As always, any mistakes are my own, but the characters are not
"I never meant to get us in this deep
I never meant for this to mean a thing."
The One That Got Away - The Civil Wars
Marie found Lexa an hour later, when the celebrations had ended and the village had gone to sleep. She recognised the slump in her shoulders and the empty look in her eyes, and gently unfolded the girl's crossed arms and wrapped her up in a tight hug. Lexa clung to her, silent tears falling onto the fabric of the woman's clothes.
"I should go after her," said Lexa absently into Marie's shoulder, but they both knew that wasn't going to happen.
"If you do that, child, she will never forgive you, and you will never forgive yourself," replied Marie.
Taking a deep breath, Lexa stood back and wiped at her eyes. "She won't forgive me anyway."
"Perhaps not, but she is alive and so are your people. What's done is done," stated the woman, rubbing her thumb softly across Lexa's face and watching the girl with concern. "Victory stands on the back of sacrifice." Lexa nodded, setting her shoulders and standing straighter. "You're in pain - I have some herbal remedies for your back. Come on, we'll go and get them."
They walked quietly through the roads of the sleeping village and into Marie's home without another word. Inside, Lexa sat on a chair and stared at her feet as Marie shifted through boxes. When she found the herbs she turned to Lexa.
The girl turned, lifting her shirt and allowing Marie to press the cream against the cut and the bruises that lined her spine, wincing at the gentle touch. "I think your ribs might be broken," the women admitted. Lexa could only nod, she had expected no less. Sighing, the woman readjusted Lexa's shirt and stepped back, wiping her hands on a piece of fabric she found on the table which sat in the corner of the room.
"I'm sorry," offered Lexa into the silence.
"I know," replied Marie.
"I would have come back,"
"I know," said Marie as she set the cloth back down. "We have missed you, Lexa."
Lexa nodded, accepting the underlying tone of scolding in the woman's voice. If Clarke had been there, she wouldn't have recognised the woman. Showing Clarke around the village, Marie had been almost cheerful, but in the privacy of her home with the girl she hadn't seen in almost ten years, the woman was slightly angry.
"The Ice Nation took Costia," Lexa admitted quietly.
"I know," said Marie softly. A messenger had told her of the Ice Nation's attack. "Her family stayed for the ceremony and I didn't stop them as they left. I don't know where they went to."
Lexa found herself staring at anything but Marie, totally unable to meet the woman's eyes. She wasn't over Costia, not by a long shot, and she knew that some part of her wouldn't ever truly be. The selfish side of Lexa had held onto that pain, and kept it deep within her until she had almost forgotten that she wasn't the only one to feel Costia's death. She bit her lip.
Marie moved towards the girl, knelt on the ground before her, and placed a hand on the girl's knee, forcing Lexa to look at her. "Look at you," she joked, "making an old women kneel on the ground. What a terrible Commander!"
Lexa gave a small smile at the woman's words, and placed her own hand over Marie's.
"I never chose this life for you Lexa, but this life chose you and you have to live with it." The woman was serious now. "And you're not," she continued, "going to live very long if you keep shutting everybody who could ever love you out."
"I never shut Clarke out," replied the girl. "I meant to."
"If the next words to leave your mouth are 'I should have', you can leave this village right away," said Marie lightly. Lexa knew the threat was empty, but recognised the warning tone of the woman's voice.
"Loving Costia had her stolen from me. I only wanted Clarke to be safe from our enemies."
"And then you became the enemy," Marie observed. Lexa nodded. "Regardless, her being here would do no good."
"I could have changed her mind."
"Lexa, the only one able to change her mind is her, and she was never yours to command. Why do you think she left her people in the first place? I doubt they didn't try to convince her to stay."
The girl shrugged; she had wanted to ask, of course she had¸ but it had never been her place to.
"You made a decision that any Commander would to win your people back, but there are no rules in the battles of the heart and the head. You of all people should know that."
"I don't want to know that," whispered Lexa sadly.
"But you do, child, and that's why you're still alive." Marie moved away from the girl, rubbing her shoulder as she stood up. "I assume you'll be leaving for Polis in the morning?"
"At first light," said Lexa, standing up herself.
Marie sighed, noticing the shadows that were beginning to fade as a whisper of light broke through the frame of the hut's door – the sun was fast approaching. "I shall get you and your guards a horse ready each."
Lexa pulled the woman into another tight hug. "Thank you," she said softly into the woman's greying hair.
"Just stay safe, child." Marie replied with an easy smile. Then she left to go to the stables and Lexa left to catch some sleep.
The journey to Polis took two days by horse, and by the time Lexa had arrived her body was screaming in pain. So she threw herself into the city, meeting dignitaries and attending parties and events as often as she hosted them. To distract from the pain, she often tried to convince herself. She wasn't entirely lying, but the pain wasn't from her back. Some days she let another's kiss distract her, other days she hunted until her hands were raw from throwing spears and spinning knives. Soon the bruise in her back disappeared, the ache in her ribs faded, and the cut healed to nothing but a faint scar. She could deal with scars, they were nothing new.
The days were long, but as the Commander, Lexa found they were easily filled. The nights, on the other hand, seemed to stretch into an everlasting expanse of everything she would rather avoid. She had visitors to her bed, but they knew to leave quickly, and Lexa would wake to an empty bed with a sour mood. Despite the emptiness of the mornings, Lexa preferred these to the emptiness of the nights when she was alone, and left to her own thoughts. It was then where she thought of the Sky Princess, with her sad blue eyes that carved into her mind as sharp as any knife into her body had. As each day passed with no news, the Commander threw herself into training with the warriors and let the business of her city distract her from, well, everything. It was all she had ever known to do.
Two months after returning to Polis, and drunk on the gifts of another clan's visits, Lexa found herself bringing another woman to her bed. The woman was pretty, but Lexa didn't care for that, she cared for the distraction. So she kissed the woman's neck in a non-committed way, and pushed her onto the bed. She looked away as the woman undressed, instead choosing to pour them each a glass of water and taking a long sip from her own. Putting the glass down, she moved back to the bed.
"Heda!" came the panicked shout of her guard from outside of the room, and with a sigh she pushed herself off of the woman.
Suddenly, a figure burst through the door, and Lexa, still dressed, drew the dagger from the belt she always wore. In the darkness of the room she lunged for the intruder but quickly found herself backed against the wall of the room.
"You may be my Commander," growled the figure, pressing the dagger into the skin of the girl's neck, "but don't make the mistake of thinking you would beat me in a battle."
Lexa recognised the voice. "Indra, you wish to challenge me?"
"No Heda, I wish to inform you." Said the warrior, releasing her Commander and handing the dagger back. Lexa rolled her head on her neck, stretching. "And I advise that you dismiss your friend before I tell you the news."
The woman, to her credit, dismissed herself quietly as Lexa stood staring at Indra. "Gustus was killed for his actions, and yet you make me question your loyalty," warned the Commander coldly.
"You have heard all I had to say about our withdrawal from Mount Weather," said Indra, holding the Commander's icy glare. "My loyalty has not changed."
"Then why…" began Lexa, "…do I find you interrupting my night?"
Indra glanced to the bed and raised her eyebrows, then returned her attention to the Commander. "I have travelled for five days straight. In spite of what your guards think, this news could not wait until the morning, Heda."
Lexa stared at her warrior, neck still sore from the blade of the dagger. "Then you should say it, before I change my mind and have you tied to a tree for treason."
Indra didn't flinch, but her jaw clenched and her eyes narrowed. "You're wanted in Ton DC."
"Why?" Lexa asked.
"The Sky People seek war."
The Commander and her warriors were on their horses by sun rise.