We have a slight problem. We have a terrible cold, and being only a humble psychiatrist we are unable to cure ourselves. So annoying.
Anyhow, today we have a letter just sent in from Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor. He has chosen to write on the delicate topic of suicide. His views are not necessarily condoned or applauded by us, and we must give this chapter an extra strong rating- T- because of disturbing and perhaps violent and psychotic content.
A Treatise on the Subject of Suicide
My dear doctor,
You have asked me to donate to your noble mental experiment, and I have decided to do so by writing a short article to convince the many aspiring psychologists that read your works that suicide is quite a good and natural way to die, and should no longer be outlawed.
To start with, I think it is best to define suicide. According to my Official Dictionary of Gondor, suicide is the action of killing oneself intentionally. This is, of course, illegal in all the realms of Middle Earth; but should it be? Should we suppress the freedom of the individual merely to save a few lives that aren't wanted, anyhow? I believe not, and here is why.
First, suicide is harmless. Elves, with their lofty ideals and petty problems claim that they outlaw suicide for the good of the one who is trying to perform it; but if that's what the person wants, why not let him? Shouldn't his life be in his own hands? Think of Maedhros. If he hadn't cast himself into the chasm he would have had to bear the pain of the Silmaril for much longer. Moreover, suicide is a happy thing for those left behind. Let's be honest here; if I hadn't committed suicide, everyone would be a lot more unhappy than they are now. If Turin and Nienor hadn't committed suicide, I, for one, would have been quite annoyed (although this would be solved if murder wasn't against the law; but that's another topic for a later date).
Second, suicide is epic. It is so inspiring and awesome that it creates memorable parts in history books, thus helping children recall their heritage. If no one ever killed himself, how would we remember important historical moments? If Feanor hadn't practically made the balrogs slaughter him, would we even remember that battle?
Third, suicide is fun. As you may have noticed, amusement parks are not illegal. Cotton candy is not illegal. So why suicide? It is unjust. It is unfair. Anyone who had seen my epic descent from the rock of Minas Tirith knows within him that it was the most enjoyable thing I have ever done. If I had never done it, my death would be nowhere near as fulfilling. Imagine if I had simply died at the hands of a balrog, or by falling into a pit or something! How lame is that?
How can we so blatantly throw aside the necessity of freedom for every man and forbid this harmless practice? No! We must stand against this rule, made by petty elves and uneducated Valar. We must fight against this tyranny keeping us from enjoying our own demises! Stand with me, men of psychology, let us fight! As Theoden King so aptly put it (and this is the first time we have ever agreed on anything), Death! Death! Death!
-Denethor, Steward of Gondor
*cough* I think I shall actually rate this chapter T+. NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 30, NOR THOSE EASILY CONVINCED.
The sentiments expressed in this article are not necessarily approved of by the publisher. We are not responsible for any acts of suicide directly related to this article. We do not own this article; all rights go to Denethor, Steward of Gondor.