A/N: Wrote myself in a corner with the previous version; shamelessly backpedaling out of it because life is easier that way. No harm done: this isn't a serious project, merely a writing itch that I am self-indulgently scratching while it lasts. First few paragraphs identical to the scraped version; a completely different turn of events later on. Unedited.

XXX

Welcome To The Fold

The Warden-Commander locks horns with Nathaniel Howe and loses which comes as a surprise to precisely no one.

XXX

The glances thrown his way did not feel pleasant, but Nathaniel had steeled himself for that well beforehand. They were merely curious - an unknown quantity walking into the Keep with the Wardens; most people here did not know his face. It was in that that most of the unpleasantness originated: he was a stranger in his own home.

It was still more pleasant than what he was about to do.

He didn't deny the growing unease tying a knot in his gut, the apprehension that grew as they neared the gates. Emotional part aside, practicality called his attention. It was a matter of time, minutes perhaps, before Varel would come out to greet them. He would recognize him on sight. Perhaps seeing him come in with the Commander - alive, well, and grumpy as ever - would make Varel hold his identity a secret. Perhaps not. He would certainly demand some explanations and Nathaniel was not in the mood to provide.

And there were others to consider, too: the guard captain would likely be there, maybe that boy guard from the cells, and who knows who else. They'd all demand answers on the spot and again, Nathaniel was not in the mood to provide.

He wanted to do what he had planned quickly then, before anyone had a chance to derail him. He forced himself to pick up his pace, noticing that he had fallen too far behind. He gave it an amused snort: his mind was set, but his feet were still voting against.

He reached the group just as they were about to pass beneath the arc, soldiers posted on both sides already crying out the greetings. Past Anders and onto the side unoccupied by Oghren, he fell into step beside the elf, for the first time noticing that the top of her head barely reached his own shoulder.

"A word with you?"

She looked at him sideways in askance and stopped.

"Go on," she nodded to Anders and Oghren and he waited until both obliged, tossing curious glances over their shoulders as they passed them by.

"You" he had said, because nothing else could roll off his tongue. She had been called "Hero" by many but being addressed so was stupid. Coming from him, it would be nothing but sarcastic. "Warden" was too generic as there were already two more present and "Arlessa" was out of the question. He had heard her last name once but had forgotten it since; he found himself oddly bemused that he had never learned her first.

"Commander" seemed to be what everyone took to calling her, but he couldn't get the title past his lips, not yet. He'd have to get over that soon. He wasn't sure he could.

"Well?"

He could feel himself from a week ago staring at his present self with incredulity.

"I wish to become a Grey Warden."

"WHAT?!"

Startled guards jumped to attention, hands dropping to their swords.

"Are you fucking nuts!?"

Nathaniel frowned, stiffening, taken aback by the reaction more than he was willing to let on. "Is my request that surprising?" It was, considering. He had expected surprise. Suspicion as well. Anger, likely as not, for it was a given. He had not counted on this much though, did not expect to be glared at with open hostility.

"No."

For a moment he tought it was an answer and then realized the negative growled through clenched teeth was a rejection. His own jaw clenched in response.

"So, you are refusing me?"

"Fuck yes!" she hissed and with a sharp turn started away.

It took Nathaniel a second to move, but he was quick and his strides longer than hers. It took him one and a half to intercept and block her path.

"No."

His voice dropped low, tone stern and final. He was asking to join an Order he had little love or respect for because it was the only thing he could do and still be able to look himself in the mirror again. Already wasting energy fighting his own disdain for the course of action the circumstances had forced him to take, he would not be snubbed by one brat's childish antics.

She moved to push past him or straight through him, either would do for her fine, but he wouldn't let her. He ignored the uncertain movements of the guards behind in favour of pressing his point home.

"You were sent here to rebuild, yet your Order stands decimated. You are only three-"

"Four," she interrupted. He ignored it. Justice did not count.

"-and an entire host of Darkspawn to stand against." If she was to be the Commander that everyone addressed, then she would have to start acting like one. "You are in no position to refuse..."

Her glare was pure daggers and his respect nonexistant. He crossed his arms and met her dagger for dagger, hers crackling with fury, his focused and icy.

"…Commander." He finally got the word past his tongue.

Her anger grew, becoming palpable; a rage demon could not posses her because there would not be enough room for both. It graduated to fury, went straight past livid and reached wrath in the span of a few hard breaths and no words coming out for there were too many and all wanting out at once.

Nathaniel's glare was hard but impassive. He would be seeing this a lot from now on, he suspected, and he had to trust himself not to react. He'd need to learn how to ignore and there was no time like the present to start.

He expected another challenge and he was prepared for it. Instead, her wrath peaked without exploding. "You have no idea what you're asking for."

The gate guards almost reached them and Nathaniel spared a glance their way, to gauge the distance and the possible reactions as much as to buy a second in which to decide how to respond. Armoured boots clanged on the cobblestones. Three steps… Two…

"Why don't you tell me, then?"

"Commander? Is everything all right?" The first guard eyed Nathaniel with suspicion, hand ready to draw. The second one kept half a step back and moving slightly on the side into a flanking position. Nathaniel tensed but knew better than to move. The elf seemed perfectly oblivious to the guards and their inquiries, her eyes never leaving Nathaniel's own.

"Commander?" the same guard asked again, suspicion giving way to puzzlement.

Only then did she notice his presence. "What?!" she snapped irritably.

"Is…" The man looked from her to Nathaniel and back, unsure what to make of things. "Is everything all right, Commander?"

"Peachy." The guard blinked. "Go. Away."

The guard was still uncertain, but his training prevailed. "I.. of course, Commander. My appologies." He nodded a salute and retreated, his companion following suit. The elf stared at them a moment longer, expression blank.

"They've no problem with me fighting horde of Darkspawn, but they'll jump to protect me from one man?" She shook her head in disbelief. "Where's the sense in that?"

She turned back to him and for a moment Nathaniel wondered if he was expected to provide an answer. He didn't have one, but it wouldn't have mattered even if he had for her next question sent him into a momentary mental stumble.

"Is this about staying in the Keep? Because if it is, go ahead and stay. You don't have to fucking kill yourself for it."

For a moment he was rendered speachless: he was standing in front of his father's murderer being given permission to enter his own home. That was… Maker, if it weren't so poignant it would have been ridiculous! It was surely downright bizarre. He laughed a bitter one:

"I can still get in and out of Vigil without your permission. Or knowledge for that matter."

"Well, if you're still hung up on trying to kill me I guess I'd find out eventually."

"No," he said flatly, "You wouldn't. But that's beside the point. Are we going to waste a whole day on pointless banter? If there is something I should know before joining the Order than say it. If there is a test one must pass, then tell me what it is and I'll do it. But let us be at it already."

He was aware of the noises of everyday goings on of the Keep around them. the guards may have returned to their posts, but everyone else was growing curious by now. They were beginning to draw a crowd - exactly the kind of attention Nathaniel was hoping to avoid. But all the elf was doing was stare at him with an expression Nathaniel couldn't quite decipher.

And sure enough, not a moment later Varel appeared on the Keep side of the gate, likely wondering what took the Commander so long to show up. And it didn't take him three full steps before he recognized the man the Commander was standing with.

"Howe!" He shouted in surprise, loud enough for everyone nearby to hear it. It immediatelly alerted the guards all over again and several people closest to them looked up in astonishment. Nathaniel wondered if the day could possibly get any worse.

The Senechal sped through the archway, anger clearly etched on his face. "I tought I told you to-"

A raised hand stopped him mid-track and mid-sentence, the elf finally acknowledging his presence though her eyes never left Nathaniel for a moment.

"Come with me," she said at length and Nathaniel almost breathed a sigh of relief, if not at being granted his request than surely at being able to move away from having suddenly been made the center of everything-but-welcome attention.

"Commander-" Varel protested as she pushed past him, Nathaniel right at her heel and not making eye contact with anyone, especially the Senechal.

"Later," she growled at him and pushed on, clearing the courtyad in brisk strides, ignoring the large heavy doors that led to the main hall, heading instead for the few stone steps and a small landing that led to the side entrance to the Keep.

Nathaniel remained close, ignoring the unwanted attention he had acquired and it wasn't until they reached the landing that it occurred to him that she hadn't, in fact, given him an actual answer yet.

XXX

"So, there is a test then?" he asked once they were inside and the thick door between him and all the glares that were burning holes in the back of his skull. The hallway was small, branching off in several directions not far off from where it opened to the courtyard, and dimly lit save for what light poured in from the few windows higher up on the wall.

"No." The elf paused in her tracks, though whether that had to do with his question or was she trying to decide which sorridor to take, Nathaniel couldn't say. "No, there isn't any test." She turned to face him and went on to answer his next qustion before he had a chance to ask. "And no, I have not said 'yes'."

He opened his mouth to protest but again, she cut him off.

"Look, Howe. I don't know what's going on in that head of yours and frankly, I don't really give a shit. I know you're not planning to kill me. I've had people go at me before and you're not even trying." She paused and considered. "For now, anyway. I'm good at turning target, even without the whole 'I killed your father' thing."

Huh. No arguments there.

"Either way... I like you well enough. You're quick with a blade, great with a bow and good to have in a pitch. Maker knows I could use someone like that around. If you can actually put up with me, that is. But you're asking to join the Wardens, so must be you already figured that you can, Waden or not. Now…" She took a breath and tried to decide how to proceed.

"I don't know what got into you all out of sudden, Howe. And I still don't give a shit. But whatever it is, trust me - it's not worth it. And I'm not letting you do it, not until you first hear exactly what it is that you are asking for."

Nathaniel had to admit he was surprised. This must have been the longest he had heard her speak without snapping, not even once, though her entire body language spoke of a tight string just waiting to go 'twang'. Surprisingly mature, too, considering all he had seen thus far had been nothing but childish petulance with a violent sreak to match. And, he had to admit, she did have a point in that he should know what it really means to be a Warden before definitely deciding to become one. She was dealing fairly with him, and much more than she had to at that, considering she was dealing with a man who had previously made no secret of his desire to end her life.

"Very well." He spied a servant pass nearby and motioned for them to find some place more private to speak. "Lead the way."

XXX

Turns out that wasn't the brightest idea he had that day. They meandered through for a while, passing through the hallways both busy and not, and every time he tought he had figured out the direction they were headed the elf turned un unexpected corner and led them away from the spot. It was when she tried for the unused broom closet after narrowly failing to lead them to the privy that Nathaniel stopped her.

"You have no idea where you're going, do you?"

She looked around. "Not a clue."

"Maker…"

Nathaniel sighed and took the lead, the elf trailing behind him and claiming it's easier to find a way through werewolf-infested ruins than any human-built keep. Nathaniel mostly ignored her though he did wonder vaguely what ruins could she be talking about.

Eventually, he led them to the servant wing no longer in use and after some probing of the doors lined up on either side of the dusty corridor found one that was unlocked. They opened into a small room adorned with more dust and cobwebs in the corners, a bed, a chair, small night table and a dirty window that nonetheless admited enough light for them to make their way in without having to stumble in the dark. It wasn't much, for their intended purpose, it was more than enough.

The elf commandeered the chair as Nathaniel locked the door behind them, leaving him to either stand or take the bed. He opted to stand rather than risk raising a dustcloud big enough to choke them both and disturb whatever multylegged lifeforms took residence in the bed in the process, even if the elf did suggest he might want to sit down for this.

"Suit yourself," she shrugged, straddled the chair more comfortably and leaned forward. "All right. Here's what becoming a Warden really means…"

And then she told him. Everything.

XXX

Nathaniel stood in silence, as he had been for a while now, still processing everything that he had just heard. There wasn't a lot to be said, but it sure was a lot to take in. The elf stayed silent too, after having said all she had to say and left him to digest things at his own pace. Maker alone knew he needed that right now.

The Darkspawn, the blood, the Taint… Now he understood why the Wardens kept most of of those things a tightly guarded secret. Few would consider joining the Order if they knew all that beforehand, and the Joining itself was clearly a blood magic ritual. The Chantry, for one, would not look kindly on that, and while it couldn't exactly demand the Order disbanded, for they were clearly needed, it would in all likeness demand it be put under the Chantry's direct supervision. And the Order would not be able to function under such restraints, even if it did get enough recruits. Which it surely wouldn't if the facts surroudning the Joining and its consequences were to become widely known.

And now he also understood why the elf was so insistent on refusing to allow him to Join before he had all the facts and why she was trying to disuade him from it in the first place. He wondered briefly if she were perhaps making things up, or at least exaggerating the worst parts of it but the bitterness with which she had spoken had been nothing if not sincere.

He stole a glance at her from where he was standing, leaning back against the windowsill, and found he was watching her in a new light. Still not a favorable one, for she was still the same reckless bundle of violence and anger that she was half an hour ago, but now he understood where at least a part of that behaviour was coming from. And whatever else she was - his father's murderer still being the most prominent one - she nonetheless wasn't ready to allow him to commit suicide without first being made aware that that was what he would be doing, even if it meant revealing the secrets of her Order to an outsider who could just as easily walk away and reveal them to the world at large. Not that she appeared at all devoted or loyal to the Wardens to begin with, mind. Nathaniel could not fault the harsh logic that guided the Order's decision to keep this a secret but neither could he deny understanding the need to rebel against it and a small does of respect settled in where there was previously none.

Still... Things were what they were and no amount of ruminating would change them. He needed to focus on the practical aspects of the whole thing and then re-examine his decision based on those. He fell back into his toughts and only the slight rustling of Maker-knows-what under the bed occasionally interrupted the silence before he finally broke it himself.

"So, you are telling me that is it: a death sentence, one way or the other, and in return the ability to fight the Darkspawn more freely because you cannot get Tainted twice?" He shook his head, perplexed. "Surely, there must be something more to it than just that."

The elf looked up. "Well… only a Grey Warden can kill an Archdemon dead. But you're a bit late for that particular party." She tilted her head, considering the point further. "And it wasn't that great a party either. You can trust me on that."

Nathaniel let out a breath. "And that is all?"

"Pretty much, yes." He didn't seem entirely convinced though, so after a while she expanded on the answer:

"There… are certain things you could consider benefits, but compared to the price?" She shook her head. "Not worth it."

"I would still hear them."

She sighed. "Very well. But keep in mind, half of it is just me making best guesses. You get better at seeing in the dark, that much I noticed. And… " She looked like she was about to say something else but changed her mind halfway through. "Look. There is still much about the Taint that we don't know, all right? And I don't mean just me, I mean Wardens in general. And if some of them do know more, well… Either they're keeping it close to the chest or they're just doing guesswork, same as me."

"Then tell me what you think you know."

She ran a hand through her hair, trying to figure out how to begin. "The Darkspawn don't eat or drink. The Taint sustains them. Now I'm not sure if this is just me or is it like that for everyone, but over time I found I can… Well, tax myself more than I should really be able to. You know? A bit more endurant where I should just lose strenght and collapse? Or, I dunno, go on without sleep for longer. Or food. Sometimes be more… focused and such. But I've been on the roads non-stop for over a year and most of it was fighting so it could be I just got more used to it regardless of the Taint," she finished with a shrug. "I'm telling you Nathaniel - It's just not worth it."

"I see." His next words came as a complete surprise, as he knew they would. But he had made up his mind already. "I still wish to try."

"What?!" She nearly jumped off the chair. "Why? I mean how can you-"

"Wait," he stopped her before a torrent of words could come pouring out of her mouth. She already went from calm to bristling in a span of a second and he needed to get his point across before she surrounded herself with walls of anger again.

"Listen to me. You have told me the facts and I… am grateful for that. I truly am. But my reasons haven't changed even if the stakes turned out to be higher than I had originally assumed."

Bristle, bristle, twitch. He had to both hurry and be careful if he wanted to get through.

"My… reasons are my own." He still wasn't ready to share his most private toughts with anyone just yet though, least alone her. "But you said yourself that you don't care for them anyway, so it shouldn't matter what they are."

He pushed away from the window and looked her in the eye. "I have made my decision," he said quietly. "You gave me a chance to make an informed one. I am not disregarding everything you told me, I just…" He stopped, uncertain what to say next, or how. "This means enough to me, enough to still want to try. You may think that nothing is worth that sacrifise but allow others to feel otherwise, whether you agree with them or not. I…"

He never intended to plead, but the look of disbelief and anger on her face was almost painful to observe and Nathaniel dropped his guard.

"Please. I want this, and you are the only one here who can give me that chance. So please - Let me try."

/

She still couldn't believe what she was hearing and Maker damn her (as if he already hadn't) if she had any idea what to do right then and there. What would Morrigan say? She could practically hear her voice in the back of her skull. "Well, let him. If the fool truly wants to try, why would you object? If he survives you will gain a fine warrior to fight at your side. And if he doesn't, his life was his to waste. So let him."

She shook her head and stood up. "You are a fool, Howe. And probably a dead one, too. But… If you want to kill yourself in a most horrible way you can think of, who am I to stand in your way?"

A ghost of a smile touched his lips. "Thank you."

She moved to the door and unlocked it. "Come on. Let's find Varel and have him prepare the Joining."

Nathaniel blinked. "He knows ?"

"And fuck me if I know why," she said, heading out into the hallway. "Now come get us out of here 'cause I still have no idea where I am. And let's get this over with already; you are likely dead before nightfall but I won't be, and I want to make it in time for dinner."

XXX

He came to on the cold stone floor of the Joining chamber just long enough to hear a quiet: "You are such a damn fool, Howe."

He managed a faint grin before he drifted off again.

"But at least I'm alive to hear it."