Disclaimer: We own not these people. And Elves. Etc. But we own our psychoanalyses of them. Not to be used without our permission (because some of them might get us in trouble, hehe)
Guest: Hi there again! Yes, even guest reviewers are loved by us; we loves reviews, precious! Yes, name yourself! :) Then we can psychoanalyze you better… muahaha. ME: *cowers* sorry… but wow. We're astonished at how much attention this humble story is getting. Thank you so much, all reviewers!
Bard
Strengths: Good bowman; good sailor; good at smuggling
Weaknesses: Easily knocked out; doesn't get along with certain masters and their goons
Disorders (mental): A pushover
Favourite Food: Potatoes and cabbage
Probable Cure: Patient needs to psych himself. A little help from the outside might be useful; counselling is recommended. The patient must be brought to believe that it is perfectly fine to say 'no' sometimes.
Warning: We are not responsible for any injuries to the patient due to his refusing anything to dwarves because of his new ability to say no. Keep the patient away from easily angered people (Gandalf, Thorin Oakenshield, and the Elven-King of Mirkwood mainly)!
The Master of Laketown
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Too many to name
Disorders (mental): Greed that rivals even the Elven-King's
Favourite Food: Fried chicken
Probable Cure: The patient should be put in a dungeon on bread and water for a few years. This might bring him a little more to his senses. NO GUARANTEES.
Warning: The patient will, obviously, object to the cure. You must be strong and insist on the cure. Don't let any gold into the patient's sight during the cure.
Alfrid
Strengths: Good at tripping people; good at getting away with doing bad stuff
Weaknesses: Bad at looking like he's being useful
Disorders (mental): Extreme cowardice
Favourite Food: Roast Pheasant
Probable Cure: Keep the patient away from money and gold. Keep him away from evil influences, too (mainly the Master of Laketown). If the patient didn't feel so rejected, his mental state might improve.
Warning: We are not recommending that people do not reject the patient. He is not to be trusted. The patient is not dangerous, but people who dislike him are. Do not let zealous bowmen attack the patient; it would push him to the brink of insanity.
How would you like another essay from a highly respected person of Middle Earth for next time (similar to Saruman's treatise on mushrooms)? Tell us in a review, precious!