"ALONE"

Tobias

This sucks.

I'm not some rage-addled convict. I'm not like these other people who have beat their significant others — who have hurt them in ways that they can never come back from. I haven't beaten anyone within an inch of their life.

I am not my father.

But it's possible I'm not that far away, either.

My mother's journal burns fresh in my memory as I look around at the others in my class. They could be like him, or they could be like me. Is there really much of a difference? I'm not so sure anymore.

The counselor, I assume, enters. She's an older woman, professional. Strikingly handsome even. When she turns to face me though, I can see why she is here, why she chose to do this for the rest of her life. A large scar runs the length of her face, deadening the eye. She pulls her hair forward, covering it slightly before skimming the room. Her eye lands back on me for a second, and I smile, receiving a nod in return.

"Good afternoon," she says as she sits down. "I see we have a new face among us. I am Johanna Reyes, and I am in charge of this particular class. You were ordered here by a judge and I expect you to participate to my satisfaction or I'll have to report back. I also expect you to listen and respect your fellow peers. Is that understood?"
"Yes. M'am," I add as an afterthought.
"Good. A round of introductions first." She turns to the woman sitting next to her, indicating for her to start.

"Hi. My name is Molly. Assault and Battery. I found my husband with another woman and took it out on his face." She gives a proud smile, until she sees Johanna's disapproving look. The smile disappears and she focuses on her lap as Johanna motions to the next person in the circle. We continue until it's my turn.

"Hello. I'm…T-Tobias," I stammer out. "Disorderly conduct. A, uh…guy was stalking my girlfriend, so I roughed him up a bit." Johanna raises an eyebrow at me, but we continue on with the introductions uninterrupted.

Afterwards, we spend some time reading through paperwork on how to recognize when a situation is escalating, and how to stop the anger before it even begins. Steps like walking away from the situation or counting to ten, improving communication so we don't get frustrated, learning how to listen and how to extend trust. At first I rolled my eyes, but as more time passes, I can see how most of it is relevant to me and my life.

I know I'm a lot calmer than I used to be. I had always assumed it was due to age and maturing, but I'm beginning to understand it's more likely because I had given up and accepted that this was my life. And even though there are wonderful aspects of it —namely Tris— the negatives far outweigh that, and it's been slowly sabotaging me.

After our time is up, Johanna approaches me and asks me to stay for a moment, so I follow her to an area where we can speak privately. I'm actually quite nervous. I feel like maybe I've failed already, or I've somehow not met her expectations.

"I just wanted to take a moment to speak with you," she says softly. "I read your file. It wasn't exactly clear, though, on what it was that set you off. Can you tell me what happened?"
I clear my throat. "I, umm. Well I…assaulted someone."
"Tobias," she says, a softness in her voice that wasn't present earlier. "For this to work, I'm going to need you to stop being nervous. I'm not here to judge. We all have our demons." My eyes drift to the scar she tries to hide.

"My girlfriend. She hired a tutor a while back, and he took advantage of her kindness and friendship and made a move on her. She stopped using him and cut him out of her life completely. They had a run in months later, and he sent her flowers to apologize. The assault was the first time I had seen him since that happened. When I…hurt him, he had flowers in his hand. I snapped." She nods for a second.

"Did you think he was there for her?"
"Yes."
"And was he?"
"No," I say, still embarrassed over my mistake.

"Tobias, what was your childhood like? Or maybe even your later teen years. This anger and jealousy stems from somewhere, and if we can pinpoint that, we can find out what it is that sets you off and what you can do to stop it from happening in the future."

Shit.

I really don't want to talk about this with anyone, let alone a complete stranger.

"Are you uncomfortable talking about it?" she asks. I realize then that I've been silent for far too long. I nod. "That's okay, Tobias. I'm not going to push you, but this is important. You don't have to tell me, tell me, you know. I've found that writing it down is sometimes easier. It's often hard to get the words out."

Shit. She is good.

"So can we meet in a couple of days? Would that be enough time for you to write things down?" I nod again. "Okay. I'll clear some time for you after our next meeting. How is your relationship? With the girlfriend."

That, is a really good question.

"I'm…not sure."
"Have you talked to her since the altercation?"
"Yes. She thought we should take some time apart. She did tell me to call her, though," I add, making it seem like things aren't as bad as they are. Hoping, really.
"Have you?"
"No."

"Okay. Then I also want you to do that. You'll need her support too if you're going to succeed. And I think taking some time apart is good, too. Sometimes it's just what we need to put things into perspective." I feel like all I'm doing is nodding along to everything she says. She places a soft hand on my arm and smiles. "It's going to be okay, Tobias."

I know.

I've been telling myself that for years. I have to keep telling myself that now if I'm going to make it through this.

The envelope feels heavy in my pocket. It should. It contains so much more than just ink and paper; it's a lifetime full of hate and abuse and fear. At first I was reluctant to write anything down. How could I possibly put it into words? Where would I even begin? But then I talked to Tris like Johanna instructed, and she gave me so much hope.

It was just a quick conversation, letting her know that I am in fact going through with the counseling sessions and that I would keep her informed on my progress. She sounded like she was genuinely happy for me, and that was enough to put a smile on my face. After that, I just put the pen to paper, and the years came flowing out.

Maybe I'm not so alone after all.

I watch Johanna nervously as she reads page after page. Her eyes flit up to mine every now and then, but she doesn't speak until she is finished.

"Tobias. I am so sorry." Her eyes are a little wet, and I have to look away. "No child should ever…"
"Thank you," I say when she doesn't finish her sentence. "But it happened, and I did."
"It's just amazing to me that you never acted out until now. You must really love her." I look back to see a small smile on her face. "We always fight the hardest for the ones we love."

We spend a few minutes reviewing some of the things in our relationship. How long we've been together. Eric. What our life is generally like. Our living situation. School.

"I have to say, you're a hard nut to crack." Johanna smiles at the confused look on my face. "Your life is, well, it's good. Now, I mean. Most people don't come through a childhood like yours on the normal side of things. Patterns repeat. The cycle is passed on. But I think there is hope for you yet. You are not a monster, despite what you might think." She gives me a knowing look, and I wonder briefly if she might be able to read minds. "If anyone can break the cycle, I believe it's you Tobias. Can I show you something?"

She stands and I follow her into another area of the building we meet in. She points to a door with a window in it, and I peek in. It's full of children and a few teenagers. She pulls the door open when there's a lull in the conversation, and we enter. There are a handful of adults off to the side, observing maybe. She motions for me to join them while she speaks with someone. I awkwardly make my way over to where they are.

"Here to watch?" one of them says to me. I shrug. "If you're with Johanna, don't worry. She'll have you whipped into shape in no time. Hi. I'm Peter."
"Tobias," I say, shaking his hand. I'm going to have to get used to saying it out loud. "What is this?"
"This is a class for kids who used to be in abusive homes. They meet and share their stories and rely on each other to get through it. Some of us aren't kids anymore, but it still helps when you participate. And it shows them that they can do it too." He gives me a sort of sympathetic look and shrugs before turning his attention back to the kids.

All conversations stop as a little girl —Mandy— who can't be more than ten begins to talk about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. The longer I listen, the more parallels to her life and my own I draw. I can feel the sweat rolling down the back of my neck, and I feel like I might break wide open if I stay here any longer.

Everything —Marcus, Tris, Eric, Al, Mandy— it all hits me at once, and I feel like I'm falling. Like the floor has dropped out from underneath me and there's not enough air for all of us to breathe. The walls are closing in on me and I can't move. I will be trapped here for eternity, reliving my pain and hers, if I don't escape now. I stumble, my legs refusing to cooperate at first, and push past everyone to bolt through the door.

Johanna finds me in the hallway, pacing.

"Was that hard for you?"
"Are you trying to set me off on purpose?" I ask, trying to keep my breathing under control. I turn away and take a deep breath, running my hands through my hair before turning back to her. "What good could possibly come from that?"

"Tobias, I thought if you saw that there were others in situations similar to yours, you might have an easier time coming to terms with it all. Those children in there are already light years ahead of you. I'm not trying to be callous, and I'm sorry I sprung this on you, but you do need help. The fact that you've done this all on your own up until now is, quite frankly, remarkable. But you can't do it alone forever. Eventually it's going to catch up with you, and you're going to have to worry about more than a simple disorderly conduct charge."

I watch as she pulls her hair aside, fully exposing the long scar on her face.

"I loved him. More than anything. But he loved drugs and alcohol and gambling. I kept telling myself that I could change him. If I could just love him enough, he would see the error of his ways, and we'd live happily ever after. This is what happened when I flushed his stash."

It feels like my blood has run cold.

"I couldn't change him. I couldn't help him. And I surely couldn't save him. But he didn't want it. You're different though, Tobias. You do want it. I can see it in your eyes, and hear it in your voice. I bet if you let me close enough, I could feel it in your heart." I can't stop the tears I feel forming in my eyes. She's right. I do want this. I don't want to be him. I don't want there to even be a possibility of me hurting Tris. "Tobias, let me help you."
"Okay." It's not easy to let someone in —to expose all of your insecurities and your worst nightmares to them— but I have to do this.

I have to face my demons.

A/N:
Song: Sia - Elastic Heart (I feel like this could be Tobias' anthem, canon or otherwise.)

And you guys and all your wonderful reviews. You're fantastic. Thank you.