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Anyway, I Hope this chapter is ok :-) Thanks for reading it.
A Perilous Road.
Chapter Nine: 'What Were You Thinking?!'
Fili peeled his eyes open gingerly, allowing them to adjust to the brightness bearing down on him. He felt like he'd slept for days, and where was he? Inhaling sharply Fili sat bolt upright as the memories of the past few days came crashing in on him. His first and foremost concern was his Brother and he was relieved beyond measure to spot him curled up a few feet away from him, his face innocent and vulnerable in his slumber.
Relaxing a little Fili raked a hand down his face. What had they been thinking? Believing they could cope on a journey by themselves, Fili believing he could protect his Brother…
His thoughts were interrupted as he noticed a figure knelling beside him. "Morning Laddie. How are you feeling?" Fili squinted at Oin and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
"I, uh... I'm ok." Fili fidgeted and avoided eye contact. The truth was he wasn't ok, but he didn't need to go spilling his guts right now, and there was nothing Oin could do for him mentally.
Sighing heavily Oin pursed his lips and removed the hearing aid from his ear. The look on his face told Fili he wasn't buying his self-diagnosis but not wanting to preach Oin produced a small pot of salve. "I need to apply some of this to the cuts on your hands and re-do the bandages."
Fili frowned and studied his hands, grimacing as he flexed his fingers. His hands were wrapped up tightly in muslin cloth, and a fair amount of blood had soaked through. It must have happened when he'd struggled to free himself of the binds. He honestly hadn't noticed the pain until now, he'd been too preoccupied with his thoughts. "It's nothing. I'll be fine." Folding his arms Fili looked away from Oin.
There was a slight pause before Oin spoke again. "Laddie if I don't do it Thorin will have a fit. As soon as we'd left the forest he got me to tend to these cuts and he asked it be the first thing I did when you woke again. Just let me treat you and it'll keep the big bear happy."
Fili couldn't help but smile at Oin's comment. He had a point. And speaking of his Uncle, where was he? Craning his neck Fili searched their surroundings. They were in a small rocky enclosure with only one way in and out. To the side of them a small waterfall cascaded from a mossy terrane and into a small pool beneath. It was pretty breath-taking but it was all lost on Fili when he was in such a state.
Sensing his curiosity, Oin spoke up. "The others have gone to gather some food and scout ahead a little way." Fili thought it strange they would scout ahead as Thorin would insist they were heading home, but then he guessed they wouldn't be going back the forest way, so it made sense to look ahead and check things out.
Oin began cleaning the cuts and rubbing the ointment in and Fili bit his lip to keep him from cursing. Thinking of his Uncle Fili shuddered inwardly. He knew that a 'discussion' was immanent and quite frankly he was dreading the confrontation. But he knew it would do no good to dwell so he decided to divert his thoughts as best he could.
Frowning he recalled it being morning when they had emerged from the forest. "How long have we been sleeping?" He expected Oin to say a couple of hours but was shocked to hear it had been two days. Becoming instantly concerned about his Brother Fili tried pulling his hand away to be by his side.
"Hold your horses, I'm almost done." Oin held onto him tightly as he bound the last of the bandages.
"Will Kili wake soon?" Fili asked shakily. He couldn't ignore the sudden doubt that maybe his Brother wouldn't wake at all. Realizing Oin couldn't hear without his aid Fili reached out and pointed to it, repeating his question once it was in place.
"Yes, yes." Oin waved a hand dismissively. "Of course. He shouldn't be asleep much longer."
Fili prayed Oin was right. After they'd been rescued Kili and Fili had barely been able to stay coherent upon their ponies, but the others had travelled either side of them making sure that they stayed awake and didn't succumb to the temptation. The second they'd left the forest however both Brothers had slumped forward upon the ponies and fallen into a peaceful slumber. Fili had known he'd been tired, but hadn't expected for a moment that he would sleep two days.
Thanking Oin for his assistance Fili made his way over to Kili's side. He couldn't help but watch the rise and fall of his chest and feel relief at knowing his Brother was alive. He grimaced as he recalled his nightmares from the Forest, there was no forgetting those and the complete terror and grief he'd experienced. Offhandedly he wondered what his Brother's nightmares had been and found himself praying they hadn't been as bad as his. Beginning to feel increasingly inpatient Fili began gnawing his nails. The second his Brother woke, he would breathe a little easier, but until then Fili would stay by his side and watch over him.
Waking on his side, Kili stirred sluggishly. Opening his eyes and blinking through the haze of sleep he focused upon his Brother, a look of complete relief sweeping over Fili's face.
"Kili!" Fili didn't hesitate as he shuffled over to Kili. "How are you feeling?"
Wetting his chapped lips Kili sat up stiffly. "I'm ok. Are you?"
"Of course." Fili smiled listlessly and offered Kili some water to which he accepted gratefully. He savoured the feel of the liquid sliding down his parched throat.
"Thanks." He handed the water back and stretched. He was about to ask of the whereabouts of their Uncle when a shadow fell over the space between them. Looking up Kili spotted Thorin and froze. Instantly he wasn't sure how to react and his Uncle's expression made him hard to read. He was mad, of that there was no doubting, but Kili could see something else there – a kind of resoluteness he wasn't sure he'd even seen portrayed in his Uncle.
"Are you okay?" Thorin asked, his forehead etched with concern.
Kili swallowed heavily, feeling a tide of emotion sweep over him. He didn't want to break down, he wanted to be strong like his Brother and Uncle but there was no escaping the emotions his nightmares had evoked. "I…" He hesitated as his lip trembled and his kin looked upon him with concern.
Kneeling down beside Kili, Thorin waited patiently, he didn't push and neither did Fili as they allowed him the time to compose himself. "You… You all rejected me. You said… I was a disappointment." Kili felt a tear roll down his cheek despite his best efforts. Staring at the ground beneath him he fiddled with a buckle on his boot. He couldn't look at his family because deep down he still feared his nightmare may come true.
After the slightest of pauses Thorin spoke. "Kili, look at me." There was no ignoring the authorative tone his Uncle spoke to him with, but it was gentle all the same.
Swiping at the tears threatening to fall Kili looked at his Uncle with bated breath.
"Don't ever think you're a disappointment. Ever. You need to know that I feel nothing but proud of you and your Brother." Leaning forward Thorin placed a hand on Kili's shoulder, squeezing affectionately as he carried on. "We would never be without you, and you two are both the most important things in my life." Thorin's voice wavered as he looked between them both, there was a sincerity and compassion so fierce it was inescapable.
Kili exhaled shakily and looked to his Brother. "I couldn't live without you Brother, just you remember that." Fili said as he stood to his feet and held out a hand to Kili.
Taking a hold of his hand Fili pulled him to his feet, hugging him with conviction. "I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to you." Fili whispered words were muffled into Kili's coat as they embraced.
"I feel the same." Kili replied. And as he hugged his Brother back he knew he'd never doubt his worth again. And as long as his Family loved him he had all the purpose he'd ever need.
Thorin watched his Nephews embrace and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Gratitude that they had survived the Forest and he had found them in one piece. Several times along the way Thorin had imagined finding them injured or even worse, dead and it had taken all his perseverance not to break down.
Hating to break up the moment, but knowing there was still much to discuss Thorin cleared his throat. Sensing their confrontation was due the boys separated and watched their Uncle. He wanted to be mad, he really did but it was hard after he had found them so emotionally broken and regarding them now he could sense the vulnerability but also a determination which frightened him a little.
Crossing his arms he took a deep breath and prepared himself. People always regarded Thorin as tough and harsh, but when it came to Kili and Fili he struggled to keep up the façade. He knew how much they looked up to him and knowing they were hurting tore him up inside causing all traces of anger to vanish into nothingness.
"Boys, listen." He begun. The both became still and he knew he had their attention one hundred percent. He shook his head, remembering the betrayal he'd felt when he'd realized they'd left. He recalled the promise they had made on the night they had found the Journal. The promise he had believed. "What were you thinking?!"
The Brothers focused on their feet. Guilt and shame had them speechless and a heavy silence ensued.
"Fili?" Thorin prompted. He didn't blame either one more than the other, he knew there was no stopping these two when they got an idea into their heads. But as the oldest he at least expected Fili to begin explaining their actions.
Glancing briefly at his Brother Fili lifted his head. "We weren't thinking." He admitted. "But, we cannot let this go, Uncle."
Thorin feared as much and feeling his temper rear its ugly head he took a menacing step towards his Nephews. "You could have died." He hissed.
Both boys avoided eye contact. They knew they'd pushed Thorin too far by doing this and it was written all over their faces.
Trying to reel his temper in Thorin raked a hand down his face and looked skyward, taking a couple of seconds to remember to breathe. "You promised me." He mumbled as he still looked above. Dusk was drawing in, the sky darkening along with his mood. When neither spoke again he focused upon them, narrowing his gaze. "Don't ever lie to me again." He warned.
Both had the decency to reply with a vehement nod and answered "we won't" in unison.
"We're sorry, Uncle." Kili blurted, his eyes big and pleading for forgiveness.
Thorin cursed inwardly, his shoulders sagging at the defeat he felt come over him. Damn these boys and their puppy dog eyes. Still, his hands fisted at his sides and he carried on, despite his crumbling resolve. "Did you even consider what this would do to your Mother?" Thorin knew he'd hit a sore spot as both boys bristled. "She blames herself for you leaving." He finished. Noticing Kili's lip tremble Thorin almost ran over to them and comforted them, but he had to do this. They needed to know.
"Please tell me that isn't true." Fili breathed.
Thorin pursed his lips and refused to deny it. He watched as the boys looked to one another, their emotions on overdrive and guilt seeping from their pores.
"We never meant for that. And we did consider Mother, our hearts broke that night we left and there isn't a single day we haven't thought about her, hoping she'll forgive us." Kili explained.
Fili nodded. "We didn't want to hurt her." He added.
Thorin didn't doubt it but the fact remained that she was beside herself with worry and blame.
"Look, it's getting late." Thorin sighed, feeling overcome with exasperation. "Let's eat and we can discuss this more over supper. We'll need to get an early night before we head out tomorrow."
Thorin began to make his way past them when Fili spoke up. "We're still going to find our Sister." He declared.
Thorin froze and spun on his heel to face the boys again. The determination he'd spotted earlier was back in their eyes and he knew they were both still on board with their crazy mission, despite the danger and obvious setbacks. "I know." Thorin answered, surprising himself more than a little.
"You can't talk us out of it, we…." Kili trailed off, his eyebrows drawing near as he stared at his Uncle completely flummoxed. He'd clearly been expecting Thorin to launch into a full on lecture regarding their stupidity and was now trying to digest his words. "What?" Kili asked.
"I know." Thorin repeated. "And I am coming with you."
His Nephews gawped at him. Kili went to speak but no words left his mouth.
"What?" Fili breathed.
Thorin closed the gap between them and looked them directly in the eyes. "I am coming with you to find your Sister." Aule, he knew he'd lost the plot, and up until their confrontation he had had every intention of dragging their asses back home.
"Why?" Kili croaked.
Thorin churned this over but it wasn't complicated, not in the slightest. "Because if the last two days have taught me anything it's that family is the most important thing in the world. When I realized you'd left I was overcome with anger, I wanted to drag you back kicking and screaming. But the longer it took to find you both I realized all I wanted was to see you both again because the thought of not was unbearable. Finding you in the Forest… It made me understand how important you both are and that if I was in your position I would do the exact same. I cannot take that away from you, but I can try and help you – protect you." Thorin swallowed past the lump in his throat and waited for his Nephews to overcome their shock. "Besides, she is as good as family to me as well."
"Uncle…" Kili rasped.
"We…" Fili blurted.
"It's ok, I know." Thorin answered. He didn't have time to react as they both lunged at him, hugging so tight he was sure he saw stars. He squeezed them back, so pleased that he was giving them this, but so worried he was doing the wrong thing. "But there are conditions." He grumbled through constricted lungs. Kili and Fili released him and he relished in the gulp of air his lungs greatly needed.
"Anything!" Kili squealed as he bobbed on his feet. Thorin couldn't believe how excited Kili seemed, but then he had always been rather enthusiastic.
Becoming serious Thorin spoke his terms. "You follow my lead. If I say no, it means no and if I get a bad feeling, I mean even the slightest of bad feelings then you don't question me. Understood? And I will protect you the best I can, but that doesn't mean you get to be stupid and reckless." Thorin looked pointedly at Kili who had the audacity to look offended.
"Agreed." Fili answered, still looking a little stunned for more than one word at a time.
"Agreed." Kili parroted.
"And who will keep you in line?" Dwalin's question had them all spinning around in his direction. Thorin had almost forgotten the others were there, they had been so quiet where they huddled around the fire, but he guessed they had been shamelessly eavesdropping.
"Dwalin…" Thorin began.
Dwalin held up his palm, smirking wryly. "Don't even try and talk me out of it, I am coming with you." He crossed his arms stubbornly.
Thorin's heart swelled as he looked upon his friend. "Thank you." He offered.
"Well I suppose we'd better come as well." Oin chimed in from beside Dwalin.
"We?" Gloin bleated. Oin shot him a scathing look and elbowed him in the ribs. "Ah, yes. I suppose we better." Gloin grumbled.
Thorin couldn't help but smile and it made his heart soar to hear his Nephews chuckling beside him. It was good to hear them laugh again.
Looking amongst his fellow travellers Thorin felt blessed. "We leave tomorrow morning." He announced as he met each of their gazes head on. Looking to his Nephews he smiled warmly. "Come on, let's eat and rest. We'll all need our strength for what's ahead."
Making their way over to the fire Thorin sat contentedly in the company of his family and friends and prayed silently they weren't making a mistake.