intimate moments, he would see her face glow like this, with a kind of complete happiness. But he had never seen it this strong. Her children truly completed her in every way, and truly completed her happiness. He had no idea Harley could be happier than when she was with him. And he had been wrong.
"Jonathan, you must tell us about your latest book," said Mrs. Quinzel. "Harley said you interviewed some of her patients for it."
"Yes, it's a study of crippling phobias of the mentally ill," said Crane. "Those poor people Harley works with find themselves the victims of fear which prevent them from living full and complete lives. I feel dreadfully sorry for them, but then their stories do make fascinating research. I actually credit Harley for most of the work – the patients really open up to her. It's one of her many incredible talents," he added, kissing her.
"All I do is listen to them," said Harley, modestly. "I think those poor people really need it – nobody has ever really listened to them before. And a little patience and understanding and compassion can go a long way."
"Those things come naturally to you, my dear," murmured Crane. "Your parents must know they've raised an angel."
"Johnny, stop it, you're embarrassing me!" said Harley, blushing. "My parents know I'm not an angel – they had to deal with me in my teenage years!"
"Oh, we always knew you'd turn out great, Harley," said Mrs. Quinzel, smiling at her daughter. "And we were right."
"And she even managed to hook a nice doctor," said Mr. Quinzel. "That was the kinda man I always wanted for her. You worry sometimes that your kids will end up with someone who's no good for them, but they're too blinded by love to see it. Thank God Harley was one of the sensible ones! Got a good head on her shoulders, my daughter," he said, kissing Harley's cheek. "And she's a great mother. Of course, she learned from the best," he added, kissing his wife.
"One big, happy family, aren't they?" asked Riddler's sneering voice.
"Yeah. So?" demanded Joker. "Harley can get on fine without me – I never said she couldn't. I said I could get along just fine without her, and I can. You haven't proved that."
"I will," said Riddler. "But first one more quick vision, before we depart this scene."
The room around Joker shifted, as did the light, and he found himself in Harley and Crane's bedroom later that night. They were both asleep, but Harley was tossing restlessly, and suddenly awoke with a start and a shriek.
"Goodness, my love, what is it?" gasped Crane, waking up in concern and hugging her tightly. "A nightmare?"
She nodded. "It…it seemed so real, Johnny!" she gasped.
"Tell me, my angel," he whispered, kissing her forehead.
"That…that clown I saw…earlier today," she stammered. "I dreamed…that he was a criminal. That he went around committing crimes for no more reason than he thought they were funny. And I dreamed…that I helped him. Because…because I thought I was in love with him or something, even though he was...he was so horrible to me, and treated me so cruelly…"
She sobbed, and he shushed her, stroking her hair back. "It was a dream, my love," he murmured. "Nothing more."
"There was just…so much pain," she whispered. "From his physical and mental abuse, and from…from the Batman, who would beat us both. Every day and every night was just…never-ending agony. My love for him would end in my death. I knew it, and I still wanted it. I…I dreamed I was crazy, Johnny!"
She burst into tears again. "I was crazy! And it was horrible! So horrible!"
Crane held her tightly, kissing the top of her head. "It's over now, my love," he whispered. "Nothing to fear."
She wiped her eyes, smiling at him. "I'm sorry…I'm being silly. But it just…seemed so real."
"I know," he said. "Dreams can seem very real. But this is reality, my love," he whispered, kissing her. "You and me, and our children. Safe in our home."
"You're right," she whispered, hugging him. "You're right. Oh, thank goodness, Johnny."
They held each other for a few moments, not saying a word. "Well, I don't think I'll be able to get to sleep soon, after the fright I've had," said Harley at last. "I'm wide awake. Can you think of anything we can do to tire me out, Johnny?"
"Well, we could…we could…" he stammered, flushing as Harley slid her finger down his chest.
"Uh huh?" she said, grinning.
"We could…oh, Harley!" he gasped, shoving her down on the bed.
"No, I'm not watching this!" shouted Joker, shutting his eyes and covering his ears. "You stop this now, Nygma, you sick freak!"
"I'll stop it if you've learned your lesson," retorted Nygma. "What is it?"
"God dammit, riddles, lessons, you always want something!" shouted Joker. "Fine, my lesson is…Harley could have a perfectly happy life without me! Maybe even a happier one! But this was never about her – it was about me! And my life would be just as happy if she died tomorrow!"
He opened his eyes to see himself immersed in darkness once more. "Or would it?" asked Riddler, lightly. "Let's see, shall we?"