Middle Earth: Its Mental Condition

by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey

The characters in LOTR might be more mentally handicapped than we think. Diagnoses of all our favourite LOTR characters' mental problems. Bonus! Contains cures. (Some parts only make sense if you've seen the extended editions of the films) (And yes, that picture is a little disturbing)

14. Mushrooms, and perhaps The End

Firstly, we are so sorry we haven't posted. Our internet is acting up, so we were rather hindered.

Also, we decided to do something different today. Some wonder why we have recommended the cessation of the consumption of mushrooms to some of our patients; here we have put a letter from Saruman to explain. Saruman the White is an expert on all things mushroom. We suggest taking his advice, as he has studied the subject in some depth. We are almost completely out of ideas for characters to do, so this may be the last chapter. If you have suggestions, please tell us via PM or review.

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Mushrooms

I have researched mushrooms in great depth. In fact, I'm Middle Earth's leading expert on them. My authority is to be trusted. I have found that they are extremely harmful to one's physical, mental, and emotional health. I highly recommend shunning them. Never, ever ingest them. That means you, Pippin.

The reason mushrooms are so harmful to human (and Elven, Dwarvish, Hobbitish, etc.) digestive systems is because they are a fungus. Fungi cause the teeth to yellow and the brain to addle. If an excess of mushrooms is consumed, one is likely to end up like Radagast the Brown, mad as a march hare, and looking ridiculous to boot.

My opinion is that mushrooms are one of Sauron's devices for conquering the world (especially the Shire, since the inhabitants of that land are quite fond of the vile things), and in order to thwart his evil plans we must not consume them or encourage their growth.

Saruman the White, Orthanc, Isengard