This chapter is reeeeally long. But there's really no place to split it - it would ruin the flow. I'll try to explain the point of last chapter's fight next time because there's just no time in this one. This chapter is named after "A Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin because the way that beautiful woman sings that beautiful song is just so raw and vulnerable, and that's exactly how Kyo and Tohru are feeling in the chapter. This was originally meant to be a one-shot, but I figured it would fit well in this story. Thanks, guys! :)
*BEGIN FLASHBACK*
The night before graduation, Kyo sits on the floor against the wall, staring blankly across his room. He's wearing his sleep clothes – black sweat pants and a white t-shirt – but going to bed is about the furthest thing from his mind. He has no idea what time it is, but the house has long been silent, the encompassing darkness of night overtaking his housemates in sleep. But he just can't bring himself to lie down, and even if he did succumb to the warm, comfortable familiarity of his futon, the last thing he wants is to fall asleep. The sooner his eyes close in unconsciousness, the sooner this night will leave him, and the sooner tomorrow will come. Even if he dreams of the best things in life – of Tohru, of Shishou – he will only awaken to a nightmare. He finds it darkly ironic that graduation is to be his last day. A day meant for new beginnings, for wild celebrations and bittersweet partings, for the first day of the rest of his life – it will only be an ending. A moment in time that will not mark the beginning of his new life as a member of society but the beginning of his new life as nothing – a miniscule stitch in the memories of those who know him, a blemish in the minds of the Zodiac. Maybe every once in a while when they see an orange tabby, they'll think of him and wonder for a moment what it's like to be locked away, maybe ask themselves what he might be doing before going about their lives and pushing him and his isolation out of their thoughts lest they become too sympathetic. God forbid they speak out.
For weeks, Kyo pondered and brainstormed all the different possibilities, all the different scenarios and plots that could somehow get him out of this. If it weren't for Tohru, he would be going along with tradition no problem – albeit begrudgingly; he wouldn't go in there skipping and laughing. He probably wouldn't put up much of a fight, though, either.
But Tohru.
Tohru gives him something to live for, to fight for, to breathe for. She's his Hope. How could he abandon his Hope like that, without even trying? That's the worst kind of betrayal – for him, at least.
Recently, she's become sadder and more anxious. She tries to hide it, of course. She wouldn't want anyone to worry. But he notices, and he can't help but wonder if it's because of him. She's lost so much in this life already, and now this? She doesn't deserve this. Maybe Kyo does, maybe the Cat does, but not Tohru. Anyone but Tohru.
He can't leave her, he just can't.
And suddenly, he has to see her, to hold her face in his hands and etch it into his memory, to hear her voice and breathe her scent.
He stands abruptly and without thinking, carries himself mechanically to her room. And when he slides open her door, he's surprised to find that she's still awake, sitting up on her bed and staring out the window, her golden-pajama-clad legs curled against her chest and wrapped in her tiny arms. She's illuminated by her bedside lamp, giving her an aptly-placed halo.
When she turns at the sound of his uninvited entry, she's quick to wipe her face, and he's sure she's been crying. His heart sinks even lower into his gut. Before, he didn't think that possible. But she's always proving him wrong.
"Oh, Kyo, hi." She gives a smile made for him behind the tears that were shed for him. "Um, what are you doing up this late?"
"I could ask you the same thing." He steps into the room and closes the door behind him.
"Oh… just thinking. Nervous about tomorrow." Her words imply graduation, but her voice insinuates something much deeper, something much more nerve-wracking.
"Yeah. Me too," he replies, his voice slightly thicker than normal. "I can't sleep." This isn't entirely a lie. Just mostly.
"Um, would you like to sit?" She scoots her legs further into her chest as if there isn't already enough room on her ginormous bed. Sometimes it's as if she doesn't understand how small she is, how fragile.
He places himself on the edge, rubbing his thighs, a bit nervous. There's not much to say. Well, really, there's a ton to say. Kyo just isn't sure how to express any of it. Just being in her presence, though, is enough. She's always enough.
He looks over at her. She's staring out the window again, biting her lip, her leftover tears still resting in her soft, brown eyes. Her long, milk chocolate hair looks almost feather-like in its softness and just a tad disheveled as it cascades down her petite shoulders in small waves.
God, I love her, he thinks, just barely stopping the simple thought from slipping out in a soft mutter.
But as he gazes admiringly at her porcelain skin and feminine features, he wonders why he should keep those thoughts to himself. What does he have to lose, really? She's already professed her love for him. She knows about his connection to her mother. And despite all fathomable logic and reason, she forgives him.
He takes a deep breath, opens his mouth, and –
"Kyo?" Her eyes glance downward, but her head doesn't turn.
Kyo lets out the breath that would have held so much within it. "Yeah?"
She blinks a few times, takes a shaky breath, and faces him.
"…It's going to be okay."
Her voice cracks, and a few tears spill over on the last word. His heart clenches, almost cracking, and his eyes sting. Here she is, crying by herself in the middle of the night, and one of the first things she does when he shows up is try to reassure him. Him.
And this time, when the thought comes, he doesn't stop it.
"I love you." It's only a whisper – if it was any louder, his voice would have cracked – but it's enough. She hears. A single sob breaks through in response and the tears start coming more frequently. He instantly regrets saying anything. It seems to have only upset her further.
She begins wiping her face, frantically swiping at the onslaught of tears. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't be crying!"
"Tohru…" He turns his body toward her and moves so that he's close enough to embrace her. But he can't embrace her. So he takes her madly flying hands into his, ceasing her protest of emotion. She doesn't look at him. It seems as though she can't as she shuts her eyes tight, closing herself off from the rest of the world.
Again, he's unsure of what to say. He sits cross-legged with their hands in his lap, hers seeming so tiny within his own. He looks down at them and gently rubs his thumbs over her soft fingers. He hears her sniff as she moves her legs so that she, too, is sitting cross-legged.
They're quiet for a long time, the only sound their soft breathing. There's so much to say, but it seems as though with those three simple words, he has said it all. It's the most comfortable silence he's ever experienced, and he wishes so badly that he could stay here like this, forever. But he also wishes that he wasn't cursed; he wishes his mom were still alive; he wishes he could live Outside, with Tohru, and marry her, and raise a family with her, and grow old with her; he wishes he could experience all the ups and downs and twists and turns of life and do it all with her because that's the only life he can imagine worth living. How could anyone want anything different?
But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. They're meaningless unless you have a magic lamp, and the chance of getting his hands on one of those before morning is slim.
When he finally looks up, he catches her staring at him, but she doesn't glance away or give any hint that she's embarrassed at being caught. She just looks him in the eyes, her own still wet. He wonders if this silence could go on forever. But she breaks it with the last words he thought he would ever hear her say.
"Will you marry me?" Kyo's eyes go wide. If he'd been eating, he would have choked. Tohru seems shocked by her own words, and she takes them back immediately. "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have said that! I'm sorry! I'm so stupid! So so stupid!" She takes back her hands and uses them to try and shake out the memory.
"Tohru, it's okay, it's just… I'm a little surprised is all," he assures her, laughing lightly as he tries to ease her embarrassment. He continues as she calms herself bit by bit. "Why would you want to do a thing like that anyway?" She freezes, then glances up at him. Her eyes express her bewilderment as if her reasoning is the most obvious thing in the world.
"Because I love you. And I always will, no matter what. I can't imagine loving anyone else in the whole world." She looks so innocent. Kyo just wants to take her up in his arms and kiss her until their lips turn blue.
He looks down at his lap. After a moment, he whispers, "I couldn't do that to you. And besides, it's not like we have much time for a wedding."
"Marriage is about commitment, Kyo, not a piece of paper or a wedding. It might not be legal, but we'll know in our hearts what's true: we love each other and always will."
When he looks back up at her, he sees her sincerity and wants nothing more than to marry her right there in that bedroom, to commit to her and promise her a promise that could only be meant for her. But that wouldn't be fair.
"Tohru, you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't know what'll happen or who may come along. I can't force you to promise something like this."
She sits up straighter and tightens her lips. He's surprised by her reaction and wonders where this hardened Tohru is coming from.
"We won't just make a commitment to each other; we'll use our marriage vows to promise never to give up on setting you free. We'll figure something out, I know we will, and when we do, we'll be together, and our marriage is what will keep us going. That promise of being together in the end is what will keep us fighting. I know it will." He understands now. This isn't hardened Tohru. This is determined Tohru. He rather likes determined Tohru. The corner of his mouth turns up as the idea grows on him. Wasn't he wishing just a moment ago that he could marry her?
"You really want to do this?"
She nods enthusiastically. "More than anything in the world, I do!"
Kyo purses his lips and thinks for a moment. Then, as he slides off the bed, he says, "Then let's at least do it right. I'll be right back." He walks briskly out the door and down the hall.
Back in his room, he searches frantically for something to serve his purpose. Drawers are opened, sheets are lifted, books are moved, and then, yes, in a small wooden box full of junk – from old school newsletters to a rock that has the remarkable air of a vertebrae – is a mood ring. It's perfect. He's had it forever and barely even remembers where he got it. But this little trinket that fell so perfectly in line with such meaningless junk will soon be the most meaningful piece of junk in the world.
He grasps it tightly in one hand, closes the box, and heads back to Tohru – Tohru, his bride-to-be. The thought brings a small but genuine smile to his face, the first in a long string of perpetual frowns and half-hearted smirks. This night has brought so many surprises, far from anything he ever would have imagined possible. Maybe graduation won't be so hopeless after all, with his Hope by his side.
As he enters her room, Kyo stops and cocks his head to the side. "What are you doing?" he asks as she struggles with a small container in her hands, trying to crack it open with brute force that she doesn't have. She's snarling and twisting, scrunching up her features to make a concentrated face so cute that he almost laughs.
"I'm – trying – to get – this – open," she responds comically.
"You need some help?" He can't help smiling again.
She sighs and relents. "Please?" He takes the thing from her outstretched hand, a round, plastic container one might find in a 25-cent-toy machine. Inside is a little necklace with a small, delicate chain and a Hello Kitty charm.
"What is this?" he asks.
She shuffles her feet a bit and speaks to the carpet. "Oh, um, it-it's all I could find. I got it when I was out with Momiji a few weeks ago. I thought that, maybe, it could work. Maybe." He just looks at her. When she glances up, she seems to become slightly more nervous. "I just thought… you know, since I couldn't find a ring or anything, that this would have to do. I don't know. It's stupid." She shakes her head disdainfully.
Ah. "Hey. Tohru." He waits for her to look at him. "It's perfect," he assures her. "Or, at least it will be perfect after we take off that charm. I'm fine with the chain, but I am not wearing Hello Kitty on my neck; I don't care if I am a cat." The corners of her lips turn up a bit, and she blushes, just a little.
Still holding the mood ring between his palm and two fingers, he pops open the cap with ease. Tohru stares at his hands, astounded. "You loosened it, I'm sure," he jokes. He realizes he must have it bad if she's raised his mood enough for the lightheartedness of joking. Either that or he's sleepier than he thought.
"But, hey, Tohru?" She looks up at him expectantly, her big, brown eyes shining. He loses his train of thought for a moment before getting back on track. "Um, well, it's kind of a blow to my ego to have you propose to me, so, uh…" He purses his lips for a moment in thought. Then, he kneels before her, sets the ring and the necklace on the floor – taking a moment to discard the container and the charm – and takes her hand. She's trying hard not to smile and has her free hand over her heart, just like in the few movies he's seen. He takes a deep breath.
"Tohru Honda, I know it's the middle of the night, and I know we're both in our pajamas, and I know that I'll make a horrible husband what with my being, you know, gone and everything, but… Man, I don't know to say. I've never proposed before. Um. I just love you, Tohru. And not, like, the kind of love where you think the person's cute and you write little love notes back and forth to each other or something stupid like that, but I really, truly love you. I would do anything for you, anything, just to see you smile or keep you safe. And I know that sounds stupid and cheesy, and it is, but… it's true." He pauses – thinks – and when he speaks again, his voice is softer, more serious. "I don't know how this is gonna turn out. I just don't know. But if you think I can get out of there, and if I know that you're waiting for me out here, I will find a way. I will fight. And I will see you again, Tohru, I swear it. So please. Make this promise with me tonight. Be my bride in your yellow pajamas in your bedroom in the middle of the night. Marry me, Tohru." By this time, she's crying and sniveling, and on anyone else, the sight would be ugly, but not on her. Tohru couldn't be ugly if she tried.
She nods frantically. "Yes, Kyo, of course!" She gives a giggle and then frowns. "I need a tissue." And Kyo chuckles – actually chuckles – as he lets go of her hand and rises.
After briefly blowing her nose, Tohru returns to his side, picks up the soon-to-be totems of their marriage, and hands him the mood ring.
"Okay, so… how should we do this?" he asks.
Tohru pauses and looks at him, her eyes wide and innocent-looking. "I don't know."
He gives a short and quiet laugh, and says, "Okay, well, um… okay." He turns his body to face her full-on and takes both her hands in his. He can feel the chain in her hand and knows she can feel his ring. "Uh… do you wanna start or should I?"
"Um… I guess I'll go," she decides. "Okay. Um…"
o.O.o.O.o
Kyo wakes up – back in the infirmary – to the sound of someone yelling his name. He turns his head groggily and sees Hiro with a tray of food in his hands and Kisa by his side.
"Man, going berserk on Haru yesterday must have really knocked you out. You've been dead asleep for almost a day."
Kyo begins to slowly sit up, pain ripping through every molecule of his body, his recently reopened wounds screaming at him. Yeah, yeah, he wants to tell them, I'm a stupid idiot. I know.
"It was probably the pain medicine," Kisa suggests quietly as she rearranges his pillows to give him back support.
"Yeah, probably," Hiro concedes. He places the tray on its legs over Kyo's lap.
"Hey…" Kyo begins, wondering how to begin his request. The moment he woke up, there was no question. He knew he needed it. They both look at him expectantly. "Are you guys able to get in that room? There, uh… there's something I need you to get."
By dinner that night, the chain is resting securely around his neck. He has an answer for Momiji.