Chapter 10

Silence.

And not the fun, easy, comfortable silence.

No.

This was the thick air, can't decide if you're suffocating or really breathing for the first time kind of silence.

Silence.

The seconds turned to minutes which were threatening to turn to hours if the pair didn't do something about that soon. Every now and again one would chance a brief glance at the other but neither knowing how they were going to broach the conversation they were obviously being forced to have.

"Why didn't you tell me it worked?'

Lauren's head snapped up at Bo's voice cutting through the quiet air. She looked at Bo with an even stare before taking a breath. "I was Bo."

The brunette held her hand up and gave Lauren a slightly annoyed look which surprised her considering the circumstances. "Save the canned response Lauren. I know you were going to tell me when I missed that dinner. And probably a few other nights when I conveniently wasn't home."

Lauren's face hardened into a scowl as she snorted slightly. "And let's not forget who you were probably doing when you weren't home those nights."

Bo rolled her eyes and sat back with a sigh. "We can go round and round about that if you want Lauren but here's how I see things. I fucked up, you've made your decisions about us so now I'm just asking for practicality reasons."

Lauren laughed sarcastically as she shook her head at Bo. "Would it even have mattered? Would it have deterred you from throwing away our entire relationship over a few nights of getting laid?"

Bo looked at Lauren with a mix of surprise and slight confusion. As long as she'd known the blonde doctor she'd always been nice and caring and more or less proper given her upbringing. To hear her talk like this, treat their situation the way she is was a bit of a shock to Bo's system. Raising an eyebrow she looked at Lauren with what she hoped was a calm and collected stare. "You know damn well it would have and still does Lauren. From day one I've wanted a family with you and from day one you've eluded it. And since we're laying all our shit out there then I want an answer Lauren. All these years you've never given me a straight answer so I want to know why you wouldn't even fathom having a family with me."

Lauren bristled slightly as she held Bo's stare with an even look of her own. "Can't you just accept the fact that raising children was never part of my life plan?"

Bo waved her hand slightly as if to brush off Lauren's comment. "Of course it wasn't. Give me a break Lauren you and I both know that is such bullshit. There's a reason but for some reason you won't tell me what it was. I guess at this point it doesn't matter but honestly...I think you owe me at least that much Lauren. Tell me why you never wanted to consider it."

"Given the situation I don't think you are in any position to be demanding things of me Bo."

Bo looked at Lauren sadly as if realizing something for the first time. Shaking her head she stood up slowly and looked down at the blonde with furrowed eyebrows. "No Lauren, the situation doesn't matter and it hasn't changed anything. I'm still asking questions and not getting answers while being expected to do exactly what you want. Well I'm done Lauren. I signed your papers so I guess that's it. I thought we could at least discuss this but I guess I was wrong. You would have thought ten years was enough time for me to realize you were never going to bend on this. Stupid me for letting you string me along thinking that maybe, just maybe it would happen. So bravo Lauren...you fooled me worse than I ever fooled you with the affair."

Bo turned and walked down the path to wait for Kate's return in the parking lot. She couldn't stand to be around Lauren right now and she knew it was her stubborn side that was causing her to focus on the fact that the blonde was still keeping secrets from her instead of trying to talk to her and maybe even work through their shit. She'd gotten about ten feet away when Lauren's voice broke through the air. "I can't have children."

Bo froze in her progress and blinked a few times trying to make sure she heard Lauren correctly. She turned around slowly and looked at Lauren with confusion. "What?"

Lauren's gaze was down in her lap and she laughed sarcastically as she spoke a little louder in response to Bo's question. "I can't have children Bo. Biologically I mean."

Bo took a few steps back towards Lauren and looked at her with a panicked confusion she couldn't recognize herself as ever having felt before. "What do you mean you can't biologically?"

Lauren finally looked up at Bo and the brunette's heart broke a little at the sad look Lauren was giving her. "I mean I went to see a specialist a few years ago and she confirmed my body wasn't fit for having children. I can give you the full medical rundown but the simple answer is bad plumbing."

Bo's eyebrows wrinkled slightly as she returned to her seat across from Lauren slowly. "What? When? And why didn't you ever tell me?"

Lauren shrugged as she smiled and did her best to fight off the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes. "How could I Bo? Every time the topic of children came up you'd go on and on about how much you wanted a family and how you couldn't wait to have a family together. And it was a few years ago...right after we got engaged."

Bo shook her head. "No I mean if you told me I could have considered carrying the child Lauren. I didn't really care who gave birth as long as we had a child that was ours."

Lauren nodded and picked at an invisible piece of lint on her pants. "I know Bo. But I felt so...incomplete. I mean really, if this were a few years ago when you were getting the business up and running how would you have reacted then? Would you have just taken a step back to give birth to our child?"

Bo's face hardened as she replied in a cold tone. "I don't know but it was a decision we could have made together. It was a decision we should have made together Lauren. Instead you made it for us."

Lauren's features hardened in response as she stared at Bo. "I made a decision to keep searching for an alternative Bo. I made a decision to do everything in my power to give you what you wanted most in this world. Unfortunately that search took time and it was time you weren't willing to give us."

Bo slammed her hand on the table in frustration. "BULLSHIT Lauren. If you'd have told me about this from the beginning when you should have we could have searched together. We had resources Lauren. Unlimited resources. We could have figured something out. I don't understand why you don't trust me with things like this."

Lauren snarled slightly as she looked at Bo with annoyance. "What would you have done Bo? Given me more of your blood money? No, I was better off researching on my own instead of taking that money that would come back to haunt me one day."

Bo looked at her with disbelief. "First of all, that was not blood money that I put into the foundation, that was my money. For your research. For our child."

Lauren scowled and looked at her in frustration. "And that research was successful Bo. But you weren't around when I needed you as usual."

Bo sat back in the cold metal chair in her own fit of frustration. "Lauren...get over it. Lest you forget there was more than one occasion when I would be at home waiting for you while you were at the hospital only to find out you weren't coming home. You blame my absence for withholding something that could have changed our lives but yet you are guilty of the exact same thing. So to that I say get over it. That is behind us. In the past."

Lauren shook her head as the annoyance took over her slightly. "You don't think that was a huge sign that maybe we weren't ready to have kids Bo? Both of us had ridiculous schedules and there was no consistency to what we were doing. How were we to bring a child into this world?"

Bo looked at her with a blank stare as she felt a huge wave of sadness wash over her. "The fact that you don't think sacrifices would have been made and we would have figured it out tells me how much faith you had in our relationship Lauren. You know good and well that I could have cut my hours practically in half to take care of the child and I'm sure you could have too once you hired that young kid to manage the foundation in your absence. We were ready Lauren. And for you to sit there and tell me you made all of these decisions in our best interest and that you didn't think we were stable enough to have a family is mind boggling."

Lauren bit her tongue slightly as she looked at Bo carefully. She knew the brunette was right and she was kind of kicking herself for not bringing this to Bo sooner. It was just, it was...hard. This was everything Bo had ever wanted and Lauren just never figured out how to tell her that maybe she wouldn't get it. Lauren didn't know how to handle letting down the one person who was her whole existence. After all, how do you tell the one person who means the world to you that you are crushing their dreams because you literally cannot make it happen?

"I think at the end of the day it's better this way."

Bo looked at her with disbelief and anger on her face. "Are you fucking kidding me right now Lauren? How is this better?"

Lauren remained silent and Bo's mouth dropped open slightly. "You think I would have had the affair anyway. Wow...I knew you were angry Lauren I just didn't think you'd given up on me totally."

The blonde just shrugged slightly. "Like I said Bo, maybe its better this way. Things were getting tough, we weren't having problems exactly but they were getting strained and you sought comfort elsewhere. That's a big indication to me of how things would have been had we had a child so yeah, maybe it's better."

Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt Bo sat there quietly contemplating everything that been said in the last few minutes along with Lauren's last comment about things being better this way. Sure, they didn't have the easiest of relationships but what they lacked in ease they made up for in strength. One thing that Bo had always believed in was that no matter what was going on around them that they were in it together. Hectic schedules, suffocating work loads, whatever else life threw at them. It didn't matter because for them they were in it together and had each other to depend on.

Or so she thought.

It now seemed that the trust and connection that Bo had believed in was destroyed by both her own doing as well as Lauren's apparent reluctance to be totally honest with her. Yes, she cheated. Yes, she was unfaithful. And yes, she was the one to blame in the moment. But looking back, is that better or worse than all the years Lauren held back something so significant from her? Lauren, her wife, her best friend, her person couldn't turn to her when she should have and included her in something that would have altered their relationship significantly. No. Instead she chose to handle it on her own and keep Bo in the dark to spare her feelings. Where Bo should have been included she was held at arms length, much like she was the entire relationship, and expected to deal with the information in past tense.

Well fuck that.

Bo stood up angrily and shook her head in disgust. "Fuck you Lauren. Fuck you for your self righteous attitude now and all these years and fuck you for thinking so little of me. I've done nothing but spend the last ten years by your side as you built your dreams and I thought we were building our future together in the process but apparently I was wrong about that. So yeah, maybe you're right...better how things turned out because I'd hate to spend the rest of my life wondering when the other shoe would drop and you'd make another big decision without me knowing."

As she walked off again she heard Lauren's sigh but this time she didn't stop and look back. Bo needed a few minutes and she needed them alone so she could clear her head and think a little bit. Wandering down the pathway Bo could remember the first time they'd stumbled upon this business plaza that was tucked away in the shadows of some of the large engineering firms that lined the main cross streets.

At first she'd been a little hesitant knowing that Lauren would be spending hours and hours at this place and she wasn't sure how safe it was at night given the industrial surroundings. But, like everything else once Lauren had seen it and decided she wanted it she pressed ahead not waiting to talk it through or consider the decision as a whole. When Bo had found out Lauren was already making arrangements to have her equipment moved into the space she threw a minor fit about the whole thing. Looking back Bo should have realized this was Lauren's MO and it shouldn't really be a surprise that the doctor would hold back on things that would affect them both if she thought she had a handle on it.

For all the things Lauren was that made her good at her job they seemed to be the same things that sometimes put a strain on their relationship. Like this for example. Bo knew all the clinical reasons Lauren would use to justify why she withheld this information from her. But no matter what the doctor said they were all bullshit. She wasn't some random family member of a terminally ill patient who was being spared the gruesome details of why her loved one was dying. No, she was her wife. Her number one. The person who is supposed to be there and get through shit like this with her. But just like back then Lauren made the decision she wanted without giving her the opportunity to provide input and Bo was furious about it. More so than when she'd decided to go ahead with the space for the foundation...this was so much bigger and not to mention important for both of them.

Them.

It was a funny concept for Bo to think about at this point. So much had happened recently that even thinking back on the simple times was a foreign concept to her. Bo started to wonder what else Lauren had kept from her all these years and why the blonde felt the need to always try and protect her when they could have been facing these things together.

Like their family.

Their child.

The one that they would never have.

Stopping to lean against a nearby planter a sudden rush of emotion seemed to take over the brunette in a way that she was not prepared for. In a matter of minutes it seemed as though her brain had fully absorbed what Lauren had finally told her and she just couldn't believe that it was true. Even with all the science and the one medicine and as brilliant as Lauren was it all didn't matter. God, or whoever controlled the universe was fucking with her now and she realized how quickly one statement from her partner humbled her in a way she'd never thought possible. For everything she'd done, for all that she could buy and all the power that she had because of her family and her business this was one thing that the she couldn't have. The saying money can't buy everything never made more sense to Bo than in this exact moment and she sighed as she realized the feeling that was slowly taking hold over everything else.

Sadness.

Grief.

Pain in knowing her wife, her partner of all these years was holding something this significant in and dealing with it on her own. She took a few moments and let herself ignore on everything going on around her and focus on the pain Lauren must have felt. The strong, confident, stubborn doctor never once gave any inkling of this being a problem so for her to finally break down and admit this must have been significant for the blonde.

Anger.

As quickly as the pain and grief had hit her they were quickly replaced with this emotion. She was angry at Lauren for not letting her support her when she'd found out she wasn't able to have a child. She was angry that the pair had found themselves in this situation and that the child she'd wanted so much was the divide that had drawn them apart. She was angry that she'd let her frustration with Lauren about this very subject be reason for countless fights and perhaps, to some degree, her allowing herself to be unfaithful. She was angry that the blonde would never get to mother a child, something she was born to do regardless if she realized it or not. Sure, most women have a maternal instinct that can surface when necessary but Bo knew Lauren was different. She could easily see the blonde with their child and it made her both sad and angry to realize that vision would only ever be in her head. She'd never have the opportunity to sit with the blonde as she taught their child about all of the things out there in this great big world.

"Bo?"

Snapping her head up the brunette saw Lauren standing a few feet away from her looking both nervous and annoyed at the same time. The tone of her voice carried that of indignation and for a second Bo was furious with Lauren for not giving her space. She started to open her mouth but Lauren put her hand up indicating to hold on for a second.

"I want to be clear Bo, I didn't tell you that just now for any kind of reaction from you. But, after all this time you were right, I owed you an explanation."

Bo looked at her incredulously as she seethed. "An explanation? A fucking explanation Lauren are you serious? That wasn't just some random piece of information you forgot to mention. It wasn't like you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning or you didn't buy milk this week. You decided not to tell me something major and I'm just wondering what other things you've withheld from me."

Lauren frowned and crossed her arms as she glared at Bo. "I didn't tell you because this was my issue Bo. My problem."

Bo huffed and looked at her with exasperation. "How is that your problem when it impacted us both Lauren? Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Lauren growled, literally, as she raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "And what would that have solved Bo? What? So you could feel sorry for me? So you could feel sad that we couldn't have a child?"

Bo sighed a little in resignation. "Lauren…"

The blonde shook her head and huffed. "No Bo. You don't get to do this now. You don't get to be sad and tell me how much of a difference it would have made because that's all bullshit. You would have done what you wanted to regardless."

Bo looked shocked. "Wait, you think the affair would have happened had I known about this? I mean honestly Lauren, do you think I would have done what I did if I knew you couldn't conceive a child? You know what, forget it. Doesn't matter anyway now does it? Like everything else you chose to keep that a secret so here we are because of that decision."

Lauren locked her glare on Bo sending off the coldest vibes possible. "If that is the only thing that would have deterred it then that is just sad."

The pair stared at each other not really knowing what to say to one another at this juncture. They'd had countless conversations over the years but none had quite the weight or impact that this one was shaping up to have.

"I think that we had our problems but that's irrelevant Lauren. I think this was something you should have told me as your wife." Turning away Bo did her best to take a deep breath and calm herself a little before she really exploded. Truth be told she was both happy and sad that she now knew the truth behind why Lauren had been so resistant to the idea of their family. It was almost easier when she didn't know because then Bo felt some justification in her anger towards the blonde. It's not quite payback for Lauren never telling her the truth but Bo knew there was some level of resentment deep down inside that tipped the scales in favor of her having the affair. But now, with this information, what is she to do with it? Either way she looks at it she's now the asshole through and through and that sparked a whole new level of fury within the brunette.

"You know what Lauren, now I kind of wish you'd never told me. After all this time, all of the shit that's happened, I hope you're happy in your decision to not tell me this YEARS ago when we could have dealt with it as a couple."

Lauren tensed her shoulders and stared at Bo with disbelief. "You're putting this on me?"

Bo shook her head and turned to walk back to where they'd been sitting earlier. "No. Not blaming you. But since we're being so honest here I hope you realize that decision ultimately lead to the destruction of this relationship. Your decision to keep something this important from me speaks volumes of what you think of me and my ability to be your partner in life. So much for the vows huh? Through thick and thin? Well I guess that only holds water when you feel it appropriate. I don't blame you Lauren...never have and never will. I fucked up and I know it. You are my wife, well you were my wife, and I would have stood by you through anything. So no, I don't blame you or put anything solely on you but you have responsibility in this and for that, fuck you."

Bo walked off leaving Lauren to stare at her retreating form in total shock. She hadn't ever intended on telling Bo what the issue was that she'd been holding a secret all these years because she'd known from day one that Bo couldn't handle that kind of information. Medicine and science aside, Bo would have seen it as some sort of deficiency or rationalization for drastic action. It was the major difference between the pair and by Bo's reaction just now Lauren felt somewhat comforted that she'd made the right decision. Yes, it was unfair to drop this on Bo now but with the way they were ending things Lauren felt the need for Bo to know the complete truth as to what was happening with her. It was the end of the line for them and as much as she didn't want to admit it, the brunette was right.

Sighing she slowly followed the path that Bo just took and returned to the area where they'd been sitting earlier. Her heart dropped when she spotted Kate sitting at the table looking confused and saddened. Lauren slowly made her way to the table and surprised herself as she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She thought she was done crying over this situation but perhaps the weight of the day was getting to her and the relief from finally telling Bo what happened was catching up to her.

"What happened Lauren?"

The blonde just wiped the edges of her eyes as she shook her head and laughed almost sarcastically. "I don't think today was as successful as you'd hoped."

Kate nodded and looked down at the folder in front of her. She sighed and slid it towards the blonde with a shake of her head. "I'm sorry Lauren. I thought things would have been different."

Lauren shrugged and opened the folder with the documents inside that would finalize the termination of their marriage. "it's okay Kate. But thank you for trying."

She took a pen out of her purse and sighed before signing her name on the line indicated and passing the documents back to Kate. That was the final act she would do as Bo's partner in life and suddenly Lauren felt a sense of panic run through her slightly as she was unsure if she'd done the right thing. She wasn't sure if that "right thing" had to do with signing the documents, telling Bo the truth about her situation or withholding that form the brunette for all these years. In any event it didn't matter and Lauren knew what was done is done. She walked back down the side of the building towards the parking lot where she'd left her car and did her best to keep her eyes focused and kept putting one foot in front of the other. Perhaps she wasn't ready for all of this but in the end, change is inevitable and for Lauren and Bo, this change was undoable.

Kate watched Lauren walk away and shook her head as she glanced down at the paperwork in front of her making sure she had what she needed to return home. She looked at both of the signatures, each appearing rushed and erratic which truly represented both the build up and the demise of this relationship. The more Kate thought about it the more she understood this outcome was destined for these two. Both strong women, both right and wrong in their choices and their decisions. Both not willing to bend to the other in the times when they needed to most.

Shaking her head Kate got into her car and sighed in the quiet of the small confined space. For all the talking the two had done over the past week one thing held true. Both never said they were sorry and both never said the other was forgiven. Perhaps this was the breaking point for the pair, after all being able to internalize your errors is one thing but being able to acknowledge them is another. It is the basis for which all great love stories are written and the ending for all tragedies of the soul. It is the concept that has changed lives and written history. Mea Culpa. And in the end, the only thing that matters when dealing emotion and more importantly, love.