30 Reviews! I'm giddy with happiness.
Disclaimer: I do not own these beings any more than I own Darth Vader's favourite lightsabre. OK?
Mouth of Sauron (affectionately known as MOS)
Strengths: Brave; charming
Weaknesses: Easily defeated; has no skills with any weapons
Disorder (mental): Sadist; fear of brushing teeth
Favourite Food: Chocolate ice cream with sour gummy worms
Probable Cure: None known
Note: The patient should probably be incarcerated. He will have to be forced to brush his teeth, but we are afraid he will never lose his pleasure in tormenting people mentally, emotionally and physically.
Azog the Defiler
Strengths: Whacks people around with ease; has perfectly symmetrical scars that look cool
Weaknesses: Lost a hand; doesn't look as scary as most Orcs
Disorder (mental): Is obsessed with heads, esp. disembodied ones
Favourite Food: Dwarf flesh
Probable Cure: Getting the heads of Thror, Thrain, and Thorin in his collection
Warning: As it requires three disembodied heads to cure the patient, and only one to kill him, we recommend decapitating the patient instead of trying to cure him. If you insist upon curing him, however, we issue you a warning: the patient is dangerous. You will hear black speech! Do not repeat what you hear*.
Smaug
Strengths: Is a dragon; has a whole kingdom full of gold
Weaknesses: Has a convenient hole in his scales for people to shoot arrows into
Disorder (mental): Auromania**; homicidal
Favourite Food: Lake town people; Erebor people; Dwarves
Probable Cure: None. Incarcerate
Warning: A special building may be needed to contain the patient, as he is above normal size. Fire-proof materials recommended.
*Black speech is considered a terrible thing to listen to. All films (in Middle Earth) containing black speech are automatically rated R. For avid black speakers, however, black speech rock and black speech rap songs are made by Orcs and are available for purchase on Whamazon.
**An inane and unnatural love for gold