"Stupid Anna! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"
Anna hadn't eaten all day, which would get her into trouble with her parents. She didn't care. She hadn't done any homework or revision that would get her into trouble at school. She didn't care. What she did care about was that, despite tearing through her home as though possessed by a hurricane, she had been incapable of finding anything from her childhood, anything she could bring with her when she saw Elsa. She blamed herself for her rebellious streak a few years prior, where she had given into peer pressure and thrown out all of her childhood memories to finally be accepted by her so called friends. It marked the last time she ever tried to fit into a group.
"Stupid Lara..."
Now she lay on her bed, legs outstretched with a large sheet of paper in front of her, a cloud drawn in its center. Every so often, Anna would draw a line from it and scribble the stray thought or memory that popped into her head. She frowned as she looked at her progress, readying herself for a second outburst. The sheet was half-empty. She tapped her pen on her forehead as she struggled to think of anything from her childhood, any quirk she or her mother remembered that she could run past Elsa: surely one of them would ring a bell in her sister's head, right? Not for the first time that day she lamented a lack of baby photos and videos for her to peruse. When she was younger, the absence had been a cause for joy as she considered herself safe from teasing, never once asking herself why?
She bit her lip. She could only remember things about herself. The only thing she could remember of Elsa was a tune and the corner of a book. Hardly ideal, but she was determined to make ends meet. Her fingers stroked her brainstorm as she pondered this, passing over the cloud before they stopped. Anna looked at it. The cloud was blank, Anna being unable to think up a suitable title for her work. She turned the sheet over and looked at her first attempt. This time she had used a title, only to stop as soon as she'd begun to write the first letter.
"E" for Elsa.
She hadn't wanted to write her sister's name on the sheet because she was afraid of her parents finding it, though starting again had nagged at her. She grinned as a new thought occurred to her. She rolled off her bed towards her shelf, pulling it open and withdrawing a narrow strip of paper. Licking her lips, she retrieved four pens from her bed before sitting down at her desk: white, blue, turquoise and navy.
Elsa's colours.
Her tongue danced over her lips as she began to draw her sister's name in bold letters with her initial black pen, her pace slowing to a tortuous crawl as she struggled to make the letters perfect. Satisfied, she placed it to one side before hovering her hand over the rest, finally picking up the white pen. Just as slowly, she began to fill in the "E".
White was the colour of Elsa's hair and skin in the bright light of her room.
She put it to one side and picked up the blue pen. She coloured in the "L".
Blue was the colour of Elsa's eyes as well as her own, a symbol of their relationship and bond.
Next was turquoise for "S".
Turquoise was the colour of Elsa's shirt, simple yet perfect.
Anna finished her side project with the navy pen, shading in the "A".
Navy for the book Elsa had read to her as a child, a reminder of how close they could be.
It took her a few moments to realise she had finished, lost as she was in her thoughts. She immediately scrutinized her work, tilting it this way and that to ensure she hadn't coloured outside the lines or creased the paper in any way. Satisfied, she held the sheet up to the light. A strange urge overcame her and she brought the corner of the strip to her mouth and pressed it against her lips, blushing when she realised what she'd done. Giggling, she gently slid her work into a folder and, with utmost care, placed it in the top drawer.
A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. Anna jumped, whirled around, ran to her bed and jumped on top of it before yelling: "Who is it?"
Her mother opened it. "What are you doing up here? I've been home for forty minutes and you haven't said a thing! What is that?" She nodded to Anna's half-complete brainstorm. "Is that homework?"
"Uh... yes! Yes, it is! Um, it's a project I need to hand in. Really complex stuff. Really needed to concentrate."
"Concentrate, huh?" Her mother grinned as she nodded at the television. Anna turned and her cheeks flushed.
"By his magic little fish who grant his every wish..."
"Um, that helps me concentrate?"
"Really?" Ithun raised an eyebrow. "Kids' shows help you concentrate?"
"Yes? Besides, it's not a kids' show!"
"Why, have you seen anyone your age watch this before?" Anna narrowed her eyes at the implication, but Ithun just chuckled. "Just don't take too long, okay sweetie? Dinner will be ready in another twenty minutes or so." And with that, she left. Anna sighed with relief before locking the door and pulling a chair up to the screen and sitting down. If she was going to reconnect with her sister, she needed to do her research after all, right? She withdrew a notebook from under her pillow, scribbled the episode's title across a clean page and began to take notes.
She hadn't expected her last visit to win her any friends at the clinic, so wasn't surprised to see Joan standing guard outside of room 427. Anna slowed to a walk as she neared her, head bowed. She saw Joan's feet turn beneath her dress to face her. "I'm really, really sorry Ms. Joan. About everything. I hope you can give me a second chance."
"Please, just call me Joan." Anna looked up, surprised. "And what you did was perfectly understandable. You're forgiven." She winked, but Anna still felt weak.
"What about Elsa? Doesn't she hate me now?" To be honest, she'd been stunned when Rachel had given her permission to return when she phoned in, fully expecting a lifelong ban from seeing her sister after what she'd done.
"I spoke with her. I asked her to be a bit more... welcoming towards you, but..." She cringed, glancing back at the door before continuing, "I'm not sure she can accommodate that."
Anna hadn't expected her sister to treat her any better, but the words still hurt. "When you say 'accommodate', what are you talking about? She - she can still talk, right?"
"Oh, of course she can!" She paused, hand frozen in the air where she'd waved away the redhead's question. "In a way. She can talk, but her vocabulary is quite... limited. I mean, she knows my name and a few others and she knows how to ask for food when it's in front of her and the like, but..." She shrugged, leaving the sentence incomplete. Anna bit her lip, holding her hands together as she let the statement sink in.
"But, if I - you know - if I visit enough; if I can, I dunno, not upset her, would she - would she be able to say my name?"
Joan placed a hand on her shoulder. "I hope she will one day." She turned away before closing her eyes. Anna watched as she seemed to argue with herself before nodding and turning back to her. "And you were right Anna."
"Me? About what?" I did nothing but scream! What good did that do?
"Elsa does need her family. Remember when I told you she finds it difficult to eat and sleep, among other things?" Anna nodded. "It's... more complicated than that." She sighed, while Anna's eyes widened. There's that word again. "I'm not a doctor and I don't claim to understand the specifics, but Elsa's problems extend beyond what you've seen of her. I think she had some problems during pregnancy, maybe she didn't get enough nutrition or was born early or something, but she's sick, Anna." The words were spilling from her mouth. "She finds it difficult to even exist. She needs medical checkups all the time - I took her to the hospital yesterday in fact - and she's on all sorts of medication. Sometimes she wakes up at night screaming." She brushed tears from her eyes. Anna became aware that she too was silently weeping. "And the poor girl just doesn't know, doesn't understand what's wrong with herself, so she just screams and screams and screams... and it only gets worse as she grows older. Every day is another blessing for her, Anna." She paused to breathe and Anna noticed dark bags under her eyes. "I worry that one morning I'm going to come into work and she'll have just... stopped breathing."
Anna gasped, hand flying to her mouth. "You don't mean that!"
Joan gave her a sad smile. "I know it's silly, but sometimes I can't help but refuse to leave the room. Elsa... I'm scared that - I told you no one ever came to see her. She never had a reason to keep going. I'm scared that she just... gave up, that she only eats and drinks and sleeps because we tell her to." Anna opened her mouth but closed it when Joan gripped both of her shoulders. "But you're here now. You can be her reason to exist Anna. Elsa needs you." Tears were welling up in her eyes again. Anna held Joan's arms.
"I won't let her down."
Joan beamed before trapping Anna in a tight embrace. Anna returned it with just as much fervour, only just noticing that the woman was not much older than the girl they were discussing.
Elsa hadn't changed. If it wasn't for the quilt resting over her legs at a different angle and the television airing another channel Anna would have thought she'd gone back in time. Elsa still wore the thin sky blue shirt, her hair braided and hanging over her shoulder and her skin just as pale. Anna felt her mind brimming with everything she'd learned since her last visit, letting her responsibilities sink in before she took her deep breath. Joan gave her an encouraging smile before tapping Elsa's wrist.
"Dear, Anna's here. Remember what I said? Say hi."
She tapped again but Elsa just brought her hand to her chest and grunted, eyes fixed to the screen. Joan gave Anna an apologetic look. Unperturbed, the redhead crouched by her sister's bed again.
"Elsa?" She spoke softly, choosing her words with care. "I saw you a few days ago. My name is Anna, remember? Ah-na, though I guess you've probably met more Ann-as in your life, so feel free to call me that if you want."
No reaction.
"Well, erm, I just wanted to apologise for my last visit and I hope we can make a fresh start."
Still nothing.
"Okay, Joan said I should reach out to you instead of expecting you to reach out to me, so I went away and did a lot of research, um, I found that show you were watching last time and managed to see a lot of episodes from it, so if you want we could watch some together or I could tell you about my favourite ones and you can just nod or shake your head or something..."
She hung her head.
Wait!
The recent stuff isn't working, but maybe...
"Elsa, do you remember anything from before you left? From when we were still together?" Please let this work. "I looked everywhere for a picture of me when I was two or younger because I thought it could jog your memory, but I couldn't find one. I guess we were in too many together for mum and dad to keep them." She forced out a chuckle. "But I remember something, and if you do too, maybe we could connect over that?"
Elsa wasn't responding to her, but she persevered.
"I was so young, so I can't remember everything, but I remember one night I was in bed and - and I was, I dunno, not sleepy? And then you were there and I guess you were reading to me or something? I think it was a big, blue book. Oh! And it was square." She traced the shape with her two forefingers. "Do you remember that Elsa? Reading to me at all?"
Nothing. Anna sighed, a war inside her mind where she fought the urge to give up.
"It's my fault. It's not fair of me to expect you to remember that when I can't." She smiled up at the unresponsive face. "But, I do remember the next part really well. I guess the book didn't work for me, or maybe it did, but anyway you put it on your lap I think and you started patting me on the stomach and - and then you sang. Do you remember that Elsa?" She paused. "Okay, maybe if I - if I sing it for you? Do you think that'll help?" She blushed and hid her face in her hands before looking back up. "Sorry!" She giggled. "I've never sung before, so bear with me!" She closed her eyes and let the lyrics float in front of her mind's eye. "Okay..." She took a deep breath.
"Hush little baby, don't say a word,"
"Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird."
"And if that mockingbird don't sing,"
"Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring."
"And - "
Here Anna cracked an eye open to spy on Elsa, before fully opening both, her face falling as she fell backwards onto her rear. Still nothing. If anything, Elsa looked irritated. She got onto her knees, placing a hand on the mattress for support. "Elsa, did that really not ring a bell at all? Hush little baby?" She let the tune slip into the words, but to no avail. "Elsa please, you can't do this to me. Please sis? That's the only thing I remember of you! Please, please don't let that memory be a fake! Elsa?" Her vision grew blurry and she furiously brushed away her tears. Joan saw the tensing of the redhead's shoulders and prepared herself for another outburst. Anna buried her face into Elsa's mattress, as if her sister's scent could stop her breaking down again.
No one wants a daughter like that!
"Not now dad..." Her tone was quiet and dead, voice muffled by the quilt.
She was probably the dumbest person on that screen!
"Please dad, just get out of my head..." Her shoulders shook as she struggled to keep her voice level.
She was older than you by two, three years yet you were better with words than she was!
"Dad don't! Wait..."
She looked up and turned to Joan. "Elsa was five at the time at most, right? And - and apparently she had trouble with words, so maybe that's what's happening! Maybe she changed the words around or - or pronounced them differently and that's why she doesn't recognise it! Because you saw her, right Joan? She frowned when I sang that! She - That was the first time she responded to me!"
Other than when I terrified her of course.
"So, you know, it resonated with her in some way! This is great! I'm onto something!"
I have to be.
Joan could almost hear the gears whirring inside Anna's head as she bit her lip, fingers wriggling as her eyes darted from left to right and back again. "And what would you have me do?"
"Oh! Well, thinking out loud really helps me - you know, think. Is it okay if I talk at you for a bit and you can just, I dunno, nod or shake your head or something?" Joan nodded and Anna beamed at her. That also stops people thinking I'm crazy for talking to myself. Just this once. She cleared her throat.
"Let's begin! Okay, first word! Hush. Let's see, four letters, three unique, one syllable. Hush. Hush? Hoosh? Nah, that's Scottish or Irish or something I think, Elsa wouldn't say that, so 'Hush' stays as it is, right?" She looked at Joan, but before she could react Anna had moved on. "Second word! Little. This time it's six letters, four unique, two syllables. Erm, litt-ul? lit-tel? Do either of those sound right? No, no they don't, so that stays as it is as well, right Elsa?"
Joan couldn't help but smile when Anna paused longer for her sister than herself, but how could she hold it against her?
"Next word. Baby. Let's see... baay-bee? Bay-beh? Actually that first one sounds promising, doesn't it? Yes it does. Moving on..." Anna analysed the remainder of the line in the same way, Joan quickly losing track of her train of thought as Anna's speech became faster and faster. "Mama? Two unique letters, two syllables. I know some places use 'Papa' instead, but why would Elsa do that? So let's see, do you think she'd say 'Mummy' instead? She might I guess, but... hmm. What about 'Momma' - nah, that's American. Elsa wouldn't say that, would she? So maybe she said 'Mummy' instead. Good. We have something now!"
"What about 'Gonna'? Five letters, four of them unique, two syllables... I can't really think of any way to interpret that differently as is. Maybe she said 'going to'? But that wouldn't fit would it? That's another syllable and I'm sure she kept the rhythm going..." She shook her head. "Let's put that in the maybe pile." She quickly moved through 'buy', 'you' and 'a' before slapping her head with her palm with a huff for forgetting the most obvious word of them all.
"Mockingbird! Of course! Anna, you're such an idiot! If there's one word she'd find difficult it's that! Okay, there's... a lot of letters in that one, most of them unique I think." Her pink tongue poked out from between her lips as she attempted to visualise the word before she shrugged. "Yep, that sounds about right. Okay, so three syllables and a lot to work with, so let's do it! Okay Joan, I'm gonna split it in two alright? 'Mocking' and 'Bird'. Let's start with the smaller one. Bird has four unique letters and one syllable. Bird? Boid?" She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Nah, that - isn't that a Brooklyn accent or something? Actually I'm stereotyping now, aren't I? I really shouldn't do that, sorry! But no, Elsa wouldn't say that, would she? So we'll leave it as it is and move on to the big one: 'mocking'. So, two syllables there. Mock-ing. Or maybe moe-king? Mo-king? Focus Anna! It's a big word, of course she'd simplify it! You would too! Think! Mocking. Mocking. Mocking. Mockingmockingmockingmockingmockimockimockimockimo - "
Mocky.
"Mockybird!" She said triumphantly. "Joan! It makes sense, doesn't it? Isn't that how little kids talk, you know, when they say things like 'icky' and 'owwy' and stuff?" She finally gave Joan enough time to respond. Caught off guard, she quickly nodded. "Perfect! Elsa?" She turned to her sister. "Brace yourself!" She shivered with anticipation before breaking into song.
"Hush little baby, don't say a word,"
"Mama's gonna buy you a mockybird."
"And if that mockybird don't sing,"
"Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring."
"And - what is that?!"
A strange droning sound filled her ears and she looked around, trying to find the source. "Do you have a radio in here or something?" Joan shook her head, then bit her lip as Anna resumed her search. The redhead's eyes fell on Elsa. She glanced at the TV and back. "I really hope you don't have a thing for the weather lady." She froze before hastily adding: "But it's okay if you do! Nothing wrong with that! But I hope it's not her." She waited for a moment. "Did anyone ever tell you you're amazing?"
Of course not. The drone stopped for a moment before resuming anew.
"Because you are Elsa. You totally, absolutely are."
She laughed.
"You're tone deaf, but you're humming and you're smiling and I love you I love you I love you!"
Maybe one day Elsa would face her, or say her name.
"I love you Elsa."
For now, her smile was enough.
"I really do."