Disclaimer: Has anyone ever actually thought about why we have to disclaim each and every chapter? Well, the truth of the matter is that we don't; we just have to disclaim the STORY overall. You can do that once, in the first chapter, and you don't ever have to disclaim it again.

But people do what everyone does and everyone posts a disclaimer each chapter for this real reason; I finally figured it out!

You see, the real reason…-whispers- they want to delude us in our own self pitying illusions of broke-ness!

Mwahahaha! I know their secret now! They can't hide the truth from me!

Well…Okay…I still don't know who "they" are but….but I'm working on it! They can't hide most of the truth from me!

Notes: That is the longest disclaimer in history.

-o-o-o-

Memories of the Lost

Chapter 11

Memories Rekindled (pt II)

-o-o-o-

Hiei could not stand it anymore. The raging fury that was constantly among his every thought was soon to drive him mad. However, not so much as the madness incurred by the sight of Youko, the insanity brought about by the undying curiosity that seemed born within him anew every time the redhead managed to pass by his line of sight.

But he couldn't stand the thought of Kurama any more. Once his best friend, the fox now was nothing more than the conniving youko of legend; a cold-hearted thief that often stole as many virginities as gold coins and jade statues.

The fox wasn't the ally he knew, the companion he always had at his side, or the friend that he (reluctantly, as he would always admit) trusted. In fact, if he truly thought about it, the fire demon realized that he had not left Kurama unattended for very long over the years that he knew him.

Always, the hiyoukai had been there to watch over Kurama. The truth was he didn't trust the fox on his own; he was always somehow paranoid that Kurama would get himself into a situation that he couldn't handle: a situation that he could have as a youko, but not as a human.

And as much as he hated it, and as often as he told the fox that his humanity was a disgraceful weakness, Hiei had become accustomed to watching his companion's back with an intensity that did not match companionship.

But, of course, the fire demon refused to accept this possible conclusion. He was a companion of the fox, a friend to the fox, and an ally for the fox. He wasn't anything else and he never would be.

To even think that he was or could be at one time in his life was pure stupidity, something only worthy of the Detective or Fool.

And perhaps that was why he had followed the kitsune into the forest that night.

Perhaps it was to solve this once and for all; to clarify that he didn't care about him anymore and wouldn't until he was once more the fox that he knew; the Kurama he had attacked that strange day nine years ago.

Or maybe he was only continuing on in circles: he followed the fox out of habit, because the forest was dangerous. But he only cared for the fox's health out of habit for his old friend, and now that his old friend was no longer himself, he was only following out of habit, a habit that would be cleared up that night…only to prove that once more he was following the fox out of care.

Which, as he had previously stated was an inconceivable thought that was only brought on by the stupidity rubbing off of the Fool and the Detective.

The fire demon groaned in annoyance as he grabbed his head in both hands; he had been giving himself far too many headaches as of late.

Ignoring the pounding pain in his head, he glanced back down through the foliage at Kurama. The fox had found himself a rather secluded little area within the forest. He sat against small, smooth pebbles trailing down to gently lapping waters. The small pond was created by the waterfall that gently crashed over the small cliff that the waters gently brushed against. Ripples were constantly bringing small, miniature waves against the smooth rocks beneath the shores.

The fox sat with his clothed feet inches from the lapping waters, propped up by his hands as he stared at the sloshing waterfall, a sliver of a moon peaking through the vegetation atop the cliff. Dark green eyes were watching that glowing silver source of light with the appreciation that only a canine relative can show.

The fire demon had been watching Kurama for over a half hour now, and he could not decide whether he was here to watch or to confront.

It was, once more, a circle that only continued to sweep him back to it's beginning which, in case of a circle, was a nonexistent point with an end nowhere in sight.

Hiei gave a tired sigh as he once more ran his fingers through his hair in attempt to relieve the pain of the pounding.

"That's the thirty second sigh you've made so far, fire demon," Youko's slightly deeper voice suddenly cut through, the human tones still heavy in his normally smooth, icy speech.

Hiei's crimson eyes narrowed and he dropped from the tree, landing in a crouch and standing, pushing his hands into his cloak. With decided slowness, he began making his way across the softly shifting grass and onto the smooth, river-like rocks.

"You know…" Youko began, knowing the fire demon had stopped behind him, standing in perfect silence as he always did, "Yusuke doesn't want me near you...He wouldn't be happy to find you here."

Hiei only gave a customary one-syllable response as his eyes shifted from the flowing waters to the kitsune resting before him. He could just picture the smirk that was undoubtedly on that pale face.

"So…come to spy on me then, fire demon?" Youko asked but, contrary to Hiei's belief, he was not wearing a smirk of any kind, though he made sure to contain the tones of one when he spoke.

In truth, he was staring up at the pale moon in an unforgiving grace which prayed for further understanding of what might be happening within his heart and mind, one which should be doing and thinking of nothing but the mourning of his lost lover.

Kuronue had been his entire life. Although he started as only a thieving partner, an underling in training within his mind, the bat demon had grown to be so much more over the years.

His death should have meant Kurama's death.

Kitsune were a widely misunderstood race, mainly because they made it that way through their own sexual escapades.

Fox demons were not all about the sex, in truth. They were very romantic at heart and were often regarded as the strongest mates when it came to love in the demon world. A common saying within the makai only furthered the belief that kitsune hit the ground the hardest after loosing a mate;

"To kill a demon, aim for his heart. To kill a fox claim his heart."

For that was the one greatest truth that Youko would admit to (if he would admit no other.) He had loved Kuronue, a bat demon that had claimed his heart…a heart that had died the day his bat demon had.

But his heart was beating again, pounding beneath his chest whenever the fire demon drew within his touch, yet forever remained outside of it. Perhaps Yusuke had been correct: he had wanted to live, he wanted to know what it felt like to be held, whether in a human's arms or a demon's, he had wanted to feel again.

He had wanted to know once more what it was to be loved.

Yes, Yusuke was right. Youko knew in his heart that he would love again, and the Kurama that was supposedly him now knew what it was to love again.

The only question left to answer was…If he had lived to love in order to love living once more…why had he not told Hiei? What was the point of living for love, if he could never express it or have it returned to him as he so longed for and now, apparently, lived for.

It was a tongue twisting circle that he would rather avoid in his mind, or face the consequences, which amounted to a headache.

But the thoughts could no longer be ignored. There were three options that he could foresee;

Accept the inevitable: this new body and mind loved Hiei but could never tell him. (a.k.a. apparent situation already)

Screw acceptance and tell the bastard anyways, no matter his response. (a.k.a. the situation soon to be)

Learn to live without loving (a.k.a. his current situation as Youko)

From the notes his mind had already taken of the situations, it was clear what

choice was to be made. He knew that what he was going to get in response was not going to be acceptance, not pleasantries, not love.

It was what Yusuke had feared, and it was something he already knew was going to happen.

It was inevitable: once a love is realized it should not, no: can not, be left unspoken.

The choice was clear: if Kurama that lived in this day had not the strength to tell him, then there had no point in turning human. If admittance was not acted upon, then he would never love, and since love seemed to be the only reason he would ever choose to live as a ningen, his choice had been a waste of energy and honor.

And that was purely unacceptable.

"Hiei," The youko began, his tone was soft and almost gentle, but something within the unconfident security with which he spoke told Hiei that he had come to some sort of a conclusion; though what for the fire demon had no idea.

"What, Youko?" he answered, his voice remaining cold and indifferent to the fox's softness and apparent kindness.

"What am I to you?" he asked quietly as his eyes lowered to stare at the lapping crystal waters that brushed against his toes, the spray of the falls shadowing his body in a gently mist. He kept his head held high, however, maintaining his prideful stance as his eyes lidded down.

"What?" Hiei asked, genuinely confused by the sudden inquiry. "You're a youko. What are you to anyone else, you idiot?"

The fox gave a tired sigh which he soon followed with a lazy smirk that danced across his lips. His first thoughts had been correct; this would end ugly. But he thought could take it; it wouldn't be that hard.

After all, he was already in a state of mourning; if there was a time to inflict more pain it was now, when he could no longer feel but for his numbness.

"That is not what I meant," he answered, still speaking in tones of soft understanding. It was an understanding that even he did not quite understand yet, which was just another endless circle of headaches.

Life was one big circle of headaches, wasn't it?

"What am I to you in this world?" he repeated, though this time he continued. "Am I a friend? An enemy? Ally? …Lover?"

Hiei turned away at the slight hesitation of the last suggestion. Something of a slight twinge within him somewhere initiated the stupidity once more inflicted by spending time with those two imbecilic detectives.

That was it, he'd had enough: He was going to sue Koenma for the damage to his brain, psyche, and personal attitude.

Those red eyes glared angrily at the forest that bordered this small, secluded beach area. His voice was cold, but he was angry with himself more than anything. Angry that he couldn't figure out why he hated the man before him so; angry that he couldn't figure out why he cared for the man before him so; and especially angry that he couldn't keep the uncertainty out of his voice as he replied, "…Ally."

The youko gave a soft, almost ridiculing snort as he muttered under his breath, "Well that's one sided."

Hiei blinked in surprise, narrowed eyes turning back to his companion. Had he heard him correctly? Was he taking the wrong meaning of it? Had he even heard it at all, or was it just his imagination? With narrowed eye still locked on the redhead, he spoke in a colder tone, one of more confidence. "What?"

"Nothing," the kitsune replied in a tired voice. With the shake of his head and the sigh of his breath, he continued his questioning, though Hiei did not quite see the point of this apparent interview. "Do I have a lover, then?"

Hiei found this question an odd one, and he found himself able to reply without hesitation or uncertainty this time. "No."

Even the answer seemed so very cold to his own ears, which were used to hearing nothing but pure hate for the world around him.

"Fire demon…Hiei…I wish to tell you something," Youko was nearly whispering now, his voice a mix of everlasting strength that was riddled with the cracks of knowledgeable despair.

"What is it?" the fire demon asked in annoyance, not particularly caring what the youko had to say but completely unable to stop himself from listening with the greatest intent.

"This body of mine…this human life that I have taken for myself," he began, his voice never changing. His eyes were staring once more at the moon and he longed to take out a hand and catch it within his milky white palm.

Perhaps he had been wrong; maybe there was more pain to know than he had previously thought.

"What of it?" Hiei asked once more, his voice remaining cold to his once close companion.

Youko stood from the rocks, casually dusting himself off without a true second thought. Hiei didn't miss it and appointed it as the vain thoughts of a youko. The fox didn't seem to notice the disapproving look as he walked over to stand before the fire demon, finally facing him.

Hiei was growing slightly nervous at the sudden lack of space between them, especially with the fox not himself and he…with a pounding headache. He didn't move away, however, his pride not allowing himself to back down.

"There is something within this life that needs to be spoken, but which this new me refused to tell you," he started, his voice even and study despite the riddles that he spoke. As he stood before Hiei, no more than a foot from him, he continued even as the fire demon began to grow nervous underneath that green stare.

"Spit it out already, Youko" the fire demon almost snarled, the proximity of the fox, who had stolen his Kurama away from him, was making him angry and nervous.

"Love."

"Wh-what?" Crimson red eyes widened in shock but not full understanding yet and Hiei attempted to take a step back, but Youko grabbed either of his shoulders, his human fingers digging softly into pale, childish flesh.

"You heard me, fire demon. You will not accept it, but this body, mind and soul loves you. I know now why I chose to live as a human. Because I wanted to live, Hiei," Youko's voice was growing oddly desperate and the fire demon suddenly heard the tentative tones of the old Kurama there.

And not just the Kurama that had been lost to Syunsuke. He heard the old fox that he had teamed up with nine years ago; that he had first seen smile. It was something that caused his chest to ache with longing.

He missed that Kurama; he missed him enough to even be able to admit it to himself.

And this…this was too cruel. Why was Youko doing this; wasn't the fire demon under enough pain from the loss of his closest friend? Why now would he taunt Hiei with lies about his best friend.

Had the man before him truly no heart?

"And to love again," Youko was continuing with his desperate voice, fingers growing tighter around Hiei's shoulders, "I wanted to know what it was like to be loved. And I found what it is to love, again, Hiei. This soul and this mind love you…but I know that the second part will never be fulfilled.

"You will never love me. But it isn't fair to keep so much pain inside you, when there is only pain outside as well."

Hiei's eyes were wide and he was trying to pull away from Kurama's grip. This wasn't right; nothing in here was right. Kurama couldn't love him, he wouldn't sacrifice their alliance, their strength for something as stupid as a ningen emotion.

Youko was lying about his closest companion; the only one who ever understood him; cared for him.

This was the youko yet again; the vain emotions of a fox obsessed only with his possessions.

And he hated him.

"Get away from me!" Hiei suddenly screamed, shoving Kurama back. The fox was caught off guard and stumbled back, his footing slipping on the smooth rocks. He winced as his ankle twisted unnaturally and he fell onto the hard, uneven ground beneath him.

The fire demon was furious, practically steaming from the ears. His eyes spoke of imminent pain and death for the lie on the ground before him, dark green eyes wide.

"What would you know?" Hiei screamed, surprised by his own anger at the youko but too angry to care. His fisted hands were shaking by his side as the heat began to radiate off of him in waves. "You're just an over-emotional fox crying for a lost boyfriend!"

Youko's eyes widened as he stared up at the fire demon, who was looming over him, standing between his legs. He winced, his ankle already beginning to pang sharply, the skin swelling.

He thought he could handle the pain of this rejection because he knew that it couldn't be worse than the loss of Kuronue. But he was wrong because he hadn't thought about how the pain would double if his recent loss was brought up so bluntly and disapprovingly.

Inside him he could feel his heart begin to constrict harshly. He knew this feeling; it was the same unbearable pain that came with watching his first true love and only mate die at the cold hands of bamboo stalks.

Suddenly, the silence that had begun to form between the two demons was ended by a hoarse, almost panicked call through the forest. Hiei's eyes suddenly hardened, going from the fury of Youko's confession to sudden surprise at the anger whelming within him and his shaking fists.

The heat disappeared immediately but before Youko could react, Hiei vanished, flickering off with his demonic speed, scared of his own actions.

"Kurama?" the call echoed through the forest again and the fox looked up as Yusuke managed to stumble through the vegetation and onto the soft grass that met with the river rocks. "Kurama!"

The detective was beside his friend within seconds, anxiously examining him for wounds. "What happened? Did Syunsuke attack? You're ankle is swelling, we should get some ice on it right away."

The youko didn't reply, he just allowed the detective to continue his inquiry and draw up his own conclusions. The fox fought as much as he could against the rising pain in his chest, but it was beginning to hurt just with the act of breathing.

As Yusuke helped him back into the forest, away from the waterfall and towards the temple, a single tear rolled down his cheek as a final contraction to his heart broke the last shards that were strung together with the hope of one day living again.

The detective made no comment as he practically felt the fox beside him shatter into hundreds of different pieces, which had just been piecing back together slowly. He turned and glanced back at the clearing and then the forest about them, brown eyes narrowed in suspicion and looking for a black-cloaked fire demon.

-o-o-o-

Yusuke gently knocked on the door before opening it up to the dark room that lay beyond. Shades were drawn over the windows in the room, though the Japanese paper coverings had remained open, slid to the side to allow in the sounds of the forest beyond and the smells of the trees and plants.

Lying on the same bed in which he had awoken so frightfully, Youko was curled in on himself, forming a rather large ball underneath the window. Green eyes lost in thoughts of better days without despair and sorrow stared at the moon beyond the shade, visible only when the wind blew the cover away from the opening.

"Hey," Yusuke began as he entered the room hesitantly, unsure how to handle the situation. It was obvious what most likely happened in the forest tonight, especially with Youko's confession of his knowledge about Hiei earlier that afternoon. The detective cursed himself for leaving the Youko alone long enough to wander off and meet the fire demon alone.

"Look, I know you don't want to talk," he spoke in kind, friendly terms, hoping they would encourage the Youko to open up or at least to feel comforted, "but I just wanted to make sure you didn't need anything."

The fox did not respond in speech or movement; he remained staring at the covered window, occasionally blessed with the silver light of the slivered moon.

As several moments of uninterrupted silence passed, Yusuke accepted the lack of response and gave a nod, fingering his hands nervously. "Okay, well, I'll just be outsi-"

"I miss my tail."

Yusuke blinked as he was interrupted by an almost childish voice. The youko's tone had grown much younger and seemingly so innocent. The sound coupled with the fox's rather pathetic, defeated look gave the detective the thought of a lost kit crying out for its mother.

"Wha-?" was about all he could manage in his sudden confusion of Youko's statement.

"My tail," the fox repeated, still staring out the window, unwavering. "You know, the fluffy thing that wraps around you when you're cold…or lonely…or scared…" His tone had gone from one of attempted humor to the trailed off sorrow of realization, as if it was dawning on him just how deeply he hurt inside. "The thing whose warmth feels like your mother's fur against your own cold skin…"

Yusuke had moved from his spot when the tone first changed, crossing over to the side of the room and sliding open the Japanese style closet. As Youko was finishing his speech, he fished something from the depths of the darkness and moved over to him.

Green eyes widened as a soft blanket was wrapped around his relatively bare form. The fox turned his head, looking over at Yusuke who was silhouetted but for the occasional dance of moonlight.

The detective tried to give a smile, though it seemed saddened by the sorrow seen in those eyes of his ally, companion, and friend. "I know it's not a tail," he whispered as he finished wrapping it around the fox, "but it's the best we have."

"No…" Youko muttered as he gently wrapped his fingers around the hem of the blanket. A smile spread across his lips; once more Yusuke had born the purest smile from Kurama, something that had not occurred so many times in so many, many long years.

"It's a good substitute."

-o-o-o-

Crickets were chirping loudly as soft, lightly clothed feet made their way in perfect silence across the wooden floors of the Japanese temple. Light fabric swished against the walls as a shadowed figure made his way through halls and towards the outside world.

He needed freedom this night, not a caged room in which he could only share his pain with the moon so distant and far away, a symbol of how longing for something would only send it further from your reach and from your hope.

Youko had been wrong about everything; he had never been so pained in his life. His entire thought process had been flawed from the start; he had thought that telling Hiei the truth of this body's desires would ease his burdened heart.

He had already been in so much pain and suffering from the loss of Kuronue that there had been nothing else to loose; rejection couldn't hurt one already rejected.

But that was untrue. A second rejection, even if the first was of the gods stealing his lover from him, only worsened the pain of the first, bringing out every detail of anguish in agonizing clarity.

What had he done to himself, and to this life that he now lived so falsely?

"You are a good thief," a voice suddenly broke through the silence as the youko crept past the kitchen, only yards from his salvation; his freedom. "Not a single sound throughout the entire temple."

The youko turned into the kitchen, not bothering to pretend he wasn't there; to pretend he hadn't been caught.

The light flickered on in the kitchen, illuminating the old master that sat at the table, staring at him with unblinking, tired eyes. Those eyes of hers were as wise as Youko's, perhaps more so than even he could ever understand. She stared at him with the wisdom of age and a life of hardships that can only be won through the perseverance of pain and sweat.

"If I'm such a good thief, how did you hear me?" he replied as he crossed over and sank into the chair opposite the master, her eyes telling him he should do so without words needed to direct. The temple owner before him smiled slightly, her eyes crinkling with the age of her skin.

"I happen to know two reasons why you wouldn't be sleeping," she replied as she wrapped her hands around the tea cup on the table and raised it to her lips. After a long sip she set the cup down and continued, "One: A kitsune in mourning is nothing to just wave off. It's said foxes don't form true relationships because they fall farthest and hardest."

Youko's gaze drew down, a move he never would have been so shameful as to produce, but his agonizing despair had long ago thrown his pride to the winds to be carried off where they saw fit.

"I'm not going to deny that," he whispered, staring at her cup of tea because it gave him something to look at other than those all knowing eyes that bore into his very soul.

"You know what?" she suddenly announced, climbing to her feet as she slid the chair back, "I know what you need. I'll get you some ice cream; it'll make you feel better."

Youko lifted his head to look at her in mild confusion and brief curiosity. It was good; curiosity kept his mind off the thoughts that lingered there, plaguing him with never ending guilt, despair, and wallowing pity mixed with hatred.

"Some what?"

"Ice cream," Genkai clarified as she moved over towards the freezer (Youko identified it as the big white cold box that held food and drinks, since he couldn't quite understand the purpose of humans having to name everything they saw. To him, it didn't need a name; identification and recognition was all it needed to serve its purpose.) She pulled open the doors. "It's a type of food."

Youko's brow furled at this. How would food make him feel any better? He certainly wasn't hungry at the moment and, although he had declined dinner tonight, his stomach not up for the challenge to topple his quivering chest, he had been eating relatively well over the last two days.

"Food…will make me feel better?"

Genkai smirked, giving a soft snort of amusement as she pulled out a round tub of something and set it on the counter. "Trust me," she replied as she grabbed a bowl from a cabinet and began scooping a semi-solid, almost gelatin but not transparent substance into the bowl.

Youko watched with deep interest; anything to captivate his mind for the time being. When several scoops of this gelatinous, solid cream had been put into the bowl, she walked back over and handed the dish as well as a spoon to him and told him to eat it, but not too fast.

The fox demon lifted a spoonful of the oddly shaped, white substance and slowly slid it into his mouth, not even pausing to contemplate poison. What would it matter if he died now or lived till tomorrow?

Green eyes lit up as the substance of pure cold began to melt in his mouth, liquefying and spreading over his tongue, electrifying his senses. It was like sucking on snow but it had flavor that he could only dream to describe!

"It's like sweetened snow!" he cried out as he spooned another bite and fed it into hid mouth, sucking on the spoon with a childish joy.

Genkai smirked, not able to stop the irony and humor that passed at that statement. She knew her next statement would bring trouble, but it was a perfect opportunity to bring it up. "That's exactly what Hiei called it."

Sure enough, the fox demon grew silent as the grave, staring at the bowl of smooth, creamy treat called ice cream. Slowly, he slid the spoon back in and grabbed another bite, the only sounds being the clanking of silverware to the dish.

"And here we find reason number two," Genkai spoke softer, her tones gentle and conveying her understanding of the situation.

Youko remained quite, eating several more bites before he found the courage to speak once more, his voice hoarse at first before he swallowed the pain and summoned the little pride he had left. "H…How long have I loved him?"

"Oh, about nine years," Genkai replied easily, pouring herself more tea.

"Why didn't I ever tell him?"

The old master raised an eyebrow at his question. "I would have thought the answer to that was apparent," she replied, sipping her tea as she cocked her head to gesture at his wrapped ankle.

Youko bowed his head as he mumbled something of an acceptance. Genkai watched with an unknowing sorrow as the tears began to roll down the fox's cheek, he unable to contain them any longer.

"I think…" the fox whispered softly, almost inaudible in the quiet of the kitchen, "I'm not the one truly crying…"

Genkai glanced up at him, surprised at this amount of knowledge and recognition coming from the mourning kitsune. She gave a slow nod. "Yes, Kurama, if you wish to call your current or future self that, knows as you know. It is likely that when we get your memory back, you will still remember everything that has happened here."

"So don't say anything bad about me, right?" Youko suddenly joked, looking up with a small smirk as he spooned another mouthful of ice cream. He couldn't let the old master before him admit to what he already knew: he would remember Hiei's rejection and the never ending pain that had accompanied it.

There would be no turning back.

Genkai gave a soft smile at the Youko's aversion of the truth. "Right…don't say anything bad." She glanced down at the emptying bowl of ice cream and stood again. "Here, let me get you more ice cream."

She reached for the bowl but paused and slowly retracted her hand. "Actually, let me get you the whole gallon. You look like you need it."

-o-o-o-

Chapter 11

End

-o-o-o-

Well, I finished this chapter in record time! All in one night…of course I had all the dialogue already written out but hey, you don't know tha- oh…you do now…

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter a lot, I had a blast writing it,

Author's Notes:

Youko's confession: I have tried explaining it three times in this chapter, but I still don't know if I got it across; Kurama thought that he couldn't know any more pain, so it was the perfect time to confess. He wouldn't feel the pain that Hiei would inflict. However, he didn't expect Hiei to bring up his mourning for Kuronue, which only doubled the pain because he was being rejected on terms of his own loss.

The Tail episode: Okay, I couldn't help that cute little part. It popped into my head ages ago and I simply had to include it.

Genkai and Ice Cream: Okay, ice cream does make you feel better, and I thought it was important to clarify again why everything is the way it is.

Hiei's confusion: The reason for Hiei's uncertainty as well as his adamant hatred of Youko will all be explained further in later chapters. So no worries, there is a reason for the slight OOC there and the crazy amount of anger that led to the painful rejection.

End Author Notes

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