I think I'm going to be sick.
Yup, I'm definitely going to be sick. I can just feel the vomit traveling upwards through my intestines.
I feel like an utter fool. I wasn't nervous for my first date with Amos Diggory (former-big-time-crush), I wasn't nervous for my first date with James Potter (current boyfriend), I wasn't nervous for my first Marauder sleepover (a huge feat to anyone who knows anything about the Marauders), and yet here I am, nervous for a – can you guess it? – MOCK Transfiguration NEWT.
You heard me. I am practically pissing my pants (er, that is to say, skirt) over a FAKE test. Then again, it is our first mock NEWT, and it is Transfiguration – the worst subject in the history of Hogwarts – but still. It's only April! I've still got two months until ACTUAL freaking-out time.
I'm not the only one, though. Mary Macdonald was sent to the Hospital Wing to get a Calming Drought yesterday. I suppose that makes me feel better…except not really.
I'm Head Girl. I can do this. I've survived Sirius when he's hyper, I've survived Peter when he's hung-over, I've survived Remus when he's on a chocolate high. I should be stronger than this! I know I'm made from stronger stuff! (Anyone who's ever even HEARD of Remus on a chocolate high can attest to that.)
I survived…my list of accomplishments is getting narrower. Uh oh – this is not good. Lily Evans, do not let yourself descend into the pits of anxiety again!
I do NOT do well on tests when I'm nervous. If I feel even the slightest bit shaky – BAM – any chance of a high score will go flying down the drain. I don't care that this isn't the real thing! If I don't do well on this, how can I expect to do well on the actual NEWT?!
Relax, Lily. You've still got two months. Two months – that's not enough time! If I fail I'll have to go through the entire course material all over again! I can't do a year's worth of work in two months!
"Lily?"
Who was that? I turn around. Oh. Sirius. Damn. Sirius is NOT good at comforting. He still has a mark from when I clawed him the last time he tried it.
"You've got a look on your face that's a mix between looking like you just saw a pair of boobs fly and like you've just seen a Death Eater."
"Gosh, thanks, Sirius. That's exactly what I needed to hear in my moment of mourning."
"Mourning? What d'ya mean?"
"I'm not going to make it out of that classroom alive."
"It won't be that bad…you're brilliant!"
Wow. That is the nicest thing Sirius has ever said to me. And the most comforting thing he's ever said, probably in his life. I don't tell him so. Instead:
"Says the genius!"
"It's a pureblood thing."
He gets a punch for that pureblood comment. And an insult.
"So is incest."
"Ouch, Lily, how could you ever suggest such a thing? You want me to have James's babies?!"
Oh, ew. Bad mental picture. Very, very bad mental picture.
"That's biologically not possible, Sirius. Didn't you ever get 'the birds and the bees' talk from your dear Uncle Alphard?"
"Pff – no. He's never heard it himself!"
"That would explain why you didn't either."
"Now, Lily, let me ask you – how many girls a week do I sleep with?"
"I'm hoping that was a rhetorical question, Sirius, because I don't know – nor do I want to know. You do know the meaning of 'rhetorical', yes?"
"Hey! Didn't you just call me a genius?"
"Status revoked."
"Fine. I'm going to go talk to my loyal mate Wormy over here now."
"You do that, Sirius. By the way, you might want to give Wormy 'the birds and the bees' talk too!"
"Will do!"
"If you know it, that is!"
"Shut it!"
I must admit, that conversation helped a lot with the whole anxiety thing. I wonder if that was his purpose…meh, I doubt it. Sirius rarely has ulterior motives. He probably doesn't even know what ulterior motives are.
"Lily?"
For the second time today – but this time it's James.
"Hey."
He smells good as he gathers me into a hug and cranes his neck down to plant a short kiss on my lips. I smile involuntarily. Damn it – I was going to work on this whole smiling-too-much thing. And the heart palpitations – those definitely need work. But the happy, golden feeling spreading through my chest? I think I can bear that.
"Ready for the test, Lil?"
"Fuck, why'd you remind me?" I moan, only half-joking.
"You are going to do fine, Lily. Wonderful, in fact. We went over this yesterday – you've got this stuff down pat."
"Transfiguration is my worst subject," I moan, burying my head in his shoulder, "and I never do well when I'm nervous!"
Whew – it feels good to let it out like that. Have I ever told anyone that I do extremely poorly when I'm nervous? Seems like I might've told Lis and Mar sometime, but I can't remember at the moment.
"So don't be nervous."
He speaks like it's so simple.
"It's not as simple as all that!"
"Yes, it is. You're brilliant, Lil. You've just got to believe."
"You're so cheesy," I tease, lifting my head up from his shoulder to grin at him.
He says, "Only for you," before casting a furtive glance and around and adding in a very loud whisper, "Just don't say that in Padfoot's earshot – I'll never live it down."
"Don't say what in my earshot? Jamesie, what are you not telling me?"
"Speak of the devil," James groans. I laugh, reaching up to ruffle his hair playfully.
Then I turn and do my best to put on a serious face for Sirius.
"Well, I'm sorry to say this, Sirius – but it's best you hear it straight from me."
Sirius looks momentarily confused. I smirk inside my head.
"James – is cheating on you."
Sirius gasps in mock horror.
"Prongs, how dare you! I thought – I was so – so sure we had that connection!" he wails, putting a hand to his heart and breaking into over-exaggerated sobs.
Our fellow cramming students lift their heads, some to glare, some to stare.
"Padfoot, your sobs sound remarkably lifelike," Remus remarks from his position right next to Sirius.
"It's because it's happened to me before," Sirius says in a would-be horrified voice.
I ignore this statement and turn to Remus instead.
"Remus, good morning. Nice to see you're back to normal," I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Yeah," he laughs sheepishly, "I slept it off."
"What, Lupin, did you decide to drown your pre-exam sorrows in Firewhiskey like the rest of us for once in your life?" Marlene's voice floats down the corridor.
I snort. "No, Mar, you've got it all wrong – Remus doesn't drink alcohol. He inhales chocolate instead."
"Ah, yes," Marlene exclaims, "the dreaded chocolate highs."
"Oh, shut it," Remus grumbles good-naturedly.
"Yeah, Moony, I hear the chocolate highs can be almost as bad as that furry little problem of yours," Peter laughs, nudging his friend in the side.
"Oh, you lot are out to get me today," Remus sighs, smiling in spite of himself.
"I think you'll find," Alice speaks up, "that it's not so much that we love teasing you today – though we do – but that we're trying to distract ourselves from the dreadful task at hand that's looming on all of us."
We all go quiet for several seconds, remembering the awful mock NEWT coming up in several short minutes.
"Ah, what's to worry about?" Sirius says, leaning back on the wall and crossing his hands behind his head. "We'll ace this just like we ace all the others."
"Just like you ace all the others, you mean," Marlene corrects, pointing a jokingly accusing finger at him.
"Exactly what I said!" I cry.
Sirius has a lazy smirk on his face. "If you ladies would like to continue swooning over the awesome brilliance of my mind, I will not discourage you from doing so." He closes his eyes as though basking in our praise.
"Excuse me, Pads, that's my girlfriend you're talking to!" James pretends to be insanely jealous.
"Admit it, James, it doesn't take much to get you jealous, though," I tease.
"What?" He pretends to be innocent. "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Oh, really? What about the dreadful Fiasco of '80?" Peter raises an incredulous eyebrow.
"Oh, don't bring that up again!" To my surprise, James blushes.
"Now you have to tell me," I demand.
Remus opens his mouth to obey, but Sirius cuts him off swiftly.
"No! There is no way we can do this story justice in the sparse few minutes that we have left before we are to trudge into class! The Fiasco of '80 is a fireside story that our grandchildren will laugh over, and it must be told properly and in full!" he thunders dramatically.
James sighs in relief, but I catch the mischievous look on Sirius's face. There is no way James has gotten out of this. I inwardly cackle.
"Well, I have a short one – and it happened in this very year!" Peter declares. "What about Lily's date with Diggory?"
Remus and Sirius break out in howls of laughter, while James buries his face in his hands.
He's lucky today though – I see McGonagall striding around the corner.
"Lupin! Black!" She barks sharply. "Is this your way of preparing for the exam?"
Sirius is, as always, ready with an excuse. "So sorry, ma'am, but surely you can pardon several well-earned giggles before we descend into the woes of seriousness and NEWTs? It certainly wouldn't do well to be stressed out before we even take the exam!"
His expression is so innocent I have to giggle.
McGonagall's face does not change. She simply surveys Sirius with pursed lips before sweeping regally into the classroom, the students on her tail.
Ah…I inwardly sigh. It's nice to know that, thanks to my friends, I am in much too good a mood to even be nervous. I think I'll do well on this after all.
Wait…are those the faint feelings of nausea I detect?