As Good as it Gets

Peter Quinn walked stiffly across the parking lot at Langley as he returned to his truck. Once there he sat inside it silently. He was physically and mentally exhausted and he needed time to summon up the energy for the drive back. He had spent all morning going through a barrage of physical tests and then the afternoon being thoroughly debriefed on his performance. As he sat, trying to be completely still, his right hand trembled slightly as it did now regularly seemingly with a will of its own. He grabbed hold of the steering wheel tightly in order to stop it, forcing himself to breathe in and out slowly, leaning back into the seat, eyes closed, he waited for the crisis to pass. His need for stillness was almost overwhelming.

It was not to be fulfilled however, as the passenger door suddenly opened and Carrie climbed in, blowing in like a whirlwind as she banged the door shut with such vigour that the whole truck shook. She stared at him with furious eyes. "What the fuck are you doing here?" she demanded.

Quinn gulped back his surprise, tried to think of something to say but his overwrought mind failed to engage adequately to the task. His only thought was how the hell did she know he was here? He had been very careful to use the back entrance to the HR department and chosen the parking lot well away from her office and yet here she was. On a better day her timing would have made him suspect that she was aware he had been there all along and was waiting for him to return to the lot but this was not a good day.

Her eyes were still challenging him, demanding a response. "Were you ever going to tell me?" she pressed.

Slowly he let go of the steering wheel, thrusting his still shaking hand deep into his pocket, he gulped in as much air as he could and licked his lips, forcing his eyes to stare forwards out of the windshield and not look at her because he knew in his current state he was no match for Carrie in full-on antagonistic mode. He needed time to get himself together.

Time was the one thing that Carrie wasn't going to allow, not while her justifiable fury at his duplicity raged through her. "What the fuck, Quinn. Fucking talk to me!"

"It's not what you think," he managed weakly.

His pathetic defence only served to infuriate her more. "That's the best you can come up with! Don't you think you owed me the decency of at least being told what you were planning? What, does the last year mean nothing to you? You just going to get back on to the black ops wagon and disappear again. Leaving me again? The fuck! Quinn... Quinn?!" She stopped, staring at him with the all encompassing need for him to actually communicate with her flashing in her eyes that only a moron would miss.

But Quinn was still not making eye contact. He muttered finally. "I was trying to prove I was good enough."

"Good enough for what?" Carrie pressed and then, as realisation dawned on her, she shook her head sadly and opened the truck door. "You are a fucking idiot, Quinn," she said. "You have always been good enough for me. Too good in fact." She slid out of the vehicle, her voice cracking with anguish as she turned back to him. "This is just too fucking hard. If I don't fuck it up, you do. Whatever made us think we could get through it together? Just fucking stupid, stupid, stupid." She banged the door shut and was gone leaving only broken debris in her wake like a hurricane.

He sat in the truck for a long time and then, when the shuddering in his arm had lessened, he gunned the engine to slowly pull out of the parking lot and head home.

"You want a posting to the Cyber Terrorism team?" Saul raised his eyebrows. "That's not your area of expertise." He noted her somewhat windswept appearance, and the way her eyes flicked wildly around the room. It wasn't hard to see that something had upset her and he fancied that he knew exactly what that might be, his eyes flicked to the recently received folder on his desk.

"You said I could choose, well that's my choice." Carrie responded firmly.

"Steep learning curve though. Wouldn't have thought it plays to your particular strengths, Carrie. What changed your mind?"

"Let's just say I met an old friend and he opened up a new world of possibilities."

"Old friend?"

"Sammi Bakri."

Saul rolled his eyes. "He's a good guy, didn't know you knew him."

"Yes, you did, we were in Baghdad together."

"Really? " Saul shook his head, removed his glasses and wiped his eyes. "I must have forgotten. There's a lot going on and I'm getting too old for this shit! Anyway I'm glad you changed your mind. It means a lot to me."

Carrie stood up, grabbed her bag and, ignoring his outstretched hand, moved towards the door. He was unconcerned about her petulant snub, concentrating instead on preparing his next attack. She stopped, her shoulders tensing as he continued innocently, "I was sorry to hear about Quinn."

She turned back. "Hear what?"

"My god, don't you two ever communicate?" Saul managed to make his tone one of disbelief, as he fought to keep the satisfaction out of it on seeing Carrie's obvious consternation. Quinn was even worse at relationships than Saul had believed if he thought he could keep something like this from Carrie and not suffer any repercussions, and his failure was leading her directly down the path Saul wanted her to follow. Saul managed an almost fatherly tone as he continued, "He flunked the evaluation. I suppose it's only to be expected, after all his body has been through, it was a miracle that he even got to a level where he could be considered."

Carrie gulped. "Flunked." She shook her head. "I just assumed after all the work he's put into it he would pass. Still knowing him, he'll just try harder next time."

Saul shook his head. "No more chances. I've got the evaluation report," he nodded to a buff coloured file on his desk. "Being Director gives me some perks," He drew in a long breath before continuing, "The recommendation is that he not be considered in the future - he is never going to make it back to what he was and if he is continues to try he's going to fucking kill himself. Still from what I read, and the glowing reports from his physicians they didn't expect him to get this far and it's a credit to him that he did. He isn't going to get any further though; this is as good as it gets for him."

"So what is he going to do?" Carrie asked while the thought went around her head, how the hell had Saul got the report so quickly? She had only just left Quinn in the parking lot after all.

Saul snorted. "You're asking me? Damned if I know." His eyes narrowed. This was almost too easy. "Has he not told you any of this?" he asked innocently, twisting the knife a little more.

Carrie stiffened. "That's none of your fucking business! Now do I get the posting or not?"

Saul smiled but his eyes remained serious. "Of course you do," he responded. "I'll start making arrangements immediately."

Quinn's phone buzzed again. It had been going off periodically for the last few hours but he had been ignoring it. He glanced at the number. This time it wasn't Rob from the Team. This time it was Carrie.

He looked at the vibrating phone and sighed deeply, waiting for it to stop. He didn't want to talk to anybody. Didn't see the point. What was there to say to anyone but particularly to Carrie? Everything she had said to him in the truck had been correct; it was all just too fucking hard.

Beside the phone on the table in front of him was an unopened bottle of whiskey. He stared at it and wondered if he should reach across to open it. Many times in the past he had sought sanctuary in the oblivion the liquor offered but this time was different, this time he lacked the conviction for even that. There was no point.

So he simply sat.