Honorable Intentions
Chapter 9: Between Chaos and Shape
"In the space between chaos and shape there was another chance." ― Jeanette Winterson
First light was thin and milky as it leaked through gaps in the blinds. Carol's lids
fluttered and then blinked as she came completely awake. It was early yet, just
past dawn if the pearlescent hue of the sky was anything to go by. She
stretched, amazed at how rested she felt. Warmth and a comforting weight around
her middle made her pause, unsure of what she was going to find if/when she
screwed up the courage to turn over. She dipped her chin and there it was; an
arm draped over her, fingers splayed on her stomach to keep her close.
It suddenly became clear, how they'd ended up here. She refused to leave Sophia and Daryl
took up a place by the door like he'd taken root. Hour after heart wrenching
hour was spent waiting for Sophia to open her eyes only to be denied as the
minutes ticked inexorably by. She'd curled up in the small space next to the
bed, fingers twisted in the golden cross at her throat. It wasn't until he
settled in beside her that she realized she was crying. He didn't speak;
instead he watched as she scrubbed the wetness from her cheeks. Exhaustion won
out against her determination to wait. Carol didn't remember falling asleep but
the memory of waking up was going to stay with her for some time to come.
She felt him stirring, muscles clenching and then loosening as he unfolded. His hand
moved, sliding under her shirt to run teasingly along the hem of her pants.
Goose flesh peppered her skin, following the slow looping circles he
unconsciously drew on her belly. He gave the tiniest of satisfied groans as he
edged closer, closer until there wasn't space for breath between them. Carol
shivered as his lips found her nape, his scruff prickling her in pleasurably
painful ways. The sweet spot behind her ear was his next find. It drew a
breathy sigh from her as he nipped her lobe. Time slowed to a crawl as he
ground his hips into her, releasing an unfamiliar wave of warmth in her middle
that ebbed and flowed with his movements. She wanted to move with him, find a
rhythm that would erase the shit reality they'd found themselves in. She wanted
to give herself up to him, follow where he led, and let the rest of it go: Ed,
the walkers, the worry, the fear and uncertainty. She wanted it to stop.
Carol could pinpoint the moment he realized where he was. Daryl's breath caught, his
fingers twitching against the smooth cotton of her shirt. He froze the same way
a prey animal would when it discovers a hunter close, keeping small and silent
in a vain hope of being overlooked. She willed herself to become calm, to do
nothing to spook him. The momentary distraction he'd given her was welcome but
she needed to think about Sophia.
She lifted her head until she could see the small form resting beneath the blankets.
Sophia had her knees drawn up and small fists tucked under her chin, blond hair
in a loose fan across the pillow. She looked peaceful but appearances could
often be deceiving. The little girl had been through the ringer in the past few
days, forced to see and do things that would make an adult falter. It was going
to leave a mark.
"I don't know what to say," she whispered almost too softly to hear. "Thank you isn't good enough."
"Ain't gotta say nothing," he mumbled. "Told you we'd bring her back."
Carol hid a smile, suppressing a reflexive shiver as his thumb traced small circles on the back of her hand. "You did," she affirmed. "You brought her back to me." She faltered as the little girl moved restlessly in her sleep. "I never wanted this for her. What she's seen. What she's had to do. No child should have to face that. Who knows how it's going to affect her?"
"She's gonna need time," he pulled away from her, turning from side to side to loosen muscles now protesting the night spent on the floor. "And she's gonna need you. We can't stay out in the open no more. We need to find a place to hole up, make it secure, get some kind of long term plan together."
God help her but she tried to keep the hope out of her voice. She tried, knowing good and damned well she was failing miserably. "So you're staying then? You're going to stay with us?"
Their eyes locked, the silence growing heavy and thick between them, like the air before a storm. He flinched out of habit but didn't drop his gaze. "Told Merle that I was staying. Can't do things without people no more. You and the girl are gonna need somebody. The others, they're good people but when the shit hits the fan, they'll be looking out for their own."
"And your brother's okay with that?" She wondered aloud as she found her feet and lifted her arms over her head.
His cool blue eyes didn't waver in the slightest. "He's gonna have to be. I ain't leaving."
Again, she schooled her features to mask the surge of emotions threatening to overtake her. "Will you stay with her for a minute? I'm going to go put some coffee on and see what we have for breakfast." He nodded and then settled back down, his legs stretched out in front of him. Smiling to herself, Carol padded down the short hallway and let herself out into the cool, misty morning.
Their meager supplies hadn't magically multiplied overnight much to her dismay. Instead, she found her memory was entirely too accurate. The canister of instant coffee contained enough for three or four cups at the most. There were six or seven packets of oatmeal, two cans of condensed milk, and a cache of powdered eggs. It wasn't much but Carol was sure she could coax a passable meal out of it. She located the container of water and filled up a pan and the dented coffee pot before lighting the Sterno stove. There was nothing to warn her of his presence prior to a heavy arm winding familiarly around her shoulders.
"What?" The word barely escaped her before his mouth settled firmly over hers.
Her mind went blank as she was pulled deeper into the circle of Merle's embrace. His lips were warm and dry against hers; his scruff pricking the sensitive skin of her cheek. He moved like a man who knew what he was about, sidling in until he seemed to surround her. She wasn't afraid like she should have been but the sheer surprise of froze her in place. One hand wandered to the back of her head, fisting in her hair to hold her still as he kissed her. Her complete lack of response finally made him lift his head, a cocky smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"What's the matter, little mouse? Don't you know one Dixon is just as good as another? Hell. ole Merle is the pick of the litter out of this crop. Darylina wouldn't know what to do with you if you climbed in his lap and wiggled. You and me could have some good times. Whadya say we go have a little one on one?"
Carol peered up at him, one hand covering her mouth. It came out first as a snort, then a giggle, and then finally a full bellied laugh. Even the sight of his rapidly darkening expression couldn't stop it. The Good Lord above knew how she fought to stifle her laughter. The way his eyes narrowed and darkened, the way his muscles flexed and grew taut…they were a promise of retribution if she didn't fall in line. Try though she may, she couldn't shut it down. Her husband was dead by her daughter's hand. The dead had arisen to feast on the living and she couldn't make herself care anymore that she'd crossed a line. Crossed it…hell, she'd catapulted over it and was still running.
"Is this how you're going to do it?" She choked out, tears adding a glossy sheen to her light blue eyes as the torrent of laughter played out.
Fists clenched at his sides, Merle stepped closer until he loomed over her again. Those glacial eyes, so like his brother's except for the brimstone dancing in the depths, stared at her. "Going to do what?" He asked in a deceptively low tone.
She stood her ground, meeting his steely eyed gaze with a molten lead one of her own. "Take him away. Convince him to leave. Keep him under your thumb."
Merle's hand twitched, just a flick of his wrist; she saw it and smiled but there was no amusement in it. "He's my brother, the only kin I got left in the world, little mouse. I won't have to take him. The boy'll come of his own accord. It's always been just me and him."
"You don't have to leave," Carol insisted. "You can stay, be a member of this group like the others. There's safety in numbers, Merle, and even a Dixon can't survive out there alone. Not now."
Covering his mouth with a work worn hand, the big man eyed her in disbelief. Stone blind stubborn, that's what she was, like a terrier yipping at a pit bull that had wandered into its yard. She even sidled closer and laid her hand on his arm, peering up at him with a hopeful look. "You've seen how they look at me, how they look at Daryl. We're lower than dog shit to them. They'll scrape us off their boots and not give it a second thought."
"I know better than that," She came back just as fiercely as before, her fingers tightening on his arm. "All of them see the truth after what's happened. Can't you give it a try? Please?"
"You seem mighty interested in keeping ole Merle around, sweet cheeks. What's the matter? You can't stand to let a good looking man like me out of your sight?"
"If it will convince you to stay, I'll follow you around like a puppy," Carol growled, annoyance lending her voice a hard edge.
Much to her surprise, he didn't come back with a smart assed comment. He sobered, backed away, and looked at his boots. Carol could hear the gears grinding in his head.
"You and the kit could come with us. You'd be safe."
Merle wasn't surprised when the little woman shook her head. Her and her gal alone in the world with two backwoods rednecks wasn't an option and he knew it. It was supposed to be his way out, a get out of jail free card he could use with his brother when the boy kicked up a fuss about leaving. Despite what he'd told the little mouse, Merle knew Daryl and Daryl had said he was going to stay. Knocking some sense into him wouldn't make him budge. Ordering him to go wouldn't work once he dug in his heels. Daryl gave new meaning to the word stubborn when he wanted to. Son of a bitch.
"I ain't nobody's bitch, lady. Officer Friendly and his jarhead sidekick got a hard on for me already. They'll be busting my ass over every little thing."
Carol didn't back down, much to his amusement. Her jaw firmed and those big blue eyes took on an icy cast. "I'll talk to them. We'll make it work."
"And if they don't?"
"Then we'll figure something else out, Merle."
A low laugh escaped him. "You're stubborn enough to be a Dixon, you know that?"
Her laughter echoed his. "If that's a proposal, the answer is no."
"What if I wouldn't the one asking? Would you still be saying no?"
Heat flooded her cheeks with color and she avoided his knowing smirk by concentrating on getting breakfast together. "I need to get this done and then get back to Sophia." Those big blue eyes flickered up for a quick look before she dove back into her task. "Will you please think about what I've said?" When he nodded, her smile lit up her whole face and he caught of glimpse of what drew his brother to her.
"I'll mull it over. That's it. Can't promise more than that."
Carol bent back to the meal preparations, trying to reign in the tiny spark of hope his words kindled. "I'll take it." She was surprised when he nodded and then made his way toward the RV. Obviously, he was going to talk to Daryl. She couldn't help but wonder if the younger Dixon would stick to his guns or if the elder would turn him to his way of thinking. Muttering a quick prayer, she watched him go and then let the work take her over.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Daryl heard the front door open and then his brother's firm tread coming down the hall. He met him at the door so as to not disturb Sophia. The girl was still curled up on her side, buried in the blankets with only her soft blonde hair peeking out. Daryl slid the pocket door most of the way shut but stayed close so he could hear her if she moved. Merle's brow furrowed as he looked from Daryl to the room and back again.
"She got you playing nursemaid now, boy? Didn't take that piece of ass long to whip you. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that you ain't no Dixon."
Daryl's chin tilted defiantly even though his shoulders hunched and he folded his arms across his chest. "She went to fix breakfast, asshole. Couldn't leave the girl alone, not after what she's been through."
"Why does the mouse always get stuck fixing the grub anyway? Can't these high end fillies boil water? She ain't the fucking maid." Merle's frown deepened as he watched the others beginning to stir through the RV's windows.
"I reckon she does it because she wants to," Daryl offered up a comment, watching his brother scowl at the Harrison sisters heading toward the lake with poles slung over their shoulders. "That's not why you came in here. What do you want?"
"What do I want?" Merle's lip curled up in a mocking smile. "You know, boy. The plan was to hit this camp and then get the hell out of Dodge but you've gone and got yourself hitched. Practically a married man from the look of things. I told the mouse that her and the kit could go with us but she turned me down flat."
"Told you I was staying, Merle," Daryl cut him off. "Ain't nothing changed so there's nothing else to say."
"Your Carol thinks this bunch will welcome us with open arms," Merle chuckled. "She's even willing to take me on to keep you if you can believe that."
Daryl couldn't suppress the urge to smile, knowing without having seen it what sort of scene must have played out between the tiny woman and his brother. Carol looked soft and sweet but there was a core of steel hiding behind that pretty face. She would walk through a wall if she deemed it necessary. "Stop it," he growled. "She sees the good in people, even you, though God knows why." He started to say more but both men froze as a low cry came from the partially open door. Daryl darted back into the room with Merle hot on his heels.
Sophia was huddled in the blankets, wide blue eyes staring fixedly at the ceiling, her small face crumpled and wet with tears. "No! Don't! Please don't!" She didn't react as they knelt at her side, both men floundering helplessly as they watched her fold herself into a knot in the center of the bed. "Leave me alone. Stop it."
"Fuck me," Merle hissed out through clenched teeth. "What're we gonna do? Her momma should be here, not us."
Ignoring his brother, Daryl got on his knees so that he was level with the bed and stretched out a hand to touch the girl's arm. "Soph," he said softly. "Sophia, it's me. Can you hear me, sweetheart?" Her eyes cut in his direction, the muttered pleas ceasing almost immediately. "Sophia, you alright?" His fingers enfolded her smaller ones. "C'mon, Soph, answer me, girl."
"He was gonna take me," she whimpered. "Take me and send Carl back to tell momma that she had to come or she would never see me again." Her small shoulders shook with the force of her sobs. "He wanted to hurt her. Like before. I had to do it. I didn't want to but I had to."
Daryl jerked his head toward the door and for once Merle didn't argue. He tore out of there like a house on fire. Turning his attention back to the quivering girl, he softened his voice. "You hush now, darlin. You're safe and there's nobody gonna hurt you or your momma again. You hear me. You're gonna be fine. Just fine."
Her hair whipped furiously from side-to-side as the girl shook her head, pressing herself back into the pillows. "They won't want me here. Not after they find out what I've done. What will Momma say? She won't want me either."
He moved slow and easy so that he wouldn't frighten her. He knew all too well how she was feeling. He'd been there too many times to count. Waiting until those too wide blue eyes focused on him again, he reached out a hand and softly pushed her hair out of her eyes. "Look at me, Sophia. Look. At. Me." Once he had her attention, he continued in petal soft tones. "Your mom was here all night. She wouldn't leave. She'd still be here but she wanted you to have something to put in your stomach when you woke up. So I stayed. You got your mom and you got me and we won't let nothing hurt you. Ever."
"But what if they hate me? What'll we do then?" Her tiny voice made his heart ache. Those haunted eyes were awash with fresh tears and he didn't like how she trembled beneath the blankets.
"If you don't think you can be here, we'll leave. Me and you and your momma and Merle. We'll light out of here and won't look back. You're gonna be okay, Soph. I promise."
She crept closer until she huddled against his chest, her eyes closed and her little hands tucked in between them. Her breath hitched as another sob rippled through her, tremors still working their way through her as she cried. He didn't try to head her off any longer, knowing that the relief provided by letting it all out was more important than anything. This girl needed every scrap of support they could muster and hell if he knew what he was doing. He patted her back and stroked her hair, murmuring nonsense until she grew quiet. The sounds of the door opening and quick steps preceded Carol into the room. By then, Sophia had grown slack against him, dead weight in his arms.
"She's asleep again," Daryl assured her quickly. "She'll be fine, Carol. She will. Whatever it takes."
"Did she say anything? About Ed?" Carol took up a spot beside him and put her hand on Sophia's back. She had to bite back her own tears when her little girl let out a sigh and snuggled deeper into Daryl's flannel shirt.
"She asked about you. She's afraid about what the rest of em are gonna think about what she did. She's scared." Daryl's hand hovered over Carol's for a second before moving away. "Told her we'd do whatever she needed. If she wants to stay, then we stay. If she wants to go, we go." His eyes met and held Merle's, who was propped up against the jamb and watching with interest. "It's about what Sophia needs now."
Carol looked from one to the other and then at her baby. "Okay," she nodded firmly. "That's what we'll do."
Merle's mouth quirked as they both looked at him. "Fine by me," he waved a hand affably. "We can play house here or out on the road. It's all good. If Rick and his buddy Shane can keep the peace, so can I. Little Bit is what's important."
Her eyes burned with unshed tears but she pushed them aside as she looked at the brothers with a smile teetering at the corners of her mouth. "Thank you," she pushed the words out past the knot in her throat. "Both of you. For everything."
Both men nodded, one with a cocky smirk and the other with a quick one sided tilt of his lips. It was strange and inexplicable...this sudden surety that everything would be okay. The world was still falling apart and nobody knew what new terrors the next day would bring. But for now, Carol let herself believe with all she had that everything would work out as it was supposed to.
End chapter 9
A/N This chapter is dedicated to Marykan. A while back she sent me a message. I kept it for multiple reasons which aren't important. This chapter might not have been written except for the fact that her message kept this story in the back of my mind. I knew that I needed to finish it and she helped keep me motivated to do just that. Thank you so much, Marykan. I hope this was worth the wait.