"I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed
Sleeping in my bed

So show me family,
All the blood that I would bleed.
I don't know where I belong
I don't know where I went wrong."

-The Lumineers, Hey Ho

x~X Lene X~x

After I exited the Cullen's, I wandered late into the night, before finally laying down in a patch of grass and simply stared at the canopy of foliage above, and beyond that to the snatches of velvety blue sky that could be seen above.

Out here... it seemed like the stars gleamed in the millions... like tiny diamonds that light has been cast upon. In Chicago, you can't get that kind of view...

I'm not sure what I did, or even really thought in those hours that passed.

Time is relative, even for vampires. Carlisle told me that sometimes, decades could pass like seconds, and minutes could stretch on eternally.

I didn't really want to think, but even when you're human, that's impossible. Although, sometimes your mind thinks of millions of little unimportant things, that by the time you come to and try to figure out what you were thinking about, all those little thoughts scatter like pollen in the wind.

Being a vampire, was a tug of war. Your humanity, versus that core of vampire instinct nestled now, deep in your being.

That core... it's selfish, territorial, possessive and feral. And has desires that demand sating, against your better nature...

Carlisle was the one thing I wanted more than anything else, but blood, once I woke to this life.

I ignored that pull to him, once I changed, as much as I could. But it always existed inside of me, even when I was human, and wouldn't let me alone.

Eventually, your core wins. Even with my power to build walls and disconnect from emotions that I don't want to feel, I broke down.

One moment of weakness... the moment where the vampire is in full control- during and just after feeding- I crossed the line with Carlisle. And though Carlisle had always been the best at ignoring and suppressing the vampire nature... he failed- he caved to his vampiric desires.

When all the world brings out the saint in Carlisle, I seem to bring out the demon.

Where I'm concerned... the vampire in Carlisle comes out in dominating force, every now and then.

I always did bring out the worst in Carlisle... but even at his worst, he was the most sublime being in creation.

While never being one for romance, I always thought that love was supposed to bring out the best of you... and bring out the best in your partner... but in my experience, that hadn't really been the case.

Before I met Carlisle, I was only in love once. Or at least... I thought it was love.

After all, that's what all the movies would have you believe, isn't it? That heart racing, butterflies in your stomach... can't eat, can't sleep... fireworks when you kiss... that's what love is supposed to be.

But maybe I was too young... too inexperienced, to love truly. To love enduringly.

In the end, I ruined it... with my insecurity and jealousy. And then he betrayed me.

I thought after high school, after spending a year apart and growing, that perhaps we could try again, because no one ever made me feel, what he did.

But it was never the same.

I'm not sure why I stayed with him. Maybe I hoped that because a part of me loved him, that the old spark might ignite. That he was the solution because I'd already given him my heart before... but we were companions at best.

By the time Carlisle came into my life, I'd completely given up on love. I wouldn't allow it into my life... not in a romantic sense. Although by that point, I'd even cut ties with my family, so perhaps I closed myself to all kinds of love.

Mostly because I was wounded, and maybe because I was slowly dying... and because my love might be a death sentence to any man who would brave it.

But Carlisle was already dead. And in the end... he saved me.

When I asked him why, he told me it was because he didn't think he could stand to live in a world that I no longer inhabited. That he just couldn't let me go.

It scared me... because I knew Esme was somewhere, trying to find something she thought she was missing and I felt, it was only a matter of time before she came back to Carlisle, realizing that he was it all along.

I let my guard down for him, against my better judgement. And my vampire nature, clung to Carlisle ferociously...

But in the end, I was right. Esme came back for her husband.

We lived for months in some kind of hell. Carlisle, trying desperately to be the good man and rein in his vampire nature, while I warred with myself over as well.

It wasn't just the vampire inside me, that wanted to keep Carlisle.

As much as I hated the thought of being the other woman, as much as I loathed myself for being fool enough to think I deserved Carlisle when I'd known all along that his wife would come back... I also couldn't help feeling that Carlisle had saved me! He'd pursued me! He smiled and laughed with me! He told me, that he belonged to me! That he couldn't go on without me!

And the vampire inside me, wholly agreed.

But I was always a human full of doubt. And I started to wonder, if Carlisle really wanted me. In the end, I decided that his uncertainty, his unwillingness to hurt Esme by deserting her even in spite of his ambivalence... that it spoke volumes of his true feelings. And I decided to make it better and easier for everyone. After all, I never deserved Carlisle... and how could I compete with the paragon of good and sophistication, that was Esme?

It killed me, leaving him. My nature rebelled the entire way, wanting me to tear Esme to pieces... though I wasn't sure I could even do that... because even the vampire would never do anything to wound Carlisle so deeply.

But I let him go... giving him a parting gift that would allow him, not to think of me, and if he did to not feel anything.

I thought that would be enough to give him peace.

But had it?

I wasn't sure anymore.

X

It felt close to noon, when I finally stirred from this other plane- where thoughts seem to fade to meditation. I could hear the sound of someone swiftly approaching and my body tensed, ready to spring even as I allowed myself to breathe.

Rosalie's familiar scent- like sweet roses, plums and a hint of musk- carried to me seconds before she stopped, standing about ten feet away.

"Alice wants you to get ready, to attend Edward and Bella's graduation," she told me in her bossy, irritated tones. I learned not to take it personally, so it didn't bother me.

"I'm sure it is better all around, if I don't go, seeing as I don't care and as most of the family wouldn't want me there anyway," I responded in deadpan, not moving from where I lay.

"Don't be a pain in the ass about this, you know how Alice gets. Just get ready to go. We leave in an hour."

I arched a brow and looked over at the blonde, whose arms were crossed over her chest. She hadn't moved and was staring at me expectantly.

"There is going to be a party at the house," Rosalie suddenly stated, though I didn't understand what she was going on about or why it mattered to tell me. "Alice will be here to force you into attendance. So it's much easier explaining that you are a relative from out of town, visiting for Alice, Jasper and Edward's graduation, if you actually show up to attend to the graduation."

While I could see the logic in that, I still didn't see the point, as I didn't expect to be here more than two weeks. So what was the point of lying to the humans of Forks, explaining my presence, when it was unlikely that I would ever see any of them- when it was unnecessary to interact with them.

But if Alice had her mind set on it... containing the urge to sigh, I got to my feet. Alice always got what she wanted in the end, and there was no point fighting her on this. Besides, maybe it would prove to be entertaining.

"Has Alice picked something fabulous for me to wear?" I asked sardonically as we made our way back to the house at a moderate pace. I didn't realize how far I'd wandered from the Cullens' when I found that we were traveling at moderate vampire speed and the mansion was nowhere in sight.

"You know Alice," Rosalie replied simply, affection and irritation warring in her tone.

I nodded my head. The only reason that I didn't mind this particular, anal trait of Alice's, was that at least she mostly kept in mind the person's style when picking their outfit instead of completely disregarding it.

Having grown in the eighties and then early nineties, my style was minimalistic by comparison to the time. I'd never cared for the flashy, colorful or sparkly colors that were part of the eighties and nor the harsh primary and secondary colors, intermixed on cloth that was a large part of the nineties. I stuck to mostly black clothes, t-shirts, pleated skirts when it was too hot for jeans, and Chuck sneakers and Doc Martens.

I didn't stick out, as I did my best not to, but I suppose my style was simple punk, and later slightly grunge.

I was pleased to note, when we returned and Rosalie had shown me into a washroom, that the dress Alice had chosen for me was a simple black dress. Though it fit like a second skin, and the back was more open then I was strictly comfortable with; the hem only reached mid-thing in length.

As I slipped on the black stiletto heels on my feet- absently wondering if Alice had gone shopping for me before she'd come to Chicago as I wasn't quite the same size as either Alice of Rosalie for their clothes to fit me- I considered looking into the mirror.

I felt the outfit, simple as it was, was far too sexy and likely to draw more attention then I was comfortable with. However, I pushed the thought aside, telling myself that next to Rosalie, I was unlikely to draw all that much attention and it wasn't as if I wasn't used to ignoring the stares and comments of humans.

Though, it was rather exhausting, and I was going to be exposed to more humans in one place, than I was used to. But I comforted myself that at least, it couldn't be a disaster, or Alice wouldn't be demanding my presence.

Still... today was going to be hell.

X

I arrived at Forks High with Rosalie and Emmett and very reluctantly joined the somewhat large cluster of people, where Carlisle and Esme stood with Edward, Bella and a human male with dark brown hair. Standing off to the side, not far from them, stood Alice and Jasper who were the first to see us.

"Maggie! You look great!" Alice cried happily, bouncing over to me and grabbing my hand rather unexpectedly that I had to tense all my muscles to stop my inclination to recoil violently away, and scaring the humans.

I felt the eyes of everyone turn to me while Rosalie and Emmett moved away, no longer blocking me and moving to join Jasper where he stood, now alone without the pixie at his side.

I tried to smile slightly at Alice, though I glared at her as she slipped her tiny hand into my own and started to pull me forward.

"Come meet Charlie," Alice spoke enthusiastically as she pulled me forward until I was standing next to Esme, dutifully ignoring her and Carlisle, who stood next to her with an arm wrapped around her waist.

I focused all my attention on the pale-skinned human with dark brown hair, staring at me with warm brown eyes with an odd look on his face... I raised a brow at the man standing next to Bella and figured that he must be her father, they had similar features after all.

Slowly, my eyes flicked over his face, wondering at his inscrutable expression. If I had to guess, I would say his attempt at a blank expression denoted that he was a very serious person who looked more than a little uncomfortable.

Beneath a thick mustache were surprisingly full lips of pale pink, corners down-turned slightly as his gaze flicked almost anxiously to my right where Esme and Carlisle stood.

Socially awkward, I decided to myself, unable to help finding the man somewhat endearing because of it. Perhaps because I knew what it was like to be uncomfortable around groups of people.

"Charlie, I'd like you to meet Magdalene Cullen. Maggie, this is Charlie Swan, Bella's father," Carlisle introduced in light, polite tones, a hint of a smile in his voice- a part of me wondered at the warmth in his tone, wondering if it was related to me but pushed the very notion away. If the walls I'd placed on Carlisle held, he would have no warmth for me, only polite disregard.

But then why...

No, I told myself firmly, forcing myself to stay in the present.

I didn't allow my eyes to move away from Charlie Swan as he turned to look back at me, his brow furrowed slightly in question while I tried to recover from the pain I felt, merely at hearing Carlisle's voice.

"Nice to meet you," he intoned, his voice almost a shy murmur.

I couldn't help smiling at that as I gained control, the icy calm a balm to my wounds, feeling content that man was simply awkward and shy as I'd thought.

"The pleasure is all mine," I replied as I raked my eyes over him, noting that for a man who was probably in his late thirties or early forties, that he had a rather sturdy and fit build. And that though his features were nothing special and didn't stand out, that he was actually handsome in a simple, down-played way.

I felt a sudden and rather strange desire to run my fingers through his curly locks, wondering if they were in fact soft, or deceptive in their appearance.

"Magdalene is Carlisle's sister," Edward explained, causing me to turn to look at him and note that he was glaring at me with a look of disapproval, probably picking from my thoughts that I found the father of his little girlfriend attractive.

"Step sister," I corrected, not wishing to be so directly related to the Cullen's and thinking that it was unlikely that anyone would believe that Carlisle and I were biologically related in spite of the exceedingly pale skin, golden eyes, and otherworldly beauty.

I turned my attention back to Charlie and smiled, unable to hep the opportunity to bug the crap out of Edward.

"I'm just in town to see little Eddie, Alice and Jasper graduate," I smiled, reaching over to Edward and pinching his cheek harshly. Being around humans meant that Edward couldn't dodge as quickly as he would have liked, as we had to play human.

Edward pulled away as soon as he could, rubbing his cheek and glaring at me as I retracted my hand. Though I didn't think Esme or Carlisle approved, I could see the look of amusement that lightened Charlie's features as he looked at Edward.

'He must not like Eddie much', I concluded, looking at Charlie with approval. 'At least someone in the Swan line isn't stupid and actually has good taste.'

Edward mumbled something rude under his breath, but I ignored him, content with having pinched his cheeks.

"Um... maybe we should head inside?" Bella intoned suddenly, seeming uncomfortable and causing me to look towards her for the first time. It was funny, how the human who was the cause for all the trouble- the reason for Alice and Jasper tracking me down and bringing me here- could so easily disappear into complete irrelevance.

Beside her, Edward squeezed Bella comfortingly while glaring at me.

We all then moved inside, me heading up the rear and not paying much mind to my company. I noticed as I walked slowly, that around us more than a few people seemed to have noticed me, as I could here their chatter.

"Who is that?" a female asked, rather cattily from somewhere behind.

"Could it be another Cullen? Do they ALL look like freakin' professional models?" another female responded, a tinge of envy in her voice.

"Wow that chick is hot, who is THAT?" a male voice, form somewhere to my right.

I was tempted to roll my eyes, instead clenched my teeth and willed myself to try and breathe easy. Not a difficult thing for me, considering my power and my predisposition from when I was human to ignore hunger pangs. It was easy for my to disconnect from the thirst that dominates the lives of other vampires.

Of course, in my New Born year I had all the typical New Born problems, though I never killed anyone. But that wasn't from lack of trying and more due to the precautionary measures that Carlisle took.

Always so responsible, my Carlisle.

I shook that thought quickly from my head as we all came to a stop. Distantly, I heard Bella say that they (meaning the graduates in the Cullen family and herself) should join her classmates while I wondered why I was thinking of the past. Why I was slipping so, but knowing the answer without even having to wonder even a moment. But I didn't like the answer.

"We should find seats," Esme said in her sweet but somehow not obnoxiously saccharine or high pitched voice. Esme had a smooth voice, that put me in mind of champagne and strawberries.

The family moved to find a row and somehow, I found myself next to Charlie Swan.

"Do you mind if I join you?" I asked quietly, offering a gentle smile.

Charlie shoo his head, though it was probably more due to politeness than desire. After all, the man seemed rather tense and I had a feeling that I set him ill-at-ease.

'Could he sense what I am?' I wondered, while taking one of the fold out chairs next to him.

I found myself, as I sat and attempted to keep my modesty, studying the gym. It felt like forever, since I'd last been in a high school gym. In truth, it would've probably felt like an eternity even when I was human.

I'm not sure what it is about being on this side of eighteen, but after eighteen, High School starts to feel like something from childhood. And high schoolers are young, foolish children, still trying to learn the basic truths of life while thinking that they know everything.

I smiled self-deprecatingly to think, that even I- being serious, cynical and mature as I was- had thought at fourteen that I'd met the love of my life, and that I would never love anyone as much as I loved him.

Although, perhaps I wasn't completely wrong. While I was alive, I never loved like that again.

This world-tilting, all-consuming yearning for Carlisle... that only took hold after I'd changed. But perhaps that was simply because I only saw Carlisle on a handful of occasions, for very brief expanses of time.

But even then, I'd trusted him as I rarely trusted anyone, especially at that point in my life. I told him things, that I couldn't tell anyone else, telling myself it was easy to tell him, simply because he was my doctor.

"So... where are you from?" Charlie asked awkwardly, attempting to be polite as they waited for students to finish assembling and getting ready for the coming event.

"Chicago," I replied simply, never really one for small talk, but it was nice to have a distraction.

"I thought Dr. Cullen was from Alaska," Charlie asked, his brow furrowed over his brow as I shot a look at him.

"Carlisle has lived in many places," I replied simply with a shrug. "But I'm from Chicago."

"And you came all the way to Washington to see Alice, Edward and Jasper graduate?" he asked, sounding somewhat skeptical, causing me to arch a brow at the man who blushed.

I smile gently, letting him know that I wasn't offended. If I were him, I'd think it strange too that someone's step-sibling would go so far to see one's adopted children graduate. Unless of course they'd grown together from very small children and actually had a close sibling bond.

"It's a good excuse to visit... I haven't seen the family in so long," I replied, not letting onto the fact that was by choice rather then the usual constraints of life.

Charlie nodded. Thankfully, for his sake more than mine, there wasn't time for further discussion as the ceremony finally started and we settled in.

Was it just me, or are graduations boring occasions? If I looked back and tried to remember my own, I wouldn't be able to tell you a single word of any of the speeches, or even who was given them.

All I really remember about them was sitting in my seat in an awful green cap and gown, hoping that my pinched feet wouldn't hurt much worse, before I had to get up and retrieve my diploma, well fervently hoping that my heels wouldn't twist my ankles.

Looking down at the once torture devices, now affixed to my feet, I found that I could barely feel them. And I felt nowhere as concerned about tripping and falling my face, or walking like a drunk because I wasn't used to walking on pencil thin heels.

One of the perks of being a vampire, I guess. Sky-high, stiletto heels become a problem only for poor little humans.

X

The party had been in full swing now for a couple hours. After watching remotely from the top of the stairs, I quickly became bored in spite of the memories forced to run rampant in my brain.

Though, I had to hand it to Alice. The little pixie sure knew how to decorate and throw a party. Too bad her particular talents are wasted in our undead life, having no reason to party like this was we did.

I never was one to party, at least not when I was a teenager. Being anti-social by nature, they weren't my scene and even had anyone ever invited me to such a rager, I would never have been allowed to attend. I had, after all, a pretty strict curfew.

After I was diagnosed and later on told that it wasn't likely that I would live to see twenty-five, I'd wanted to rectify that. To make up for all the time I lost being a "good girl".

Between twenty-one and the time I was changed, anytime I could afford to, I "partied like a rockstar". Which of course included club raves, binge drinking and the occasional use of ecstasy.

I was reckless and lived dangerously... and why shouldn't I? I was going to die anyway, much sooner than anyone should- the dancing, the drugs... they helped me to forget for a while that my days were numbered.

"You really shouldn't be doing this, Lene."

"Are you stalking me, Dr. Cullen?" I asked, arching a brow at him from where I lay against what felt like very comfortable and fluffy pillows on a bed that felt wonderfully new. I should have felt concerned waking in the bed of a man I'd only met three months before, and had only seen since on four different occasions, none which were particularly lengthy, but I couldn't find in myself reason to care about much these days. At least, not where I was concerned.

Besides, Dr. Cullen- in spite of his impossibly good looks- struck me as a good person. I doubted there was a single cruel, sadistic cell in his entire body.

"Coincidence. Though, I think it is more likely fate keeps putting me in your path," he responded in quite tones, carrying his disappointment as he turned to look at me from where he sat on a chaise in his bedroom. "A good thing too. You were very disoriented when I came upon you and seemed on the verge of being taken home by a man whose intentions were highly-"

He stopped speaking, something flashing behind his eyes so fierce that it was contradictory to his very being.

"If he was foolish enough to take advantage of me in that condition, than he'd get his just deserts," I replied dryly, disgust shadowing my apathetic words. "And if he were sober, he might have been scared off all together before it got that far," I responded, reaching down to pull up the shirt I'd been changed into.

Before I could reveal the message I'd written on my body with a sharpie and self-loathing, his cold hand stopped my own. Looking up, I felt my breath catch in my throat as I stared at the warm, but sorrowful eyes, now staring down into my eyes with breathtaking sympathy.

"You don't need to show me, I saw it while I helped my daughter put you into more comfortable clothes," he stated in quiet tones, that sounded almost tearful and made my heart ache.

I yanked my hand away, though not because I felt self-conscious or uncomfortable with the fact that he'd seen my body- he was a doctor after all, he'd seen it all before. And those gowns I'd been forced into wearing during any trip to the emergency room left little to the imagination, thin and open in the back as they are.

What made me recoil was everything else. Was that empathy, so warm and bright, that stole my very breath away and almost seemed to burn.

I didn't want it!

I didn't need it!

"I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself," he whispered in quiet tones and I wanted to ask him why the hell he cared so much- I was just another patient- people died everyday-

But I didn't voice any of it.

"I don't know what you're talking about... I'm merely having a good time, while I can," I responded in almost harsh tones, or they would have, if I didn't have to speak in such low tones to keep my voice from breaking with the tears that were choking me to keep at bay.

"You're self-destructing, Lene-"

"It's none of your business what I do with the time I have left," I hissed through clenched teeth, balling my hands into the covers of his bed, refusing to look at him- knowing one look at him and I would fall apart."I'm sorry if you disapprove, but I'm not going to die miserable: slowly of some fucking infection my body can't fight off while treated by hospital staff like a leper!"

I wasn't always such a bitch, I thought. Or at least, I hoped. After all, people don't just stay away from you when you're quiet, and I'm aware that quite often in my teens, I wore a scowl more often than not. But I never hurt anyone if I could help it, even after I was diagnosed.

I shouldn't be here, I thought, having unconsciously wandered into Carlisle's study.

The Graduation party had nothing for me and with the Cullen's all scattered around doing whatever it was they were all up to, the temptation was simply too great. Somehow I felt if I couldn't get close to Carlisle, then this was surely the next best thing.

I'm not sure if I was simply too caught up, examining the books on his shelves, running my fingers along the spines or if it was simply the loud music, pulsing downstairs and reverberating on the floor beneath my feet, but I didn't hear the sound of approaching footsteps, and barely heard the sound of the door turning.

I gritted my teeth, expecting Edward or Esme, or perhaps even Alice- come to root me out and didn't turn.

If I had a heart, it might have tripped and broken down at the sound of his mellifluous voice, so like the warmth of the sun on a cold winter day.

"I didn't expect to find you here."

His tone was less aloof, that it had been only yesterday, and against my volition, I felt my brows furrowing even as an errant and miscreant bird of hope spread it's fragile wings inside my chest and soared.

"I didn't mean to be," I replied, not turning to look at him, forcing my voice steady while I stared unseeingly at the shelf before me, fighting my instinct to jump out the nearest window.

I felt his presence and the air shift, when he came to stand next to me, but I turned my head, hoping to use my hair as a screen for my eyes from his presence. I redoubled my efforts, to erect the crystal and impenetrable wall around my heart but couldn't seem to manage.

I was simply too aware of his proximity, that I thought I might go insane. I felt as if I'd drifted too close to the sun, and expected any moment for the heat to kill me.

"I'm..." he paused as if uncertain, and I couldn't help turning to look at him. His blond brow was furrowed over his eyes, his golden eyes staring down as if the words he was looking for were written there. "- I should... would be... glad. I just... don't feel like myself."

And then he looked at me, his confused and glazed eyes like an arrow through my heart.

A blonde, wavy lock, fell into his eyes and reflexively, I reached out and tucked it back, inhaling jaggedly as he tilted his head almost into my touch and regarded me with curiosity.

"What did you do... Lene?"

I felt as if I couldn't breathe... though it wasn't necessary to, the sentiment of my chest tightening felt just the same.

A storm of guilt seemed to whip through me.

"What I had to," I whispered, wishing he could understand though I couldn't bring myself to regret the actions I'd taken, even though I knew that he wouldn't have wanted. It was for the best... for him especially. Even if he didn't see it.

TBC...

A/n: Sorry about the long wait, this chapter just would not come together. Also, I'm sorry about any typos or other mistakes, as I just wanted to get the chapter posted. Also, thanks all you guys who took the time to review!

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