"CHRISTMAS"

I feel like a liar, having kept this to myself for almost a month, but I needed to read it first. I needed to try and find out what made Marcus become the awful person he is, but most of all, I needed to know that she was as good as Tobias' memories. I could never take those away from him.

I put the numbered tab on the last page I want him to read —the one where his mother writes how proud she is and how much she loves him— and close the journal. I set it in the box and wrap it up tight, placing a giant bow on it before sticking it underneath the tiny tree Christina and I have in our room. Christmas is still a few days away, but we're having our 'family' Christmas later today. I won't give this to him then, though. This is something for just the two of us.

"Ready?" Christina asks as she places her gifts for everyone in a bag.
"Yep," I say, holding up my own bag.
"What about this one? It's for…it doesn't say?" She flips the present over, looking for a tag.
"That one is staying."
"Oh? A little something for your man?" She winks and me and I just roll my eyes.

"Yay more presents!" Uriah yells out when Will, Christina and I walk in. Nobody has a big enough place for all of us to fit comfortably, so we're all meeting at Hana's. Zeke and Uriah's mom has always been the unofficial mom of the group. She's kept an eye on Tobias over the years too, and I'm thankful for that. The more people he has in his life to love him, the better.
"Get your paws off!" Christina yells as she slinks by a grabby Uriah. I laugh as I slink by too.

I turn around just in time to see Tobias walk in, and smile. His hands are also full of gifts, and Uriah manages to snatch the biggest one and run off with it.
"Aww man! It's for Zeke! What a rip-off." Tobias drops his gifts in a messy pile and stalks after Uriah, snatching the present back.

"If you don't want me to return your shit, keep your hands off." Uriah's mouth hangs open and Tobias winks at me when he turns around. I smile at Uriah who gets an elbow to the ribs from his brother.
"You're kinda scary when you do that," I whisper in his ear when he hugs me. He just winks at me again when he pulls away.

We have a simple spaghetti dinner together, everyone sharing stories and memories from times before I knew the gang; Christina and I do the same for them. I smile as everyone's pasts are slowly filled in. I feel like everything's falling into place and I can see what drew everyone to each other the more we talk. I watch Tobias as he talks and laughs — it's the simple times like these that make me wonder if fate is a real thing. I almost didn't go on that cruise. I almost didn't meet all these wonderful people. If fate is indeed real, then fate had very specific plans for me.

We gather around the tree afterwards, and agree that everyone should get a chance to play Santa. Will goes first, doling out everyone's presents from him.

You would think we were a bunch of five year olds.

Paper, bows, ribbon— all of it flying as we tear into our gifts. Christina squeals at the pair of boots she got, while Zeke gives Will a high-five for the gift card so he can download some more music. I got a small bottle of perfume I like, and I look at Christina, mouthing her a "Thank you".

Zeke goes next, follow by Uriah, Marlene, Shauna, and Christina. Then it's my turn, because Tobias insists he goes last.

I crawl through the paper disaster that used to be a living room, and hand out my gifts. On the count of three, they rip into them, and I smile as each one of my friends thanks me for their gifts. It will always be difficult, but seeing everyone's smiling faces and feeling the love they have for one another spreading throughout the room, I don't feel guilty celebrating the holidays without my parents. I have a new family now. A much larger one, and I love them all.

Tobias hands out his gifts, and I'm excited to see what mine is. He counts to three, and we tear into them. I open the box and pull out the cute fuzzy Ugg purse I mentioned I liked when we wandered the mall a couple of weeks ago.

"Four," I say. "You shouldn't have." He really shouldn't have. I know how much this thing cost, and I feel like a jerk for only getting him a nice shirt and a certificate to take his car in to get detailed. He simply waves his hand at me and turns his attention to Zeke, who is staring at his gift, mouth open.

"Dude," he says. "I can't believe you found this. I mean…how?"
"It was easy actually. I just had to convince the seller to not bend me over on the price."
"What is it?" Uriah asks, craning his neck to see. Zeke reaches in the box and pulls out what looks like a toy. Something from…Star Wars? I look over at Tobias who has a grin plastered on his face.

"I don't get it," Marlene says. "So clue the rest of us in please."
"When we were kids," Tobias starts, "Zeke had one of those, and we were playing Star Wars. I was a storm trooper, and he was—"
"Boba Fett," Zeke interrupts. "And he didn't mean to, but Four broke it, and I was crushed. By then it was already a vintage toy, and you couldn't find it without people asking a fortune for it. My mom couldn't afford to replace it, and Marcus…"

Marcus would never pay for something as trivial as a toy.

"This is too much, man. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Tobias says. "You've been there for me, throughout everything. I just wanted to let you know how grateful I was for all of it. Plus, I figured it was time I finally paid you back for that." He wraps an arm around me, and I watch as he and Zeke share a look and a nod.

"Okay, enough sappy shit. Let's clean up before mom comes home and beats all our asses for messing up her living room," Uriah says with a grin.
"Oh, no. I have a tummy ache," Zeke says, rubbing his stomach and making a pouty face. We all immediately catch on and start laying down, moaning and complaining about how we can't help.
"Very funny. Now get up you jerks," Uriah says, grinning ear to ear.

"I have something else for you," Tobias whispers as we clean.
"Oh? Well, don't think you're gonna out-do me, because I have something else for you too," I say, smiling.
"It's probably just his dick with a bow on it," Zeke whispers from the other side of me, and I let out a loud laugh.

"Merry Christmas!" Christina sings from her bed. "Get up! I have something to share with you!"
"Chris," I say, cracking an eye. "Santa better have come if you're waking me up."
"Oh, this is better than Santa." She jumps onto my bed and pulls me into a bone-crushing hug.
"Chris," I wheeze out.
"Sorry! I'm just so excited!" She pulls my comforter down and snuggles up next to me.

"Okay, so you know how Will and I went out to dinner last night?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"Well, he was acting all nervous, right? So I was nervous, thinking he was gonna break up with me or something, which would have been a really shitty thing to do on Christmas Eve. Anyways, he wouldn't really talk, or even look at me, and I was almost in tears at one point and had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and try to keep it together—"
"Chris. Rambling."
"Oh, sorry. Anyways, when I came back, he shoved a box at me, and well…" She holds out her hand, and wiggles a finger. Her ring finger.

"Holy shit!" I say, cupping my hand over my mouth. I sit up and take her hand, eyeing the cute infinity ring. "Chris! You guys barely know each other!"
"I know that! It's not an engagement ring, it's a promise ring. It was actually really sweet. He told me that with his schooling about to ramp up, he wasn't going to be around as much as he is now, and he wanted me to have something to remember how much he cares about me. It was his promise to always be there, you know, if he couldn't actually be there."

"Aww," I say. "Who's the cheesy boyfriend now?"
"Oh, ha ha. But you're right. It was cheesy, but sweet."
"I think that's pretty much the best way."

I lay back down with Christina. We giggle at the fact that she has a ring from a boy, and she wraps her arms around me, snuggling in tight.

"Merry Christmas, Tris."
"Merry Christmas, Chris."

We stay there, dozing, until we decide to run to the cafeteria to get some lunch.

Tobias is picking me up at five and taking me back to his place. He had to visit with Marcus and have Christmas morning like a dutiful child, and I'm worried he's going to come back with another black eye— the one from Thanksgiving hasn't been gone that long. But I wasn't there this time, so there was hopefully nothing to provoke Marcus.

I stare at Tobias' gift. I've read the whole thing, and I still can't begin to figure out what it was that prompted the shift in Marcus. He seemed very much in love with Evelyn, and she him. I guess that's what happens when you have only one side of the story. Maybe one day I'll ask Marcus and see what his answer is.

I'm sitting on my bed, waiting and twirling my chapstick when there's a knock at the door.

"Hey," I say, kissing Tobias on the cheek. Relief floods me when I see his face is unscathed.
"Ready?" I nod, grabbing his gift and my jacket and my new bag.

We're silent for most of the trip. Tobias stares at the road, concentrating on more than just it. Or at least that's how it feels. I've opened my mouth to ask what he's thinking about a couple of times, but ultimately decided it was best to not ask. Instead I hum along to the radio and watch the scenery as it goes by.

I've only been to his place a few times, but it feels comfortable. Cozy. It's a nice apartment a few miles away from his campus. It's on the higher end of things, since Marcus pays for it, but it's nothing like that mansion he grew up in. Thank god.

I sit on the couch, and Tobias plops down next to me. He looks at me for just a minute, again like he has something on his mind, before leaning in and wrapping his arms around me.

"You okay?" I ask, squeezing back tightly.
"I am now." I hate when his answers are vague like this. It means something happened.

"What is it?"
"Umm…it's election year, you know, next year," he says, pulling back from me. "Which means I have to play good son and wonderful student and attend bullshit fundraising events."
"Okaay."
"I just wanted you to know. I hate being paraded around like some perfect shining example of how great my father is. More than anything. It's just constant 'Yes Sir's' and 'Isn't my father the most wonderful man in the world? You should vote for him' and 'Of course he's the perfect candidate for you'. I just…I hate it." He hangs his head, and I reach out, lifting his face to mine.

"So don't do it."
"I wish it was that easy, Tris." I wish it was too.

We eat the leftovers from brunch Tobias brought home and cuddle on the couch for a while, watching cute christmas cartoons like The Grinch and Charlie Brown. When Tobias finally speaks up, I can't help but laugh. "Can we do presents?"
"Yes. We can do presents." He lights up like little kid. It's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen.

"No arguing. You're opening mine first," he says, placing a small box in front of me. My heart races for just a second. This box is approximately the size of a ring box, and Will got Christina a ring… I shake my head and smile, trying to not look nervous as Tobias stares at me.

I pull the ribbon and paper off calmly and open the tiny box. Inside is a…key? I pick it up and look it over. It isn't even cut. I look up at Tobias, who seems to have developed a blush.

"I…umm. Well you see…"
"Tobias," I say, grinning now, "You don't need to be nervous."
"I know I don't," he says, shooting me a quick look before softening his face. "It's just a big deal, okay?"
"Okay."

A million things are racing through my mind. I mean, a key…to his heart? That's sweet and all, but probably too far on the the cheese scale, even for Tobias. It could be a key to his house, which is a sweet gesture, but it's not even cut and I hardly come over here anyways. Besides, he has to pick me up to do it, so I wouldn't even need a key. I turn it over one last time, and raise an eyebrow at him.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking," he says, "And I need to get away from my father. It's been far too long that I've lived under him, taking his shit. It's time to move on. I have some money saved —not enough yet, but close— and I was thinking that when the time was right, maybe you and I could, you know, find a house. Together." He looks around the room, biting the inside of his cheek before finally looking at me.

I feel my face break out into the widest grin it has probably ever had. "I think I would like that." Now it's his turn to smile. He leans forward, wrapping his arms around me tightly.
"I love you," he whispers into my hair, and that warm feeling runs all throughout me.
"I love you too."

I kiss him, putting everything I feel into it; running my hands through his hair, down his back, under his shirt. I feel him shiver and I do it again, smiling against his mouth as he starts to lift up my shirt.

"Nuh, uh. You still have to open my present."
"I thought you were the present," he says, kissing me again.

Something about our kiss has changed, almost for the better. It's just as passionate as it always is, but it doesn't feel as desperate; it's nothing but pure love. I pull him even further into me, realizing we just made a different kind of promise to each other; a promise to have a future, together. My heart races at the idea. And maybe because he's slowly unbuttoning my pants.

We lie in a heap together on the couch afterwards, breathing heavy, bodies sticky with sweat. Tobias runs his hand along my arm, sending a wave of goosebumps out over me. I look up into his eyes, and I know without a doubt that this is right. If Tobias asked me to marry him right now, I would say yes. I feel myself blush at the thought, and Tobias smiles.

"No need to get bashful on me now. I don't know how you can, after that. How many orgasms was that?"
"Jesus!" I say, slapping his arm. "No need to stroke your own ego. It's just us here. You can brag to Zeke later." He laughs and so do I.
"Maybe I will."
"Tobias, you better not." He just grins at me and pulls my underwear out from behind his head.

We take a quick shower together and cuddle back up on the couch, my present in his lap. He shakes it, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he tries to guess what it is.

"I can pretty much guarantee you're not going to figure it out," I say. "Just open it." He gives it one last shake and sticks his tongue out at me before tearing into the paper. I hold my breath, hoping this wasn't a mistake. This has been a fantastic day and I don't want to ruin it.

He takes the lid off and stares into the box for a minute before taking the journal out. It's obvious it's not new, with all my colored tabs sticking out of it and the worn leather, but he doesn't open it. Instead I see the confusion on his face replaced with recognition when he seen the Little Women cover I had placed underneath it. He never asked about it, so I knew he forgot.

"Tris," he whispers.
"Tab one is right in front," I say nervously. His eyes flick up to mine quickly before looking back down. He opens the journal where tab one is —where his mothers name is written in neat penmanship— and inhales sharply.

"How did you? I mean…this was there? The whole time?"
"Mmm-hmm. I didn't mean to find it. Obviously. But I knew it was too important to leave behind once I saw what it was." He smiles as he looks down, running a soft finger over his mothers name.

"I'm sorry that I read it first. But I just didn't want…I mean…I needed to know if it was going to hurt you or not."
"Is it?" he asks quietly.
"Some of it," I answer honestly. "But I still think it's worth reading. If you don't want to read it all now, I understand. But there's a special tab —the gold one— that I would at least like you to read."
"No," he says, shaking his head. "You went through all this trouble."

He fingers the tabs until he sees the one with a 2 on it, and flips to it; it's the first time she met Marcus. Tobias' face is unreadable as he looks it over. He must read it four or five times, because he spends a long time on that page before finding the next tab.

I had arranged it so that when it came time to start revealing the harder stuff, he could go back and read a good memory to help break it up. I'm sure he'll read it in order one day, but this seemed like the best way to break everything to him. It was hard enough for me to read it in order, and I'm not her child.

He flips through the tabs but I can't see his face; he situated himself so he's looking straight down into his lap. Close to ten minutes pass before I see him reach up, and wipe an eye. I know he's hit the harder parts when he finally closes the journal.

"Maybe I'll save the rest for later," he says quietly.
"Okay," I say. "But can you read just one more? The gold one?"
"I don't know," he says. "It's kind of a lot to take in."

I feel a little regret, doing this now. Christmas is supposed to be full of love and good memories and presents. Promises of moving in together, even. Not first-hand accounts of how your father beat your mother. God, I'm such an insensitive jerk. I put my head in my hands, and am surprised to feel a nudge. I look up and see Tobias, eyes glossy, holding the journal out.

"Want to read it to me?" I nod and take it, trying to not let the sight of him break my heart. He situates himself so his head is in my lap, and closes his eyes. "Fourteen."
I find the tab that has the number fourteen on it, and start reading.

Going to an amusement park with Marcus and friends. A black eye because dinner turned out horrible and they had guests. Finding out about her first pregnancy. Losing her first pregnancy. Vowing to make a committed effort to love one another better. A night spent out drinking and possibly cheating. A second pregnancy. A second loss. This continues on until I reach it— the entry that makes everything worth it. Tobias hasn't moved or cried or made a single facial expression. He opens his eyes when he realizes I've stopped.

"This is the one," I say.
"The golden ticket?"
"Mmm-hmm." I clear my throat and he closes his eyes again.

"March 8th, 1992," I start and Tobias' eyes fly open. "I can't believe I'm a mom! I never thought I would see this day. I've wanted this more than anything. This little boy, my sweet, sweet Tobias, he's my everything. He is my savior." I put a hand on his chest; it's moving up and down fast, his heart beating even quicker. He puts a hand over mine and squeezes it hard.

"I never thought it was possible to love someone so much. His chubby little toes, his bald little head, those deep blue eyes. They all remind me of Marcus, but that's okay. I know he will never be like his father. I won't let him. If I have to flee to the ends of the earth to protect him, I will. I am going to do whatever it takes to show him he was worth it. My brave little boy. My fighter. My lucky number four." My voices falters on the last word, and he squeezes my hand again.

His eyes are wide and glossy, but I'm the one who starts crying. Tobias is everything to me, and he was everything to his mother. Life is so unfair, and I hate that he doesn't have her. I hate that he was stuck with a father who resents him, a father who never wanted him in the first place. He sits up quickly and wraps his arms around me again, and I hold him back as tight as I possibly can. I am never letting him go.

"Tris," he whispers, squeezing tighter. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."

A/N:

SONGS: Christina Aguilera - Hurt
Ed Sheeran - Make it Rain